10 Month Old Tantrums

Oh, how familiar this sounds! My daughter is now 4, but I still remember VIVIDLY the incredible tantrums she had at 12 months. She was a slow talker, so, developmentally, she was probably equivalent to your 10MO. And it was SO frustrating to have no recourse - timeouts were not appropriate and verbel reasoning would have been ridiculous to try! Furthermore, NO ONE I knew had ever seen a 12MO with tantrums like this.

I spent my days trying VERY hard to keep things "pleasant". If my daughter wanted a non-toy item that wasn't necessarily "dangerous" - like an empty coffee mug or the remote control - I let her have it (with non-stop supervision). I devoted my days to her for a few months - no dishes, no laundry, certainly no cleaning! If she was struggling at a playdate, I ended it. If she couldn't handle grocery shopping, I left. I also worked HARD at ignoring other people's stares and comments - many people will have advice for you, but it will apply to two-year-olds, not infants! I'm not sure if my high level of attention actually helped her, or if it just helped me keep my sanity, but either way, we both survived.

As much as possible, I tried to prevent the tantrums. I know, HOW??? That will come to you in time - each child is different. Until then, HOLD HIM when he's upset. He is so little, and his emotions are so big, he needs someone to help him control himself. If he's thrashing and won't let you hold him, at least stay nearby. Put a hand on his back if you can. Talk or sing low and quiet. Be consistent and do the same thing every time. Once he calms down a bit, sign and talk to him. "You were very upset/angry/frustrated. I love you. I want to help." Give him a hug. He needs to feel secure until he can start to understand these crazy emotions. You will not see immediate results! Give it 2-3 weeks before you try something different. Consistency is so important - give it time to work.

I came to the conclusion that my daughter desperately wanted to communicate with me, but was struggling tremendously. We DID do sign language - it helped. Include signs for emotions too! Within a couple months, your ability to communicate with each other will improve dramatically, and that is the light at the end of the tunnel. Note that the tantrums might not stop - but you'll have a better feel for when and why they are likely to happen, and what kinds of things you can do to help him. Timeouts can start at 18 months, but be careful. There is a difference between having strong emotions and poor behavior. You should never discipline a child for having emotions.

Definitely keep your sense of humor! Times like this are exactly when you need to remind yourself of all the wonderful traits your son has. Write it down when he makes you smile. Read the list often! It will help give you perspective for the next tantrum.

Let us know what worked for you, so the next Mom has a few more ideas!

Good luck, K.

Oh, I feel for you! I remember when my little girl went through that (but it was at 14 months old, like you read about). And I must say, how lucky your little boy is to have a mama that is so sensitive and tuned in to his needs. You rock!

Okay, now for practical advice. First and foremost, if you haven't researched it already, learn about sign language. It really really helps. My daughter, also intense (but without your son's affinity for sleep, alas), started signing at 9 months (dog, followed by more, eat, milk (nurse), all done, and help by 14 months old, at which point she was speaking many many words).

Second, I want to recommend a couple of books that helped me deal with the intensity of my child: "Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child" by John Gottman, "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" (I forget who this is by). There's one more but I can't remember what it was, I'll post again if I remember. Hope that helps! Good luck. For what it's worth, my daughter (who sat at 5 months, crawled at 6, and walked at 9 1/2, was speaking in full sentences at 18 months, is now an incredibly intense but very bright, social, sensitive, loving, energetic, hilarious, compassionate, and friendly little person, whom I am proud to call my daughter! (which is not to say that she doesn't melt down frequently--she DOES--but I figure it's all part of the package).

D.

Have you considered teachign him baby sign language to help with his frustrations and tantrums? My son is 16 months old and having many signs helps us a lot! Please contact me if you have questions as I teach workshops to parents on how to teach their babies.

Your son has such a big personality! I found a few things to be helpful with my son, who hit that stage later but before 14 months too.

- Try to avoid situations where you know there will be a meltdown (like eating out at naptime).
- Be willing to leave/end an event if it's your son's best interest.
- As another poster said: ignore other people, their looks and judgments. No one knows your situation but you. I hate when I go to the grocery store and am sitting through a teary moment doing what I have learned is best for us, and someone comes up to me and says "Oh, I remember those days!" or worse "Oh, did your mommy pinch you? She's so mean!" How annoying and totally unhelpful!
- Avoid opportunities for saying no, like you're doing.

The thing I found most helpful is just what Kristin below said: Hold your son when he's having a tantrum. My son is 22 months and I still do this once his hysteria has gotten to a certain point where neither of us knows what started it in the first place and he just needs to be calmed. I hold him tight and tell him I love him love him love him, and I don't let him get away. It works!

The other thing, which will take a while to see results with, is to do endless almost obnoxious positive reinforcement for when he's being his usual angel self. I found that doing this helped ME as much as it helps my kids. Doing it reminds me of how wonderful my kids are, right in the moment, and also reminds them of what I consider good behavior. The more I do it, the better my son behaves.

I have also found fake crying or shrieking over my son to be helpful once in a while, but I'm not sure a 10 month old has the capacity to not feel mocked at that point, which could make him more outraged. Being downright silly can sometimes end an easy tantrum - turning music up loud, getting out of the house, roughhousing a little. I found that it has to be mixed up a bit.

You're doing an awesome job! And just think, there's a small possibility that those "terrible" twos will end sooner, right?

Let him cry and don't give in to his tantrums; otherwise, he'll encourage to do more knowing his crying would cave you into whatever he wants. Let him know you are the boss but not him. Reward him for good behavior with lots of hugs and kisses and of course a little bit of ice cream as a prize. For a 10-month old throwing such a big tantrum, I suspect this is his personality which cannot be changed but can be improved with proper guidance through a learning process on a system of reward and penalty. He doesn't understand time-out yet but he does understand your disapproval when you pull up a long face, ignore his demand, and raise your voice for saying "NO! NO!"