10 Year Old Pushing My Buttons

Is he scared about the upcoming move? Making new friends and being in a new town and house? Look up the new town online with him and figure out what cool things this new place has; maybe suggest his current best friend come visit for a few days when you guys get settled in....
Keep on loving him and setting boundaries-he needs both! It's a tough age and it sounds like you're doing a great job!!!

There are several things to be considered. Dad has been away since December...that's almost half a year. With so many "Mom only" households these days, maybe he's just not completely sure that June will bring the family back whole again. Then consider that you are taking him away from all his friends and friendly surroundings. Is there extended family around now and will there be when the move takes place. Have you and the boys gone to visit your husband since he's been gone, or has he come home each week-end. If your son hasn't seen where he's going to move to that's a good reason to be upset. I'm assuming that Dad calls regularily during the week. He should call and have a private conversation with each boy regularily so that they are sure that they are really still in his life and not just a week-end visit. June is amost here so you must be in the process of getting things ready to pack. Try giving him specific packing duties, such as going thur clothes that won't be going and games and toys that have been outgrown and put away somewhere that you won't want to take with you. He's old enough to look up interesting things about the place he's going to move to so he'll have something to look forward to. Do you have a house in the new city yet? If so, maybe your husband could cruise around looking for like age boys in the neighborhood, meet the parents and explain the situation and maybe instigate a pen-pal association so that your son will already have a pal when he gets there. GOOD LUCK

A.,
Perhaps you should try talking to him about how much you need him to be "man of the house" now that daddy is gone for the timebeing. This might make him feel needed and loved and reassured that he plays an important part in the family picture, so to speak.
If he realizes that he has a role to play taking care of you and his little brother, maybe he'll appreciate the opportunity to show you he's growing up and can be responsible. Along with the new role, give him some sort of reward system. If he's diligent in taking care of his little brother and helping around the house, you can let him have a sleepover or whatever kids his age are really into these days (within reason, of course).
Hth,
Jen

Sounds like he may be angry about having to move. Moving is typically very upseting for children. It is scary due to all of the unknowns. I moved at about that age and hated my parents for taking me away from everything I knew. I'm sorry to say, but it was a horrible experience that effected me tremendously. Try to be sympathetic and help him work through his feelings. He will probably need a lot of extra attention, support, and encouragement now and even after the move until he gets settled.

Is it possible that this behavior is simply his way of seeking attention from you? I'm sure you are incredibly busy, stressed and distracted at the moment, but he may only see the fact that you have less time for him than ever before. He may see himself at the bottom of the list of priorities (I'm sure your younger child is more 'needy' than you 10-year-old, and unable to do things for himself that your 10-year-old can). If possible, perhaps when dad is home on the weekends, you might try spending some quality 'alone' time with your older son--even if it is just for an hour or so, going to a movie or something like that. It sounds like he needs reassurance from you, and he is acting out to get it. Try and give him that reassurance and positive reinforcement during the times when he IS behaving the way you want him to behave, and he will eventually get the message. Best of luck to you with the upcoming move--I did it 9 months ago and I know it's not easy!

I am sure the move has something to do with it, but it mostly sounds like your lovely DS has decided to see just how far he can go to make you mad. Put your foot down. Take away privilages. Talking has not worked, so now it is time to kick into mommy mode.

1st- set some ground rules. Tell him his recent behavior is unacceptable and things are going to change. Let him know that just because Dad is not around, the expectations are still the same. He picks on his brother, he loses his video games, he lies, he loses computer. Those sorts of things.

Be sympathetic, but not permissive in this situation. You are essentially a single parent. Maybe give him some kind of special responsibility to make him feel important- like making sure his brother does his homework or something that will help you out a bit.

Hope that helps and good luck!

Check out loveandlogic.com for some practical tips to respond to his behavior and keep your wits

It's hard to resist the urge to say something to everything. You might not even realize that he's got you on that loop until you catch yourself repeating multiple times. You've got to get control of it--not him, but how you respond to him.

Wow...you have gotten some interesting advice...I believe several of your responders are reading way too much into this...but I think a couple of them "hit the nail on the head".

Your son is displacing his anger, fear and anxiety over the upcoming move. I am sure he has a ton of feelings and questions about it and he probably believes he has no say in any of it so doesn't bother expressing it appropriately.

I know things are picking up as far as packing, and getting everything in gear for the move...but maybe you could take some time to plan a party for your boys where they can invite all of their close friends. Something to say good-bye and have one last "hoorah" with them. Take lots of candid pics, maybe even invest in a couple of disposable abnd let them and their friends take a few of their own pics. Have brightly colored scraps of paper for their friends to write a couple of sentences and maybe a phone number and address on as well as sign their names...then sit down one afternoon and make a poster-sized collage of all the pics for the boys to hand in their rooms int he new place. This way the have something fun to plan and look forward to, something cool to make that reminds them of all the fun and wonderful people they are leaving behind, and a way to remember it all once they have moved...The bonus? handy addresses and phone numbers for the boys to send postcards and letters to keep in touch with their old chums!

I also agree with the posters who suggested that:
1) you all go visit the new area so they can see first hand where they will be movign to..
2) you look up fun things that are available for the boys to do in the place.
3) you let them know they can have a friend visit (maybe over a long weekend) once everything is settled at the new place...

Good Luck and I hope everythign works out with your move, got one coming up in a few months myself... ;-)

Wow...I'm so glad that I'm not the only one! My son is 11 and we have had some difficult times in our recent past but he is more defiante now than ever. I took us to a therapist to try and find a common ground and the bottom line is that his behavior is misplaced anger and he is needing more one-on-one attention from me. I am a single mom and also have a 2 yr old daughter so time is not something I have a lot of but he and I have started catching a movie together or going to Austin Park & Pizza to hit baseballs, ect and I am seeing a difference. The change isn't going to happen overnight and I understand that but at least I'm not crying anymore because I feel like I have a clearer picture of what he is needing from me, how I can help him thru this confusing time. Some other things that I have started, again, are things like stopping in his room before bedtime to say goodnight. Just little things that remind him that he is still just as important to me as he always was! You've received a lot of advice (I feel like I have too). Good luck!

Wow...it sounds like he's extremely insecure right now. Maybe you could start a habit of doing something "special" with him on a regular basis. Simple things like going on walks together, writing letters to dad together...so on. He needs strict and very loving boundaries. There needs to immediate unpleasant consequences for his bad behavior...push-ups work wonders because they aren't fun, but they also build condfidence as a boy learns he can do something very hard. Make it very clear where your boundaries are and choose a discipline that he HATES...use it every time he crosses you and do NOT back off. You can also explain to him that the restrictions you're putting on him are not just for you...they are good for him. DO NOT give up and do not let him play you...he is VERY smart. I have 4 boys...I know what I'm talking about!!! BEST OF WISHES!!!

I think he is acting out only because he doesn't know how to handle his emotions during this trying time for your family. Plus the fact that he will be leaving everything he knows to move some place new can be scary. Maybe you can lead a family discussion about things you loved about living in your present place ( and things disliked) and then move on to what scares us about the new place and move and what we hope will bring us happiness at new home. Good luck.

He certainly sounds like he needs some extra love and attention right now. Make sure you are giving him daily hugs and other physical and verbal expressions of love. This has made a big difference for us. My daughter is 12 and believe me we go through some tough times with her, but she is really a great kid. She gets straight A's in school, does her chores at home, etc., but she also has a way of making everyone miserable at times including her siblings. You need to find a way to remain calm and in-control when he's egging you on. Remember that you have the control. You can take away his privileges, send him to time-out or his room, etc. But, don't do it in anger. Just tell him that his disrespectful behavior is unacceptable and will result in these consequences. I think you are doing great by keeping the lines of communication open. Talking to him about what is going on in his life will really help. Make sure you are pointing out the positive things he does even if it's something small. Good luck! You are doing the right thing in doing something now and not ignoring it.

I recommend reading the book: The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child. It teaches you how to reward positive behavior and stay calm in the face of defiance.

I know - it's so hard not to take everything they say so personally. They are pushing boundries - trying to establish limits - and you are the gate keeper! ha! My suggestion will probably sound a little silly - but it works (most of the time!) for us. We sat down together with our 9 year old and made a chart of inappropriate behavior and the consequence that would have to be paid for each. It's very important to do this together so that he feels some control over the situation, and so that he truly understands what is acceptable and unacceptable. I usually gave a warning when things started to escalate - and then off to the chart. Make him figure out which behavior just occurred - and what he should do in response. Every consequence is followed by an apology - some even require a written apology! Now I'm not saying that everything is peaches and cream at all times from that point forward - but things definitely improved quickly. He doesn't hate you. It's our job to help our kids make the right choices until they are old enough to know better - and when my child gets angry with me - I often remind her of this. I suspect that when your move is finished and normal life resumes, his behavior wil improve. Until then - deep breaths - and maybe try the chart.

Hi,
I have a son, and I've also been a teacher in a tough school (high school, teenagers). So I have had some experience in how to make sure I get good behavior from kids.

It sounds like your son is being very disrespectful towards you. Have you spoken to your husband, face to face or on the phone, about this? Enlisting his support would be great.

Kids push boundaries, constantly, and need us to enforce clear reasonable boundaries for them to feel safe. That's all your son is doing, and he loves you very much.

Determine what is acceptable behavior, and what is not. Make this line very clear in your head. Lies, deliberately doing something he knows is wrong and using humor at inappropriate times is disrespectful to you, and unacceptable behavior. Its awesome you realize you need to deal with this. You deserve better. Determine a punishment, sending him to a boring place for at least 10 mins for time out certainly can work. Removal of privleges is also useful. Remember, you are the parent and you make and enforce the rules. The stronger (and fairer) you are, the better the behavior you can expect.

Another way to begin could be to sit down with your son for a 'serious talk' (put gravity into the situation) and firmly clearly explain what he has done that is inappropriate, and that it ends now, and these/this will be punishment if he continues. Set a baseline for both of you. If you can do this without your husband present, you present a firmer side to your son and I think that would be more likely to work.

Good luck with whatever you choose to do!

Hi A.,
I have 2 boys 8 and 4 and they know how to push my buttons. I think all kids know how to push buttons until they really learn how hurtful it is. My mom bought me a cd teaching series that completely changed how I look at parenting. It is by an awesome woman named Dani Johnson who's career lead her to be a life coach for millionaires. The cd series is called: Grooming the Next Generation for Success. It is christian based and totally changed our house from frustration and anger to peace and love. Love conquers all. My husband is still surprised that when one of the boys does something disrespectful, they will go to the person they hurt and apologize and ask for forgiveness! For more info the website is DaniJohnson.com. Blessings to you and your family.