10 Year Old Violent

Hi A.! Oh boy! Sounds like you have quite a situation on your hands. I want to start with saying that anything I write comes from love..so don't take anything in any way otherwise. My daughter is only 2, so I don't have personal experience with a 10 year old of my own..but I still have vivid memories of growing up with VERY controlling parents. I think that this goes WAY beyond food. This is about control. My advice...cut her some slack. She is coming of age...she wants to make her own decisions. If food choices are causing this much stress, I would just drop it. And this is coming from a very healthy eater. Ask her what veggies she will agree to eat, and just serve her those. I know health from food is SO important, but not more than mental health. You could be starting a path of a daughter with an eating disorder, just so that she can have back some control. Without knowing your situation, I can only speculate..but I really bet that there is control going on in other areas. Some is healthy..boundaries are great..but just know that she is growing up and needs to make her own decisions. I think your thoughts on seeking therapy are awesome. I think family therapy would be the best idea. I think that you would learn a lot about what is going on within your daughter. Just know, too much control will have the opposite effect that you are after, so try to ease up on her a bit. Good luck, and again, this was all said out of love, so please don't take offense.
A. :)

You don't make it clear here if her tantrums are just about the food issues or generalized to other situations that frustrate her. As a profesional counselor, I am inclined to consider that perhaps someone with expertise from outside the family might be needed to help work with you and your child to help her deal with her feelings and find a way for the family to work through and resolve this issue. To really assess that, however, a fuller picture of the situation would be needed.

It's not really clear what the issue is. Does she have these outbursts at meal time? Is it over food? Did she try to run away after an issue over food? Or is this more generalized anger/outbursts at different times of day not exclusive to meals/food? I just am not clear, since you mentioned "she's been having issues with food and we are very strict..." but did not say that she has issues with anything else or at other times. If the behaviors you are seeing only happen in correlation with food, then I'd say that you need to back off on food issues and give her some space and/or pursue professional help. Does she not want to eat at all? Does she not like what is served? Does she have any choices about the meals? Have you tried including her in the meal planning and preparation? It just seems that, absent an eating disorder that will require professional help, there must be a lot more going on than just "issues with food". Can you give more information, or an example of something specific that happened?

You MUST get control! If requires outside help then DO IT! This is not healthy or acceptable behavior for her hormones or not! And you're RIGHT your 2 yr. old is watching! Please get some help--where's her dad? Maybe there is something happening at school, or with a friend, or anything like that....? If this is sudden, I would suspect a triggering issue. God bless you as you figure this out.

A.,

Contact her school and get a professional evaluation. If she is in public school, it is free. If she isn't, then contact the public school office in your area and request an evaluation.

You need help now, this is NOT normal behavior. If you don't want to contact the school, then call your pediatrician. Tell your daughter that you are going to the doctor so that the doctor and her parents can help her get well. Do NOT make her feel bad about being ill.

You don't say if your husband is your daughter's father or not, but do whatever you have to do to get everyone on the same page towards treatment.

C.

Wow, obviously she has a behavior problem, but I think you need to not let food be the battleground. Ultimately, you can't force a kid to eat, and if she starts not eating at all just to control something, you lose that way too. You have to admit that you can't win with the food thing, so you need to back off. Yes, her behavior is wrong, but you need to focus on that instead of the eating. Make her a healthy dinner, and let her eat what she wants of it. If she doesn't like it, or doesn't eat all of it, fine. She's old enough to make herself a different healthy dinner if she washes all the dishes for it. If what she wants is a little bit of control over her own life, let her have it to a reasonable extent. As long as they are healthy choices, let her make them for herself. She's also old enough to take one night as her own responsibility to make dinner for everyone. You will help and buy the food, but she has to decide and prepare the menu for everyone. I would explain all this to her before starting this new rule, at a time when everyone is calm. Maybe some more control and more responsibility will help.
If she is like this about everything, and physically violent every time she doesn't get her way, then I think it's time to see a family counselor. Her trying to run away indicates that something else is wrong too, and you should get to the bottom of that. Good luck.

What words rang out loud and clear, "We are very Strict about eating all the veggies and trying new foods". You are setting yourself up for falure eveytime, when you put these stringent demands on your child. Please, please seek the advice of a specialist. You are heading for serious problems. Ten years old is a defining age for girls. In the long run, it is your relationship with your daughter that is most important, not that she eats right. A parent's responsibility is to present healthy chioces to their children, not to force them to eat it. Your loving undersatnding and good example is all your child needs. Stop what you are doing. It is clearly not working.

Get help. A good family therapist, psychologist, psychiatrist, someone, but get help now because it's only going to get worse. Don't just take her, take the whole family because everyone needs to learn his or her role, and how to cope with the problems. You need to find out if it's behavioral or if there is a medical problem and act accordingly. Many psychological problems start to show symptoms during puberty (bi-polar, depression, eating disorders, etc...) Like I said GET HELP. Good luck.

I would take her to a professional therapist and have them assess what is going on.....you are right when you say she provides an example for your other child. Nowadays people go to therapy all the time and it doesn't have the negative connotations it once did. There are good therapists who specialize in children and families....check your insurance if you have it. If money is a problem, there is a place called Center for Group Counseling which advertises free group therapy and individual therapy for $35, which isn't bad. I can recommend you someone if you have the money....they don't accept insurance so it is pricey, but you can deduct medical expenses from your taxes. Let me know if you want the name.

Try taking her to a private psychologist(for 10 years old hormones is early, no?) and an allergist. I am surprised at how many behavioral issues are solved by diagnosing an allergy.
Good luck!

Are the outbursts ONLY about food issues, or is this simply when they are the worst? For example, does she behave this way other times when you tell her to do something she doesn't want to, or times when you tell her she can't do something she wants to do? Is your daughter having these outbursts on a daily basis? Weekly? Does she have difficulty calming herself down, and does she seem excessively tired or sorrowful afterward?
These are just questions for you to think about. Should you decide to seek outside help (pediatrician, counseling, etc.) you will likely be asked all of these questions.
I am raising my nephew who is 6-1/2 years old. He has had "outbursts" similar to this since he was 3 and they have only gotten worse over the years. He was having multiple fits each day and he was having them every day. His pediatrician referred him to a child psychologist(she does the counseling/therapy), and she referred him to a child psychiatrist(he prescribes the medications). They work very closely together to help him. Because of the severity and frequency of his "tantrums" and the fact that he cannot calm himself he takes medication to help stabilize his moods.
I am not suggesting that this course of action is what your daughter needs. But you should start by talking to her pediatrician. If he/she feels that a specialist is necessary they will refer you to one. It may be helpful to start keeping a journal from now until the date of the appointment, this will help keep all the important information documented and make it easier to talk to the doctor and answer his/her questions. You should even include diet, activity, triggers, sleep patterns, etc. Even if it is as simple as the onset of puberty, mood swings, or being overly sensitive and emotional, you should still consider counseling, at the very least. She obviously needs help learning to control her anger and to express it appropriately.

Why are you guys so strict with veggies and new foods that it will end up in both of you guys (husband, you and daughter) breaking down? Is it that important? Is there any compromise? I'm not asking these questions because I think you should bend/compromise on other issues (say stealing or lying)... but to expect a 10 year old to eat veggies or try new foods are like pulling teeth out of your mouth without painkillers. Agree about seeking counseling, but this (the food) seems like an issue that could have some compromises. Maybe do a little research on what is normal for a 10 year old to eat or something to that effect.

Good luck!

Hey A.,

I've read through the responses and I agree with everyone about cutting some slack on the food issues. I would like to suggest a book I just read called "parenting is heart work". I taught me soooooooo much about getting to the real issue of the heart.

One thing I noticed that no one else seem to mention was the fact that you have been married for 6 years and your daughter is 10, which makes me wonder if your husband is her dad. If not, this could be a lot of the issue. EVERY child (including myself) coming from a divorced home has to deal with anger issues at some point in life. Maybe he is the father and this may not be the issue at all, but that was just a thought that crossed my mind, having had to deal with this in my own life. If he is not the father and now you have a 2 yr. old by him, this could be causing some extreme anger toward you, her real father, and her little sister and this is the only way she know to get it out. If this is the case, she really needs your love and patience with her. Let her know that you understand the anger and you want to help her. Let her know that it is not HER fault that things didn't work out between you and her dad and PLEASE don't say anything negative about her dad regardless of what kind of person he may be. It will just build resentment in her. I also agree with everyone that she needs some counseling. Sometimes a youth pastor at a church is a good resource if finances is an issue.

I hope this has helped you in some way, and again, I highly recommend the book, whatever the issue, you must reach her heart to get it resolved.

Blessings to you, I feel you are a great mom!!
T.

watch that great granny show. It sshows hov behavior is suppose to be done

Hi A.,
I would like to suggest that you get help for her in the form of a counsellor. There may be something that she is trying to handle, but is not sure how to. For example, if she is not home schooled, there might be someting happening at school. Or it may be that she feels your 2 year old is getting too much of the attention and is getting her attention by acting out. Whatever it is a counsellor may be able to get her to open up as to why she is behaving this way.
I am sure you do, but as you continue to let her know that this kind of behavior is unacceptable you let her know also that you love her and want the best for her.

A.,

Any time you have a child start acting out aggressively, it's time to put everything aside and focus on that child. Not to baby them, but to get down to the issues. Instead of sitting her down for dinner and saying, "You must eat this, this, and this!" You politely say, "You have 2 (or 3) choices; You can have this and this, or this and this, or, if you eat everything, you may chose a treat afterwards." There are many ways to handle it, but whatever you do, don't battle with her. If you battle with her, she will only see you as her enemy. Instead, let her know that these are the rules, these are the only acceptions to the rules, and these are the consequences for the rules. When the rules are broken, follow through, but not out of anger. Simply say, "I sure am sorry that you made that choice, now the consequences have to be enforced. Maybe next time, we won't have to go through this. I sure don't like to have to see you suffer. However, rules are for everyone's own good. They teach us how to get along with others and respect others. Thank you for making a choice to obey next time. That really is mature."
There may also be a need to see what things may be going on at school. i.e. peer pressures and stresses with teachers or grades.
A lot of times kids are just acting out about something totally unrelated to the situation at hand, but they don't know how to express it out of fear or hurt or frustration.
It sounds like she was conceived prior to your marriage, so there could be issues that she is not voicing about her biological father (if he is not your husband) or possible jealousy issues with the 2 year old.
How's your communication with her? Do you give her regular time to vent about her frustrations? Do you give her one on one mommy time? She may be 10, but don't forget that right now she is changing in many ways and she may be very confused and fearful.
I have a 10 year old daughter as well. Not only is her body changing, but her needs are too. Being in close touch with her and having intimate time of conversation can really take a load off of her shoulders at times.
Try asking her to "grade" you as a parent. Then, when she gives you a low grade in a specific area, ask her to explain. I realize that this makes you vulnerable to her criticisms, but if we expect our little ones to accept our criticisms, than we should also be willing to accept their evaluation of our parenting skills. Besides, kids love to be asked for their opinion about things that matter. They are smarter than we give them credit for. Who knows, we may actually learn something about ourselves.
When it comes down to it, ask yourself, is this battle worth the result of a broken relationship?
Children don't usually need to be fixed, they need to be nurtured and trained in the right way.
This worked for my 21 year old also. Give of yourself and be real with them. Don't just give orders all the time. Each moment can be a teachable one and a chance to grow closer.
Take Care,
T.
Mom of 4
20, 10, 5, 2