Hi. I am hoping to get advice from other moms out there who may have gone through this. My 10 yr old daughter comes home with stories at least 1x a week about how this girl Christina is mean to her or hurt her feelings. Christina would go out of her way to say "your eyeglasses/shoes/etc look so uncool," or when the teacher asked the kids to pass around a picture, she would deliberately not give the picture to my daughter and pass it on to another girl. Christina would also pull a friend and they whisper and laugh when my daughter passes by. One time she accused my daughter of messing up her backpack (she didn't) and asked my daughter for a cookie during recess or else she would tell on her on something. My daughter says Christina is sneaky and good with words so that when a teacher comes over, the blame somehow falls on my daughter. I've tried to teach my daughter techniques (diffuse with humor, walk away, etc) but she sometimes can't help but engage and try to defend herself which causes her to get in trouble (because the teachers see it as fighting). I know my daughter, she reacts - and fights for when she feels things are being unfairly portrayed but will only do so when provoked. Christina recently went up to my daughter's good friend and told her she needed more friends and to stop hanging out with only my daughter. My daughter's friend promptly told my daughter but she is now very hurt cause it seems like Christina is singling her out and now targetting her friends trying to get them to leave her. I emailed the teacher to ask for a time to discuss but do any of you have words of advice? I hate seeing my daughter sad, defensive or angry. I keep telling her Christina is just insecure and jealous of her cause she has so much going for her but I know my daughter just thinks I say that because I'm her mom. My daughter has good self esteem to begin with but this is starting to wear her down. Please share your thoughts. Thanks for your help!
I had the same thing happen to me in the sixth grade. Unfortunately my self esteem was not so great. Somebody told me to ingnore the girls like they were'nt even there. It made them so mad for a week or so and then they just gave up. My friend and I would stand and talk as if we heard nothing. When those girls realized that they couldn't get to me anymore they stopped and a few weeks later they were nice to me again. Hope this helps!
My only suggestion is that your daughter go with you to either the counsellor, principal or teacher. She feels victimised enough, so make sure she feels empowered to control her life by allowing her to say the words about how hurt she feels. I know how protective you feel towards her and she sure needs your support right now. But don't make her feel like a victim, by 'fixing' it for her - she has to do the talking and figuring out what she needs to do to make things right. She will become stronger and feel more in control of her own life if her family supports her but doesn't take over for her. Best of luck.
Hi S.
you can call me crazy
I am a mother of 4 children and what my husband and I do is we invite the child and his or her parents over for dinner and at the end of dinner we openly talk about whats going on in school and when we have done that some parents can't believe what there child is doing in school and the problem is solved
I know that may not work for you but it does us and if all less fails go to school and just hang out not with your daughter but around and watch see what happens on a normal day and don't tell your daughter either because she'll act differently I know I have done it
Good luck and God Bless
Danielle mother of 4
S., my daughter came home to me with a similar story only she is in kindergarten still. I went straight to the office and told them what my daughter had been telling me and they had a talk with the parents and the problem stopped. Like someone in here mentioned sometimes the parents have no idea what their child is doing. The only thing I would be careful about inviting them to dinner is depending on how calm you are. If you can stay calm and ready to hear a parents response, (some may not be nice ie pointing the finger to you or your child ect) then that can be a wonderful idea. If you are like me and you get really upset when someone is being mean to you child then it may be better to go through the school. I hope this helps. =)
The summer when my daughter was between 5th and 6th grade we read the book, "Queen Bees and Wanabees" aloud in the car on a family trip. That opened up a lot of conversation and helped her understand the complexities of relationships. You might want to read the book to yourself first.
S. ~
I had the same "problem" with my son (in the 1st grade) and it seemed to be something that was happening at this boys home. However, I did tell the teacher "that I had a concern" and mentioned it to her. When this continued; I went to the principal's office to mention that "I had a concern" with what was happening with my son and this classmate. I also let them know that I wanted to resolve this as a calm parent and not have a lot of drama with the other parents. The principal took care of the situation (with the other parents) and it never happened again. If your daughter's teacher doesn't respond to your email, just go right to the principal's office! Just tell them "that you have a concern"....
Good luck to you! You are the only person that can speak for your daughter!!!!!!!
Lucy B.
Hi S.,
I have an 11 y.o. son and have been working with kids for many years, including several years in a school setting as a counselor. Your daughter's school should have a counselor, at least p/t, and may also have a conflict resolution program. I would by-pass the teacher and head straight to the office and ask for the counselor. You should also feel free to speak to the principal about the issue. Schools are very serious about bullying these days (thank goodness), and your daughter is being seriously bullied. Don't worry about making waves--squeaky wheels get their needs met, and your daughter deserves to feel safe and happy at school.
Good luck with everything. I can imagine you are very upset. I know I would be too.
Best,
L. K
By All means, talk to the teacher and tell her what is going on. Even if the year is almost over, The problem will not go away just for the summer. This happened to my oldest daughter, and I did not want to complain because I didn't want to be the meddling overprotective mom. But When I did say something finally, I found out my daughter was not the only one! There were other kids being picked one by the same bully (also a mean girl in our case, from a very troubled family). Document what you have heard and go over the comments sincerely and honestly (with out being overly emotional) with the teacher, stating the FACTS of what is going on. Most teachers of third/fourth graderes are pretty savvy to all the emotional and social upheaval at this age, and she may even be aware of it, but she may not know how much this upsets your daughter. Speak up! And the school should intervene. And your daughter will see that you taught her to solve the problem through talking it out. And hopefully the other child will get the help she needs to be nicer to others in the future. I hope this helps!
From mom of 4 girls 5-13 in Petaluma
I think Cristin B has said just about everything I was going to say! Documenting it all - getting your daughter to keep a journal is a great way of her having a release but also keeping track of what is happening. Also you have to talk to her teacher & possibly the Principle about the problem - they need to be made aware of the issue & let them know that you put your daughter in their care during the school day & it is their responsibility to ensure she is kept safe & happy......
Just make sure you daughter ALWAYS feels she can talk to you & that she has your 100% support (sounds like you are doing that).
Have you/your daughter ever read the American Girl books? - there are 3 in a series & one of them is called the Feelings Book & I believe it addresses the bullying issue.
Good Luck.
Amelia
My 9 yr old daughter was having the same problem. She was coming home daily crying about a girl in her class always picking on her. We talked to the teacher and she said she would keep an eye on it. The problem continued and we had another talk with the teacher. The teacher talked with both girls and found out that both were hurting each others feelings. She made the girls talk about their feelings. That helped. They are now very good friends and my daughter learned a very good lesson about feeling and handling a difficult situation. I was very thankful that the teacher got the two of them together and had them talk about the problem. I think it worked better, because they fixed the problem not someone fixing it for them. Good luck and talk to the teacher.
There was a similar request back at the beginning of the month with a great deal of response. Unfortunately, I think this is a topic that will be fairly common. It's so sad.
Anyway, there was a lot of great advice and book suggestion, etc. I'll try and find it and e-mail it to you.
A.
Okay - I don't know how to send that page to you, but if you click on my name to see my profile you can see what I've been "mamasourcing" about. Scroll down to May 5th and I replied to a topic about a mean girl. Click on the title of that thread and it will show you the problem and all the people who responded. I hope that helps. Otherwise, send me a personal message and give me your e-mail address and I can send it to you that way.
Good luck!
This is outright bullying and the school MUST get involved to stop it. Enlist the help of the teacher and principal and the counselor or psychologist at school too. Bullying is very damaging and can cause long term psychological problems for your child. We had to change my son to another school because of the constant bullying that was happening at the first school - the administration did not believe it was going on. Get help and if you need to even go as far as to hire an attorney do it. I cannot stress this enough. Fortunately bullying has come to light recently and school seem to be taking steps nowadays to deal with it. Good luck!
Tell your daughter that Jesus loves her and that is all that matters. She could tell Christina that Jesus doesn't like people to treat each other bad. Christina is jealous of your daughter and wants to be her friend but doesn't know how to be a friend. Good Luck and tell your daughter I dsaid she is great and there will be people throughout her school years that are going to treat her like that so she needs only to love herself.
I agree with Peta R. Empowering your daughter would be the best and support her with the process. This helps avoid getting into the "the cartman triangle" of behavior of victims, perpetrators, and rescuers.
I absolutely HATE bullies!!! Having said that, have you tried talking to her teachers or the school principal? Maybe a chat w/ Cristina's mother? Sometimes, parents are unaware of their kid's behavior until it is pointed out to them. Maybe have a meeting w/ the 4 of you (you, your daughter, Cristina & her mom), figure out why this is happening. If it continues to happen after having a meeting, then maybe it's time to step it up and advise the teachers and principals that they need to start enforcing "bully" rules (most, if not all, school have this!), and start holding them accountable. They are responsible for your child while she's in school and they need to know that you expect the same discipline taught! Keep records of who you spoke w/, the time and day, and if that doesn't work, go to the scool board or look into speaking w/ school inspectors (they actually have such people) and give them the scenario. I'm sure all will get resolved, I just hate knowing that your daughter is going through this. Good luck!
I don't have a lot of experience with this, but my kids and I watch Reading Rainbow on PBS. One of the shows featured the book "Enemy Pie" by Derek Munson. It's a great book about turning an enemy into a friend. There might be other books your daughter can relate to about the subject which might help her. Good luck!
I agree- your daughter needs to feel empowered. I think you and she should go to the teacher (or principal or counselor- whoever is willing to listen) and talk about what is happening. I think a journal is an excellent idea (and not just for bullying, it's helpful as the hormones kick in to keep her grounded).
When I was 14 I was bullied by a boy in my class because I wouldn't date him. For months he made me miserable in class, at recess, and on the bus ride home. Finally one day I came home crying and my parents saw me- they talked to his dad and that was the end of it. I didn't feel great about the experiance though. There was another girl in my class who was being ridiculed by some other girls and I truly admired her because she would turn, face those mean girls and say "that's harassment and I don't have to take it" and walk away. I was in awe of this girl and wished I could have had the same gumption.
If she needs to protect herself physically I recommend Aikido, it is a non-violent way of defending oneself (I started after my bullying) and gave me a great boost in my self-esteem.
I so feel for your daughter. Bullying is such a painful thing. I do feel as a parent you need to get involved,talk to her teacher and see if that helps. It can really hurt the self esteem. She may not want you to talk to the teacher. But its a win win situation for your daughter and the girl who is becoming a bully if they can resolve it. Lets face it 10 year olds need help to resolve conflict. Good luck!
For the life of me, I can not figure out why some girls are mean like this! I was a target of this type of behavior when I was 11, and it really meant the world to me that my mom told me that the other girl was insecure and jealous. So hopefully she will listen to you. Talking to the girls' teacher is a good idea, though as a former teacher, I know it's hard to monitor every interaction. Sounds like it's time for summer vacation. In my situation, I was glad when school ended because then I didn't have to see the other girl, and I didn't cross paths with my "bully" again for several years. By then she had grown into a nice person. Hopefully over the summer, the girl in your situation will find something else to do.
Get her out of public school. You underestimate the benefit of your teaching her at home. The benefits are numerous, and the fact that she will not get shot or bullied, or thoughtlessly misinformed about or used for for sex at some point will be an added extra.
Rick
I had a similar situation when my daughter was in middle school. This bully was a boy. I requested that she be in a different class than he was but in middle school that is a little difficult to achieve. So thank goodness we had a very involved principal. She brought in the parents of both kids to discuss what was going on. Then we brought the kids in with us to let them know that we (the school and the parents) were all on the same page.
Whatever you do, get help as soon as you can. Your daughter deserves a safe environment where she can learn. I'll just bet that the above phrase is part of your school's mission statement. Follow procedures and take this as high as you need to. Sometimes its just a matter of this issue being brought to the attention of the correct people.
Best wishes for you and your daughter.
I went throught more or less the same thing with my 8 yr old. Asking to talk to the teacher is a very smart move, if you don't feel you are getting the results you want from the teacher ask her to have a meeting with your daughter and Christina and her mother. When we confronted the villian and the victim the truth finally came out. You have to stick to your guns and defend your child because you know them better then the teacher. If you still don't get the result you want go see the principle. Good luck.
C. H
