10 Yr Old Daughter Stealing from Her Best Friend!

Corina, awe that is ashame. But you are doing all the right things. I want to tell a story: my sister stole things,at the same age and my mother found them under the bed. She stole them from the zoo gift shop, friends, etc. Now let me flash forward many, many years. She is now a police officer. It works. There are consequences and there also good outcomes. You'll see.

I would ask her why she took them. There are compulsions and obsessions that make people do things that they know are wrong but that they cannot stop. I would be gentle and understanding if you think this is out of character. Kleptomaniacs steal to belong and feel wanted. I had a college roommate who stole stupid stuff - underwear and paperclips and a photo, even a cigarette pack, things that were not expensive nor missed, but it made her feel better. Find out what is happening with her, but don't make her feel worse than she maybe already does. AD(H)D can come with co-existing conditions, my daughter has ADD and dyslexia. On the other hand maybe she is a selfish little sh*t and needs a good beating, lol! I do not know her at all, but there "may" be another side to this story.

The best thing you can do is to make her return any stolen items. She has to look them in the eye and apologize to the person who she stole from, not the parents. Yes she will be humilated, that's the point.

My daughter, has a classmate, that steals. Just like your daughter.
My daughter is NOT friends with this girl.
AND... that girl's "reputation" is all over the school. Other kids KNOW and the parents.
So, the good kids and parents, do not, interact with this girl nor invite her to anything.
My friends daughter, had her things stolen by this girl too.

If your daughter keeps this up, she will not have... nice/good friends. And the icky kids, will be the one's that friend her. Because they don't see anything 'wrong' with it.

You need to tell her point blank, that everyone KNOWS she steals.
You need to make her... accountable. Take ALL the things she STOLE... and march it right back to the rightful owners... AND to their parents... and APOLOGIZE... in person.
AND if she lies... she needs to be punished for this too.
She is 10 years old.
Tell her point blank, and show her point blank, that this is simply Unacceptable.
AND, she is lucky the others did not call the cops on her.

She needs a reality check.

Stop it now... or she will be a CHRONIC stealer.
Even if child Therapy, is needed.

NO kid or parents, will want to interact with her or be her friend, if she steals. BECAUSE SHE CANNOT BE TRUSTED. At all.
With her current behavior.

That classmate of my daughter that steals... everyone knows. Even the Teachers. No decent kid, wants to be her friend. And the parents, even if they told her parents, they don't get it. They say "she's just a child... kids do this..."
Yah, right.

You need to, punish your daughter, pointedly.
Or she will have no friends, AND when she gets older, what if she 'graduates' to stealing from stores?
Or she gets caught and gets charged, for stealing?

Don't, pussy foot around this.

WHY have you NOT confronted your daughter on this YET????
Gosh.

You need to ground her. AND take away ALL privileges. You TELL her POINT BLANK.... and that her lying... is ALSO a problem. YOU need to tell the Therapist this too... that she lies. And steals.

Do NOT allow her to go to friends' homes.
She cannot be trusted... she steals.
No one, will want to have her around.
Believe me.
I know, because of my daughter's classmate. Her classmate that steals... only has friends, that are JUST like her. The not-so-good-kids... that even the Teachers, know about.

Your DAUGHTER, needs to return EVERYTHING. Not you or Daddy.
HER. TO the child and TO the PARENTS, face to face.

Have you ever heard of the term transitional object?

Some times young kids steal an item to remind them of things they love. It is how blankies and other items make them feel safe by reminding them of mommy and safe places. It is possible she (and many others) steal from people they care about. You're hurt and embarrassed and frustrated. Beating her over the head is of limited value. Only you and the therapist can determine why she is stealing.

Listen to Living Life about sitting down with her. Not a huge fan of posting the commandments in her room, but she needs to make amends.
Good luck

I'm so, so sorry. Its so tough to be disappointed in your daughter's actions.

I don't know what I would do, but I hope I would take a wondering stance. Why she chose to do this? What she's seeing as the consequences (ie) her friendship and her trustworthiness?

I love your idea, and would follow it up with a discussion with the police. Way to reinforce not only natural consequence, but legal consequence. I would also wonder how she feels about her self right now? Does she want to continue feeling this way?

Now, what is a good way to make reparations? Amends and humility are tough and important. It will also show character if she is able to accept the consequences of her chosen actions.

Again, very sorry mama!

Going thru her things and returning all the stolen items would be a great start.

I'd then also cancel any parties or special events she has planned for a set period of time and let her know she'd get nothing new for a full year. Thieves don't deserve to get new things when they steal other people's things.

If you aren't harsh with her this first time, she will not learn her lesson. She may also need counseling as a kleptomaniac.

Oh my....what a mess. To help your daughter be accountable for her actions I would march her right over there to her friends house and make her apologize not only to her friend, but to her parents as well. (and of course along with returning the items she took). Then I would take her down to the police station and have her 'scared straight' by one of the police officers. Tell the police what she has done and that she has apologized to them, but you want them to help her come to grips of what can happen if she continues to go down this road of being a thief. Let them take her into the cell hall to see all the people whom they've caught breaking the law. Let her experience a little bit of what can happen if she continues. Make sure she understands that if she is ever on the wrong side of the law and she is guilty, that she will be on her own to deal with it. My parents have always told me growing up that they will always help me, and defend me if I'm in the right...but if I'm on the wrong side of the law, they will let the police take care of me.

I think with you taking her over to her friends house to apologize to her friend and her parents, will be a bit humiliating and she may remember this experience and never do this again. A little humiliation can go a long way in this type of situation. Also the visit to the police station will help her to realize the consequences if she continues to steal.

This must be also humiliating for you and your husband as well. I feel for you both. I hope these suggestions help. I don't want to sound too harsh, but, I have two boys and if I'm ever in this type of situation with them, this is exactly what I will do.

I am not sure that the police is all that good an idea. The likelihood is that your daughter knows full well that what she has done is not right. It seems more like a cry for help. Why else steal from her BFF and leave stuff out where BFF could find it. I would suggest that therapist who will address ADHD be informed of this element of your daughter's behavior - and it may be that the therapist will be able to address it him/herself or it may be that the therapist will recommend you take daughter to someone else. Your daughter is not likely to recognize posting the BIG 10 on her wall as any kind of a response to a cry for help. Moreover, the cry for help may be a bit unconscious.

at age 10 she wont care about the 10 commandments... our 7 year old went thru this last year. however she was taking things from people in school. every day we would check her backpack (where she hid her stolen things) when ever we found something we went right back in and handed it over to the person she took it from. once she saw the hurt on their face she realized it was wrong it took some time but she got the hang of it. she had even taken her friends tooth that she had lost at school and told me that it was her tooth! lol this too shall apss ps my daughter is adhd too

I feel for you! I discovered my then 7 yr. old son had taken a small toy from a classmates desk and I made him write a letter of apology and return the toy. HOWEVER, this was not his best friend or neighbor. When I was about 11 yrs. old, I was visiting my cousin who was busy counting all her money in her piggy bank. I took several 50 cent and silver dollar pieces totalling about $5.00. When confronted by my Aunt and my mother, I confessed, returned the money with interest and apologized to my Aunt, my cousin, my Grandmother, and MY family. But my mother kept asking WHY I did it. I told the truth...that my cousin always seemed to have everything that I didn't. The newest, latest toys, the best clothes, the coolest jewelry, her family MUST have more money than us because she also had two horses, and she had so MUCH money in her piggy bank, and I had only a few dollars. What I did was not right in any way, shape or form, but I was simply jealous that she had things that I did not. Instead of a "punishment", my mother made me see all the things that I DID have, and made me "donate" my piggy bank money as well as a several toys and games to families that were LESS fortunate that ME. It was a tough lesson, but I think the worse thing I've stolen since then is a close up parking space from a teenage driver! Maybe try to find out the WHY behind your daughters actions would be a good step. It took several conversations with my mother before I finally admitted WHY I did it. Good Luck, wish you and your daughter the best!

In addition to the other comments, it sounds like this is a pattern/habit with her. My question would be "Why?". Have a long talk with her and be sure you get her to talk...not just be the one listening. You need to get to the bottom of why she felt the need to take those items and address THAT issue. If you don't find other things that belong to additional kids then it may point to a different type of problem to address rather than general theft. but maybe something particular to THAT relationship that makes her feel that desire to have the other girl's things? She may not understand it herself, so you need to talk with her to figure it out and help her learn how to manage those feelings/needs when she feels that way in the future (wanting something that belongs to someone else).

Good luck.

I read what occurred and the solutions that you proposed however nothing was as shocking as the fact that you stated you had not confronted your daughter yet! WOW. I am not sure what the delay is but if noting more then letting your daughter know that you are aware of the situation and plan to deal with it after discussing it with your spouse and her therapist. That being said I will say this, you know your child more than anyone. Certainly we on this side can propose methods of punishment, however you are most aware of what will be more effective. I would strongly suggest that after discussing the matter with your spouse and her therapist that the three of you discuss what type of punishment will be the most effective. The fact that your daughter's friend no longer wants to have her at a sleepover is actually a non-factor. Even if she was willing to have her over she should not be permitted to go in my opinion. However, if her friend chooses to end the friendship that should be understood as well because no one wants to be betrayed by someone they trust and care about. Being separated from her friend, may be one method of helping your daughter to realize that her actions have consequences.

Hi Corina,

I am so sorry! This is what I would do. Sit down with your daughter and get the truth from her. Ask her what happened without blaming. Then when you see what she says, you can judge if she feels bad or not. Ask her what SHE thinks her punishment should be. I agree the 10 comandments should be in her room. She should also return all of the items and each one she needs to apologize individually for. I would insist that she do some community service too. But most of all, she needs to find the root cause of her stealing. I wouldn't let her sleep over for a LONG time at her friends house. She needs to earn her friends and your trust back.

M

Just sit down and talk to her and let her know that there are consequences for those type's of actions and that it's no joke. I would also make her physically go -of course while your with her- and return them to her friend and appoligize to her. It happen's and when they are that young they need to learn and it's actually a good thing you found out sooner then later. I also would ground her from going to ANY parties or even hanging out with any of her friends. Don't let this one off the hook orelse it'll happen again. You on the other hand shouldn't feel ashamed, it's normal for them to make mistakes and we as the parents need to point them out for them and guide them. Have you talked to the other girls mother? I would and try and figure something out in trying to go over there to return the items. Good Luck!

I think you and your DH should sit down with your daughter and tell her about her friend's father contacting DH and share exactly what he said. First thing is first, explain that you will be going with her to the friend's home and she will personally hand over the items and apologize to the girl and to her parents. Together, go through her room piece by piece, every square inch, every pocket, bag, box, clothes drawers etc. Every object your DH was told belonged to the friend, or that you do not personally know with absolute certainty is rightfully hers should be collected and returned to the rightful owner, your DH is right. Do NOT believe the "so-and-so gave me this" "she let me borrow this" or "I found that" Some of it may be true, but too bad, she has lost your trust. Tell her you will be regularly searching her room and bags, and follow through and do this. After she brings the friend's stuff back with apologies, you should explain the seriousness what she did and give her stiff consequences.

I would do a total grounding for 2 weeks. No contact with friends, no going anyplace without you or DH. Then for another 2 weeks, allow her to have contact with friends by phone, and invite a friend over to your home only or only to something they will be directly supervised by you or DH. Again, be vigilant about checking her room. She is basically on probabtion. During the 4 weeks, she will not be allowed to go to parties, to play at others homes, out to movies or mall, or any place friends may invite her out to. She has lost your trust, and she needs to spend time understanding the seriousness of what she has done, and begin the long process of slowly earning your trust back. Do NOT let her out of your sight while at retail stores, relatives homes, etc.

The biggest natural consequence will be her friendship with this girl. It will likely not recover. That is going to be a big life lesson for her. saying you need to explain the reality to your daughter that even IF her friend forgives her, her PARENTS may not trust her again.

Then hug her, love her, tell her she will be a stronger, better person for having gone through this gut-wrenching experience. Spend a lot of time doing things with her while she is having her consequences. Deep down she will be relieved, and secure in knowing her parents care enough to see she isn't going down the wrong path.