11-Year Old Boy Not Being Respectful and Completely Bored at Home

Do you have the funds to have him go to a day camp? There's still a month of summer left and some of the camps have openings. That would get him around other kids his age, and doing something physical.

Do you know any other parents of boys his age? It sounds like maybe he needs a little help with playdates with other kids.

It sounds like you're describing my 12-year-old right now. I have many of the same concerns. It also sounds like you've come up with some good solutions. I'll try some of them myself!

This is the first summer where our son is more inclined to sit and watch TV or play with his Wii than contact friends and do stuff with me. He's always been a somewhat emotional kid. And even though he is on the older side of his class, he often is on the younger side emotionally. That being said, I think our sons may both be hitting the hormone stage of adolescence. (Oh goody, right?)

For many years, we have written a list of things we want to do at the beginning of the summer--people he wants to play with, places he wants to go, things he wants to do, things I need to do or want to accomplish, rainy day activities, sunny day activities, etc. It's usually fun dreaming about the summer and all that we can do. And it helps when we're fishing for ideas to do in the summer.

This summer, however, it was really tough to draw this list out of our son. I think there are a couple of things going on. First, he had overnight Scout camp the second full week he was off of school, and he helped with Vacation Bible School the week after that. So he felt like his summer was already mapped out with early risings and that bugged him. Now, we're more into the summer mode and at least that is better.

Second, his feelings about friends are evolving. He tends to be the one to initiate doing things with friends and that is beginning to bug him. He is becoming aware that not many of his friends initiate the calls, and he's beginning to wonder why. He actually said one day that he is waiting for his friends to call to see if they will do it. When they don't, that drags him down. (My philosophy is that they are all sitting at home, hoping to play, but don't have the courage to make the call, so TV and video is easier.)

Our son's friends are evolving, too, not just his feelings about them. Some of his solid friends from earlier years are getting more into sports and he is not particularly an athlete. He is athletic but not an athlete. His closest friends (two of them), he has a delightful time playing with. They can play hours upon hours with Legos, stuffed animals, imaginative play, and yes TV and Wii. They conquer the world 20 times over and make stop action movies with our camera and their Lego creations, among other things. They are great together. But there is still an awareness that his friends are changing and where does he fit into all of that.

Things between our son and I are also evolving. It is to be expected as he matures, but it's driving us both a little nuts with this push-pull thing. Half the time he is his sweet old self, half the time he is this moody, emotional, disrespectful kid. And there's not much in between.

The other day, he was just being a total pisser and, after we both cooled down, I had a brief talk with him. I don't even remember what prompted the anger but we were both angry, and he just wanted me to go away. After a little bit, I heard him crying. When I went in to check on him, he refused to answer. He didn't want to talk about what he was feeling at the moment, so I went back to the kitchen to begin dinner.

After we both cooled down a bit, I let him know that the anger he is feeling towards me is totally common at this age--that EVERY kid (in the country...even in the world probably) feels like this at some time with their parents and that it is normal. (I could tell he was worried that something was going wrong with our relationship--how we could both be so regularly mad at each other?)

The good thing is, after we had this conversation, he thought about it for a bit. And then you know what he did? I couldn't believe it. I was making supper and he voluntarily set up the table (without me asking at all), asked what he needed to do to make salad, and said he wanted to do the rest of the food preparation, and that I didn't have to do anything else! He made it a delightful dinner and I was totally impressed.

At least for our son, he is caught between being a kid and being an adolescent, physically and emotionally. Things are changing in his world. Friendships are becoming more complex. He is pulling away from mom and bonding more with dad and that presents all sorts of emotions he doesn't fully understand. If I can see it all from this perspective, I can maintain my cool. If I get sucked into it, I can be just as respectful back at our son (not my preference). It's a time of change for all of us!

So, with that, know you are not alone. And know that it will pass!

My solution is to get back to limiting TV again. For years, we had had 10 half-hour TV tickets that he could spend any way he wanted per week. We had gotten away from that. We are not strict about the 10 tickets any more. But limiting the TV leads him to be more creative with his time, reading, talking with me, playing Legos, calling friends, etc. It's been better all around.

Meanwhile, I'm going to combine what you've said with what we already do, to approach the rest of the summer. Involving him in more will likely do the trick! As he matures, he is sorting out when he wants more responsibility and when less, and it changes daily! Our expectations of him grow with time but we also are trying to allow some wiggle room so he learns to handle the expectations. Ah, growing up is such a lifetime of grace, angst, and adventure!

Good luck! And have fun with your sons!

Hi J.,
It sounds rough, and also like pretty typical adolescent behavior. My kids are about that age, and one of them has really struggled with leaving behind the structure of school. The weeks/days that she hasn't had a camp or something specific to do have been really hard on her. She's not all that self-directed, so she feels aimless and sad and cranky.

I know that camps can be expensive, but if you have the money, that might help. He would have someone having expectations of him the whole day and that can be reassuring at the age he's in, where lots of things are changing for him internally.

Barring that, maybe you can sign him up for the reading challenge at the library, or swim lessons at the park, or hire him to do simple maintenance. Something to anchor his day.

I'm a little concerned about his lack of enthusiasm for getting together with his friends, and wonder if there isn't something deeper there, like they're not getting along, he's having trouble fitting in? Can you basically arrange for one of his friends to come over to play one day and see what you think?

I would not underestimate the seriousness of this behavior. How is the older brother doing? Is the 11 yr old being teased at school or home? Is the 13 yr old introducing the 11 yr old to situations that are too 'old' for him. Is there a new environment he can participate in: camp, golf club (learn to be a caddy), library (computers there but I think they are set to limits for an 11 yr olds use), volunteering to help those less fortunate. I know how it feels as I was teased terribly at age 11 in school. I didn't like anyone, or want to do anything. I went to camp, and that seemed to help. My parents happened to join a golf club, and I made new friends there. Finally at age 13 I went to a new school. I also hit puberty pretty early, and I can remember those horrid mood swings...do NOT give him meds tho as I think they can really mess a kid up. just healthy diet, lots of activity, and new environments/new friends. All of a sudden your sunny boy will be back. (well, it took me about 2 yrs). I didn't have the disrespect issue (I don't remember anyway). YOu mention 'we' so I have to assume Dad is around. I think boys really need good men in their lives. Don't give in to the sullen moods.
Best wishes,
L.

I know this isn't very helpful, but what you described sounds like pretty typical behaviour for an 11 year old. I see that you also have a 13 year old. I assume the 13 year old was not like this at age 11, but bear in mind that every child is different, even 2 children raised by the same parents.
In the summer, kids really need to relax. School is very demanding; I dont think parents realize this sometimes. I agree that it isn't acceptable to just sit around and watch TV all day, but I also don't think he needs to constantly be out doing something, either.
As far as being disrespectful, is he actively disrespecting you or just being moody? Moodiness is a normal part of adolescence, and you shouldn't take it personally.

well i am an eleven year old account and what i would do is to basically just let him do what he wants but at a cost like "ILL let you play 1 hour of video games if you take out the trash" and stuff like letting him go to friends houses irregardless of the air condition. If the air condition is bad let them stay for one hour if they want to spend the night there. Sometimes take him out to eat. But thats just me an eleven year old who i have done the same and my parents did this to me hope this helps =D
P.S here are some good sites i like www.armorgames.com
www.maxgames.com
www.bubblebox.com
hope this helps out too =D

My son is only 8, so it may be different, but when he is bored and giving me attitude his choice is to change it or go to his room - where it is filled with books. My son has a TON of toys to choose from, so there is no reason for him to be bored. He is an only child and we live in a neighborhood without kids, so I understand his boredom and we don't sit around the house every day, but there are some days that I need to get work done around the house and he needs to occupy himself. TV and electronics time is limited until he does other more constructive play or reads.
Is your son a reader? Can you trade off time reading for earning electronics time?

Hi J.,
It sounds like your son is beginning the hormonal shift. Not sure if your 13 yr old went through it but I do recall my boys (now 18 and almost 16) going through a temper tantrum, whining, crying stage.
As for how to get him to occupy his time... what is he doing during the day while you work? Is there a babysitter? Can he get into a camp for the month of august?

Fot he behavior, set limits. Think nanny 911... he acts out, he sits in the naughty spot and you, without engaging, continue to place him there. As far as not taking him places to entertain him, I fully agree...also why reward the behavior? Have him earn these outings. Set up a chart or a chip reward jar with a few activities he enjoys.

Hope you get some relief and remember, this stage will pass!

perhaps a computer camp or film camp for him to engage in the one thing he wants to escape into with the support of others. what you are explaining sounds like depression. have you looked into family therapy or therapy for him so he can get in touch with his feelings and express them more appropiately.

Reda the book Parenting with Love and Logic, or buy the audio tapes. I have a very similar situation with my 12 yo son and this approach has worked well. We could be a good support for each other because the outbreaks really wear on one!
I had my kids make a list of things they thought were fun to do and most of them cost money! Then they had to figure out how they were going to earn those activities..additional chores, babysitting, selling toys, lemonade etc.
I also found that eliminating the video games and TV was more effective and produced better results than limited use. It's like an addiction! I took it away and it was a non-issue and he was forced to find other things to do. It's hard and he has some privileges again.
I flip the circuit breaker when he ignores the time limit!
Best of luck! I also pray, a lot! It helps!

My 7 year old is already like this and if he doesn't knock it off he's going to find himself at bootcamp...lol... No I've been tryng to set aside some extra time for just him but he has been just plain old miserable to be around all summer. I can't wait for next week he's going to day camp and will be outside all day so will hopefully get all that energy out so that he won't have enough to have the attitude. This past week has been especially rough bc he's been over tired we have swimming lessons 7pm-730 and by the time we get home and to bed its late and his little brother wakes up at the crack of dawn and usually wakes the entire house so once it ends in Thursday hopefully he'll be in a better mood.

Hi J.,

You could also talk to his pediatrician. It could be hormones. He might have a touch of depression. Have the two of you had a one-to-one talk? If not, tell him you love him and are concerned about his behavior, happiness, etc.

I also wonder if anyone has bullied him or if something else happened.

Maybe it's hormones. He needs to know that hormone changes can affect the way he feels. But even though he may feel grouchy, he is still responsible for his actions. He needs to know that he can change the way he feels through his decisions by being involved with friends and activity.

Good luck,
: ) Maureen

Hi, I do not have a tweener but I do teach high school and this sounds like he is ahead of the curve in the teen angst department. Teens do want to sleep in and play video games all day long. Also, you are his family so he feels safe letting out all of his negativity on you (lucky). Maybe a compromise is in order? If he is able to maintain a respectful tone and manner for M-Th then Fri he can choose activities as he wishes? (within reason of course) Make him a part of the decisions. I have friends with many kids who cannot afford to go out much but on Tues they let their kids pick the food to eat for dinner, the activity while dinner is being made (games, talking, making something, etc.) and then they also pick the movie the family will watch after. This ends up with once -per-month power but it makes then a more invested part of family.--hope this helps

Nat

Hi ,
I have a little guy but I already have fear of the age of adolescence. I have read some books which are very helpful to understand the nature of boys. I recommend praying very hard and reading to everyone “Why Gender Matters" by Leonard Sax, MD, PhD. And another book which I read recently is "Raising A Son: Parents and the Making of a Healthy Man" It sounds like testosterone is in it’s power and it is time for daddy take some actions.
Good luck.