11 Year Old and Homework

As long as it takes-the child I had to help the most is in grad school-never give up and don't lose patience-it is worth the effort

I have a 10 year-old fifth grade daughter. I'm in grad school. What I typically do is do my school work while she is doing hers. I sit in the same room with her so that she can ask me questions if she needs to. The more tired she is, the more frequent the questions... But most of her homework, she can do herself.

I have an 11-year old that I've been homeschooling. Her tendency is to be almost "lazy" and ask for help instead of trying to puzzle out the answer herself. I will give her something to do (after explaining everything she needs to know) and she will look at question #1 and say "I need help." When I come over, I will see that she just didn't read the directions! Or it's something I know she could figure out on her own if she'd just think about it. I have come to understand that's her personality.

I do what other mamas here have suggested. I give her the work (and I KNOW that I have given her all the info she needs and that she does, indeed, understand) and I make her work on it for at least 15 minutes alone. She is supposed to put a mark or skip over anything she doesn't understand or has questions on. Then I come back. I do NOT tell her what to do, ever (much to her frustration). Instead I ask her questions. Did you read the directions? Try reading the directions again. You don't understand #2? Is there a word that you don't understand in the question? Where could you look for the answer?

This has cut down on her "laziness" or unwillingness to THINK about the answer. It has also helped her realize that I'm not going to give her the answer. I do help her figure out the answer by asking good questions. She's getting to the point where she will ask herself these questions now, which is all I ever wanted! She will re-read the directions or look something up in the dictionary.

My goal has never been that she memorize a bunch of things. It's that she has the ability to look up or learn anything she needs to know, and that she be able to recognize or question misinformation.

Good luck mama! If you make your daughter work for 10-15 minutes alone, she will probably answer most of the questions herself. Then you can ask her more questions to direct her to the right answer.

I would also like to mention that I no longer ask my daughter if she wants help. She will ALWAYS say "yes," even if it's a page of addition like 2+2! Some kids are very independent, she is not one of them. This got her in a lot of trouble in school when she either bugged the teacher to death or refused to do the work because she "couldn't figure it out." We were helping her so much at home and re-teaching her everything that we just decided to homeschool her! Not that that is your solution, it's just our story.

Good luck!

Each child is different.
But by this age, I would think she could do her own homework without you around.

I never checked our daughters homework unless she asked

IF she need me to help, I would sit close by, but I would be doing my own project.. i think sometimes, they just do not want to sit for so long alone.

But not every night. She really should have this under control, unless her eyesight is bad, or the subject is brand new and she is really confused.

Based on your what happened info added, this sounds a lot like what my kids were going through when they went into middle school. Now that they are in 8th grade it is starting again. They get a lot thrown at them all at once. Things are different, they are with a lot of new kids, not so many of their same friends in each class. My girls had it a bit harder. They would skip words or get the words jumbled and just not understand what they were supposed to do, then get frustrated When you are frustrated with something, you just cannot grasp it. I had them do the homework in the kitchen while I cooked dinner or cleaned up. They would have to attempt it when they got home and do what they could but if they needed help, then that was the time for them to sit down so I could answer questions.

My daughter has dyslexia and I wish I would not have helped her so much then the school system would have seen sooner that she was unable to do some things at all, and that she really needed special education. But instead we struggled to get her on an IEP since the school never really saw everything she struggled with since she had 2 parent tutors at home.

I would recommend you do not help you child - just let him do what he can on his own and hand in what he can do alone. This will show the teachers what he is capable of, not what you are able to get him to do. It is incredibly difficult to let this happen, but unfortunately in my opinion and in our district only the squeeky wheel gets the grease, meaning only those who do poorly get help.

Better to fail at age 11 and get help, than having you still helping him in high school or college.

My son does what he can on his own and then we check over it.. (esp on Math) we ALWAYS look over his work and if an answer is wrong, we work with him to correct it.. I think it's important to work with a child for as long as they need it. However, I would also add that you may want to speak with her teachers and see IF they have suggestions as to how to study .. Studying is one of those whereby not everyone is necessarily good at it, this despite being very bright.. I used to have a hard time studying and it seemed like I would never zero in on exactly what the teacher was looking for when it came to an assignment, like say Social Studies questions... Really, I just had no solid experience studying because I didn't have an adult along the way showing me how it was done..
In some cases, study skills have to be taught... could be your daughter just needs someone to show her.. Are there tutors at your school that can lend a hand? Sometimes, it takes an outside eye to see what exactly the problem is but moreover, how to help to resolve it..

good luck to you and yours

My GD is 10 and she pretty much does her homework by herself. If she has a question, we help with that, but once the concept has been explained, she can do the rest on her own.

I think your daughter she do it on her own. It sounds like to me her working area is not organized and that's causing her problems. Help her get started by making sure she has the right papers and reference materials out and nothing else on the desk or her to get confused with.

I think she just likes having you help her, which is normal, but it is important for her to learn how to do it on her own.

maybe consider a positive reinforcement for every night she completes her homework correctly and independently?

Now you know how the teachers feel ;)

I don't help my kids. (they're in K and 1st). I always say "I already did Kindergarten and 1st grade - now it's your turn). After they are done then I'll come over and look at it and we'll discuss anything that they may have gotten incorrect. It teaches them independence and also gives them the confidance to do it on their own.

My 11 year old does everything on her own unless she has a rare question. Last year though, it was like you're saying. We just pounded it into her brain that she has to really read the directions and double check her work.

When my daughter was 11, she was in 7th grade. A child in middle school should be able to do 95% of their homework on their own.

It's this something new? Over the years you should have seen a progression of how much homework she can do on her own.

I would talk to her teachers and see if you can identify the problem. There could be many things - she doesn't understand the assignment, she's distracted by other things, she wants your attention, she could have a minor learning disability.

I'd encourage her to work on it alone and sit with you at the end to review problematic areas. You might have her make a light pencil mark next to the questions she doesn't get (unless it's obvious from a blank answer). Or give her some of those sticky arrows (like post-its but smaller) to point to the word or phrase she doesn't understand. Have her move on to the next question unless, of course, they are sequential. Set a timer for her to spend doing it herself before you get called in.

Do not let her manipulate you into making sure every answer is correct - it's better that she turn it in and let her teacher see where she's weak or missing the basics. As a teacher, I can tell you that it was very hard to evaluate kids' performance when the parents made sure everything was perfect. Then when test-time came, the kids couldn't function. At 11, she is also going to be subjected to standardized tests, so she needs to learn to focus and get through the page on her own.

Finally, talk to the teacher(s) about what they expect and want. It's a good question for back-to-school night or a teacher email.

Is your daughter looking for more attention? Is she afraid of being wrong in school? Is she under special stress or is she being bullied or ridiculed by someone? Is she intimidated by the teacher? All of those things could affect a change in behavior. On the other hand, this can just be a developmental phase brought on by going into a new grade with new expectations.

I have a 9 year old. He's pretty unorganized, but 90% of the time he does his sheets by himself.
Maybe she's afraid to make a mistake? It's ok if they miss a question on homework--it lets the teacher know if & with what the class is having trouble with!

It really depends on the kid.

My son... yes. Or he would miss questions (as in, accidentally skip them altogether because he wouldn't do them in order and then would forget to go back through or something). Or he would get frustrated. I really felt like maybe some of the teachers he had in the past had not adequately explained how to go about doing what needed to be done. Maybe it was partly the way his brain is wired, too. Now that he is older (9th grade), he never even has any homework, he finishes it all at school.

With my daughter (she is 11, 6th grade) I don't even know what her assignments are. I don't see them. I don't need to. She had a big science project due Monday...she wrote out a list of "supplies" she wanted me to get so she could do it as creatively as possible. I bought the items (well, most of them, not all) and she went to work. Showed me the finished product after many nights of working diligently in the evening before bed and on the weekend. She never asked me a single question. I'm sure it will earn an "A".

It really depends upon the child.

And, probably a bit, too, on how your child has been responded to in the past with this sort of thing. Some kids need more help, some kids need a little in the beginning but become used to the help and get lazy, some kids just get it on their own from jump street. And some kids get the benefit of having an older sibling who has taught the parents what NOT to do. ;)

You obviously have one of the first two types. :)

I personally feel like I helped my son a little too much early on. He is our oldest and I have always been very hands on. It was hard to know how much I was "supposed" to be doing. Sounds like you are in the same situation. He eventually has stepped up, but it was a long time coming.
Do I regret the help I gave him? Mehh... maybe a little bit, sometimes. But when they are overwhelmed by the sheer quantity/volume of homework (and you are too as a parent) it is hard to sit and watch them struggle when it is bedtime and you know they feel completely defeated.

Maybe if you sit with her and spend 5 minutes BEFORE she starts her homework, going over with her what she needs to do and asking how she plans to go about doing it? Sort of an organizational meeting? My son would have balked at the intrusion or the implication that he wasn't capable on his own--even though he'd be asking for help 5 minutes later. Maybe you can word it better and your daughter will let you do it that way?

Good luck.

The rule in our house is she has to work for 20 - 30 minutes on her own (she is 10), then I will sit with her for 10-15 to check her work / help her with things she couldn't do on her own. We had to do this because of the exact scenario you described.

When we started, if she didn't do anything, or at least 60%, by herself then we'd make her sit longer on her own until she got through it. We did that because it wasn't that she was struggling, she was being lazy. Once she realized we were serious and that she didn't want to sit there for an hour, she started playing along and going with the rule. Now we don't struggle nearly as much.

The other thing we had to do was do homework straight after school so she is motivated to do it. After she is done and work is checked / right - privileges kick in - playing outside, tv show, whatever.

Oh my goodness I just got done doing this with my son. Everytime I walked away he called me back. I FEEL he should to be able to sit and at least TRY to do it and then, have me check it. Even if it is wrong I really want him to give it some effort. If it is something that he has no idea how to do, then I feel they should be saved and for us to go over all at the same time, not every 5 seconds.