11 Yr. Old boy-Brilliant and Lazy??

I recommend reading "Nurtureshock: The new thinking about children". The first chapter will give you much to think about. The information in the book is based on recent research that shows that every time we tell our kids that they are "smart" we take away their ability and willingness to work at anything.

I'm taking the advice in the book to heart with my daughter, who was just put into the Gifted & Talented program at her school, but hesitates to do things that she's "not good at". I've already noticed a change in her attitude and approach to tasks.

He needs to do his own projects, start to finish.. IF he needs help or advice, he needs to ask for specific help. Allow him to fail or to get his REAL grade based on HIS own work.. Otherwise you are the one getting the grade. You are too old to be in 5th or 6th grade.

Our daughter learned very early, mom and dad do not do homework or projects.. and no waiting till the last minute for supplies..

I agree, many children are gifted, talneted and have high IQ's, but if you keep telling them this, they will think they do not have to work..

We always just told our daughter we "liked the way she made choices."

We would ask her questions..
"What are you thinking about doing for this project?"
"Wow you see things so differently."
We would ask her "Did you do your best work?"
"Are you proud of your work?"
He needs to be in charge of his OWN education.

Even when in college and in our working careers.. there are going to be times, we have to do projects that we are not interested in or do not care about, but it is just part of life.. We still do our best.

this is my 11 year old to a TEE!!!

DO NOT do his work for him. You aren't teaching him anything other than YOU will do his homework or projects for him.

This is the "tween" stage and it's hard to deal with. Patience and staying on him is the best course of action. Yelling doesn't accomplish much.

I keep telling him son - Get 'er done - then you play to hearts content. School work is a priority. It MUST be done neatly and turned in on time. If not - you lose privileges....so start picking privileges he can lose (XBOX is HUGE in my home) so he knows I'm serious and doesn't mess with that.

GOOD LUCK!!

Nope. You're not alone. Your post has me wondering whether you've fallen into the common trap of telling your son how bright he is. That seems like such a good instinct when they are little, but it has the ultimate effect of making many bright kids reluctant to "try" because they fear failing and blowing their image. Here's a really excellent article on the topic – you may find this illuminating: How NOT to Talk to Kids, by Po Bronson: http://nymag.com/news/features/27840/

(This is the same material that is found in the book NurtureShock, also co-written by Po Bronson, as suggested by Sue W above. A very good read!)

Hi E., I have a brilliant slacker as well (now 18 and a freshman at a co-op engineering school on Merit Scholarships in a 5 year masters program, home Friday, yay!).
When he was 5ish he went through an intolerable miserable phase where I was just at my wits end with this nasty child. I took him to a psychologist because clearly I was failing him.

She tested him in every imaginable way and shed a lot of light on what it was going to take to keep this genius thriving.

And she was right of course. He needs CONSTANT intellectual stimulation, needs to be learning, needs to be challenged, REALLY challenged to keep him motivated. So I did just that. At school, I buried him, as advanced classes as I could find, throughout HS he also took classes at our local community college, he needs adult interaction, adult conversation. He also was involved in a zillion different other activites, took summer classes, and worked.

When his life is slow, easy, he is a bear.

My next son is directly the opposite. When he feels pressure he shuts down.

We have a very relaxed happy household, so I like to think by virtue of being a member of it, my oldest sees the value of enjoying life and family....but mostly he wants to be smarter more successful then everyone he meets. Whereas the next one wants to relax and enjoy life, well, least he seems to have a better balance.

The things I did to engage him that his therapist suggested will not work for your fella since he's already older.

But if your guy is like my, the trick is to give him MORE, not LESS expectations.

Like your guy, he would cop out of things that were just not that sexy, ENGLISH for one thing, simple chores around the house. And I would remind him, with humor, hmmm, I thought you were BETTER than THAT, I thought you were the smartest kid in the school, and you you can't even figure out how to vring your clothes upstairs? Interesting....

Enjoy him, it's been a trip for me to share things seemingly age inappropriate with him only to find out he ALREADY has formed an opinion on the subject.

Cheer him on, keep him engaged!

:)

He sounds like me at that age!

My I suggest you let him fail. Tell him that you are no longer going to help him and that he needs to TELL about materials he needs and that you will go out to buy them on one day during the week (We do all errands on Tuesday so if it isn't on the list by 8 am on Tuesday you will have to wait until next week, you can also do this after school so he can help buy the things). If he fails, POST the F on the fridge just like you would for an A. If he asks why it is because he worked soooo hard to earn it.

Edit to add: you should read the book Sidetracked Home Executives. She goes into how her mom helping with her homework just taught her to do it last minute...

http://www.amazon.com/dp/0446677671/ref=as_li_ss_til?tag=...

No you are not alone... I have a 14 year old son who is extremely smart too but is lazy, he even plays sports, but at home I cannot get him off the couch. He waits until the last minute. Now, I put my foot down after staying up to midnight with him once and said this is it, I didn't wait until the last minute to do your project, it's yours, and your responsibility, I will not help you anymore. Now, he still waits but he knows he not getting any help from me. I may type something for him once in awhile, but no longer will I use my time for something he needs to be doing. It's hard when you see them struggle, but they have to learn. With that being said, he's also very competitive in everything, so he likes to keep his grades up, so even if he waits until the last minute he wants to get that A.
As for getting him to do something I want him or need him to do, I have to ask a million times before he will, when he knows I'm about to really pout he tries to get back on my good side...

It's not definitive... but that is a HUGE tell for ADHD.

Check out the book "You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid, or Crazy?!?" by kate kelley & peggy ramundo & www.additudemag.com

He needs proper motivation.
Check his planner for when projects are assigned.
From the day it is assigned to the day the project is completed - to your satisfaction (he really put effort into it and it's his best work) - no tv, no games, no computer unless it's for school work.
Confiscate batteries and use plug locks for other electronics.
Fun activities are privileges that are not rights and are constantly earned by good behavior and getting chores done.
It's that easy.
What won't be easy holding to it because he will moan, groan, cry, beg and plead to get around it.
You won't be doing him any favors by giving in.
No doing his projects for him.
That's just cheating and SO not setting a good example.
You finished school years ago.
It's his turn now to earn his own grades.

The how is time. I have 4 awesome girls, each with various talents off the charts. All of them have gone through periods of laziness and not taking pride in their work...well 3 of them. One of my girls was always an industrious girl and still is.

My 10 year old girl is JUST like your son. It'll pass, EVENTUALLY.

So what is new? Genius comes in strange forms. He's not lazy he's just not interested. Every child's labor is important in terms of maintaining the family. He needs to know his labor is important. We did family clean up nights, each child and adult participating at the same time. My children were happy to be able to contribute to our well family's being. It was for all of us that they did their share of the work.

it's normal. most people do really well with stuff that interests them. but when it's boring to them, they do it half heartedly. that is the story of my public schooled life...hehe. it's very common.

how to turn it around, i would read some books on raising self reliant, motivated children. i imagine they would have excellent ideas!

I have a boy like this. What I do is take away privileges when they chose not to do something or not do it well. I also make them re-do it. You have to get tough and mean what you say. Be consistent.
No computer or games until all homework and chores are done to your satisfaction. He will get the point soon enough. But you have to follow up and be consistent.
Good Luck!

Make the consequences of his actions a little more real. If the job is not done to your liking, then he doesn't get to play his games. I love the confiscation of batteries idea given! Tell him that you are preparing him for the real world and his boss will not reward poor behavior. He doesn't have to enjoy it - he just has to do a good job. Carelessness and sloppiness will no longer be tolerated.

Ask his teacher for help. Ask his teacher to tell him to redo assignments that are not up to par. Let the teacher know that you are really trying to work with him on this and that you need his/her help.

Once your son realizes that all the extra time spent on redoing something, he might figure it out.

I'm glad you realized that helping him on projects did not benefit him. Let him do it all.

I don't think he has ADD if he is able to stick with his games and puzzles. It is laziness. Once I get bored with something, I always go on to something else. My husband calls it ADD but that just gives me an excuse. The truth is that it is just boring.

You can also help your son to learn ways to reward himself when he finished something. I will reward myself with something I like to do when I finish something that I hate to do. I get a lot more done.

The symptoms of giftedness and ADHD can be similar sometimes. My son has Aspergers/ADHD.One book I read that was helpful was The Survival Guide for Parents of Gifted Kids. My son pays attention to his favorite things better than homework. I've heard that hyperfocusing on some things can be part of ADHD. The teachers can take advantage of this by using things he's interested in such as electronics as themes in his homework. He's more likely to finish reading a book if it's about his favorite topic. I encourage my son to use the computer for homework because he likes computers and he has difficulties with handwriting.

Having him reward himself is a great idea. My son likes to set up a pattern. Write a sentence, then eat a piece of candy. Or do half a worksheet he doesn't like, then half of a more challenging one that's not from school.

I used to procrastinate when I was a kid. I would skip my math homework, then at school I'd sneak into detention to finish it at the last second. I don't know whether it was the distraction-free environment or the extra motivation that I needed.

My son is the same and there is not one thing wrong with him. He is very industrious when it is something he is totally into. Anything else, he is a "what will be, will be" kid. It is frustrating. I was the same way. I grew out of it. Motivational charts, work/reward thing. Make sure to stress timeliness. Your boss doesn't care if it is not interesting.