12-Year-old Drama Queen Driving Us Mad

No real advice, sorry to say, but I am experiencing the very same thing with my 11 year old son. He is very bright and very capable and EVERYTHING is overly dramatic right now, from a bump into the coffee table, to assignments, to getting ready to go. He clearly knows he is doing it and often apologizes afterwards, but getting from point A to point B in any scenario is unbearable. I am trying to ride it out as I am told by other similar parents that it is a phase. He is about to go to middle school and I really think that in addition to the "tween" years being particularly hard, there is a separation that is about to take place as they become more independant. So prior to the separation, they are having a difficult time dealing with the emotions they are feeling, which are raw nerve sensitive right now. Try and not escalate the situations, make her feel that you hear her and care, but that she is no longer a baby and if she wants the privileges of a teen, then she has to tow the line. Do it with love and (TRY) to do it with patience. I am ready to tear my hair out too, but it will pass and something new will take its place! Good luck and hang in there!

S.,

I feel for you !!! Its wasn't that long ago that I was going through the same thing with my now 16 year old.

Being a 12year old GIRL is tough-with school, friends, wanting to fit in, boys, hormones, homelife etc.-

It doesnt sound to me that you are "off the wall" demanding parent- I just think that the communication between you & your daughter is a bit crossed.

One idea to help the situation is have a mom/daughter day
(mani, pedi's, movies,gardening)this way you can re-open the lines of communication with her. Find out " whose dating who" or which one of her friends is annoying her now. Once the communication opens, you can let her know how the " constant fighting" is really affecting the family and that she needs to be reminded that she has a younger sibling that is watching her every move.
One idea that worked for me and my oldest is devoting one day a week to laundry & cleaning room ( including dusting & vacuming -this would take maybe an hour or so)It usually happened on Sunday.

She got used to "her duties" in the house that now she works weekends and everything is done before she goes to work on Sat.morn! Just a thought :)

I understand what your going through- trust me theres a light at the end of the tunnel!

Good Luck !! :)

Hey S.,

I am the mom of a 20 year old daughter who lives away at college. When she was twelve believe me the last thing she though about was keeping her room clean, keeping on top of her laundry, and being responsible. In your daughters defense being a twelve year old girl is difficult enough, and in her world everything is all about her right now. Being cranky, overwhelmed, sensitive, and a drama queen comes with being a teenager. Are you sure she is not having any friend problems or is just overwhelmed in her academic and social life? Trust me my daughter did nothing as far as choirs and is now a clean freak living away at college. She cooks, cleans, and does her own laundry. I didn't do anything either at twelve my mom didn't force me either. However I am very diligent on disciplining on what I consider important, respect, manners, school work etc. making good choices. I didn't think it was such a big deal to ask if she needed anything washed when I was doing laundry or to help her clean up her room (I used it as a time for us to talk about things) I don't think she is doing this to be defiant it's just not a priority to her. I am not in any way excusing her I am just trying to help you to get inside her head. I wouldn't want to see your relationship with you daughter suffer because a mother daughter relationship is so important and special. Another words pick your battles. Being a teenager and being self absorbed comes with the territory. Your home will turn into a battleground if you do not learn to communicate they are a different breed LOL!!! Try to sit calmly and talk about what is going on with her (maybe a trip to the mall together) and let her know how you are feeling and see if she opens up to you about how her friendships are going and how she is feeling. I know you are trying to teach her about responsibility and I commend that. I am clearly saying that right now being responsible for getting good grades. choosing good friends, making good decisions was my only priority. There are so many worse things she could be doing right now so staying close to her is important. Another word pick your battles. My daughter has completely surprised me by how independent she is so I guess she was watching and listening and when the time came she stepped up to the plate. Children will do what they need to when they they need to. Her first year of college was a lot of phone calls on how to cook certain foods or laundry questions so when she needed to do it she did it. I also am a very good housewife, and really didn't do much when I was home until I was in my later teens. And that was to help my mom not because I had to. I am not trying to criticize your values or your parenting style I am just trying to give you some insight on teenagers since I have raised two. Good luck and try to keep the lines of communication open. You can't be their friend because you have to be their parent but you can try to understand them and look back on how you felt as a teen it may help.

Hi S., Hearing your story took me back to being a 12-year-old drama queen and makes me want to call my mother to apologize! My kids are very young (and boys) so I can't tell you what I'm doing with them but I have jotted down a few things that I think would have helped me take my own parents more seriously and take more accountability for my actions during those intensely dramatic, hormonally-charged years. Hopefully some of this will help you and your family:

1. Rather than have the "here are the rules and here are your consequences" discussion/argument at home/in her room/the hallway/etc., consider taking the conversation out of the house to a neutral place, like a restaurant where you have a "woman-to-woman" lunch date

2. Set groundrules for the conversation at the beginning and let her set some as well. For instance, you can say, "I want us to enjoy our mornings and each other. Rather than start the day with a fight, let's talk about some things that you'll be responsible for and things that I'll be responsible for so we're on the same page. I'd like our conversation to be productive, so let's agree to hear each other out, figure out how to come to an agreement on things we don't see eye to eye on, and then stick to that agreement. To do this, I think we should make an effort not to raise our voices or get emotional. Does this sound good to you? Anything else we should both do while we talk?"

3. Consider both of you writing down on a separate piece of paper the things that each of you will be responsible for, and then put those papers side by side to see where the gaps are. Then, together, decide who's responsible and add it to that person's list. Have her keep a copy of both lists in her room, and you keep one too; because there is a sibling in the house, ask her if she wants the list hung in the family calendar area or put some place more private, like your desk drawer. This will make her feel like she has a say and that you respect her feelings.

4. Expect that in general she is super-sensitive and prone to over-reacting, so consider asking her (in the calmest, most removed tone possible) how she'd like you to approach her when you see that she's not sticking to her list and/or you think the list needs to be revisited. Should you actually have the list with you? (or will this make her more defensive -- incidentally, a word you likely don't want to use since it may cause her emotions to flare up ...) Would she rather that you and she have a code phrase, like "We agreed to respect the list and each other" when either of you is falling short?

5. Consider making the lunch date a regular outing, just the two of you, so that she feels like she has your ear in case there are things you need to talk about (which there undoubtedly will be). Part of the morning drama may just be that she wants to feel more grown up but she wants you to be her mommy still, and that's a pretty conflicting thing to sort through. By knowing she has a standing date with mom, that may give her some confidence to take ownership of herself while still having you to fall back on if she gets tripped up or feels overwhelmed.

Adolescence is a terribly trying time for everyone in the family. I hope that as you all work through the drama and figure out a better way to communicate that things calm down and you can enjoy each other more. It's definitely tough what you're going through, and I wish you and your family the best as you figure things out ... which I am sure you will. :)

Hi S.,

My daugther is 12 and we have the some of the same issues.
But, for me I began with her as a toddler.
Putting toys away.
I would sing the clean up song and we would dance and together put all of her toys aways.
Until she got it and than it was it is 3:15 lets put the toys away.
My daugther makes her bed every morning. She's been doing that since she was five. I helped her at first. Than I stood over her when she got it. Than I continued to check on her to make sure it was done and she did have to go back a few times until she got it right.
So she makes up her bed and put's her toys away automatically now.
She has problems with remembering her books. I use to pick her up from school and I would say give me the assignment pad.(She goes to small organized private school) I would tell her to check her bag and if a book was missing she had to go back upstairs and get it. She started checking her bag herself, but at around fifth grade the teachers said the kids should be more organized and if she leaves a book they can not go back upstairs and get it.
I told her no book, incomplete assignment, unhappy parents.

My daughter just began waking herself up in the morning.
She uses an alarm clock. She gets up, makes her bed, goes brushes her teeth, take a bath, makes her lunck, iron her uniform and makes breakfast for herself.

All of these things were taught one at a time (never all at once), over a period of years (from three to present), and it was age appropriate (toddlers can pick up their toys, kindergardeners can make up beds, middle schoolers can iron) back sliding always happens. Some things she loved to do right away make her own lunch and make herself breakfast, and some things she wanted to do at first and than hated like ironing her uniform and brushing her own teeth.

I noticed that as she gets older she gets better organized.
She still misses assignments, forget books, and goes to school with wrinkle clothes some times, but she takes responsibility for it too, she does not see it as my job. I think when the kids sees it as your job, that means you have not taught them much.

I think what I've been seeing is parents doing everything for their child and than their child hit the tweens and they want to stop aburptly. When my daughter was five and she took off her little jacket and threw it on the floor I said, "Little bunny, come back here. Pick the jacket up and put it on the special hook mommy has just for your jacket."
And, yes my little bunny came back and picked up the jacket and hung it up.
I see my friends fourteen year olds taking off their jackets and throwing it on the floor their bookbag blocking the doorway and I see my friends going and picking it up for the teen.
At some point it does get to late to teach kids good habits.

Dear S.,

Ouch, that sounds stressful! I don't have an answer to the big question of how to get your daughter to take responsibility for these issues, but I do have a small thought on the drama thing.

Do you think that your (completely understandable) stressed reaction may be feeding into your daughter's dramatic behavior? You might try *acting* super-calm in these situations and sort of saying "Well, looks like we're going to have to make the best of a bad situation." Your daughter may not like that any better in the short run, but in the medium run, it may help to restructure the family dynamic so there's no room for a drama queen around whom everything revolves, if that makes sense.

One more quick thought is to try to somehow make the process of her telling you what she needs for the next day funny. It could be that she's avoiding thinking about these things because she associates them with the stress that happens when they don't work out. Not logical, I know, but pre-teens don't always operate according to logic.

Best wishes,

Mira

My kids are still young but 12 year old grirls are notorious drama queens. All the puberty hormones and middle school adjustments are hard on some kids. But she still has to get herself organized. You could offer to help her figure out what items she needs to be more organized and get them. I would start with an alarm clock, watch, date book and maybe a checklist for the morning. We all need reminders sometimes. I sometimes put post it notes on the inside of the front door so I don't forget something important in the morning. I also leave certian things (keys, cell phone, etc) in the same spot every time. My friend sets her watch alarm 30 minutes before the end of her workday to finish up any loose ends.

I have to agree with some of the responses that said being 12 is hard! Being a teen is hard in general.

I don't think reminding her of things is taking responsibility away from her, and really what does it do to you if you need to remind her of things?
You are the parent, she is the child. She could be overwhelmed with all the stuff she has going on at school and such, and it looks like you expect a lot of her at home too.
I'm not saying she shouldn't have responsibilities but where are yours toward her? I understand that she needs to keep track of things she sets up, and her book bag and making sure she has clothing clean. But, what does it hurt for you to remind her of these things?
Some people aren't naturally organized, even when they work at it, it doesn't come to them. They still need help.

I just think you might need to take into consideration how much you put on her along with what she has as far as school and such. She might just need a little extra help.

I liked what the one lady here had to say, that you should do a girls day with her, or help her clean her room, etc. She needs time with you as does your other daughter... one on one time.

BTW, I can't believe the number of people who expect their 9 year olds to get up and ready for school with no help from a parent.
My daughter is 10 and while yes, she can do all of that, it's hard on her and she's just a kid. I am a parent and have a responsibility toward my children to help them, it's my job.
My kids all have alarm clocks, but I still get up every morning with them (as long as I feel well) and make sure they are up and if they need anything. Usually it's just for moral support and sometimes to remind them of the time for when the bus will arrive (they are busy getting ready and don't always realize what the time is.)

It always truck me as odd that people will have kids and expect them to act like little adults buy the time they are 9 or 10 yrs old. I think parents forget that kids are still kids, even when they hit teen years. They have a lot going on outside of your home (as well as inside of it), and it can be overwhelming for them. Parents should be there to support and help them, not expect them to do it all on their own.

Awhile back someone also was seeking help and someone gave the best advice and i searched it and LOVED it. They recommended Love and Logic. In a nut shell it is a very quick reading book on how to handle situations like yours. They are big on accountability and consequences of the child. They explain how NOT to use fighting words and avoid POWER STRUGGLES. They even provide sentences to use in all sorts of situations. They offer many differnt books for many situations. I have purchased 3 different books but i would suggest Parenting wiTH love and logic by Forster Cline and Jim Fay. I opened the book and couldnt put it down. It is tough love and it also explains that you can't be there to SAVE THEM you are doing an injustice to their growing, self esteem and their future . I told a friend who sounded just like you and she borrowed my book, loved it so much that i told her i was going to a love and logic seminar, she came with me. It makes so much sense and works. email me privately through mamasource if you want more information.
Good luck,
Dawn

I've been reading a great book called "The Organized Student," by Donna Goldberg. She explains that some children need to be taught organizational skills, and she takes you step by step through the process of doing it with your child. Since her focus is school, she talks about locker/backpack/desk/etc., but she also gets into time management, household organization, and the child's bedroom. She's got a lot of good advice for the parent as well, about staying dispassionate, and focused on the task at hand. I highly recommend it!

BTW, I note that one of the other moms mentions not getting drawn into your daughter's drama. When my older son was in 3rd grade, I went to his school for a publishing celebration. It was about to begin, and my son couldn't find the published piece he was supposed to read. His teacher asked if he had checked in a particular spot, and when my son said he had, his teacher said, "Well, I don't know, then. Good luck with it, buddy!" He was clearly sympathetic to my son, but he was not making this his problem. My son kept looking, and soon found his paper. And I thanked my lucky stars that he had a male teacher, whom I have tried to emulate since!

Does she have any issues with concentration? She sounds a little ADD and if she is or might be, there are techniques that might help her with organization.

I think your biggest issue is getting her buy-in. I would sit down with her to ask her how it feels to have a morning like she just had, to not have what she needs, to feel worried about missing an appointment, etc. Ask her if the anxiety is worth doing everything herself. Then offer to help her keep on top of things. Remind her that it takes 30 days for an adult to create a habit and that if she reinforces the counterproductive habits, like forgetting to wash clothes or set an alarm, that what she will learn is how to forget. Remind her that it is your job to help teach her the skills she will need when she's fully grown and on her own. Remind her, too, that no one truly does EVERYTHING for themselves all the time. You and your husband may split duties, you may have a friend help watch the kids so you can go to the doctor, at work people have coworkers and assistants, and there is an entire market out there of productivity tools, including Blackberries, to help people get and stay organized. Very few people can do it on their own and there's nothing wrong with asking for help.

The flip side, of course, is that ultimately, she is responsible for getting her act together and there are logical consequences for not following through. Let her experience them. Be empathetic but don't recriminate. Ask her how it feels and ask her what she could have done differently to bring about a different outcome. Remind her if she needs help, that you are happy to help, but you can't live her life for her and this is the start of the part of her life where she becomes completely accountable for her choices.

If you nag her, lecture her, or otherwise treat her like the child she is, she will continue to play deaf. I doubt it is to truly infuriate you, but at this age, the streak of insecurity and independence is strong, but capability hasn't quite caught up yet. Playing the empathy card and offering without judgment, and without bossing, may find her more receptive. For truly important things, you may have to just deal with her irritation because it is unavoidable.

Perhaps if you instituted some changes as well--a last check before bedtime where you go to each person in the household, without singling anyone out, and say "I am thinking of running a load of laundry, if you need something washed, put it in the laundry basket" it might help her. Is there anything to which she responds particularly well? I am a list maker, but for alarms, I have to use my phone. Some people use a digital device for everything, some people need pen and paper. Maybe the wipe board doesn't work for her, but a weekly printed list might, or something she can hold in her hand, like an engagement calendar (which i also use).

Is she an adult? No, but she's reaching an age where she's starting to grasp adult ideas and have adult desires for herself, to have friends, have fun, look a particular way, and these are all things you should nurture and respect. With boundaries. If something is non-negotiable, that is where you make you make your stand. If you have a family function, or a drop-dead deadline and it is imperative that she be prepared, you have to make sure she does everything, regardless of her attitude. Apologize, say you understand she finds it frustrating, but it's your job to make sure that you get where you're going on time in a certain way and you cannot afford for a single person to not do their tasks. If you were a boss and she were an employee, that's exactly how it would work.

Good luck, this is a tough age. Remember empathy, compassion, and enforcement of non-negotiable boundaries will go a long way. Engaging her in the drama, arguing, recriminations, they will all push her further away.

Good luck!

M.

Ugh...I'm sorry!! Could you go through her plans with her at night? If she refuses...I don't know. Good luck? We had one of those in our home.

S.,
Why on earth are you packing her schoolbag for her? She is 12 years old, not 5. In 5 years, she'll be off to college and mommy won't be there to pack her bag. It's time to teach her responsibility for herself. My kids have always been responsible for their own school things.
Why are you waking her up in the morning? She is too old for this. My 13 year old has had an alarm clock for 4 years. Stop providing the service. Make her responsible for getting herself up when she needs to get up.
She needs something washed last minute? 12 years olds are more than capable of operating a washer and dryer, trust me! I just taught my 9 year old how to do his laundry.
I would be very clear with her what her responsibilities are. If she didn't tell you that she ran out of pads and you need to make a last minute trip to the store, charge her $5 for your driving service. It sure made my daughter stop "forgetting" things when she was younger. Do not be drawn into the drama, don't lose control and let her manipulate you. If she starts the drama, treat it like a toddler tantrum and ignore her. If she's not bringing her books to school, then have her teachers mark her down a grade - she's 12, this won't affect what college she gets into. Let there be a consequence for not being responsible - have her teachers email you each day, and if she was unprepared for class, no privileges of friends or electronics that night.
Good luck

roleplay!!! okay the gloves are off...go into her room and tell her you're doing this, it's a great way for you both to get a dose of perspective...and second buy the kid an alarm clock...why are you waking her up??? all my kids...9-2 get up on their own...not aloud up before 7am...and then they have rules set in place...and third and I feel most inmportantly why are you letting her act like that toward you?? She can throw a fit in her room...no problem, but don't stick around for it...and if she follows you or brings it out...send her back and start punishing...let her gripe and groan , but don't even acknowledge the behavior...remind her of the rules and standards and move on...and lastly teach her how to wash her OWN clothes, tell her obviously you aren't keeping up to her standard and show her how to do it and now she's in control of her own dressing drama...try not to scream or give into to fighting...just keep asking if she understands the rules and expectations when she starts in...that always stops my oldest in his tracks...there's nothing he can say but "yes mom..." and Good luck...you can do this!!!

What you're doing is obviously not working so you may want to look in a completely different direction. It's possible for a mood to change within minutes if supplementing with the correct amino acids that feed the brain.

I would suggest you read the following book:
The Diet Cure and/or The Mood Cure and Change Your Brain Change Your Life. The author of the latter does use medication. This is not necessary if you follow the advice in the first books BUT read for information purposes to understand how the brain works.

I'm sure your daughter is not happy with the situation and being labeled a drama queen is not going to make her feel better. She CAN become calm. You ARE doing the correct things as far as being organized and teaching her.

She may have allergies: sugar, flour, dairy, etc can all cause these symptoms. PLEASE read these books. They will really alter your life and you can stop pulling your hair when your child's brain is balanced!

I love feedback so please write me if you take this advice. I'm putting together a list of testimonials for The Diet Cure....I'm not financially involved in any way with the book....I'm a nutritional consultant who stumbled across this a few years ago. Most cranky children simply have brains that are starving for amino acids and sometimes essential fatty acids. Neurotransmitters cannot work properly when they are missing.

im going threw the same thing with my 12 year old son he relys on me for everyting my older stepson and my daughter did there own laundry by the age 10-11 and did it right we decided to take some of his favorite things away from him for punishment and its not easy he also went from a A+ student to failing 2 subjects in seventh grade i think they just take things for granite and we really cracked down on him maybe if she wants to go somewhere on the weekend say not untill your laundry is done and you have clean cloths everyday of the week for next week or tell her ahead of time before she gets hit with the bomb you have to do something know i drove bus for 8 years and you can tell today the kids who had the disipline turned out more successfull than the ones what didnt and i also have a really big family so kids are my thing lol so just stick to it and she will i think come around into a routine and just do it in the end

I am sorry to say, but this is totally normal stuff. My parents laugh NOW about the year I was 11 and didn't speak a single civil word to my mother. This too shall pass!

In the meantime, I know you have calendars, white boards etc, but you didn't mention if she has an actual daily checklist. If not, that might help. Does she get any sort of reward when she does stuff without the drama? Might be worth a shot. I would sit her down, ignore and DO NOT get drawn into the drama stuff and have a talk. Tell her she can't have it both ways, either she wants remindes OR she wants to be in control for herself. Let her know you are no longer interested in the drama, and if she wants to be treated like an adult, adults speak to each other with respect and civilly, and adults take responsibility for their own actions. You will treat her like an adult when she starts acting like an adult.

Remeber that YOU are responsible for YOUR reactions. If you let her draw you into a hissy fit/screaming match, you must take responsibility for your own part in escalating the drama. When she gets dramatic, you must stay calm and be casual. If she throughs a fit because she didn't put her jeans in the laundry, tell her you will discuss it with her when she is calm and can speak respectfully. If she throws a fit, walk out of the room. If she follows you, walk out of the room. Turn the radio volume up. When you engage her at the dramatic level, it will only encourage the drama.

Girls can be a challenge. I can relate. My best advice would be to try and find a good family counselor in your area. We saw a counselor as a family, as a couple and singly when our family was going thru some trying times and it helped more than I can even say. The counselor gave us ways to work together as parents and as a couple. Good punishment/reward ideas and other ways to cope with a very trying stage of life! Give it a try, it certainly can't hurt and would probably end the "always fighting" which isn't good for any of you. I wish you the best and try to remember, she won't always be this age - it'll get worse!! LOL ( and then it'll get better)

My dtrs are 10 and almost 12, I am going through the same thing. I'm the same way with the room, although a part of me knows it's normal and reasonable for them to have a messy room. I just got tired of them losing stuff because of the mess and then wanting me to buy something they already have (which I wouldn't anyway). I agree with the natural consequences, my girls get themselves up with an alarm clock and get themselves to school on time. They pack their own lunches and backpacks. Honestly I never look in their backpacks, they take out the papers I need to see, the rest I leave private unless they ask me to help look for something. My girls also do their own laundry, so they only have themselves to blame if what they want to wear is not clean. We remind them to do their laundry on the weekends, but that's it. My husband and I are now just letting her have her fits, but she has to go to her room to have them because we want no part of it. I do the same thing with a shopping list, and if they run out of something they need I don't run out and buy it, I get it my next shopping trip, yes they have a fit, but they are learning to let me know when they are low on something, or have even put it on the list when they open the last box, not when the last box is almost empty. She has to deal with the natural consequences of her own actions. The only times we discipline is if she begins to yell at us or talk to us inappropriately, lies, is dishonest about something, etc. It is rough at this age. My sister is going through it with her dtr the same age too. The best we can do is be there for one another and try to remember it's hard to be their age with new hormones they can't control.

Let her have her dramatic fit, she is hormonal and also learning how to communicate her new feelings. As others have said..its all about HER!!.. Dont let her engage you in fights. If she says she needs clean jeans, shrug your shoulders and say whatever was in the laundry/hamper is clean. Make it a routine for both girls to have their backpacks packed and put near the door EVERY night before they go to bed. Explain this new rule to both girls at the same time and dont put the focus on her. As far as her appointments, if she misses one or is late..shrug again and let it go.
This is probably the hardest time you will ever have with her and its the hardest time she will experience too. There is a lot of reading on dealing with pre-teens and teens and you should start reading. You have at least 7 more years of this. OMG And you thought they would never sleep through the night or be potty trained.
Best advice is relax and dont be stressed. But continue reminding her without nagging and let her suffer the consequences of stinky (translation: I loved them yesterday, but today they are ugly)jeans.