Dear A.,
I disagree that you are "forcing" him to take his medication. A diabetic child who doesn't like taking shots every day can't be in charge of deciding to just not take them anymore.
I have a very good friend whose son was put on medication after trying every other avenue for ADD. Everything turned around for him once he started taking it. After all the struggles, his grades improved, he performed in school plays, his self esteem rose and he really blossomed. It wasn't a "magic pill" by any means, he still had to work on focusing and organization habits and following through on things. The behavioral changes had to be worked on too. He took his medication every morning, along with his vitamins, before having his breakfast. That was the routine, that was the end of it. It simply wasn't ever left up to him to take it or not take it or what time, etc. His mom and dad both worked so the morning routine was very necessary for the whole household.
That said, he did so well on his medication that after several years of things being very structured as far as his routine and forming good habits, keeping a good attitude, etc. he no longer takes it.
I have a couple of suggestions.
I'm a single mom so I know how hard the juggling act in the mornings can be. Allowing some freedom in the mornings is fine, but it still needs to be within a routine. You say the kids are gone by the time you get out of the shower one morning a week. Try taking your shower first and then even in your bathrobe and with a towel on your head, be available to see them out the door to make sure they have their backpacks, lunches, whatever, and give a kiss on the cheek before they leave. It's not a judgement at all, I promise, but I wouldn't have let my kids leave while I was in the shower. I had to work and not even in the same town as their school so anything forgotten was simply not an option especially since I didn't have an understanding boss. I couldn't drive an extra 60 miles if they forgot something. I knew exactly what time they left, what they had with them and they were either on the school bus or their ride was here to pick them up. Guessing they got under way all right was just not something I was okay with. Personally. I always sent them out the door with an "I love you! Have a good day!"
Secondly, I think you need to talk to your son about his feelings surrounding his medication. Really listen to him. It's hard finding time, I know, but it sounds like he needs some one on one with you. If he's feeling lost in the middle, whether it's true or not, that's how he feels. Maybe you can take him for a walk or something, just the two of you and let him say what he's feeling. Let him tell you why he's saying you are forcing him to take medicine.
Offer up a compromise.
Tell him that for one thing, the medicine he takes cannot just be stopped, cold turkey. Whether he likes it or not, it could be dangerous to do that and you might need to take him to the doctor and have a discussion about that so he believes you. I would tell him that if he agrees to take his medication, in front of you, every single morning, with no attitude about it, no ratting on you for "forcing" him for the next few months, if the doctor agrees it's okay, you will slowly begin lowering the dosage by summer so then he can try not having them at all. That way, if he doesn't respond well to stopping the meds, it won't affect his school or anything. And, he may do perfectly fine and not need them anymore.
This is March. You are basically asking for 4 months of his cooperation to see if the process I mentioned will work and see how he does over the summer.
My friend's son wasn't opposed to his medicine, but what I described was exactly how her doctor went about seeing if it was necessary anymore and I'm happy to report that he no longer takes his medicine. But, the routine and structure and keeping him focused hasn't changed. He uses what he learned and the medication was a tool to help him do that.
He functioned fine without it, but it took a lot of work outside that, and not all kids may respond the same way.
Have conversations with your son. Have conversations with your son AND the doctor. Tell your son you love him and want what's best for him and at this point, him being safe is more important than him just not taking medicine because he doesn't want it anymore or doesn't think he needs it.
He's 12. He doesn't get to make those decisions.
Whether he needs it or not will also be based on his attitude and his willingness to show you he doesn't need it anymore.
Discuss a plan with him, but let him know that just stopping the medication is not an option. It's not safe for him to do it that way.
Maybe you can get him into some counselling too so he can talk more about it. Some schools even have counselling available so you might check into that too.
I wish you the best.