12 Year Old Sister,10 Year Old Brother Can't Stand Each Other Does It Ever End?

That sound familiar....very much like my brother and I, especially near the teenage years. All I can say is that we did grow out of it and are now the best of friends.

My two oldest children fight. But they are twins and then i am the youngest of 4 children the only girl and i am 5years younger then my last brother. He and i use to fight and now we are friends. Sounds like that you two are at that age where she wants nothing to do with little brother. But little brother still loves big sis.

They do grow out of it. Just watch and try to help them threw these years and talk. Keep comcations open with everyone.

Hi Peggy. I am 4 years older than my brother and when we around the ages that your children are now, we couldn't really stand each other! This lasted for a few years, until he was about 13-14 years old. Then, to the delight of all the family members, there was a drastic improvement (I think it's all about the hormones, basically!)and we have been very close ever since! I hope you all can ride out the storm and that it will work out...EVENTUALLY!
Good luck!
D. S.

I hear you! My best advice is to do 2 things: spend time (maybe away from home - dinnner? walk?) with each of them individually -- give them attention (not that you don't now), and let them know how much you love them. Just letting them talk to you, or even saying nothing at all, just spending time together. This can help to alleviate the possible competitive nature of their fighting. This sort of thing with this age of children can have to do with self-esteem issues as well as not feeling like they are being heard. They have pent up feelings that are easy to take out on their sibling, which is SOOOOO normal at this pre-teen/"tween" age. Second, I would enroll them in volunteer activities that involve helping little children, cleaning up the environment, or something where they are giving of themselves and end up outwardly valuing their family more. This is a fantastic way to boost moral, self-esteem, and give them a bigger picture of the world, helping them to be more positive and feel useful.... Hope this helps! Meg

I have two boys, 4 and 6, and this book has been helpful: "Siblings Without Rivalry: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. It's at Amazon.com and it's pretty mainstream, so you may be able to find it at your local library. Good luck.

Dear Peggy,

I have five children at home - literally - we home school; so we have lots of opportunities to practice not fighting :) One of the most effective things I have found for the protracted kind of fighting is to "create" a problem for them to solve together with a rewarding outcome. With this many children there is always some king of project to be done or problem to be solved.

We have a problem remembering to lock all our doors all the time and we occasionally have intruders that scare me to death and then I remember for a while . . . Anyway a little over a week ago it was much more serious. So I have set my squabblers to the task of making our house more secure. We set a budget for the project and it became so interesting that all five are now involved and working together on the "security system".

I have used this kind of "solution" on quite a few occasions and it has had some great outcomes even beyond the not fighting. I hope this helps.

Warm regards,
S.

My brother and I had the same age difference, and boy did we fight. It is a stage, and NO ONE can make you mad like your sibling. lol It is a phase and they will work it out. My mom used to put us at the table and we would have to work it out ourselves. She was done fighting with us about it and we couldn't get up until we were ok. Hope this helps. But they will be good friends later, when they are older.

Hello
I have the same problem and was planning on asking this exact question but I read the responses that were given to you and I guess it seems its just how it is and has to run its course. As long as its a normal issue I guess I can deal with it but it breaks my heart sometimes because their
Dad and myself do not teach them to act this way and I felt that I try to teach them to love and be kind to others starting with their own family but they never agree, they tell on each other constantly and would never defend the other. Well, maybe my 7year old would but not my 9 year old. He would take an outsiders side before his own brother. They would even at times want to hurt the other by hitting or pushing. ITs a struggle every day. I might try making them sit at the table and work it out themselves because I can talk until I'm blue in the face and it just keeps happening.
Sorry I dont have an answer, I was looking for one too
K.

Hi Peggy, I am also a full time working mom and I have a direct selling business. I have two children, my daughter is 9 and my son is almost 5. I also am home in time to pick my kids up from school. I have spoken with my daughter's teacher and asked if I should have her see the school counsler. It is so bad that sometimes they are physical and I am afraid she will hurt him. I do not have any words of wisdom, unfortunatly, just the comfort of knowing you are not alone. I would love to hear what other moms tell you.

If it makes you feel any better, I grew up the second of 4 girls...my older sister and I are 1 yr apart, then my younger sisters are 5 and 7 yrs my junior, respectively. When we were all young, pre teens, teenagers, etc., there were serious hositilty issues between us, particulary me and my older sister...my mother even had to put us in separate bedrooms when we were in high school, the fighting was so bad. As we have grown up, the fighting, verbal sniping, etc., stopped. We are now good friends...so rest assured, it will end.

My brothers and I were the same way, only they were 7 and 8 years older than me. Best thing my Mom ever did was treat us the way we were acting: like children. It was an insult for my brothers to be disciplined like children and showed me that our behaviour was unacceptable at any age. For my brothers, our Mom would take away activities reserved for 'big' kids like watching tv or riding bikes through the neighborhood with friends (we did not have nintendo, otherwise I am sure that would have been first). They hated losing their independence and owning up to their friends as to why they could not go out.

We still fought, but the bad times were fewer as the years rolled on. Maturity levels of tweens are not the best and that was a big part of my brothers and I getting along. In the meantime, you do not have to tolerate their behaviour. Make them go to their rooms, clean a bathroom, or do something constructive until they can act appropriately. Good luck. ~Routhie

I would suggest a sit it out/talk it out bench. Basically, the idea is that when they are at each other, they have to go sit together on a bench (couch if you don't have one) & they sit there quietly until they are ready to they work out their issues and they are not allowed up until there has been a resolution. They are old enough to work things out.

I also read an interesting article recently that talked about how we should NOT be telling our kids they have to apologize if they don't mean it. I know....I had that thought too. But...it went on to say that we should have them talk through how the injured party feels & see if that invokes a sincere response from the other person which it probably would if they are open to listening.

I sometimes do these value based activities w/ my kids and maybe an activity based on them having to do something nice for each other to show family love (making the other ones bed maybe or giving up something to the other). Or maybe having a family dinner activity where you each say something that you admire about the other members of the family so they would have to look at the good instead of the bad?

I know one other person suggested that they have to do something together & it reminded me of a friend and what she did. When each of her children graduated from high school, they were sent off to France to visit their g-mother. When the 2nd graduated, his older sister went too & then he tagged along on a trip she had to make through Europe. When the 3rd graduated, he was told he was going traveling to Europe w/ his two older siblings & he was hemming & hawwing about it. The day he was set to leave-a Saturday, they discovered his passport had expired. His mom had to traipse all over the state to get his passport reactivated & ship him out on Mon to join his siblings. As she was running around, she thought Maybe I should just let him stay home but then she said No! He is going! and she shipped him off. She now says it was the best decision she ever made. Each of these trips created a bond between her children that is amazing. The three of them talk EVERY day! And...when her last 2 (twins)graduate, she is going to make them ALL go!

I hope this helps.

Hi Peggy. Welcome to brother/sisterhood. Speaking from personal experience it won't end until they start to bond against the two of you...teenage stuff of course. My little brother and I fought all most all the time until I got my drivers license (I'm older). There is a lot of competiveness that is inherint in sibs anyway...and I think it's worse between boys and girls. I have three girls myself and they just don't fight the way my brother and I did. I think a lot of it has to do with the male/female point of view. Hang in there...it does get better eventually. My brother and I have become closer over the years and I know of no one else I could depend on more other than my hubby! So you see, there is hope!! Best wishes

My brothers and I were the same way (though our age difference was a bit larger), fighting constantly!! We are now 31, 27 & 23 and all get along great, we had started getting along better as we got older.

Hopefully it is just a "stage" they are in!

First start by talking to them together then alone to find out the root of the problem. sometime it's no reason at all sometime one may feel like the other is getting more attention. Put them in situations where they have to rely on one another.The ray of light is when they get older they will be close. right now they have to get through these years and it's going to hard on them as well as you.

Good Luck
K. C.

Your daughter is probalby at hormone stage and 10 yr old boys are usually annoying at this age. That being said temawork is a great way to hwelp them get along. they need to learn to work as a team. They also need to serve each other as well.
Sometimes with my kids I have done these things.

1. Tell them if they can't come to a descion about something togheter then I will make the choice for tehm. this forces them to work together because its better than mums alternative which they dont want.
2.After everyone cools down, tell them things about each child that I love and admire. I then get them to do the same for each other. This restores feelings of love between them as they acknowledge each others good points.
3. As part of their punishemnt they have to do something to serve the other person if they have hit them or hurt them or their property some way. I tell them they have to make it up to them. The person serving decides what they will do.

Other parents have givne their kids chores to do that require teamwork etc. Get to the root of the problem. Are their certain circumstances were they fight more than others times? What are their triggers? Do they have seperate identities in your family and not just "the kids"? Do they get an equal share of your time? Are you more harsh with another child over another? Just questyions to help guide you. Also get together as a family discuss your concerns with them and get them to offer solutions/ feelings. You may dsicover soemything you didnt know before.
Good luck

I'll tell you the approach I used when it seemed my children were at each other and I had enough of it. I finally sat them down and said point blank that the way they were acting was unacceptable. I explained that in life people and circumstances would come along that they didn't like or agree with, but whining and fighting and trying to place blame was not the way to handle it - now - or ever. I basically said these are the rules of our family and home and you are not allowed to behave like this. Punish them the same way you would any other behavior - and stick with it. If they fight - they are grounded for the weekend (or whatever) - if they fight while they are grounded, now they are in for the week also....you know - they'll catch on quick. But, they have to understand by them behaving this way they are upsetting the family - that's the important thing. Your children are getting a little older, and I'm sure hormones, etc. will start to have an impact. Good Luck.

Dear Peggy

I have to say that i believe your problem has nothing to do with the home situation and probably has more to do with the school environment. Most time this behavior is as a result of the social environment and not the home environment. How often have you heard of teenagers thinking it's cool to hang out with their younger siblings. Your oldest has her peers as her guide not you! If they say its uncool then it's uncool. My brother and i never got on when we were young and i am still sadened by it. We only became friends when i finally got married and left home. Since then we have become close and are able to talk about almost everything. Bear in mind that girls mature earlier than boys which also does not help and that right now they are probably on different paths. I would say that getting them to spend more time together would be the best way for them to get to know eachother. Less friends time and more brother-sister time. Peers can be like a cancer in a sibling relationship. In the end there is no friend like a sibling and once they realise this they will be the better for it. Don't expect the change to be emidiate though and keep persisting. I would say you don't tell them that this is your plan but bring it about by being to busy to take them to friends or not being in the mood for them to invite friends. A good time is over a holiday period when they are then forced to turn to each other for company. Patients and good luck!