P.W.
Hi T.,
Your son is at a hard age and I agree, you want to be firm and consistent, but you don't want to be rigid. This is the beginning of tough years and you want to encourage mutual respect. I would not have texted on his phone. However, I would have told him he had 5 minutes to get off the phone, and then taken it away if he didn't do what I asked. When my son first got his phone I did not want him on the phone late and so he had to turn it off and leave it in the kitchen after a certain hour. My son was older than yours and so we made the time 10pm. I think 8:30 or 9pm is reasonable for a 12 year old.
I would say not to start a battle over the texting the rest of the time if he is getting homework and chores done. If you don't pay for any more minutes he will run out soon enough and the problem will be resolved without you becoming the bad guy. He won't be able to afford it. If he gets the money somewhere and the problem pops back up, then you can talk with your husband and come up with reasonable limits.
I'm going to tell you that you are in a transitional time. Sweet little boy is coming into hormones and rebellion. Avoid humiliation and keep him open and communicating with you. Yes, set the limits. You aren't his pal, but encourage him every time he does the right thing. If he turns off the phone on time tell him how much you appreciate him following the rules. If he tells you his friend did a dumb thing........don't panic. Tell him his friend is lucky to have him as a friend so that he can show him a better way. If he remembers to call you that he arrived safely at his friends house, tell him Thank You and that appreciate his consideration. If he forgets, don't yell, tell him why you want to know if he arrived.....you worry and love him. If he forgets again, then the next time he wants to go tell him "not today. Last time you didn't call and I just don't want to worry about you today." Next time let him go and try again. Make your consequences natural to fit the crime. Pick your battles and try to make the positives outweigh the negatives because you will have battles you will have to fight. Last.......you will make mistakes. We all do!