My heart goes to you, I also get scare that my teen one day would just wants to go live with her father, but we need to take our chances and do what is best.
I think some where in the path you may have things go to far and is going to be hard to take control back, but is not impossible.
-Be clear on what you expect, put it on paper, talk to her when both of you are calm, better in the car so you both have to stay in the conversation, don't lost your cool while talking to her, this first step is not about changing her but to make clear she hears what you expect, keep that in mind.
Also make sure you say what is going to happen if she doesn't follow the rules.
-Think about punishment "before" you write it down.
-Pick your battles, how her hair is, if the closet is not neat, etc are things you may want to let go.
-Let "some" space for let her be part of some decisions (what time she rather do her shores per example).
-Don't feel bad for punishment but be constant and also respectful, if you know that you are being fair on what you are asking, is not need to take the punishment away or to even feel bad about it.
-Don't let things scale and then just drop 10 punishments at the same time just because you got desperate.
-Keep telling her you love her, that you believe in her, that you are on her side but sometimes you have to be the though one.
-I know maybe this one is difficult if you already have your hands full, but finding some time for one on one would be so helpful, this time shouldn't be discipline time but just fun, get to know each other time, let the problem for later.
-I recommend the book: "How to hug a porcupine, Negotiating the prickly points of the tween years"
-We can be "friendly" with our kids, but most of all we are the parents, no their friends, be friends to them is a "privilege" we BOTH have to work with time and respect, it goes both way and normally gets better when they become parents them selfs.
Let me also tell you, my mother was a strong disciplinary mom, my father was no much in the picture and often I would think he was great (of course, he never yell) we had many fights when I was teen, it was until I grow when I look back and I realize how great and strong she was, and how lame my father was too. We are super good friends now, and I am thankful she didn't give up on me. Hold on there and be kind to your self too, deep breath.
Hugs to you and my best wishes for you to grow a better relationship with your daughter.