13 Year Old with a Boyfriend

I have a 13 year old boy who has had a couple 'girlfriends' recently. He gets straight A's and is involved in lots of sports. It used to concern me. But it's pretty innocent. "Going out" pretty much means talking to eachother on the phone and IM, and at school. Occasionally a large group of kids go to the movies. These girls are also high achievers in school, etc., so they are not the 'wrong kind' of kids. I would suggest you try to monitor her IMs, etc. just to give you that comfort level you need -- I do all the time :-) In my case, it appears to be very innocent. It also teaches them about relationships, both with their boyfriends and girlfriends.

Hi J., I am a mother of 4 with my 2nd child being a 14 yr old girl. We have always told her that if she likes a boy and the boy likes her, that she can simply say "we like each other". What, honestly, is the point in having a boyfriend at this age? We all know what is on the mind of every teenage boy whether he acts on it or not!! When talking with my daughter about it, my husband made this very clear to her since he was one! (lol) There are too many other important things going on in life than to worry herself about being in a "relationship" in my opinion. I DID have boyfriends when I was her age and because of it, I quit softball, volleyball and cheerleading because I wanted to spend more time with him.
Decisions I ended up regretting. I hope this helps a little.

Hi J.,

I truly understand your dilemma--I have 3 teenagers and am well versed with the "dating" scene. My daughters are 18 and 14 and my son is 16. When my husband first starting discussing when our daughters would "date" we both said it won't be until they're 16. Well, that really didn't happen. When both girls were 13 or so, they were asked out on "group dates" and went to the movies, bowling, skating etc. They were never alone with one boy at a time and since they couldn't drive, my husband and I along with the other parents took them wherever they were going. We were secure in knowing exactly where they were, what they were doing and who they were with. The same holds true for our son. When our oldest turned 16 she was then allowed to go out with a single boy or on a double date. Once again there was a strict curfew and we (my husband and I) needed to know their plans. The young man dating our daughter needed to come in and meet us beforehand and not just honk the horn from the driveway--old fashioned I know, but those are the rules.

Right now, your daughter technically doesn't have a "boyfriend" but rather a friend/classmate who's a boy she may be interested in. Your husband may be more comfortable with your daughter having a special friend rather than a boyfirend. I also see that she's your oldest and your first to venture into the dating world. I understand your caution and concern. Set rules and boundaries and be firm and consitent with them. Don't hesitate to review appropriate and inappropriate physical contact--role play if necessary. I found it the easiest to talk with my kids when we were alone in the car--it was a comfortable environment, they didn't have to maintain eye contact and there was no way they could walk away :)

Get to know your daughter's group of friends, boys and girls. Host a gathering at your house: pizza and movies, boardgames, sports etc. Don't hover but be casually available. You'll be able to meet the other parents as well and will be more comfortable knowing who your daughter is socializing with. Be prepared to say no and to also be available for the inevitable tears when "Johnny" breaks her heart.

I got each of my daughters a small ceramic toad to remind them of the boys who broke their hearts--you know, you need to kiss a lot of toads before meeting your handsome prince. I also told them that they're worth waiting for. We sometimes refer to old boyfriends as toads in casual conversation--we don't dwell on it. I also told them that when they do find Mr. Right, they'll appreciate him even more because they've already met Mr. Wrong.

Look at this as an opportunity to build trust with your daughter and her "special friend". It isn't time to cut the apron strings but ok to loosen them up a bit. It's hard to let them grow up but we have to.

Good luck and keep in touch!!

M. A
Michigan

Just trust her. I grew up with parents who wouldn't let me date or even hang out with guys until I was 16. I felt like my parents didn't trust me and because of that and many other situations like that I didn't have a good relationship with my parents until later in my life. I also snuck around more because I wasn't allowed to do certain things. So, my advice is to listen to your daughter and be open to options, if you talk to her and let her know your feelings she'll be more willing to open up to you. Good luck!

Have you tried talking with your husband about what his issues are? Is he projecting his own teenage experiences on her? It is perfectly natural for her to have boyfriends and just boy friends....there is a difference.
The key is your monitoring her interactions which you seem
to be doing well. His negative spin on male/female relationships won't help her and in fact, it will encourage her to keep her relationships to herself.....rather than share them with both of you.

My Daughter just turned 14, she always has her group of friends over our house, They hang out in the basement, watch movies, goof around. My Husband and I always drive Her and her group of Friends to the show, pine knob skiing. You can't always be there. She has to grow up and make her own decisions. I told her the boys are going to make the moves on you and you need to be ready to say no, and remember this is your life, your reputation and your story. Make it good. She is a great kid, great grades, helpful, polite, It is so scary but they have to be able to hang with boys and girls. We do like it though when it's not an even two and two or three and three. When you drive them around turn down the radio a bit and evesdrop. Don't talk just listen. You just always have to be around and pay attention to where they go. This boy just broke up with her and I feel so sad for her. But we all go thru it and it's a part of growing up. Say your prayers and keep talking to her. She comes to me and tells me about things and we talk about it. At least for now we communicate. Good luck!

Hay,mom to mom,
I have 8 childern and 4 grandchildern...I still have a 8 boy, 11 girl and 13 boy, still at home,my husbund is very protective of the girls and has higher exspictations of the boys,we have had battels over who our 14 girl dates(back in her day)....but the more we refuse to agree with her choices,the more determined she is to date those ones and (we were young and in love from week to week),when I just stoped trying to step in the middle and let my husbund have his lexsure to her and I quietly bit my toung off,it gave both of them time to fight it out and see,how different oppinuated they were,...saying I have a boyfreind,is so different then in our day,when I had a chance to let them know my oppinion,I gave it calmly and with reason,and left it at that,to fight or get upset..or try to change hubbys mind,showed my daughter,I agreed with her and hubby,I was agenst him...I found,the less,I talked or ingaged in thier feelings and sent up prayers,the faster she and daddy could get along untill the next boy came along,I learn to stand by my hubby and let our kids know we are a team and the adults,they can raise thier kids as they choose,but..we have made our choice to dissagree with you dating and leave it alone,I pick and choose my battels and convincing hubby,hes wrong or daughter she is wrong,is to tiring,I just walk away and pray for both of them, and myself,to keep my toung in my mouth...LOL
As long as she is doing good in school and acting approprite,your doing good !!!! life is to short to spend it fighting over somthing that can take place behind your back,if pussed to far and thats worse to deal with then,this...
Girls are dadys little princess and boys are mommys little heros,thank goodness you have them to embrace,once they are gone and married,they look back and laugh at how you felt on dating and 9x out of 9,they raise thier kids the same and arrgue,with you that they are nothing like you were ...its always worse,what they went through...remember hearing how your parents walked up hill 20miles to school and another 20 miles UP HILL BACK HOME AGAIN !!! LOL, its always larger to a young person,then it is to adults...becuse we have been there and see where it could go,set your boundries and stand by your man,no matter how over reactive he can be,you know...HE IS A MAN..(they come from Mars..)LOL
you love him enough to bite your toung off and pray till,the cows come home or till,the kids are not home...good luck and GOD BLESS !!
Im praying for you...its easy for me, after all these years..LOL

I made a sign for my mom...and you may be able to see it in yourself...Mirror,Mirror,on the well...I am my mother after ALL !!!!!
Remind hubby,girls look for boys that remind them of thier fathers and that may be why,hes ballistic at times..LOL
Take time to love them,through this growing stage and trust in what you have set your values at,she will feel safe and make good choices and if not,deal with that as it comes,WITH LOTS OF LOVE,and forgiving....pray mom,pray...

ok, i am new at this mamasource but your story just hit home. I am only 30 years old, but a mom of a 12 year old son, and 5 year old daughter. My dad was the same way, and the more he hounded me about having a boyfriend, the better I hid them. Then I had to start lying or having them meet me at these so called "group" outings. Unfortunately my parents just didn't discuss these things, and I spent my senior year pregnant by a guy I had been dating for a year and half and they never knew it. Be open with her, you don't want her to be scared to tell you what's going on in her life! I agree not letting her go on dates until she is a bit older BUT don't make her scared to tell you things! She sounds like a smart girl, give her a little trust, but be open with her on what can happen.

Been there done that. My daughter is now 23. I learned the more you pitch a fit the more secretive she will be. Let her know you are aware of her friend, and that she can come to talk to you. Invite him to the house for pizza and a movie. Get to know him, that way you can let him know where you stand with your rules. Not to be forward with the "rules" but get them in there during conversation. We moms have a way of getting our point across. I tell you the more you force your point the more she will pull away, that's when they hide things. In the long run the kids DO come back and admit the appreciated the rules. My kids now 25,23 and 20. The age 18 is an amazing year for parents. That's when the kids admit we know what we are talking about. Good luck!

It's very normal for Tweens/teens to have boyfriends/girlfriends.... Most fathers do go bonkers when their daughters say that they have a boyfriend. Usually it's more of a friendship, if they don't see each other much outside of school. It's just a fade, don't worry. Tell your husband! She proudly hasn't even had her first kiss yet!

Hi I am a Mom of 4 and 2 of them (the oldest two) are girls. My oldest daughter will be 13 in June. My husband and I have told the kids since they were young that they will not be allowed to go on a date consisting of themselves and one member of the opposite sex until they are looking for a husband or wife. Now that doesn't mean they aren't allowed to go on group dates with an approved group of friends. I just believe that teens have enough to worry about as it is and they don't need the added stress of tending to a b/f g/f relationship. I am hoping that since we have esablished this understanding early that it will not be challenged and it will take even the pressure off them. Now alot of our decision to do this is based on our beliefs and alot of it is because of my own "personal experiences" which began at the young age of 15. Hope this offers some help! Have a great day! PS My mom also worked while I was growing up and I had the house to myself alot and that did not help matters :)

Hi J.,
Your husband has a right to be concerned. As a teacher, and a parent of a 23 year old girl and a 20 year old boy, I can tell you that girls are growing up way too fast. I see 13 year old girls pregnant way too frequently. Your daughter sounds like a great person who is dedicated to her studies and her other activities. I made a point of inviting my daughters "boyfriends" to family meals and events where they could be together and be supervised. My husband also took my daughter on a "date" when she was 15 to show her and talk to her about the appropriate way she should be treated by guys. She was not allowed to date until she was 16 as well, and while she resisted the idea, we stood firm, and never regreated it. Big groups are a great way to allow her the social time she needs. I also made contact with the parents of other children about the events my kids went to as a way to communicate to my children that I know what is going on. Good Luck and it sounds like you are on the right track.

It sounds like the common thread here is communication. Talking with your kids is KEY to them surviving the teenage years, when so much with them is changing. Our children are still young, but I remember being that age. When I was 14, my dad allowed me to go out with a boy who was 16, but the rule was that we could NEVER be alone. He only let me see this boy b/c he knew the boys parents. We never hung out at my house, but we would at his house. Most of the time his parents were there, but sometimes they weren't. We even found ourselves alone in his room. Fortunately for me, I was a very level headed kid with my own morals and values (my parents didn't talk about that much), and never allowed anything to happen. My mom was a teenage mother and I didn't want that to be me. Plus, I had too many other things that I was involved in. Boys just took up way too much time. Needless to say, this boy and I only "dated" for about a month and life moved on. My husband now sees how the kids behave and how the girls dress and he's a little afraid for our daughter (she's 4). Sex is all around us, so we as parents have to be vigilant and talk WITH our kids so that a common trust is built so that they are comfortable talking with us. The more ballistic your husband gets, the more he's going to push her away. B/c of that, she may end up looking for love in all the wrong places b/c she's not getting what she needs from her daddy. You may want to explain this to your husband. Good luck

You're right. She's too young for a boyfriend. But going out with a group of kids is fine as long as you know all of them and she has a curfew and you're absolutely certain you know what's going on. This is not the time to have "a boyfriend" she needs experience just having friends.

If the boy is just a friend, I don't see anything wrong with that. She is 13 and going to have friends of the opposite sex. Letting her hang out in groups rather than alone is good for both sides of the matter, She is hanging out with the friends she enjoys hanging out with and the parents feel safer because she is not alone with just a boy. As for the father getting ballistic when he hears of it is only going to make her keep it from him and as for you the mother she will keep it from you as well if she knows that your going to talk to her father.

hey J. i feel your pain being a mother of 5 i know how hard it is my husband goes a little bullistic to he never picked one up and threw him out the window or anything like that LOL But i think that because they were once teen age boys and know what going thur there mind and as long as you raised her right she won't do any thing you don't approve of so you could trust her to go eat skate as long it not at a home one on one keep talking about sex with her and birth control so she will be willing to come to you and talk about anything my older three tell me all the how there friends parents don't talk to them they talk at them well good luck and trust HER

That is exactly what we do with our 13 year old daughter. We are a family with strong Christian beliefs that are used to raise her and her brother, but we also know that kids at that age are attracted to the opposite sex. I know all to well what happens to kids that are not allowed to "like" a boy friend--they just hide it from their parents and lie! All my friends that had parents that were so strict that they couldn't do anything ended up doing WAY more than I ever would, and now I see this with my daughter's peers.

I think what you are doing is great, keep it up. And, always keep communication open!

Hi
I totally understand your problem. I have 7 children, and my oldest is a 13 year old boy. He has girlfriends all the time. My girls are the youngest, and my husband is already "bullistic" about them with my teenager we have decided the only time he can go on co-ed group outings if there is a parent present. Even though there is a group of kids, they still think of it as a "date". He is not to happy with it, but our consistenty with him has really shown him that dating and being a lone with a girl is not going to happen yet. It is not the right time. I hope this helps!

I know it's common for kids of that age to 'go out' w/ someone (or whatever they call it nowadays) and while I sympathize with your husband (mine gets upset at the mere thought as well, after all he remembers what HIS goals were at that age!) as long as you both agree to set some strong boundaries things shouldn't get too far out of hand. That is of course a simplified answer, but so much really depends on how you've raised her thus far (in terms of values/expectations/consequence's ect..). Hope that helps..

i. too. have a husband that goes ballistic when things would happen with the kids. i have tried to tell him that this kind of behavior makes whatever the issue is even bigger and worse. that kind of response to a child's actions causes shame and rebellion either now or later on down the road depending on the personality of the child. we have had lots of tension and strife in our home as a result of his attitude. i always felt he was the one who first had to be addressed and then we could effectively deal with the child. our children are grown now, for the most part, but the effects of his dealings with them are still there. trust your perception of your daughter and let her know you believe she is accepted.

It sounds like she is very responsable and mature for her age. I met my husband now at the age of 13 and we have been together for 32 years. I am not saying this will occur but I think considering that she is building her own identity right now, let her make choices on her own (to a limit of course). Dating should wait to a later time in life as well. Provide her with reading material about teenager relationships and life adjustments, such as a monthly teen magazine subscription. This may give her added insight to what "boys say and what boys want" from other teenagers in many different situations. This will help her to "know" how to deal with occuring issues and make good decisions, advice as a parent we are exempt from. You may ask to view the magazine after she has read it, to create a interest, rather then trust issue.
Give her a chance to make good decisions that you have taught her throughout the years. It will allow a better daughter-parent relationship in the comming years (16-18 watchout and another story lol) As long as you give her some space to mature further, the relationship you have now will help later on when they adjust more to becoming an adult. 13 is a tough first stage into adulthood as it is, not allowing some space to grow creates closed controls for parents later on. Good luck!

I am of the school of thought...slower the better. Relationships of any kind are like the rungs of a latter. The earlier your daughter starts any kind of relationship the sooner she's at the top of the latter. I think we all know what the top wrung is. As a general rule, the kids today, are way too experienced, and are in over their heads. Aside of the sexual opportunities she will have to face, why encourage these relationships and ALL the drama that goes with them? They are a major distraction to their school work and other friend/family relationships. My kids are older, than yours, trust me the drama doesn't end. I'd delay all of it you can, let them be children as long as possible.

Now...the other issue here is communication. Tread carefully, and gently, or she isn't going to tell you anything. Daddy needs to be the male influence in her life, not these boys. If he isn't careful on "the how" approach, this will make this situation worse. Good luck and keep your relationship and communication top priority. Great relationships make your parameters much more acceptable. She will not like them sometimes, but will KNOW it's because you love and care for her.

I have a 13 yr old boy myself. I asked him what kids *do* with their girlfriends. He said they jsut sit together and call each other on the phone. He doesn't have a girlfriend and when I asked him if he knew how to get one, he said no, but he wanted one. My point is, with all that we hear about kids having sex at this age, there are still the majority of kids who are completely innocent in their *dating*. I wouldn't let her date either. If there were going to be group parties, I would offer to help chaperone or play cards with the parents while the kids are hanging out. Make sure that you know and trust the parents that your kids are going to be chaperoned by and then trust your kids to have listened to you. Talk honestly with your daughter and let her and daddy do their own thing. He needs to start respecting her and you can't make him do that, only she can. Maybe you can have a talk with her about how to start doing that, so when daddy starts to hit the roof about dating she can use her skills of persuasion to help him see her side. Good luck.

Your husband needs to see a professional therapist or his pastor to talk about how to learn not to freak out to such an extent. Your daughter sounds like a good girl and she should not be afraid that her dad will get evil on her.
We found out that when we accepted our daughter's boyfriends and were sweet and kind to them, she was not interested in them for long. Any time a parent is against a particular boyfriend, that seems to make the child want to hang on to him even longer.
If your husband seems accepting of her choices, your daughter will be more likely to be honest and have an open conversation with him about any topic.
Hope this is helpful to you.

L. Cory

Hi J., I am a mother of 4 grown children and remember this same with my children. I still believe a 13 yr old is too young for a steady boyfriend and would be very happy if she is content w/group activities right now. The steady boyfriend will be soon enought and of course Mom and Dad arent ever ready to let thier little girls grow up and get to know the world (ya know what I mean). Just keep and open communication and trust with your children.... lb