14 And 16 Yo. Sons Fighting

My boys are 11 and 13 and lately when they fight I make them go to a quiet area and talk it out and come back to me and tell me what they each did wrong and what could be different next time. If they can't think of what they did wrong, they can ask each other, and the other boy always knows what his brother did wrong. We have only done this a couple of times, but it works!! This way I am not taking sides, and this is their battle, they need to learn to problem solve and come to a mutual understanding. Also, they can really share with each other their true feelings without Mom or Dad listening. I know my boys are younger, but its worth a try. I really don't want them to have to come to me and confess what they did wrong, but for now this way I know they are both working towards a peaceful goal, in time, I hope they can just handle it on their own. And the best thing has been they go back to being friends right afterwards.

I think your boys are really fortunate. Your'consequence' was right on- in my opinion-. Your son refused to follow a reasonable direction- and a priviledge he loves - disappeared until he had an attitude correction. perfect. ( while it is true that these boys will likely be out of the home in 3 or 4 years -- that's no reason to have warfare in your house now- while you COULD be having fun - it's no fun to duck warfare)

Your husband is correct that they aren't running in gangs - but that's no reason to turn your home into a warsite-. As the ''more at home'' parent you have a right to be comfortable and you weren't - so you handled it. One of the reasons you have good kids is that you set limits and you enforce them- that's what super parents do -.

You get a star in my book--

Old Mom
aka - J.

I have teenage girls, 15 and 17, so I am not really up to date on boy raising. They don't fight with each other as much as they do with me. One the rare occasions they do fight, I let them work it out between the two of them, since they are training to be adults. I will offer advice on how to handle but not solutions.

You should also count your blessing. You have a 16 year old that cleans! I also agree with Dad about picking your battles. That seems like normal kid stuff and he is home or at church. That's good. You probably know this having adult children already.

My 14 yo and my 11 yo fight. My husband said that as long as they weren't damaging the property them let them. If you find any other way, I would really like to know!

Wow I am not to this age yet, but am not relishing the idea. However the name calling and physical aggressiveness are interesting outlashings. LOL I remember my mom slapping my face! I don't recommend this of course, but it was just a flashback.

Try some conflict mediation. There actually might be some underlying problems. My mom did this and it made me mad as a wet hornet, but usually resolved things. One child seems very verbal and this may help him. However, mediating will help the other child be able to open up. Also have dad do it. Guys talking it out is hard but it teaches them correct ways to deal with the issues. My friends dad did this with his two sons it seemed to work quite well! I would suggest you stepping out though as they sometimes come up with odd ways to deal that woman are usually tempted to step in for.

It works like this. Dad sits at head of the table and one son on each side. The consequence for them not taking part is removal of computer priviledges, no going out (except for church! don't take that away!), etc. Dad opens with the problem "I saw this and this happen and then this resulted" and then turns to one and asks "Can you tell me what happened from your point of view and why?" It is explained to begin with the interrupting results in consequences too. Next he turns to other son and asks him what happened. They go back and forth until the story is hashed out. Now comes the fun part. The sons get to decide on what an appropriate punishment should be. I used to mediate at a high school and was stunned at the punishements people would come up with. Boys were especially harsh on themselves, but usally had an easier time hashing things out! Weird huh?

Anyhow just an idea. I don't know how possible it is, but I plan to use it with my kiddos. I hope everything works out!

Wow. You have a lot going on, and several needs in that request...here is the VERY short and simple version...but there's a lot more detail that would be helpful to you.
First, have a relaxed 'family meeting' over pizza or some such fun food...maybe out where the kids want to go. Set some basic boundaries about no name calling (esp. fag and on your period). Encourage family/brotherly loyalty. Set expectations for such 'awesome kids' whom you love and are proud of.
Second, hubby is right...pick your battles. But if this is one of them, Make your consequences as close to the infraction as you can. Didn't get chores done = don't do something for them that they want/expect, or let them know other privileges are depenent upon chores getting done, etc. What is their 'currency?' Withhold that when they don't keep up thier end of the deal.
Much more advice available, but would take a while.

In my house we have a mandatory 20 minute time out if there is any yelling, screaming, punching, biting, etc. Then we apologize and discuss the issue. I know it sounds silly to put your teens in time out for poor choices but it still works with mine. I have a verbal and a physical fighter too

Ah teenagers!! I also have a 14 year old, and sad to say but this kind of "defiant" behavior is what we are experiencing as well. Just an observation, but it seemed to me that the 16 year old was trying to stand up for you. He saw his brother not doing his chores and talking back to you, so he made a comment that started trouble. So my thoughts for you revolve around that observation.

First, talk to the 16 year old. Help him to understand that we are all different people in different stages of our lives. A 14 year old is (I think!) generally more defiant than someone who is older and may just be trying to assert his independence. Help your 16 year old to know that you will handle the parenting and that his comments are not necessary.

Then, talk to your 14 year old. Make him understand that his behavior will not be tolerated. Everyone has to contribute to chores and standing up against this is not "picking the right battle." Also maybe use the experience with the older brother to help him learn to deal with difficult situations and people. Talking things out or even stepping out of the situation for some breathing room are helpful techniques that he can use with difficult teachers, bosses, etc... in the future.

One other observation: If your kids are anything like mine, then the older one is convinced that the younger one gets away with everything (including getting out of chores) and the younger one feels like the older one is a bully that's out to get him. Make sure that this is not true. Also, you might try giving each kid a chance to air his grievances to you (rather than at each other). Just feeling like their complaints are heard may take some of the tension out. I know that they are brothers and that makes them prone to sibling rivalry, but as I tell my own kids: Siblings are the only friends you keep for your whole life, from cradle to grave. Best to try and make it work!

Good luck to you. I know that talking to teenagers can sometimes seem like you are talking to a brick wall, but it does soak in :)

Dear D.
It may be time to sort out what is really bothering your sons.
A therapist or other neutral person should meet with your sons and you and if he wants to take part your husband.

L.-Maggie

I agree with how you handled the situation. I have two teens 3 years apart and they have had conflicts both physical & verbal. You can say that you don't allow the violence, as I do too, but controlling situations like that are not easy with 2 strong boys.
I have refused to leave the scene if they were fighting, try to come between them and stay there, even being late for work until I feel it's a safe situation. I make them talk to each other about it. Usually in the end I'm the bad guy and they both become friends wanting me to leave them alone and stop interfering. Brothers do fight and in the end it can bring them closer together if they work through problems.
I still punish destructive behaviors. My one son has lost a cell phone for a day when he threw it towards his brother etc.. It takes lots of work with some relationships. If you say you just don't allow fighting, they still will be angry and you don't know how they will deal with it. It's better to work out problems when they surface together.

Sounds like you did a good job on this one! I would look at each incident and try to figure out the source. Power is a big one. Who is trying to be more powerful than the other. Also choosing your battles is a good idea. Protecting life and limb and ego is paramount but letting them find their own level is just as important. Boys particular are much tougher than girls--something that we women just don't understand. Let your husband guide you in this.

My sons aren't this old yet, and there is more space between them, but my hope is that this is just a phase!!!! In my house this wouldn't fly. I'm afraid I have little advice for you, other than sitting down with them and laying down some boundries. The first thing I'd do is sit down with dad and come up with a plan so that you come across as a united front. That is probably the most important component to this whole thing is that you two work as a team to combat the issue. My best wishes for this to be resolved!