14 Month Old Starting to Have Bad Behavior

Updated on December 06, 2010
S.H. asks from Denver, CO
8 answers

Hi my 14 month old baby girl is really starting to act up. Her behavior includes handing me a toy and then holding her hand out to get it back and then when I try to give it back she shakes her head no and waves her arms in order to push the toy away. Sometimes when I take something away from her that she shouldn't have she throws a tantrum and lays on the floor crying and kicking her feet. She will act hungry and then when I try to feed her she will spit her food back at me. Lol it sounds kind of funny but it really is getting bad, I don't want to be the Mom with the bratty little girl. Please help me out here, I need some advice on how to discipline or react the right way with her bad behavior??? Also her Father is at a loss as well and their close bond is starting to suffer this behavior as well.

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D.K.

answers from Pittsburgh on

She is behaving perfectly normally. Try setting her up for success by trying to to avoid letting her have things that you will have to take away. When it is unavoidable, try distracting her with something she can have or by playing a game. For the spitting food out, you just keep calmly repeating that food goes in her mouth. She should be trying lots and lots of tastes and some she will like and some she will spit out.
Good luck, it's really frustrating and fun stage.
D.

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J.L.

answers from Minneapolis on

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4 moms found this helpful
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P.W.

answers from San Francisco on

IMO a 14 month old can't have 'bad" behavior. At 14 months, they are trying things out and testing the world to see what happens. This is where your teaching comes in.

Ignore the negative, reward the positive. It's the best training there is. And the things she does that you mentioned are NORMAL, don't assume those behaviors mean she is "bratty."

Good advice below.

3 moms found this helpful
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P.M.

answers from Portland on

You could try swatting or isolating a child every time she engages in these completely normal behaviors, but she's not trying to be naughty, so that would probably only confuse, sadden, or infuriate her, depending on her personality.

Adults interpret these actions as naughty or bratty because we want everything to flow according to our grownup training, needs, and expectations. Your baby doesn't know any of that yet, and she has a few years in which she just won't see very much from your point of view. Thats' completely normal

She is a natural scientist now, using playful exploration to find out what happens when she tries X. She's seeking to find ways to control her experience, which before now has been mostly outside her ability to control. And the tantrums are a natural outcome of becoming more frustrated than she's able to deal with.

Though you won't ever have a toddler who can behave like an adult and make all the choices you would make, there are tried and true methods for eliminating much of the mutual frustration that the mom and the child experience during the next couple of years:

1. When she wants something, empathize. I love the advice of Dr. Harvey Karp on how to get on a tantruming toddler's wavelength in this and several related videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6KnVPUdEgQ&feature=re... . Once your little girl realizes you do care about what she wants, she's more likely to be able to calm down and cooperate with what you need from her. And there are lots of positive ways to approach this, rather than just saying no to a child. They hear no so often, and they can be so frustrated. So look for ways of finding a mutual "yes," and save "no" for those occasions when children are trying something dangerous.

2. Keep it playful. Children learn primarily through play.You may need help with this if your parents didn't model a lighthearted and cheerful approach when you were little – the book Playful Parenting is a great resource. it sounds like your daughter's sense of humor is developing, crude though it is. If you were to play "Keep Away" and laugh when she's handing you things and snatching them back, she'll get to exercise her playfulness in a way that empowers and supports her. She'll get satisfaction from that, and then want to go on to something else. She will gradually learn when such games are appropriate and when they are not from your willingness to participate. She's not there just yet.

There will also be times when you must have her cooperation, like diapering or trips to the store, so keep a special toy or two that she gets to play with only at those times.

3. Give advance notice when you'll want her to be doing anything differently, especially when she's grooving on her activity/play. Children absolutely hate unexpected transitions. With my grandson, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("We're going to go to the store / have lunch / take a nap pretty soon." … and then a second alert one minute before making the change.)

4. Whatever the next activity is, make it sound as desirable as possible. Give some detail about the ride in the car, or a favorite food at lunch, or sweet snuggles before nap. Be positive and enthusiastic. And be calm. Desperation will show, and even though she's too young to "plan" power struggles, she will quite naturally sense any cracks in your resolve. And this is where future power struggles truly can begin.

5. Try to keep demands low when she's tired, overmanaged, or hungry. An already frustrated child doesn't have any emotional reserves left with which to cooperate.

6. Get to know her most likely trouble-spots, and plan ahead. In your daughter's case, it sounds like this is often when she wants something. Be prepared with a distraction – for example, another toy she likes when you have to take ____ away from her. Or a healthy treat when she wants a junky snack. Laughter, introducing a new game, a few twirls and bounces, hugs or tickles, a goofy song, can help break into her determination to get something she wants.

7. Avoid bribes, but let her work toward occasional rewards. Don't try to buy cooperation with "IF you'll do X, we'll let you have Y." Instead, phrase it as if she gets to assist in advancing something good for herself: "Hey, as soon as you help me get X done, then we get to do Y." It sounds like a small distinction, but it's important. It gives the child a chance to cooperate in a way that feels like she's choosing it for her own good, even when there's no "if" about it.

8. Be sure she gets lots and lots of physical activity during the day. Time outdoors in nature is calming for most children. If she has pent-up energy, it will have to come out some way, and unless channeled in a positive direction, it will likely to add to both your stress and hers.

9. Whatever you are trying to teach will need to be repeated hundreds of times over the next few years. That's completely normal. Attention spans and impulse control are extremely limited in toddlers. Even grownups need time and repetition to learn new things.

Spanking and time-outs don't work for every kid, and will sometimes actually backfire over time. Especially with spanking: children may be scared, shocked, or shamed into compliance, but behaving for the sake of avoiding pain isn't the same thing as developing an internalized sense of "good." Consistent, calm guidance and demonstrations of what you DO want from her will work better in the long run than punishing for what you DON'T want her to do. See more on this by googling The Science of Parenting or Emotion Coaching.

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A.F.

answers from Miami on

Hi S. :-)

I agree with JL :-) Your daughter is being a perfect 14 month old.. actually quite bright to be figuring out how "cause and effect" work! She's learning about her own body and the different things she can do with it within the world around her, which includes YOU... and she's having quite the enjoyable time at it!

If you have to take something away from her that she shouldn't have because it is dangerous for her, then you can perhaps replace it with something else as from her perspective.. she was entertaining herself with something and someone just came along and took it.. how fair is that she wonders.. :-)

Your daughter is not a bratty little girl, you are doing a great job being a great mom! You are asking for advice which shows how much you care
;-) Just think about how many ADULTS you know who have horrendous behavior and they have the skills and intelligence to know better, so just know that your child is growing and maturing on target and exploring and experimenting with her world.

What I realize now.. looking WAY back.. is that the challenge for me was that I needed to really try and figure out WHAT my daughter was trying to accomplish or experimenting with.. from HER perspective.. but I didn't know that and didn't know HOW to do that, hence I judged her behavior from my "adult" perspective.. which just didn't jive with hers.. LOL!

Enjoy your daughter and keep up the good work!
hugs,
A. R.N., Energy Medicine Practitioner

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S.M.

answers from Washington DC on

Yeah, that sounds perfect for a 1 year old. Just use a calm even voice, and try to speak in the positive. Don't get in the habit of saying "no" or "stop" all the time. If she spits her food, wipe her face and say, "Food stays in your mouth, swallow it." And just keep goiing. This is how it will be until she can talk in sentences and predict consequences more reliably. If she does really outrageous thing like throing or hitting, remove her and plop her somwhere with no fun toys or attention. Save your loud strict "no" for then. Just enjoy her and don't get frusrated. It reallly is a cute stage and it sets the tone for all the real drama that starts when she is three :)

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M.S.

answers from Lincoln on

I chuckled when I read that. My kids were pefect little angels when they were born. Then one day they turned into little monsters. I'm the one in aisle 8 in Target who's almost 2 year old is freaking out over God knows what, and the whole store can hear. Have to ride it out. She is acting her age : ) You shouldn't look at their close bond as "starting to suffer". You are merely transitioning to the next phase. No relationships will suffer I promise. You can't reason with her at this age. You'll only make yourself crazy. I tried with my first, and turned into a nutjob. Just ride it out. It will pass. They are the definition of immature. It's the only time in a humans life when we can act like this and get away with it. So they run with it lol. They just came from helpless beings to hey I have this new power of voice and getting around and they have no idea how to handle it. Hang in there!!

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A.J.

answers from Williamsport on

Yup, it's that time! You can nip it all with firm discipline, or call it normal and allow it, or sort of manage it with mild discipline.

She's too young for words and empathy at this point, and too young to care if you take stuff away etc. We did one calm warning and a firm consequence (swat) at the beginning of each tantrum (or spitting or throwing food, hitting, whatever), and after a couple of attempts, the kids never started the various habits. Once they understood what would happen, they would pipe down at a warning if given the choice to proceed and get a consequence or stop. At 5, 3 and 18 months, none of them tantrum or act out. They learned by 2 and needed almost no discipline after that.
The key is to be calm and logical with an instructional tone of voice to your "no", act right away at the beginning, never get mad or give lots of warnings, and be consistent so they never get away with it. You're teaching not to start something, not punishing after the fact. You can loosen up later, but in the beginning, consistency is key. It becomes natural for them to never try it, and to react to just the verbal cue. By the time they're old enough to understand explanations and stuff, they'll be way past this and won't be set in their ways to do the wrong thing. Firmer actions sooner prevent oodles of discipline later.

My youngest first started trying all that at 8 months! Way sooner than the other two, and she was a way more difficult baby, but she's totally over it now at 18 months. She's a WAY more fiery temper, and she may still throw herself on the ground if she gets disappointed, but at a warning, she'll get back up and not progress past a cute frown, but she did try a few doozy tantrums back in the day. I fear to think how she'd be by now if we allowed it. She gets hugs and praise for stopping a tantrum (very important-negative consequence for wrong action vs positive reaction to right action, kids are very quick when the choice is black and white.) and feels proud of herself.

We never went the time out route or letting them have tantrums in their rooms, because to us it was still allowing the tantrums, but there are different styles you can pick from. One thing's for sure, if you ignore, it will get worse. Some styles take WAY MORE consistency than others, and with 3 under 5 and a dad who always travels, we did not opt for the ones that need endless repetition and leaving kids home and leaving errands if kids acted out etc. You have to choose the style that works best for your household.

Check this site to see if it's up your alley. It's not quite as firm as us.
www.backtobasicsdiscipline.com

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