14 Year Old Daughter's Best Friend's Mom Left Husband for a Woman... Dilema

Hell no! I would NOT let my daughter spend the night, no apologies. What she did is simply apalling (sp?) and they are sooooo impressionable, forming their opinions about sex etc at 14. Talk to her straight about it. Then you've got the issue of her being best friends with the daughter who's in the middle of it all...not fun. Best of luck. Maybe make it up saying that you can take the two of them out somewhere fun to show you still want to celebrate her special day.

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I guess it really depends on what you are upset about. Is it because she cheated? Because she's gay?
Is she a nice woman? would you want to be judged on everything that you do and then have that judgement passed onto your children?
Do you think they are going to do something "funny" in front of your daughter? Did you worry about that when she was with her husband?
Personally, I wouldn't be super happy about somebody cheating on their spouse, I couldn't care less what sex it was. However, I would never say my children couldn't play/see someone because their parent did something. That's certainly not fair to the child, is it?
Unless there is some reason that you fear for your daughter than i don't see the problem. I guarantee you they are not going to try and convert your daughter to be a lesbian.
L.

Letting her sleep over her best friend's house will not change your daughter in any negative way. Your daughter is going over there to spend time with her friend not the mother. In fact, I would be surprised to hear that your daughter was in the room with the adults longer than an hour. All those girls want to do is sit and gossip, watch a movie, eat popcorn etc...without adult eyes on them all the time.

Your child's friend has just had a traumatic event happen in her life (divorce, moving, new routine, etc). This girl will need her friends to stick by her. This is a good event to show your daughter what a good friend does when the going gets tough.

What would I do? Let her go. It is her best friend. You would be teaching your daughter intolerance by not letting her go. Gay isn't contagious. Plus, there is nothing wrong with it...it's just not for you. I know straight parents that I would never let my kids go to their house b/c they are alcoholics, loud boisterous cussers and/or are racists - that is way worse in my opinion.

UPDATE: You left out a lot of important information in our original post. It would have been helpful to know that background - you would have received totally different responses.

I don't think that by allowing you daughter to attend her friend's birthday party you are condoning any behavior of the mother. Imagine if your daughter was experiencing some sort of traumatic family event and all her friend's parents used that to keep her friends from attending her party. How would your daughter feel? Now imagine how you doing the same would affect this little girl. I suggest using this as an opportunity to teach your daughter how to be a supportive, compassionate friend.

I would not impose my own judgments onto the live of others, and I would want to teach my daughter not to be judgmental or hateful of the lifestyle choices of others. I would let her go and let her have fun.

I just read your update and have one question, if your reason is that they are living together out of wed lock, and gays are not allowed to get married in most states, than what other options do they have?

Hi Mama
You need to be honest with yourself.Would you react the same way if she was living with another man.?
Then put your judgements aside and only focus on your daughter's friendship.
Do all the normal necessary parenting things you would do when your daughter is having sleepovers-meeting the adults in the house,exchanging phone numbers,ringing your daughter before bed and in the morning etc.
B.

Is it your daughter's fault that the mom did this? Is it your daughter's friend's fault that the mom did this?

Of course not... So why punish them for her actions?

You can't force that mom to go back to her husband.
Your daughter is going to get exposed to many differnt things in life, this is one of them.
She's 14 and I'm pretty certain her little friend needs her life to stay as normal as possible, why punish her for her mom's choices? That would not be fair, right?
If your daughter is comfortable to go, I'd say let her go.
EDIT: After reading your "what happened", if your daughter doesnt want to go she just needs to be honest and tell her friend the truth of why she doesnt want to go.... no different than not wanting to go to the mall with Judy on Saturday..... if she doesnt want to go she needs to say so. All she has to say is "I just don't feel comfortable yet with yur mom's new situation, and my mom doesnt know your moms g/f so she would rather I skipped the overnight this time around, but maybe next time." The friend wil have to get used to being treated just a little bit different, it's bound to happen, it will toughen her up as well.
Maybe take her to the party for the day, meet the g/f while you are there, pick daughter up later so she doesnt spend the night. At least then you will have met the g/f and you will go back later to pick up daughter and you will be able to tell if drinking was going on..... then you will be able to make a judgement call for how you want to handle the visits in the future since you will be more informed.

I understand where you are coming from, but if you don't think your daughter will be unsafe or in any sort of danger, then I don't see a problem with it.
It doesn't make sense to punish the girls for what the mother has done.

I doubt it's going to be a raging lesbian party with them trying to convert all the girls.

As long as you think she'll be safe, then it should be fine :)

Well, I have no problem with lesbianism, but I would make sure my daughter knew that the problem was the cheating. I would tell her it was not okay for her friend's mother to do that, and if she absolutely didn't want to be married to her father anymore, she should have gotten a divorce before pursuing anyone else. I wouldn't punish your daughter or her friend for the friend's mothers' lack of judgment in this matter. Depending on her (the mother) age, she may have just fully realized she was gay or decided she could no longer live the lie she's been living all these years. It happens quite a bit to women and men, but it's still not okay to cheat. As long as your daughter realizes that, it should be fine. Would you have as big a problem with it if the woman had left her husband for another man?

What would I do?
Since you must have a relationship of sorts with the friend's mom, I guess I would probably offer her an ear or a shoulder or show her in some way I'm there for her as any friend would.

Course I want my daughter to grow up to be an open minded, empathetic, generous, non judgemental woman as well. I would want her to be there for her friend who has been through a lot recently.

But mostly I would want her to be a normal happy 14 year old girl and have a blast at her BFF's birthday party.

i would let her go..her poor friend has just been thru some terrible emotions and probably could use a night with her friends to forget about things if for only one night..

I understand your hesitation but likely nothing bad will actually happen and think of your daughter's poor friend... Her family has been upended and in a nonconventional way. Unless you think she's a bad kid, don't detract from her birthday too by not letting her best friend come. And if it is your daughter's best friend, this wont' be the last time this comes up.

I agree with your morals and values, but if she is in no danger you should let her go. Talk to her about the situation, and let her know your a phone call away if she wanted to come home.

I wouldn't let her go. well I guess I wouldn't if they are crackheads or prostitutes or child pornographers or anything to that effect. But if you would have let her go if it was husband and miserable wife then maybe you should consider letting her enjoy her friends birthday. If you believe that you have been a good parent and taught your daughter proper morals and values. I think you should let her go. It's not too different than letting her go to a friends house with a mother and father. You don't expect them to be making out or being vulgar. So there's no reason to stop her from going. All you would be doing is punishing your daughter if you don't let her go.

Be honest with your daughter and tell her exactly why she can't go. Then invite the friend over to your house next weekend for a sleepover. What you tell the family as to why she can't go is your business

Your daughter has had 14 years of proper teaching and moral modeling by your family. I would let her go with faith that she knows right from wrong. Her friend is not the one who has made the bad choices, yet will be the who suffers for her mothers indiscretions. You know what values your daughter has learned from you and it would take much more then a sleepover to change them. Good Luck :)

I for one would not let my child go - that being said. I do feel like you should help your daughter out if she really doesn't want to go. It is o.k. for us parents to be the bad guys sometimes. I remember as a teenager being invited over to spend the night with a person from church and really not wanting to go due to their family circumstances. I asked my parents hoping they would say "no", but they said it was o.k. So, I went but was miserable and nervous the whole time. Due to that circumstance in my younger days, I have always told my boys that if there is something they don't feel comfortable with, then they are always welcome to use me as the reason for not being able to do it. (but do let me know when they are using me as the reason) :)

I would allow it. She's old enough to understand what's going on and keeping her from the party will only peak her interest in the whole thing. And, let's face it, these women will probably never get married (not necessarily through any choice of their own), so it's the kind of problem that can't really be solved. I wouldn't make a big deal out of it.

Hadn't read your edit to your question when I posted this. If you aren't comfortable with this woman for other reasons, then that's a different story. I would go with your instinct on that one.

Take your cue from your daughter. If she prefers not to go, then she doesn't go. Case closed. Perhaps she can do something special with her friend on more neutral territory to celebrate the birthday on a different day.

Whenever my daughter is invited to sleepovers I let the parent(s) know during my RSVP that she can attend the party but not sleepover.I asked will this be a problem if it isnt we agree on pickup time. Its as simple as that no explanation needed.

Tough situation.

Since your daughter doesn't want to go but doesn't want to hurt her friend, give her an out. Tell her that you will support either decision but she can go to the party and you will pick her up before "bedtime" or she can miss altogether and either way put the blame on you by saying you have something else going on and she can't spend the night or go at all (based on what she decides). Let her get and give her best friend a gift or take them somewhere fun on a different night.

well after your update, i say this is simple. if your daughter doesn't want to go, you step up for her and be the bad guy. "sorry, we have X to do that day, she's not going to be able to make it." period. help her get out of it tactfully and respectfully. maybe offer to take the birthday girl out to a movie on another day.

I think that you have probably already taught your daughter about morality and have shared your values with her over the last 14 years.

If it were me, I would send my daughter, and have a little chat with her first to let her know that I don't have to approve of everything everyone does, and some people disagree with my ideas on religion and moral issues, but that above all things in her life, I would hope that she would know how to be tolerant and kind to all people, even when they are openly living in a way that our church does not support. I would just tell her that we love all people, no matter what their choices are, and that we treat them the way that we would like to be treated.

For most people I know, I have no idea what they do in thier bed room, and I am sure that other people I send my child to spend time with commit sins that I don't know about that are much more distructive than homosexuality.

If it were me, the sin I would be upset about is cheeting on her husband, becasue that was a sin that hurt not just the person she cheeted on, but her family too. She could have left without cheeting, not that it would not hurt them, just not is such a destructive way.

M.

If your daughter has expressed that she doesn't want to go then tell her she can't because you want to spend family time or some other reason. Be the bad guy. Especially if she's told you then she's hoping you'll give her an excuse not to go. She can always invite her friend to a movie later to celebrate or just to hang out. I would have a hard time allowing my child to go. There are TOO MANY RED FLAGS HERE. My parents have alway told me to go with your gut. There is a reason you get those feelings. God's trying to tell you something and you should listen. Be the bad guy and plan a mother/daughter day instead or family outing or movie night. Your daughter will appreciate it and won't hurt her friends feelings. The friend may be uncomfortable about it as well but mother may be forcing her to do it to show she's not embarrassed or that she's ok with everything.

First off, I’m with you. The fact she left her husband for another woman is not what bothers me. What would bother me is she cheated on her husband. What kind of example is that to teach your children??? That woman has no respect for another. She not only cheats on her husband but leaves him and immediately moves in with someone else??!! That just tells you about her character. She lacks SO much integrity and don’t our children learn from our actions?? She obviously had to lie so teaching her daughter that lying is o.k.?? Not having any regard for how her actions would affect everyone else??

Put all this together and I can imagine why you are having doubts. How can you let your daughter stay the night at someone’s house you have little to no respect for? That’s a hard one.

My daughter and I have a really close relationship. Just like I want her to be honest with me about her feelings, I like to be honest with her too. You should sit with your daughter and let her know how you feel about what this woman did. Make it clear that had she left him for another man you would feel the exact same way. Tell her you trust her, but that you are having a hard time deciding whether or not to let her go.

Would you let your daughter stay the night if it was another man she was living with?? Probably not. I wouldn’t let my daughter spend the night anywhere unless I knew BOTH parents/SO!

Best of luck with whatever happens!!!

Had your child spent the night at your friends home when her parents were still together? Do you know the Mother and feel like she is a safe person to be in charge of your daughter for the night? | see that you say this is your daughters best friend...so I am assuming you have a "history" with the child and with the parents.
My best advice is to go with your gut...if you don't feel comfortable letting her spend the night then dont....maybe you could let her go to the party and then pick her up at a set time.

I would not let my daughter stay there. Her friend would always be welcomed at my house though. It is bad enough that this young lady is caught in the middle of a messy divorce/separation, you daughter does not have to be caught up in too. It is not ok to leave your spouse with the person you were cheating with and then expect everybody to play nice like it is all perfectly fine. Plus this is all recent and it is a huge blow to the family and emotions are still high, I would not want my child caught up in all of that. I would tell my daughter we could revisit the topic at another time but things were still unstable and it is my job to provide her with love, security and safety end of story. Then I would ask what weekend would she like to invite her friend over to celebrate her bday, I would probably bake a cake and make it special and let them stay up watching movies and eating junk. Good luck, you are in a tough spot, but I can say my mother would not have let me and I grew up to be a strong person who knows my own mind about things, so don't worry about scarring her if you don't, you are still the the mom!!:D

Did your daughter sleep over at this friends house when her mother was with her husband? If she did then you obviously trusted her and there is no reason not to trust her now. Other peoples preferences are not ours to judge. If she is a decent respectful person then her preferences are not our business. Don't think for one minute that your 14 year old doesn't know what is happening. They are more in the loop than we realize. Good luck with your decision.

L.

if she wanted to go i would simply ask if i could also attend- since she doesnt want to go, just tell the friend she is not going to be able to attend that you have a family activity planned, and that she should come over and stay a night with ur daughter at your house when she is free.

The mom cheated on her husband; I wouldn't let my child go to a sleepover at the adulteror's home (male or female). I have no problem with same sex relationships - when both people are SINGLE. Cheating is cheating. If the woman shows lack of judgement to cheat, I'd feel a bit insecure about her judgement in general. Have the poor girl over to a sleepover at your home - she needs all the friends she can get cause she has to deal with the parents cheating/divorcing, etc.

I honestly don't think i would let her, but i would try to work some compromise. Like one poster said about going to the party not the sleep over. Personally, i would rather take the friend and give her a whole girls day out with your daughter, pamper her up and really pay attention to her.

This mom is a cheater and therefore a liar. And I"m not sure you need to thrust the whole lesbian issue onto your daughter that quickly. To me a sleep over is different than doing homework together or Mom and Mom taking everyone to a movie. It' isn't like you've had a whole lot of time to get used to these parents being separated and in a relationship with Anyone else, let alone another woman. Just my 2 cents. Have you talked to your daughter?
One other little concern i have, after reading the post about most of the hijinx happening at these sorts of events, I would think the girl is very vulnerable right now and would be looking for ways to escape and i can see experimentation with drugs and alcohol looking very attractive to this little girl whose world has been torn apart. So i would want to know what sorts of things could easily be obtained at this party and talk with your daughter about what to do in that situation.

When letting your daughter stay over at another's house, I think it's important to think:
1-Do i know the adults there?
2-Do I trust them?
3-Is there any risk of the girls getting into trouble--alcohol, drugs
4-will there be supervision

After that, make your decision. If you are going to start to limit your daughter's friends to people who are happily married, never do anything wrong, and hold the same values as you, there won't be that many friends left! People get divorced---are you not going to let your daughter be friend's with anyone who is in a divorced family situation until you find out the reasons? that would seem absurd! It's not our place to judge people at all. There are many things we can't control, but we can look out for our kids safety in situations and they need to understand people are different. We are responsible for teaching our kids to make good choices and teach the values we would like.

absoultely no way would i allow my daughter or son spend the night. your correct in thinking that your morals and values come into play. go with your gut. also be very clear and explain the reason to your daughter. its almost time for her to start making her own choices. best of luck.

While I understand you not agreeing with people living together before marriage, you also have to understand that this couple can not legally be married. Once you explain that this mother also has a drinking problem, and couldn't even have her children in her home for a time due to a court order, it sounds as though there are bigger issues that would prevent your daughter from staying the night.

Since your daughter doesn't want to go, and it sounds like a toxic environment, simply tell the mother (or have your daughter tell her friend) that you have plans for that evening. Then ask if the girl can come over the following weekend for a sleepover. This way the child isn't being judged on her mother's behavior and you don't have to worry about your daughter in this environment.

If you are not comfortable with it just let her go to the party and pick her up late.

What if the new woman was a man? Would you have the same outlook? If so, then don't let her go. If it would be different with a woman living with a man (unmarried) then you need to examine your own motivations. So if it's the "co-habitating" you have issue with, I can see it. If it's the woman-woman thing, I think you need to make an effort to accept it since this is your daughter's best friend.

It should be a moot question. Afterall, would ya let her sleepover at a house with *any* adult stranger, under any circumstance? NOT! You'd be nuts to. Obviously you don't know the mom as well as you thought, and who knows what about the other gal.

I say sleepovers for kids that old is for the birds. In my day as a teen thats when all of the unsupervised hijinks happend anyway. ie. booze, drugs, boys, sneaking out, you get the idea.

Bottomline, no.

if you trust friends mom, let her, a rule of thumb i follow.....when in doubt say no, by the posting you're obviously in doubt so say no....BUT don't expect friends mom to let friend stay the night with your daughter. i'm a FIRM believer in "the road goes 2 ways" if a friend of my daughter's can't stay the night with her, she doesn't stay the night with the friend.

Since your daughter doesn't want to go, then tell her politely that you are sorry she can't come. Then offer to take the girl and your daughter out for lunch or ice cream or something to celebrate on day that works better for all of you. That way it sounds like the timing is bad. This young girl does not need to know the truth as she is probably hurting already.

I also would not want my daughter to think that cheating on her husband and then living with the new lover is at all acceptable behavior. The mom having the party there with the girlfriend seems like a flat out attempt to throw it in everyone's face that she is happy. Disgusting that she would do that to her daughter's friends. I would think the daughter is very embarrassed that her mom would stoop so low.

See how your daughter feels. If she wants to go for the evening and not stay over that could work. If she doesn't want to go let her "blame" it on you not letting her go for whatever reason. Not knowing the girlfriend is an understandable reason for not wanting your daughter to stay over night.

If your daughter is close friends with this girl perhaps you can encourage them to get together at your house, especially if things are less than calm in her home. My best friend in high school (and now) had a clueless single father and she was always at my house. My mom was very nice about it and never made it a big deal. From her POV she always knew were we were and that we were not getting into any trouble.

If I did not know the people that my child was going to spend the night with then no he/she could not go. I need to know them period. You know nothing about them. The fact that she could not even have her daughter just adds to this. No way. I would ask my daughter if she wants her friend to spend the night some other time at your home?

Since your daughter doesn't really want to go and you don't feel comfortable having her at someone's house you don't trust, then I'd tell your daughter to stay home that night, have the friend over another time when she can do something special for her birthday one on one. Have your daughter tell her friend she's not allowed to go to the party so it shifts the blame to you and she's off the hook with her friend.

How many friends will be sleeping over? Do you know the mom enough to offer to help chaperone? If not and you are truly uncomfortable with the situation, decline and invite the friend over the next weekend for a sleepover at your house. Plan some special activities for the two of them.

If you can chaperone that may help you feel better, although at 14 girls are pretty self sufficient and will probably be on their own most of the night. (Who wants to socialize with adults at 14? lol!)

Hope it works out!

First you talk to your daughter and explain to her how you feel. Kids these days see all that happening in school. There are so many gay kids these days its unreal....I dont think you should worry about anything. But have a good talk with her to see how she feels about it. Tell her what is to be expected from her. She cant loose her bff because of the mom who doesnt know right from wrong...terrible situation,,,,get ready it gets worse.....good luck. just read your second post,,,,if she dont want to go dont send her. Sit with her and decide what to say to the friend together so not to hurt her feelings.

without reading all 54 responses what I would do is just have your daughter go over the friends house for a couple of hours that night and not stay the night, that way she made an appearance, supported her friend and still was able to avoid probably a uncomfortable situation for her and show that you can compromise for your daughter without compromising your beliefs. Moms have the tough job of making decisions and i think that you are doing a great job sticking to your gut feelings when it comes to your kids and what you feel are appropriate situations for them.

I would not let her go for two reasons if there was a court order that the children could not stay there... then that is a major red flag. Two the drinking issue is another problem. I would have your daughter get sick, she feels sick about the whole thing anyway and you do not need to stress out your own child . She come before all these other people. You do not want to let your daughter do something she does not want to because of other people even her best friend. You can take the fall for her if you want. You can take her friend out another day and give her some attention she really probably needs. Good luck.

What if your daughter went for the party but didn't spend the night?

If your daughter doesn't really want to go, then plan an evening out with her for that night so she can HONESTLY say "I can't, I have a date with my mom." Make an excuse so your daughter's friend's feeling don't get hurt, but then actually DO whatever you say you're going to!

My mom used to LITERALLY step into the bathtub when someone called that she didn't want to talk to so I could honestly say "sorry, my mom's in the tub".

If your daughter wants to go to the party for a while and not sleep over, I would do that if it were me.
Ask your daughter---she's old enough to make her decision on this.

Yes, I echo what Margaret said.

My kids started deciding a lot more of their social calendar at age 13, with parental guidance of course.
Mine were often invited to parties where they would have felt uncomfortable, didn't care for the father or the older brother was a jerk, didn't like the activities being planned (TP'ing houses....) etc....
and I let them decide.

You have to be honest first and foremost with self. If morally you think the wife exercised poor judgment then stick to your guns and don't allow your daughter to participate. Also, you can be "tolerant" and still protect your daughter from what you deem as inappropriate behavior.

I didn't read the other responses, but it sounds to me from your "What happened" that you're more concerned for your daughter's safety than the relationship issue since the mother has a history of drinking and you don't know the other woman.
If your daughter doesn't want to go, support her in that decision but I wouldn't be the crutch and the reason she can't go. She'll need to tell her friend honestly and gently and offer to do something else special with her. It will be a great learning experience for her in following her own wants/needs and being diplomatic about it.
As far as the moral issues, there are going to be all sorts of issues with family, friends, etc who don't believe what you do. The best you can do for your children is teach them your views and reasons for them. They themselves may make decisions later against your beliefs, but you have to give them the freedom & support needed anyway. I saw my fav uncle completely banished from the family b/c he came out of the closet when I was 5 (he was married to a woman- my mom's bf- at the time). Although the family didn't agree with his lifestyle doesn't mean he should have been treated that way. Love the sinner, hate the sin. It took 20+ years before they would accept him again.
I'm not trying to be judgemental (there's already plenty of that already!). I believe everyone should be free to believe as they will; just sharing what I've seen...

No. I wouldn't allow her to go there either. Not just b/c of the whole lesbian thing, but b/c her mother is obviously a not so trustworthy person to begin with, and also, have you met the other woman who will be there and feel comfortable with her? This is one reason why we don't allow sleepovers period, no matter the sexual orientation or marital status. You can still raise children to not be judgmental, but still teach them to maintain boundaries of ethics and character and be a caring person at the same time. Though I would still encourage your daughter to be a great friend to this girl and provide get togethers for them, just not sleepovers.

Hmmm...this is a toughie. The mother definitely shows questionable character. (leaving a family, cheating, living a lie, etc.) I'm not sure, if I would let my child go, either...to be honest. Do you think she could be a danger to your daughter, not supervise, be irresponsible? If not, I'm not sure you have the grounds, to keep her from going...other then personal disgust. (which I'm not sure, is reason enough) Is your daughter uncomfortable with going? Talk to her about it and see how she feels. Maybe, you to could come to a conclusion together. I'm sorry, that I couldn't have been more help!

I wouldn't penalize the daughter for what the mother has done. The daughter has probably had a terribly rough time through all of this. But the key thing here is this: What does your daughter want to do? If she doesn't want to go, then your decision is made for you. She can tell her friend that she's sorry she can't make it, but she sure does wish her a happy birthday. If this is her best friend and she feels bad about it, she could always offer to take her to lunch sometime to celebrate her bday if she can't come to the party. Or if your daughter just isn't comfortable spending the night, she could drop by and hang out for awhile, and then tell her (ahead of time) that she isn't able to stay, but I'd let it be your daughter's decision because, at age 14, the party truly is in honor of the teen, not the mom, so that's who you'd be punishing by not allowing your daughter to attend. (If it were a 2-year-old's party, the 2-year-old won't know who's there and who's not, so those parties are really for the whole family, and it's a different story. But in this case, I'd consider the kids involved first, as long as you don't have a reason to believe that the situation is dangerous--like if you think the mom's drinking could be a problem.)

My daughter just left her 13 year and 10 year old daughters and husband for another woman. I keep trying to tell her, her daughters will loose friends over this. I do not want my own grandaughters' at a place my daughter will be sleeping with another woman.