14 Year Old Daughter Will Not Eat in New House.

What do you mean she "won't" go to a Dr.? If she has an issue this extreme, you bring her to a Dr.! She is 14. She is not in charge, you are. You need to step up and teach her how to make responsible decisions, not be an enabler. She has you wrapped around her finger and is getting her way. That is not to say she does not need more help to work through her issues, but if that is the case, she has to see someone to work through her problems. Just tell her you are going to provide her with a variety of healty options that the rest of the family eats, if she wants to go outside and eat, she can, but other than that, she needs to learn to work through this issue.

Get an old fridge from Craigstlist. Place it in the garage or back porch. Store her food in there. Set up a table and chairs, where she can eat.

If you do not have a mental illness, you will NEVER understand. Something that seems so simple to do such as eating may not be as easy for her, especially if she is OCD!! Seek help soon, you are the parent & she is young and doesn't understand that this is affecting the family. Her behavior will continue to get worse over time.

I wasn't going to touch this one - I am afraid I will come off as rude - but I can't help myself here.

You are being played. Let me quote you -
She 'warned' us
She will not take
she still will not
We must take her out
She will not accept

Your daughter is in complete control of the entire household.

Mild OCD does not cause this behavior. A willful teenager plus parents who cave to her demands causes this behavior.

Stop taking her out to eat.
Prepare dinner
Offer it to her
Let he take her plate wherever she wants to eat - be it in the house, in the garage, on the lawn, or up in a tree.

If she decides not to eat for a night, so be it.

BUT - explain to her that if her refusal to eat goes on for more than a couple of days, to the point where it will be detrimental to her health, that you will take her to the hospital for admittance and treatment. Because if she has become that determined to not eat, then there is more of a problem than just a manipulative, stubborn teen, and weak parents.

As for the medication- same thing. My son does not always want to take his anti-depressant. My son needs his anti-depressant. So I hand him a pill and stand there until it is gone and swallowed. He is 16, larger than me, but he will take his medicine. Why? Because I am the parent.

You need to step up and parent your daughter now.

You would cry to know how many parents of 18yos wish they could get their children the help they need.

"You will come to each doctors appointment willingly & nicely & respectfully... Or I will have you cuffed and admitted inpatient in the hospital against your will. Its your choice whether you get to walk in on your own to feet, or be carried like a baby. Either you're playing me or you need help. I'm your mum, and I believe you're not playing me, so you need help. Will be grown up & accept that help, or do I have to force it on you?"

Anorexia / ED, OCD, etc. is no joke.

Either she's playing you OR she needs help.

You are in a very limited window of time where you actually can help.

Sounds like she is trying to "punish" you for going through with the move. She is doing so by refusing to eat, one of the few arenas children/ teens can really exert control. Speak with whomever gave the OCD diagnosis.

Meanwhile, consider getting a picnic table and a heat lamp, and have her eat her food on the back patio/ porch. It might be an acceptable compromise. She doesn't eat in the house. You don't take her out several times daily.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I would assume if you don't take her out to eat eventurally she will get hungry enough to eat. You are letting her control the situation. If letting her go without a day does not work then you need to take her to see someone. And don't let her decide she will or wont go. You are the parent. I am not trying to be mean but it really sounds like she's in control!!!

I would ask her therapist about the possibility of an eating disorder as well. If she will not eat IN the house, you said the weather is getting better. Let her eat on the porch. Get a chair and a table and serve her out there, and skip the expensive outings.

IMO, it sounds like a control thing, one way or another. Either controlling her environment (because she could not control the move) or controlling food or both. She "warned" you makes it sound like a threat. She threw down a gauntlet. Time to get your meal times back.

I definitely think you need to revisit this with a therapist that specializes in adolescents. I think this is much more than eating at the house.

Well, she certainly has you wrapped around her self-imposed drama, doesn't she. You need to fix your regular food and let her decide if she is hungry or not. Tell her that you are tired of going out to eat and you're staying home. Tell her that she can fix her own food if she doesn't like yours. She can put food on the plate and go outside and eat if she doesn't want to eat in the house. And then just stop talking about it. Sit down and eat and then go watch TV. Ignore her. Eventually she will stop this ridiculousness when you are no longer trying to cajol her into eating, and she will eat.

This whole thing is ridiculous. You don't let a 14 year old rule your house like this. If you had ignored her in the first place, you wouldn't have this going on for 6 months.

Life outside your family in a few short years will be a rude awakening for your daughter if you don't show her that she doesn't get to act like this, dad. Enough is enough. If she decides to "starve herself" by never eating again, then put her in the car and take her to the hospital. She'll find out that she doesn't like having needles stuck in her, IV's, and medical procedures.

Dawn

Since she has been diagnosed with OCD speak to her doctor about it and start treatment .... not getting appropriate treatment AND letting her OCD dictate your and her life is neither helpful nor healthy. Your DD is a teenager and will soon be an adult. Teach her to take care of her mental health and not let her condition ruin everybody's experience.
It is time to put your foot down and step up as a parent.

She is diagnosed with OCD (its "mildness" is totally irrelevant here).

She is ruling the household.

She is refusing meds.

Is she in ANY form of behavioral therapy to work on her OCD? I'm guessing the answer is no, because she already is allowed to refuse meds and allowed to refuse to eat except 100 percent on her terms.

It's hard to tell here where the OCD is at work and where she may be doing this on purpose for power and to manipulate you.

You're asking for tricks to make her eat at home. Well, you can do the "we no longer go out, here is the food or go hungry" thing; it's worth a try because if this is about her controlling you and running the family her way, she will eventually break. But if she is on the verge of an eating disorder, or if this is the OCD, she will probably not eat -- and she'll get worse and make some other outrageous demand or find another "problem" with the house, etc.

Rather than seeking tips on getting her to eat, it's time to seek out a doctor who is going to be tough with her -- and with you. You need behavioral therapy and meds and she doesn't get an option to say no. Someone posted that you should get her to an in-patient treatment facility. That looks like where this is headed if she persists. Please stop caviing in to her and start being the parent. Yes, parents feed their kids so you want her to eat anything to keep her going, but have you lost the bigger picture that she is either manipulating you or is very very sick -- or both? Get a doctor, make her go, stop letting her make her own choices on meds and food.

Those responders saying you need to tell her to "get over it" or just wait until she "is hungry enough" don't understand eating disorders or mental illness.

She does need a doctor, however, and you as a parent of a 14 year-old can force her to get medical help for a medical issue. We don't allow a 14 year-old to say no to a medical or dental doctor, so she also can't decide not to go to a mental health practitioner.

Added: Those of you who say children don't starve themselves to death are, again, unaware of the tragic results of eating disorders. Children/teenagers can and DO starve themselves to death. As a long-term sufferer of an eating disorder, please insist she accept help in dealing with this. (And thanks, Riley J., for your clear and direct perspective.)

Here are some stats:
Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental illness
A study by the National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders reported that 5 – 10% of anorexics die within 10 years after contracting the disease; 18-20% of anorexics will be dead after 20 years and only 30 – 40% ever fully recover
The mortality rate associated with anorexia nervosa is 12 times higher than the death rate of ALL causes of death for females 15 – 24 years old.
20% of people suffering from anorexia will prematurely die from complications related to their eating disorder, including suicide and heart problems
Anorexia is the 3rd most common chronic illness among adolescents
95% of those who have eating disorders are between the ages of 12 and 25

So what does he doctor say to do? Especially since she will not or cannot take her medications?

If it is an eating disorder..
If she does not want to help herself, then the next step is to place her in a eating disorder clinic.. They are all over the United States. If a doctor recommends it, I wonder if your insurance will cover it?

Usually this type of behavior is a control issue. Associated with a mental illness, Depression.. OCD.. Bipolar..She feels out of control for a reason. it does not mean it is you as a parent.

If your daughter had Cancer, you would take her to doctor after doctor to find her help. This is the time to figure this out until you find a solution..

I am sending you strength.

Please understand I am not trying to be mean but...

Who is the parent here? Who is the adult? Who is in charge? It sounds as though your daughter is the person in charge.

You are not doing yor children any favors by not insisting that they at least taste all foods. Whether or not they think they don't like them. I fought the food battle with my kids years ago, they were convinced veggies and fruit were not 'good'. I made them at least taste everything and they learned to eat whatever was put in front of them with very few exceptions.

I recommend family counseling. As parents you need to learn to be firm with your children and be the people in charge and your children need to understrand that when parents 'make' them do things they don't want to the parents are not being mean but teaching them to become responsibile adults.

No more restaurants. You're rewarding her for being difficult. I'd prepare her food and if she couldn't stand to eat it inside, send her outside to the patio.

Mild OCD, in my opinion, doesn't make sense in why she won't eat. I agree that she needs treatment, but I also think she's being stubborn. Restaurants are filthy, both in the dining room are and in the kitchens.

She's 14, not 7. Take her to her doctor and talk about it with her right there. It's easy to be difficult with your parents, but on some level she has to know that what she is doing is ridiculous and will not be allowed to continue. Let her explain it to the doctor, let her sit there and feel embarrassed, like a stubborn child. Sitting in a room discussing it with a doctor might be the kick she needs to work it out.

I suspect it's a control thing. She's trying to control you and you're letting her. Just stop, tell her it won't be allowed to continue and if she chooses to starve herself because she doesn't want to eat inside your home, she can go to the ER and get a feeding tube put in when she passes out. No more dining out - it's bad for your wallet and it's bad for your health.

Based on her age, I tend to think she's playing you just to get the fast food. Of course, it's quite possible that she has some serious issues that need to be dealt with. I find it hard to believe that they appeared out of nowhere and coincide right with moving into the new house.

You're letting her dictate her medical treatments, even though it's most likely to her detriment? I think I'd find a way to make her be on board.

Why can't she just eat at a picnic table outside? Is it possible this is all for attention? I don't know... it all sounds so confusing. Good luck to you.

I had a close friend in high school who developed very severe anorexia and nearly died. One of her first food "controls" was to refuse to eat food that was not prepared in her home. We went on a week long school trip and she brought a bag of food with her, would not eat a single bite of anything else, not candy, not ice cream, nothing. She was not being dramatic or difficult, she had a very serious mental health problem. I remember her crying in my room, telling me how she wished she could just be normal and eat pizza with the rest of us. How she thought she must be crazy.

Sure, maybe your daughter is being a dramatic teenager. I just think that could be a dangerous assumption to make. You know your daughter. Is she refusing to eat in the house to be a brat? If so, lay down the law, let her "starve" for a day until she caves and eats with the family. If not, please look into this behavior more deeply.

Seriously, stop taking her out for fast food, and get her to the doctor ASAP. She is either controlling you or has a psychological/psychiatric problem, you need to find out which it is. Fix meals and send her to the car to eat, (and not "snack" food, real food,) call her bluff.

As far as medication she will not or is "unable" to take, talk to her doctor. I have a sister (in her 50's) who is bi-polar and "forgets" to take her meds daily, her therapist sent her to a psychiatrist to find out why, she refused to talk to him. They have offered an injection she gets once a month, she has to decide this week if she will comply. My point being, there's options to get around pills and bad tasting meds.

Be the parent, your daughter needs your help.

oh wow! she got you good. perhaps not but i am not one to cater to peoples issues. I am shocked litterly my jaw dropped when you mentioned that your going out to eat all the time. my first thought was ok she wont eat in the house so she is eating on the porch. Really its ok to set up a little table and chair for her to dine outside. or in the garage with a space heater. on the food you made for the family. i would not allow her to dine out all the time. not only could we not afford it i am all about overcoming your fears or working with them not altering everyone else to accept your issues. including my own. she is 14 its a great time to learn a life skill of cooking for the family or herself.

we had family living in our room and they did not bathe! i know discusting you can imagine the room they stayed in smelled like body nasty odor. we opened a box of baking soda, and sprinkled it in the carpet. it help alot. also washing everything that could be washed. idk a few baking soda boxes opened might help.

A psychiatrist would be my suggestion and very soon.

I have no experience with OCD, so perhaps I am wrong, but I am a little confused about why you seem to be giving your daughter so much power. Why does a 14-year-old get to decide "no doctors"? I understand you don't want to force feed her, and I agree entirely. But I do think you need to put your foot down about her getting treatment and sticking with it. It sounds like she has a lot of control in areas you as a parent should be making decisions about. Maybe a good therapist can help you figure out how to set boundaries and stick to them with her.

I wouldn't be catering to her desires and this game by taking her to fast food places when she can very well eat at home.... she just doesn't want to and she's pulling a power play. Right now she's winning.... she is calling the shots in your family...

I'd put a big STOP to that. When she is hungry, she will eat. Put a table outside for her to use.

I do think a psychological check up might be useful. Let her know you mean business.

ugh stop taking her places. children will not let themselves starve. i would tell her plain and simple this is what i need you to do and if you dont this is what will happen. shes 14 not an adult and does not get to say how things go down in your house. have her evaluated.

I agree with the suggestion for psychiatrist. This cannot go on! It doesn't matter if she accepts any of your ideas or not, you can't cater to her forever.

Is it possible that she is trying to "punish" you for moving the family into a new home?

*** Edit. Hey, Fanged Bunny beat me to the punch! I highly agree! :)

Wow does she have you trained lol. Stop taking her out. The s same way the pediatrician said the toddler will eat if he is hungry your teen will eat if she is hungry. Provide food in the house and let her be hungry for a day. She will eat.

Your daughter is very lucky to have a parent who would even consider a psychological issue before just yelling the pants off of their kid to "get over it".

It's one thing if she has OCD and cannot eat in the house. It's another if she won't get help for it, or won't try to implement strategies to deal with it. Maybe you can go to a therapist without her, to at least get some suggestions about ground rules and support. I see a developmental therapist a couple times a month for my daughter. She still tries to have things her way, but I know I am giving her reasonable accommodations within her ability. This leaves little excuse for her to cop out of being a member of our household.

Good luck!

Well stop taking her out eventually she will eat at home! Hello! Ignore her whinning and complaining. Tell her here is what there is to eat at HOME, take or leave it! Eventually after she is done with the drama she will take it!

First of all, stop playing into her tantrum. She is mad you made her move and this is her way of acting out. Why would she change the behavior when she is getting rewarded for it by you taking her out to fast food, a teen favorite. I would tell her you are done playing her game and she will either eat with the family at the table like a civilized being, or she can sit at the table while you all eat (because she is still part of the family) and simply go hungry.

If it were my kid, she wouldn't be taken out several times a day to fast food places. If she doesn't eat at home, she doesn't eat. Trust me, she'll eventually start eating because she won't let herself starve.

Start with seeing a doctor for her nutritional needs. They may want to do a blood draw and some panels to see how she is doing, healthwise.

This might begin to clue her into how bad this has become.

She also needs to see a psychiatrist or therapist ASAP. Like months ago. You also need to have a family counselor helping you as parents and giving you support in creating healthy boundaries and meeting whatever needs are coming up for her.

If she is refusing medication, what Riley says is correct. She needs to be in some sort of treatment facility. I'd be fighting for my child's life, whether or not they were happy about it or agreed to it. If my child needed daily injections to get them their medication, so be it. I would do it. I am the parent and their life is in my hands.

Her life is in your hands. Get help today. I have a sibling who has had horrible eating/mental health issues which she has only half-addressed. Believe me, she's a miserable wreck part of the time and this started in her teens. She just turned 40 and still is dealing with this. Don't put this off-- it's not going to get fixed on its own.

I can't handle certain smells and some smells cause my daughter to literally gag to the point of throwing up (can't pinpoint to "what" it is but I know it when I smell it) so I can certainly understand her having an issue w/ a smell but she's clearly able to handle the smell if she is living in the home.

I agree it sounds like a control thing and/or possibly an eating disorder of some kind.

Stop taking her out for food...you are buying groceries and cooking meals, right? She's choosing to not eat in the house (afterall she warned you, right?) Give her her meals and let her eat (if she is truly having a problem eating in the house...like my daughter's gagging for example, then let her take it to the porch or to the car if necessary). Is that really practical when/if the weather is bad? Maybe when she is inconvenienced by taking her meals outside in the cold or heat and/or rain or snow she will decide "maybe I should eat in the house".

Now, if the smell is THAT bad that is does cause one or more of you to gag or feel sick then maybe moving was a poor idea.

"we must take her out several times daily"

Sorry, but I don't think you're the boss in your house. Are you sure your daughter didn't get on daughterapedia and ask how to manipulate her parents? If she didn't, she needs to write a book - she's really good!
__________________________________________
Now I see - Welcome to Mamapedia!

Put a picnic table outside and she can eat there.
You should be able to store food in the house (fridge/cupboards/pantry/etc).
She just said she would not eat in the house.
Does she eat at school?
She's got 4 more years till she's an adult.
If she hates the house that much then she needs to come up with her exit plan - get good grades so she can get a good job so she can get her own apartment.
Your only other alternatives is to move (not practical) or have her live with someone else.
Would she really starve herself?
If yes - then she really does need a psychiatrist.
If no - then stop catering to her - she'll eat when she's hungry enough.
The longer this goes on, the harder it will be to turn it around.

You've been in the house for 6 months and she's never ate or drank anything inside? She can sleep in the house and the smell doesn't stop her from doing that, huh? Then she can eat in the house too. She's being a rebellious teenager, I'm not a doctor, but I don't see any eating disorder here, just strong will. (My sister did have an eating disorder.)

I personally, wouldn't cater to her the way you all have been. I too, believe if she's hungry enough she'll eat in the house. What's her favorite food, if you cook it and everyone eats it, she will literally not eat because it's in the house. The first time I saw her eat or drink in the house, it would be over, she doesn't have anything more to stand on, even if it was a candy bar, cookie, ice cream, drink of water or soda. When she said she was hungry, I'd show her the kitchen and say "help yourself", I would not be going out to eat just for her. Maybe treat her every once in awhile, but not daily or several times a day.

Good Luck,

I think she needs some psychiatric assistance, for starters. Secondly, quit taking her out for fast food. Never mind expensive and inconvenient, it is very unhealthy and if she's eating like that on a daily basis, you are not providing her with appropriate nutrition. Let her bring her food outside and sit on the stoop to eat. She doesn't need snacks. She can eat the meals cooked at home while sitting outside. She can bring yogurts, fruits, salad, cheese, sandwiches, etc if her anxiety is such that she can't even eat foods cooked in the house outside. I would also supplement her with Ensure. If pills and liquid meds don't work for her, maybe the doctor can give her shots instead, or a patch.

heh.
no way would this be my problem.
i'd prepare meals, and let her carry them outside if she so desires.
i do not cater to unreasonable demands.
khairete
S.

Could she eat at a table in the backyard? I get that this is a legitimate psych problem, but I would not pander to her by taking her out to restaurants multiple times a day.

I have a son, who has allergies as well, and food is a big issue in our house with him. He will not eat what I cook, lots of times. We used to buy certain things for him, to make sure he had stuff to eat. Then one day, the light turned on. We stopped buying all that other stuff. I told him if he couldn't, or wouldn't, eat what I cooked for supper, then he would go hungry, cook something for himself, or eat what I made. Lots of times he eats with us now, or if I do cook something that I KNOW he can't eat, I cook him something else. Sometimes you just have to draw the line in the sand.

Eating disorders are about control and can be serious issues. You need medical help here to create a plan and provide backup if/when it is needed. (She may need to be hospitalized if she refuses to eat after you stop fast food restaurants.) Start by contacting her doctor to get referrals. You are the parent and it is your responsibility to get care for her whether or not she likes it.

I didn't read all of the responses. I stopped after Lesley B.'s because she hit the nail on the head! Read her response and follow her advice. Who's in charge here? Provide food for her at home. If she wants to eat it outside in the yard, let her. There will come a point where she decides she can eat in the house afterall. Stop letting yourself be played like a fiddle!

She needs to see a therapist, whether she wants to or not, just TAKE HER.
My daughter has anxiety which at one point affected her eating tremendously. Her issues had to do with germs and sickness and it was severe, she got to a state where she ate nothing but bread and would barely drink anything, even water, for fear of throwing up. It took many months of therapy but she is much better now (she was 12 at the time, is almost 14 now.)
In the meantime stop the fast food, no one should eat that all the time, especially a growing girl. Keep a cooler on the porch or out back and fill it with sandwich stuff, yogurt, fruit, etc. That way she can eat "outside the house" without loading up on junk.

I understand this problem. I am moving too and I won't eat anything cooked or stored in this house. I feel dirty in the kitchen due to so many years of ants and stuff crawling around....gross. I just feel them sitting there crawling over the food even though I know they haven't visited yet this year. I just want to be moved by that time so I don't have to deal with it.

I do agree that she needs to deal with this. Therapy is needed and you know that. She needs to work through her issues with a professional. She also needs to take medication if it's needed. If not for living purposes then she does't have to take it unless she wants to.

Have her clean the kitchen. Have her crawl around inside the cabinets, around the base boards, deep clean to the max. Then have her verbalize what is going on in her mind. Is it still dirty? Is there some other smell? What is her reasoning then? Go on from that point.

Prepare her food and send her to the back yard to eat it.

You do not, nor should you, "take her out several times daily for food." First, she doesn't need to eat "several times" per day. And have you counted the number of calories you are endulging her with at each of these fast food meals? If she's not obese now, she will be and her skin will be a mess!

If she were my child and refused to eat in the house, I'd give her a plate and tell her to eat on the front porch or the lawn or some other place in the yard. Do you have a backyard with patio furniture? Perfect for eating. I would also quit carrying food around with you in the car.

If she couldn't find someplace "suitable" to eat on the property, then she'd be a very hungry girl because there is NO WAY I would take my child out for fast food every day even once let alone multiple times!

As for Riley's answer, you have no grounds to have her involuntarily handcuffed and admitted as an in-patient at any facility. Sorry, but admission to the hospital is not at the parents' discretion. You can't force her to do anything - eat, go to the doctor, nothing. You can provide food and hope she eats, but that's about it. This is her choice. She can eat inside; she can eat outside; she can choose not to eat but if she does that, mark my words that as soon as she is out of your sight, she IS eating. This game is definitely for your benefit!

great first question!

Where did you all live before the move? Was she involved with a lot of friends and now misses them?

Something went wrong and now she is protesting by not eating. Well life is a bit*h but you have to eat or you die. Get her into therapy and perhaps the whole family.

Her ruling the roost is having a financial impact on how things are done with the remaining members. Tell her that you guys can no longer go out to eat daily and fix the meals at home.

Good luck to you. Please keep us posted.

the other S.

PS She may need to be placed in hospital to find out what is really going on in her head and why she is acting this way.

Sounds like you've already made it worse by taking her to fast food places. As long as you keep doing it, she'll keep eating there instead of home.

She'll eat when she's hungry enough. I wouldn't take her to any more fast food places and she'd just have to eat what's there. It'll be hard but stick to it. Don't cater to this, you're setting up yourself and her up for much bigger problems.

Tell her you've done everything to the house you could possibly do. This is just a mind set with her. She has to get it out of her mind. Work with her from this level. She has to replace her fears and mental stagnation with positive images/thoughts. Don't let this become ingrained or it will be very hard to get rid of and change.

If it were my child (and I know it's not) I'd keep working with her firmly but as gently as possible. But I'd let her know this is not healthy and won't be allowed. The fast food is awful and will create all sorts of health problems and her mind is controlling her and for her own sake I wouldn't let her do this to herself. She's worth more than this. She deserves to be healthy, body and mind. If things got real bad where she wouldn't work on it, I'd tell her she can take her meals in the fresh air outside.

It'll take some time but find a way. Make up a plan you can both work with, help her to help herself. She has to come at this from a mental/psychological/emotional place. She has to be stronger than her ideas about the smell.

She needs to see a psychiatrist. I don't think this is about food or the house.

Find a naturopathic doctor. If you have tried everything else - and she won't see an MD or PhD, then try an ND. No, not covered by insurance, but submit the bill to insurance anyway.

Homeopathy may have a more clear path for her than anyone else.

And...her mild OCD may have hit the beginnings of puberty...which may give it a kickstart.

and...sometimes kids sense things you weren't told about the new house...she may have a 'feeling' that just doesn't go away with a candle because deep down the smell is still there.

Our house smells like cigarette smoke on damp days. Nothing has truly gotten rid of it.

Edit: and thinking of something else - you may not be religious but you may find respite in planning and pulling together a cleansing of the house, a house blessing. She may have some sense of release in planning this with the person, too.

Good luck!
M.

Maybe you should take her into a few fast food kitchens, and see if she doesn't change her mind after seeing them. Most of them are pretty nasty.

I think the idea of having her clean the kitchen to her satisfaction is a good one. It's very unhealthy for her to keep eating McDonald's etc.,although I do like their oatmeal.

If she has OCD, I don't think taking a hard line is a good idea, but I think showing her fast food kitchens and appealing to her reasoning might work better.