14 Yr Old Daughter's Best Friends Family Has Different Values - How to Approach?

I had friends in high school from all walks of life. Some were from some way permissive families, some were super religious, some were very strict (and a few of those had kids who'd sneak behind their parents backs drinking, drugs, sex, etc - parents never had a clue or just looked the other way). Teenagers start seeing and comparing how others live and they begin deciding how they want to be. They see what works, and eventually see what doesn't work. And a lot of the time, by the time they get into their mid 20's they usually pick lives that are not too far from how they were raised.
I wouldn't stop your daughter from seeing her friend, and it's great they spend more time at your house. Teens still want some boundaries, though it's tough to figure where the exact line is sometimes. Talk to your daughter about why you think sleeping over boy friends/ girl friends is a bad idea (just so she's clear you'd not allow such a thing). Your house, your rules is very easy to understand. And absolutely do everything you can to have them at your house as much as possible. There's absolutely nothing wrong with old fashioned. And who knows? Maybe your view will rub off a little on your daughters friend in the long run.

Here is the thing, your daughter is 14. This is the age were we start making our own sense of the world and you may come to find that her values will agree with yours or they might differ.
It sounds like you have done a great job raising her so far and if you keep an open communication with her and keep emphazising what you believe in, I am sure she will come out just fine.

This is a diverse country and unless you move into the middle of nowehere, lock her up and toss out the TV and the computer, she will be confronted by people with other value systems than yours. It is a normal process of growing up.

As for this relationship, I think you have two options. You can tell her to cut contact with the friend whom you not approve of, which makes the other party and their life even more insteresting for any 14 year old.
Or you can continue to talk to your daughter about what your expectations are of her and what your value system is and put faith in that she has developed into a teenager that you can trust.

You cannot however tell another family how to live their lives and you can not expect that it's ok for you to teach their daughter about your values, but not ok for your daughter to learn about theirs.

Difficult situation, but if I were you, I would tread lightly and not make a mountain out of a molehill - it's a pretty volatile age and teenagers have a very strong sense of fairness and friendship. If they perceive your treatmet of a friend to be unfair, you might find your relationship with your daughter in a whole lot of turmoil - try to channel the teenager in yourself and think back to that time....

Don't stop her from seeing her friend or going there. That will only make things worse! Just reiterate often what you expect of her and what your house rules and beliefs are. I wouldn't talk to the mom. She has her house rules and you have yours. I cannot imagine anything but resentment from her if you say anything. Tell your daughter you don't approve of the brother and his girlfriend getting to sleep together at the friend's house or of all the drinking, but that every family and everyone is different, so you just have to learn how to be yourself and be true to your beliefs as you go through the world. You can always love and be friends with people who have different ideas and beliefs than you. You don't have to change your views and they don't need to change theirs. Republicans and Democrats, Christians and Atheists -there are lots of people out there who are friends with very different beliefs.

We have similar values as you. If it were my daughter, I wouldn't let her sleep over there at all or spend much time there anymore. If your daughter complains, just tell her that while they may be good people, the values are different and you don't feel comfortable with her being around that.

I also had a lot of bad things happen to me at a friend's house, by the parents no less who allowed it all to happen and encouraged it. We don't have to be judgmental of a who a person is, but we have to learn to weigh certain things and make a practical judgment on what we consider safe environments for our kids. One reason why I plan on having my kids friends at our home all the time! To provide snacks, games, a hang out space, and somewhere they can feel safe and unpressured as well.

Continue raising your daughter the way you have been. She will have to decide for herself the way which she will go when she is older, but no matter what she does, still love and approve of her. I find that a lot of kids who make poor choices, often end up coming around as they age.

Also, we weren't allowed to date until we were 16... and it was group dating. We weren't allowed to single date until we were 18. And then, exclusive dating was frowned upon.

The point of dating is to have fun and get to know different people. Not to fall in love and fantasize about being together all the time at such a young age!

We also were very strict with what we wear. This is a good little lesson on this topic:
http://lds.about.com/cs/basicbeliefs/a/modesty.htm

These are the guidelines we had to follow, and were even encouraged to carry this little booklet in our wallets as reminders that we had more value as a person when we aren't giving in to peer pressure and such. You can click on the topic to see that particular page:

http://lds.org/pa/display/0,17884,6924-1,00.html

A good friend wouldn't push someone to lower their standards.

I don't think you need to address this in a formal discussion. Your daughter has shared with you what goes on in the other home, which is wonderful! You have raised her with your ethics and morals and now need to trust that she will apply those in other situations (sounds like she has). I would stick to your "rules and expectations", but don't put them onto another person's child. You also can't ask another parent to adjust their lifestyle to meet your standards. It's presumptive and implies (to your daughter) that your daughter cannot be trusted to make wise decisions.

As for the dating thing... keep that conversation open. If your daughter has someone she is interested in, she needs to be able to approach you about it b/c if she wants to "date", she will- the question is whether or not you will know about it!

Growing-up, I would describe my parents' style as "realistically conservative". The dating "rule" in our house was that whoever the boy was, he had to come over for dinner before we were allowed to go anywhere together. If he was a good kid, then he didn't have an issue with this request. The "not-so-good" kids would be difficult about it and we weren't allowed to date that person.

For "formals" and parties, if we wanted my parents to pay for the dress, then my mom went shopping with us and "approved" what we wore. If we didn't want their opinion, then we had to save the money and find a ride, make arrangements for alterations, whatever.

We had curfews and consequences. My parents were considered "strict" by others' standards, but the irony was that my friends in HS prefered to stay at our house after events b/c my parents would wait-up and talk to us about the party and have food out... at midnight when we were expected to be home!

By not making "absolutes" that were based on a fear of what "might" happen, they kept the dialogues open and were very involved in our lives (still are). We learned to make good decisions and live with the consequences of poor choices.

It sounds like you have been setting a good example for your daughter already, dont think that she doesnt already know how you feel. I suggest staying strict on the dating thing, 16 was the age my mom allowed me to finally go out on actual dates. I had friends in high school that go to do many things that I couldnt do. Occasionally, when spending the night I would indulge with them but always, ALWAYS felt pretty guilty and paranoid because I knew it was something my parents would not have approved of.... so that there took a lot of the fun out of it.
Do not tell your daughter that you dont like how her daughters friends household is run..... that will cause a huge wedge. Just keep your current rules in place and expect her to follow them and dont waiver.
The lord will see you through it all and will keep her in his hands when she experiments.
It's the decade of cell phones, and dont be afraid to ever call her or text her asking her "what are you doing right now?".... and expect her to answer each and every time.

I don't think you are "hopelessly old fashioned" I was not allowed to date untill I was 16 but I could go somewhere like the movies with a boy as long as we were in a group of friends and my mom drove me there and home, sometimes checked to make sure i was there! My parents were pretty strict. I hated it at the time BUT now i see a lot of my old H.S. friends with children they had in school because their parents let them do stuff i wasnt allowed to do, and they didn't finish H.S. are single moms and in places i am glad i am not. My daughter is 7 but I know I will raise her like i was raised. Knowing how the kids are today i am scared to death. My daughter's best friend also has different values than we do. I limit her time with her and always talk to her about what she see's and hears from her friend and what is acceptable in our family and not acceptable. I have already talkedto her about drugs and sex (yeah i know but she heard it from her friend and asked) I prefer to be open and honest with her now hoping she will come to me with problems and questions when she gets older. I try to have her friend here more than she is over there. Raising children these days is scary because of the influences of others but i just try to keep the lines of communication open even at this age.

You're not "hopelessly oldfashioned" by any means! I wish MORE parents were like you! There definitly is a dire need for more conservativism in our society. You are correct to be concerned, I would be as well. This is a tuffy b/c this is your daughter's best friend. What I'd do, if it were me, is just sit down w/daughter & ask her, "hey I was just wanted to sit & talk w/you a minute, I was just wondering if you really liked 'sally sue' as a friend, how does it make you feel when you go to their house & see different behaviors than what we have here?..." and wait for a response & go from there. Just let her know that while you can give her guidence & help her make the right decisions & it's ultimately her choice how to behave, you would hope that she would stop & think before any behavioral changes are made & how they may reflect on her later. Hope this helps & by all means, don't think that you're oldfashioned, you're right on the money!

The number one thing is being willing to talk to our kids about our beliefs and why we believe them b/c the world definitely would have us not have these discussions on the bases of not judging others. Ignore all the people who said that you already sound judgmental! It's simple incorrect to believe that anyone living morally is a judgment or condemnation of others. I understand that it's hard to separate teaching your beliefs without coming across as seeming judgmental, but it doesn't sound like you are in this family's face trying to tell them that you think they're wrong. No matter what, teaching what you believe is right will probably seem judgmental to people who disagree with it being wrong. If others feel judged, b/c you live differently, that's their problem to deal with b/c you are responsible for raising your daughter and teaching her right and wrong. This is a perfect opportunity to talk with your daughter about agency (the right to decide your actions for yourself) and choice and accountable (the consequences good or bad of our choices) so try to focus on this being a teaching opportunity. The fact that she talks to you about what goes on over there is great and sounds like you'll have an easy time working these discussions into the conversations that you are already having. I don't think I would forbid her from going to this friends house, but I would try to limit it by going out of my way to invite the other girl to things at your house. Good luck to you momma.

I am having the same problems with my soon to be 15 year old, she is always telling me about the friends at school who have boyfriends, belly button piercings, etc...

My answer to her is always "I don't care about anyone else at that school, I only care about you, and YOU are too young!"

This past weekend, she gave us a compelling arguement that she is ready to have a "boyfriend". The boy she likes is the son of the fire sheriff and I know several people who know him as well... he seems like a pretty great kid, he volunteers at the firehouse, and seems to have a pretty good homelife and gets along with his sisblings. So I told her if her dad and I met him first, that they could spend some time together this weekend. I am scared to death, but I have to trust that I have given her all the information she needs to make the right choices.... I can't always be there to stop her, I just hope the things I have said to her in the past will be enough to really make her think about her options before acting on impulses.

I think you have done a wonderful job so far of raising your daughter, but we all have to make the sacrifice at some point of tletting them sink or swim, and hoping they grab the lifevests we throw their way in the process.

Good luck to you with your situation, I would basically let her know that if she feels uncomfortable with anything going on at the other house, she can always "get a headache" and call you for a way home. that way she doesn't feel like she has to stay there when something doesn't seem right to her.

You lead by example. You are doing just what you are supposed to be doing. Your kids are going to be exposed to many outside influences at this age and you are there to guide them. Feel free to tell your daughter you don't agree with the other family's values but try to do so in a way that is not overly critical of the other family because she may end up feeling she has to defend them. There comes a point where we have to hold our breath and hope our children have learned what we as parents have tried to teach them all these years. Sounds like you are doing a wonderful job.

I have found that by 14 (I have LOTS of neices/nephews) what you have taught them is either going to stick or it is not. Personally, I would give your daughter the opportunity to prove to you she has taken in all of your guidance and can apply it to the real world. I look at high school as practice for adulthood and real life, if you can stick to what you belive there then you can do it when you are on your own. Be glad she tells you the interesting things the other mother tells you and ask her what she thinks about it w/out jumping into what you think. This is a WONDERFUL opportunity to LEARN and TEST, life is trial and error more so than many think, even with a book as your guide.

I was just having this conversation with my husband the other night. When he was a teenager he started down a very wrong path and got into a lot of bad stuff over the years. He determined that it all started with one friend, his best friend!
Not that he's blaming this boy for his actions, but we were discussing how to protect our children from doing the same thing. He said if only his parents had done something, restricted there friendship at least a little he wouldn't have done any of those terrible things.
My advice to you is to not let your daughter go to that girls house again, ever! Explain to your daughter that their family's views and actions are not what you find to be appropriate for you and that she is welcome here, but you are not welcome there. (unless its a birthday party with you present)
Do lot allow overnight visits at all. Things happen at overnights. This is the age of sexual experimentation. You don't want your daughter getting sexually abused or dabbling in homosexuality because the temptation presented itself.
Don't completely take the friend away, but limit the exposure to an uncomfortable level. Have many talks with your daughter about how important picking the right friends is. And please don't worry about sounding judgmental! We Christians tend to pick on each other about being judgmental, but we miss the part about staying away from sin.
You are your daughter's protector. Pray for her, and do everything you can to keep her safe. If she gets too close to fire, she will get burned. This friend's family is fire!

One day my children are going to wind up having close relationships with other children whose families don't necessarily share our values and visa versa. Right now most of their friends are the children of my very close friends. Eventually they will be immersed in attitudes/ideologies/believe systems which I fundamentally disagree with. Someday, my kids might have a best friend whose family is entirely homophobic or racist, for example. Or, as a separate example, their best friend's family will be conservative Christians and will be uncomfortable with our being not Christian.

I raise my children very deliberately. I am sure you and your family do as well. I think the great majority of us are raising our children with love, focus, and a great deal of thought. We all want what is best for our children - we might differ on what that looks like though. So I understand your question (and have thought about it in reverse) even though my perspective is different. I think it's really appropriate to speak to the parents regarding curfew, permitted activities, transportation, etc. I would always respect another parents wishes. I would hope another family would respect my boundaries as well. I think it gets much trickier when asking about values. I think we can share what we value with our children and lead by example. We can open up the door to conversations so that they feel comfortable asking us questions and prodding deeper into who they are and what they believe. We can make it safe for them to talk to us and we can help guide them in a way that feels right for us.

Teenagers will question what they've learnt and been taught. That process is very important because it enables them to think critically and and own their values and beliefs. At a certain point we stop believing in something just because our parents did and we get to form what we believe for ourselves. Often times that ends up being what our parents believed, but because we got to go through it ourselves it now becomes part of our own system.

Anyway, I would suggest talking to your daughter about your concern in a loving, non judgmental and conversational manner. Ask her what she is going through, what she feels about her friend, boys, school, etc. Tell her that you don't necessarily agree with her friend' family about some things but that you are glad she has a friend who she cares about and who she is comfortable bringing home. Make sure that her friend's family does know that you don't want her dating etc. Meanwhile, understand that your daughter is being exposed to values that are different than yours every day. That is inevitable. Create a good foundation that you reinforce. I don't think censoring other people's values has a positive result very often.

Congratulations, you're setting an excellent example for your daughter.
I am pretty sure you have raised a very responsible daughter, and I think that is your best approach. Talk to her, let her know that you have done your best to teach her your(family) values, and while you can't control what others do, you trust her to make the right choices.
I don't consider myself old fashioned, but I would never ok my son to sleep at the girlfriends or viceversa, because it puts them in a place (relationshipwise) that they are not ready to handle.
Let her know that you don't expect to shield her from the constant exposure there is around teens these days about sex and racy clothes, and technology. But again, that like I said you want her/trust her to make the right choices on her own.
I think this is a perfect opportunity for her to learn how to stand her ground against all these influences, and the fact that she knows you'll back her up is important.
My point is: Don't trust others to respect your values (as much as you respect others'), but have your daughter know that you expect her to act bigger than she is, that's why you trust her, after all that's what teens want, to grow up... (and we want to be younger again jajajaja)
Again, congrats on such strong values!! Good Luck!

If you instilled your values in her, you now have to trust her. There are all different kinds of people in this world, and your ways are not better or worse than this other families. You have to trust your daughter to make the right choices until she proves otherwise. You already sound extremely judgmental even in this post, if you make your daughter stop seeing her best friend because they choose to live differently than you do, she will see that as judgmental, because it is. Have you ever thought about the fact that this other mom may feel the same way about your family(that your values are not in line with what they want for their children), but that she respects that her daughter will have to find her own way?

Good for you for caring enough about your daughter to teach her about these issues instead of ignore them and hope for the best! Don't apologize for that or say you are hopelessly old fashioned. Caring about your daughter's heart and body and wanting to guide her into good decisions that will last a lifetime are not old fashioned things. Be confident in the good decisions you are making as a family. Good for you for not judging this other family either. I think your best plans of action are: prayer, and spending quality time and thoughts with your daughter. There is no denying the huge influence friends have in our lives, so be clear with her about that. Ask her if she wants to be like this girl, and what things does she admire about her, and what does she not. Allow her to talk it out and think it through so she will be more mindful about what she is being exposed to and about who she is spending a lot of time with. Remind her that she should spend time with people she wants to be like and respects because that is who she will begin to emulate whether she likes it or not. Try to allow her to make these choices on her own and be up front with her about your concerns. I'm sure that you have been a huge influence in her life thus far, and that will not stop. I know she will respond best to being treated like an adult. I'm not saying she shouldn't be friends with this girl, I think she probably should be, just maybe not as close as she is. We can't run away from "bad influences". They are everywhere! We just need to be sure we are not saturating ourselves in them.

Is this a long standing friendship between the girls or is it a new friendship that has started within the past couple of years?
If it is a long standing relationship..then you daughter has already been exposed to their difference in values and it sounds like she is pretty good at handling it...especially if she is sharing things with you that she is hearing there that don't conform with your families values.
I went through this very same issue with my children ( they are now all grown and out on their own...I wish I could tell you that they continue to be involved in church and sharing my conservative values...but I can't...they are all GOOD girls...according to the worlds standards....all well educated ( one a lawyer...one a college professor...) but they have moved far away from the things I taught them to believe in as children.
The one thing that I would discuss with the girls parents are that you would not want your daughter to spend the night there when the brother's girlfriend is going to be spending the night. You can approach it from the "I know that all of us have different ideas of what we want to allow our children to experience...but I hope you will help me by letting your daughter stay at OUR house when the girls want to spend the night and your sons girlfriend is staying at your home". You can't be judgemental but you can ask them to respect your wishes.
This is only the first of many MANY times that your daughter is going to be exposed to issues and values that you do not agree with. Your job is to help her make good decisions...because you can't be with her every moment of every day...and SHE has to be the one making those decisions. I must tell you that as my daughters turned into young adults...they made some decisions that were NOT wise...and I wish now that I had been better at equipping them to stand strong in their values and they would have avoided a LOT of heartache and pain.
I wish I had some real words of advice and wisdom for you...but I don't....just keep on walking the walk and not just talking the talk...our children learn by our example....keep them centered and grounded in your faith and your values...and leave the rest up to them...and to God.

I would talk to your daughter and be sure she understands that while you respect others beliefs and their right to have different rules, the values for your family is what you believe to be best for your family. See what she thinks/feels on the topic.

Also talk to the other mom, tell her basically the same thing. You respect her position in her family in regards to setting their rules and values but that you feel very strongly on some topics especially concerning your daughter. Tell her that when she is going to allow her son's girlfriend to spend the night you would appreciate it if she would send your daughter home and refrain from encouraging revealing outfits.

You cannot expext the friend's mother to implement your values when your daughter is at her house. Would you be willing to do the same for her? Let her daughter do things at your house of which you don't approve? But maybe you can improve communication, let her know that it is important for you to know when the girlfriend is spending the night because it represents something you do not want your daughter exposed to. Expect her to get angry, since she will feel you are judging her, but if you weather the storm and let her know you are not trying to be judgemental, but doing what you feel is best for your daughter, you might get through.

Have you sat down with your daugther and talked, really talked, about why you subscribe to the values you do? Not in homelies about fishing, but talked about violence against women, teenage pregrancy, sexually transmitted diseases, the dangers of drinking etc., letting her ask questions and express her own opinions. Raising a child is like building a boat: At some point you have to watch them sail off and hope you did everything right. So be sure she is on board with your values too, that she understands not just the what but the why and how it protects her best interests.

For the record, I don't think you are hopelessly old-fashioned. We are raising our 14-year-old the same way and facing the same challanges. It is a hard row to hoe, but so far so good (knock wood...).

Hello! I read your post and instantly was taken aback 20 years! I was raised by a very conservative Christian family. At 14 I was not allowed to do a lot of things that my friends were doing. For example no sleep overs, no school dances, Absolutely NO dating. I found that my mother and my relationship suffered tremendously. We had almost no communication and it took years for our relationship to mend. Although, as I look back now and know she was trying to do what was best for me, I wish that she was more open and did trust me more because I really was a good kid. My biggest advise is to talk to your daughter and be honest with her. Tell her your worries and ask her what she thinks is fair. I would not stop your daughter from going over..but I would suggest letting her know that you must know when the "girlfriend" is sleeping over and that she will not be sleeping over on the same nights. Let her know that you trust her. If you stop her from going over her best friends house she will be very upset. Let her know that you are willing to give a little ( letting her still go over) if she is willing to give a little ( no sleeping over or no sleeping over on certain nights).
In terms of weaving your guidelines and values into your kids..I am sure that you have already done much of that by now. It is important to stay true to what you believe but also be flexible and understanding to her needs. Just always keep the lines of communication open with her. Unfortunately, my family felt that there rules and guidelines were the end all be all. There was no compromise or talking. At 14, I felt trapped and smothered. I developed and eating disorder that took over my life for many, many years. I wish years later that they were just open with me and spoke to me instead of constantly trying to control me and keep me "safe". Just by posting this I can tell that you are already being considerate of her needs...keep the communication open with her and be honest with your concerns. You will both come to an agreement that will be healthy for both of you. And your relationship will prosper. Good Luck!

i think you should talk to your daughter about what's allowed. she must realize the rules since they are her family's rules. i don't think you should bring up anything to the other mom, because your values are or are not her values. they seem liberal compared to you, you're already aware about this, so if i were you i would just make a choice...which is whether your daughter is allowed to be friends with this girls or not. then give the decision to your daughter.

Well your daughter is a teenager and might not believe as much as you do (your values or beliefs). I believe you need to let your child/children find themselves while showing and telling her/them why you have the values/beliefs you have and follow!! Obviously while she is in your home she is to respect them...she might not ALWAYS feel or believe what you do!! And that is her right as a person. However, i feel the more you try and stop her from doing something she might want to try or experience like all the other kids, the more she is going to rebel!! You also can not expect this other parent to respect how you live while your child is at her house. That is her home...not yours! I do not believe you should stop your daughter from sleeping there, it will only cause your daughter to "dislike" you. Its a very touchy situation..but just keep instilling the same values in your daughter that you have been...good luck

Honestly, at this point your daughter knows your values and knows that other people believe differently. If she attends public school, she has been exposed to all manner of people.
My daughter is 15. I am neither Christian or conservative. I would not let your daughter sleep there if the brother and his gf are having sleepovers if you don't want your daughter seeing that - but she certainly knows it is going on. If you don't want her there when that's happening, then tell her she must call you to pick her up. At this age, you can still make some decisions about how she dresses, and I'd laugh off the comment about showing some cleavage. I would not share your values with the other teen, as you don't appreciate her mom doing the same. I would not contact the mom, these girls are way too old for that sort of thing and the other mother is not required to take on your values in her home.
Remember that in 4 years, she will be away at college, an adult, with no superivision and exposed to all sorts of things and all sorts of people, whether she chooses to participate in all of those behaviors or not. She needs to be prepared and know what goes on in other families. You can share your values and have your rules while she is still a child living in your home, but it does not mean that she will adopt all of these beliefs for herself.
My teenager has friends who have different rules in their homes, and they manage quite nicely. The teens should understand your rules and guidelines. There are certain things that I can be more permissive with my daughter about, because I know that she is very trustworthy - for example, when she got permission to go to the home the person that she is dating after school one day, she had told me that the parents would be out but the 30 year old brother (who I have met) would be there with them. Fine with me. When she found out that plans changed and he would not be coming til later, they'd be home alone with the 18 year old brother and maybe his girlfriend, she called me to tell me this, and I told her she needed to come right home. The mom has invited my daughter to sleep over in the guestroom after attending family bbq's/parties at their home, but I simply don't allow teen dating sleepovers even though I trust the mom's supervision, it's just not a precedent that I wish to set. I am not looking to judge her for being open to it, it's simply against one of our rules. There are things my teen can do that some of her friends' parents would not allow.
You don't need to comment on the other person's values, you simply need to state that yours are different - but really she already knows this. It is natural to be curious about how others live.

Hi S..

Let me just say that you are not "hopelessly old fashioned". I was not raised in a religious household, and the behavior you described would have been considered outrageous and not tolerated. My parents would have forbid me to spend time with this girl, especially at her house.

At 14 my parents' objection to this girl would have made hanging out with her that much more enticing. I would have lied to them to hang out at her place with her cool older brother and girlfriend, and I would have made it my personal mission to spend the night while she was over. It wasn't my parents' rules that made me want to be so rebellious, but their treating me like I was still a child, not explaining or discussing with me the why's of what they were doing. Our household was run like a dictatorship. The rules were not to be questioned and didn't need to be explained. I ended up doing A LOT of things as a teenager that I regretted later. My relationship with my parents was awful and has only recently improved significantly. (I'm almost 40, so it took a long, long time).

So my advice to you would be to have your rules for your daughter, not the other girl. If you don't like the other mother's comments/rules she probably doesn't like yours. It sounds like you've already done a great job talking to your daughter since she is so openly telling you about this family. Keep up the communication and make sure she knows that she can come to you with anything. Above all do not judge her or her friends, that was the one thing that really formed the rift between me and my mom.

Good luck,
R.

Be honest and open without being judgemental. You and your family (hopefully your daughter,too) choose Christ. People make choices.Since she is telling you all of this, she has an opinion on it. I would ask her to share that opinion with you. Listen openly. Maybe some things are ok but a lot is not ok for a christian. I would not allow sleepovers at their house knowing that they allow boys and girls together. period. end of story.You love your daughter and want whats best for her but some choices she needs to make. 15 is a tough age with lots of peer pressure. Mom pressure is sometimes more important at this stage in life.Some choices can affect the rest of your life and cannot be undone. Your daughter should know that alcholism is heredity and runs in the family so she should be very careful and open with you about it.Good luck and God bless!
S.

First of all, You have raised your daughter w/your vales up to this point so She has the knowledge. I suspect she knows that some of what is going on over at her friends house is not in keeping w/your beliefs. Being a teenager she just doesn't want to appear "uncool" and admit it. Also, she is trying to find her way between child/teen/adult so she is also thinking for herself and seeing different views. That is normal. I would be concerned also, but have some faith too. She will see that living that way will bring on certain consequences. (We just had this happen recently!) At the same time if you continue to keep the channels of communication open w/your daughter that will keep these thoughts foremost in her mind. It will also let her know she can talk to you about things. When a situation is mentioned you could ask her what she thinks about it. i.e. the girl friend sleeping over, the excessive drinking, the cleavage comment. This will open a dialogue between the two of you where you can discuss instead of preach! You are not hopelessly old fashioned! Unfortunately society has gotten lax about the issues. I think you are doing it right! You are "weaving" morals and your beliefs into you daughter every day!

keep communication open dont let her sleep over ever. I have a soon to be 16 yr gilr and her friends parent nuts at times she can socialize with them even go over for a few hours but no sleep over. For example 1 girl has a boyfriend who is alwasys over the house in groups and mother didnt no it was her boyfriend Keep your eyes and ears open