16 Year Old Daughter - Moved Out

Wow, speaking as someone who left home at 16, while my situation was extremely different, I know now looking back I would have benefited greatly by being forced to face certain issues. Allowing her to "run-away" from her problems with you could create patterns of running away from problems later in life. I know that you don't have full control over her leaving since custody is an issue I'm sure, but definitely appeal to her father, let him know this isn't about making good with his daughter or "helping her out". She's not 25, she's 16 and needs structure and rules. She has to learn that problem solving and communication are the most amazing tools she can have in life. He shouldn't let her use him as an escape. It is my most sincerest regret that no one kicked my butt back home and saved me from myself because I was WAY too young to be making decisions about how I would spend the rest of my life.

Goodluck to you, I hope that you find a way to move forward in the right direction for all of you.

Dear C.-
I have a 14 year old daughter (my only child), and have been divorced since she was a toddler- so I can imagine how much you're hurting and how much you must miss her. I would be heartbroken if it happened to me. That being said, I think that your 16 year old daughter can choose where she wants to live. If you went to court, a judge would ask your daughter what she wanted and give her desires tremendous weight- especially at her age. I really think that the best thing you could do is keep the communication with your ex as positive and open as possible. He has the right to parent your daughter also, even if he hasn't been as active in the past. Your daughter will be better for building that relationship, and she will be more secure in coming back to you to make things right. The more contentious you make this, the more difficult it will be to resolve. Remember that your daughter has one family. If you want your ex to support you in trying to repair your relationship with your daughter, you must be willing to support his efforts to step in. Both things can be accomplished, and in the end, I think your daughter will thank you for being such a good mother.
This is probably a true test of your love for her. Remember Solomon's story: Two women were fighting over a child, both claiming to be it's mother. Solomon said he would solve the issue by cutting the child in half. The one who let go and relinquished her claim was the true mother.
Good luck to you- truly.
C.

Hang in there... Whatever motivated her decision to leave (whether there was on-going tension with you) and whatever her relationship has been with her father is unclear, but I can tell you from experience that sometimes these things work out for the best.

I left home when I was 16 because my mother and I were constantly butting heads... The longer I was away the more I missed and realized how much I needed her. I stayed out my whole senior year but moved home after graduation and our relationship was (and still is!) so much stronger!

The most important thing you can do is be strong, for yourself and for her. If she wants to come back you need to let her know she isn't going to call the shots or walk all over you. Maybe talk to your ex and make sure there are rules there too (curfew, chores, etc) so she didn't leave your house to live at Disneyland... Then she'll realize it's just life, and not you that sucks! ;) Kids need (and some actually crave) discipline. Stand your ground and she'll respect you for it.

C.,
Okay-First stop and think how you were at age 16 years old. All the hormones, trying to find your independence, and dealing with the pressures of life. Being a female is hard and being a teenager even harder. There are a lot of expectations coming from the World these days. Second, take your selfishness out of the equation which is the feeling of betrayal. It's okay to feel hurt because you love her and only want the best for her. However, you are the Mom and not the one that obvisously needs the attention right now. She is trying to tell you something and you need to listen or you will loose her. Third, you can't expect someone else to back you up when they are trying to bond with her as well. You clearly have to be the bigger person here and see what really is going on with her because it seems she is trying to find stable ground anywhere she can find it. I think you should look deep inside yourself and see the big picture through the love you have for her. Do not place the blame on her, your ex or yourself focus on trying to find the root of the problem and fix it. Lastly, a teen shouldn't have to take on the Responsibility your right of making the choice of who she should live with that is why you need to figure out what is really going on with her. She does have the right to feel, communicate, and express herself because she is a human being that like all of us has imperfections. I hope this helps and I know you guys will work it out...because I'm sure there is a lot of love left in the both of you.

Sincerley,

M

If your daughter was "your life", there stems the problem. This whole thing is the Universe telling you that your daughter is her own person, and so are you! You say a teen shouldn't have a choice. Why is that? She a person, too, with feelings and thoughts, just like you! Just because she is a teen doesn't mean she doesn't get a say in how she lives her life. I personally come from a broken family, where I did not get a say, and I would rather have lived with my father, because my mother was smothering and melded too much with me and could not see that I am my own person. I have been in therapy many years dealing with the fact that I didn't have choices (in many more ways than where I lived). My parents made them all for me. You will do your daughter a favor by giving her choices, because when she gets out into the world, she will have to make some big ones! My advice is "Let go and Let God". And if you don't believe in God, then this is my advice. "Let go, and ALLOW". Life is going to happen whether you agree with it or not! Good luck!

I have a 10 yr old and an 8 yr old, so who am I to talk. I just remember my teen years well and all the issues my friends had.

At 16 she is growing into a woman... tho certainly not yet there. I agree your x should have backed you up, but he probably has guilt over not being there and welcomes the opportunity to have her around full time.

It's fair and a good lesson for her to see you stand your ground. There's a great teacher on such issues (parentingsos.com) and one of the things Sandy talks about big time is natural consequences. Be reasonable and firm. Let her know you love her. Perhaps have a family meeting with all of you. Take her out to dinner just to spend time together until tempers have cooled and you can work on the situation.

I cannot imagine how hard this is. I will pray for you!

Lord, I lift up C. and her daughter to you. Will you restore this relationship and help them both to be reasonable and loving towards one another. At 16, we think we know it all and I pray you would give wisdom far beyond her years to C.'s daughter. I also pray that you would bring this family back together. That C.'s ex would realize regardless of their marital relationship, they should both parent with the other in mind and the best interest of their daughter. Give C. peace Lord.
In Jesus' name... Amen.

Actually, you're wrong, a teenager absolutely should have a choice. If you try to make every decision for her she will backlash (as she apparently already has) and never grow into her own woman. Let her stay their and make sure to maintain contact, so that hopefully she will decide that she wants to come back. It will make you feel good that she decided to come home on her own free will, and it will allow her to feel that she is able to make decisions based on what her feelings are. As long as you let her know that you want her to be happy with wherever she is she will know that you onely have her best interest in mind, and not your own ego.

C.,

I understand your pain on the betrayal from both ends. It's hard when dealing with kids specially teenagers... I personally don't have any teenagers at least not yet ( yr old) ... but I know 1st hand how hard teenagers are to deal with as I was one myself and my parents had a hard time with me.

Although its not an easy thing to experience, my ex-best friend (another story for another day) has 1 teenage son and 1 18 yr old. She's raised them with her new husband since the youngest was in diapers.

Her youngest (I think he's about 15 or 16) decided 2 summers ago to go live with his dad in Vegas. She even had a nervous breakdown b/c of this. Odd thing is that she let him go thinking he'll realize what he has here vs what he'll have out there. Although he's a good kid, he has a mouth on him and she'd been having trouble with him for sometime. So he left, summer went by, fall, winter, spring, and soon she started realizing that he was somewhat ok (looking past the mom dad did this and that to me... b/c he didn't like rules or chores which he has to do in Vegas and not with her). At 1st she'd always ask him so when will you be ready to come home. As time passed she realized that he needed to explore his dads life and be more involved (more than just the occassional child support payments he gave).

The odd thing is that for 13 years, she & her new husband had been trying to have a baby (1st biological child for him) but couldn't keep a pregnancy going. She mis-carried a couple times, and eventually she became discouraged and last year she convinced him to give up on trying and she was going to get her tubes tied. Well they went to the Dr. for the prep for that procedure and they found out that she needed to be treated for something in her pelvic area. She was treated and had to wait at least 6 months before she could go ahead with the tube tying. They waited and about 2 months into the 6, she found out she was pregnant.

Since she found out she was pregnant, she stopped asking Jesse (youngest) when he was coming home. She changed it to, if you need somewhere to go you will always have your home here with us.

Do note that they do get weekend visits about 2-3 times a month for Jesse to come home and visit.

On the other side of what you're experiencing is that your 16 year old has somewhere she could turn to instead of being a run away or go to someone who would take advantage of you.

Believe me I understand that you would prefer her to be with you but at the same time after 16 (+,-) yrs of you being responsible for her, maybe its time for you to take a break and let your husband deal with the teenage problems that come along with having kids.

Even if you feel this way (previous paragraph) this by no means reflects other than you are a good parent.

Also, remember that kids sometimes will change their "move" mind, b/c guess what no matter where you go there will always be rules you need to follow, along with chores, and permissions.

Are you at least in the same city or state as your daughter? You could possible start setting up "mending" sessions with her without her even realizing that is whats on the agenda.

Sometimes we need our own space, that's maybe why I decided to move into college rather than commute back and forth. Something to consider.

C.:

This sucks... I can't even imagine my daughter doing this. But I do think that 16 is old even to make a choice about where she wants to be, it maybe wouldn't have stung as much if it had been under different circumstances.

Just her some space and I'm sure she'll come around.

Good luck!

Lisa

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened to you On an emotional note, have you guys tried therapy, or some way to develope better communication skills.

I know this may be hard, but have you tried telling her that you understand, that all kids want to have a chance to live with their dad, that you love her, and that she is welcome to come homme whenever she wants? Check in often, try inviting her to coffee etc. My guess is that if you don't respond emotionally she'll get over it. Your ex is in for a shcck!

Hi,
I'm am 16 years old just like your daughter. My name is K., & I live in Hawai'i, my mother & I just got into a huge* fight about two months ago. I don't know your relationship with your daughter, but as for me and my mother it's been a rocky road since I was younger I used to blame my mother for everything that happened in my life. Like when my father left I blamed her because he left us & found another woman & eventually had two kids with her. I resented my mother so much! & forced myself to hate her. I was my daddy's little girl & I couldn't handle not seeing my father! It hurt so much! I was five when he left just, a few years older than your daughter when her father left. I understand how you feel because only now I finally understand and appreciate everything my mothers done. She put me through alot of hard times, but i've only become stronger throughout everything and I thank her because if i didn't go through those obsticales she threw at me I would have never became the person I am TODAY! I love the time away from her because i can finally focus on MYSELF and my school work. From being the girl who stayed home and cut school because my mom was always working and never had time for me, to being the girl who goes to work before school, then go to school, and afterschool go right back to work, and finally home to rest. And i'm the girl who learned responsibility and can finally say I have a 4.0 GPA. I know it's hard for you, because it's really hard for my mother. She feels she's a bad mother because I left and I don't wanna live with her anymore. And she wonders why i'm doing such a great job at my grandmothers house, but why couldn't I do the same at her house. Just know that your daughter loves you know matter where she goes or what she does, because i sure miss my mom ALOT! & i've only spent alone time with her once, since i've been away! Just keep your head up, and continue to do what your doing, i'm sure your a GREAT mom :)Have a wonderful day, God bless you.

-K..

Ditto what Jenn D. said. I know this is really hard, but let those two have a chance to develop a closer relationship. In the meantime, work on yours with her as well. Be the fun weekend parent! Take her out to dinner and the movies, lunch and mannie/peddies, shopping at the mall and Starbucks. Set up some standing dates---every Wednesday night, etc. These are fun things that allow you to bond and connect w/o the everyday hassles of parenting. Consider some therapy for the two (maybe even the 3) of you. You are experiencing a premature empty nest and it's painful, no matter how busy you are (but the business helps, doesn't it?). This will get better, I promise you. You're missing your daughter and the life the two of you had and in a sense, you're mourning that life as you knew it. It will take time, but you'll be feeling better within a few mos, and then you'll just continue to adjust. Good luck.

do not look at this as how dare her, embrace it, its time daddy had her, let him feel what its like rasiding a child, teens are not any easier than an infant, besides she needs her dad in her life, this will only give her a chance to feel like she has a dad, plus free up time for yo , sit doewn with dad, and talk to him what she is like , come to a middle ground then she has both of you to lean on, dont shut her out, its common fro teen girls this age to fight with mom they are just testing the waters, Mom this could back fire on you , its time to set the old feelings about your ex, forgive and be a part of this instead being left out ,,

Good luck

C., hi, how are you? I am going to give you a humorous point of view. I have a 16 year old and so my question is Why are you complaining??? Does your ex want another one? I know that they, the 16 year olds can be so exhausting and maybe you really did need a break. I don't know what your custody situation was but I think that you got the best end of the deal for now. 16 yr olds think that they know it all. I know that my daughter does and she thinks that she can make it on her own. Lately, she see a lot of her friends want to leave home and fight with their parents and she is actually coming to us and thanking us for being HER parents. The grass in not always greener on the other side. We know this. You know this. I would trust in GOD and she will come back. She will be a little more receptive of your decisions too. Make sure that when you do get her back that you actually do listen to her and speak to her not at her. This is the hardest thing for us to do too. Hey, go to a movie and have some popcorn. Good Luck and hang in there.

C.,
I can see how you feel betrayed by both of them. My niece went to live with our youngest sister when she was 16 because she and her mom just were at odds all the time. After about 3 months my niece wanted to come home because she felt like she couldn't live within the those rules. As sad as my sister was she told her that she had asked for it and now she had to stay for another 3 months until the school year was over. My niece did not like it but did what she had to and came back a much better young women. Now there where two other points... My two sister had to talk about all this without my niece around and they had to agree on timelines. My sister had to talk with her daughter about how things would work. My sister had to strong to teach my niece responsiblity for her actions and she absolutely had to put her own feeling aside because she was broken up!!

Good luck!!!

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. Unfortunately, I don't have any advice that would be helpful, I am a divorced mother of two and this is my worst nightmare. This senario runs through my head all the time. I am interested to see what advice you get. You will be in my prayers, good luck to you.

C.,

Right, wrong, good or bad, she does have a choice, as far as the courts are concernced. I'm a step mom and we've recently gone through this with my step daughter, though it was our house she chose to move too. It's hard to let go, but all you can do is keep your heart and your home open for her in the event she wants to come home. She still needs her mom!
Good luck!

This is a hard thing to respond to, and by the looks of things, you have received ample advice. I'm sure you will do great! May I just add my thoughts for you to think about during the days, months, etc. ahead. I was 8 when my parents divorced. At age 12, I decided to live with my dad. I knew that it was really going to hurt my mom. She was a great mom. She cared so much, but I knew that this was something that I needed to do. Needless to say, my mom didn't see it that way. We spent a summer in court. I wish that my mom would have just let me go, because as custody things go, they get very ugly and feelings get hurt. My mom was just "fighting" for me though-I understand. To tell you the truth, I may have done the same thing. Anyway, I"m not sure if this is even a thought of yours, so I will move on... One thing my dad did say at that time though is that if we were going to go through with this, there was not going to be any "going back and forth--depending on who was going to upset/or not upset me--you know what I mean. This was not the case with me though. However, your daughter my just need her dad for a short while--time will tell. But when it comes to this matter, you and her dad should try to be together and consistant so that she can't play the situation.

Now, if she does decide to make the move perminant, may I just say, please, as hurt as you may feel, she still needs a mom--and that is you. Don't try to punish her, or make her try to understand how much this hurts you. She probably already knows (to some extent), or will one day when she is a mom. But for now, just be there. There were times when I needed my mom, but she was too hurt to care I guess. She had put a wall up, and wouldn't let me in. One time on the phone I was sharing with her some of the good and exciting things going on in my life (ie. making honor society,etc.), but it was just silent on the other end. Finally, I said, "Well, bye, Mom. I had better go. I love you." She just said "Bye", and hung up. Years later, when I asked her about this, she said that I had hurt her, so she wanted to hurt me. Anyway, I'm not sure if I understand that, but all I am saying is ,she will want to share with you things in her life: who she likes, who her friends are, how she is doing in school, etc. Try not to tune this out. There will come a time in her life when she will need you--and only you will do, and you don't want to have to go back and rebuild a damaged relationship that really should have been nourished, in one way or another, all along. You are her mom. There is a special bond between mother and daughter that is real and unlike any other. When there is a void, both people end up hurting. My mom and I are good now, but there was about a decade (age 13-24-ish) that my mom has no recollection of my life. She just remembers how badly she hurt. That is what she chose to focus on. But I'm sure it is not easy to do this. But it will be definately worth it in the end--I promise! Keep her close. Let her know that you do and always will love her at all times, no matter what choices she makes. Keep the communication open, and don't be afraid to show her your love, for fear you will get hurt. It doesn't work that way. That mother/daughter relationship is so worth it. When she is older, maybe one day you can talk about this, and you will be able to understand each other and see why you both did the things you each did.

My best wishes for you. If it is any consolation, I turned out alright. :) I am married and a happy mother of 4 small children... and my mom? She is good now too. I think she sees and understands why I made the decision that I did, and that it doesn't mean that we can't have a close relationship.. I'll end now, so you can go call your daughter. Bye.
p.s. That reminds me, call her often. And don't sit and think when the last time was that she called you. Give your love freely. And remember that if there are ever times that she does end up hurting you (because she will--knowingly or not)--just remember that she is a teenager, and it's part of the age. It's most likely not direction towards you. She loves you dearly!

From the time that children are 12 years old they legally DO have a choice in regards to which parent they would like to live with. I went through something kind of similar when my daughter was 14. After talking to a LOT of parents who have split from their partners and also grown children from parents who divorced when they were young, this is very common. I can relate to how devistated you are but it is a part of life. I would suggest that you do not make your daughter feel guilty for seeking out her father's help. After all, he is her father. As for you, children are very consuming and occupy huge amounts of their mothers lives but every mother needs to be prepaired for the day when their child starts to claim their life as their own. You can be supportive or you can make the situation a lot more difficult. A 16 year old girl is no longer a child. and she is entitled to choices that govern her life.

Just hang in there and let her know you love her and will always be there for her. My heart goes out to you I am on my 2nd teenage daughter one more to go and my 1st is doing great and very responsible. She moved out twice once angry moved back 2 days later and said sorry. Then because she was twenty and thought she was grown up enough to take care of herself she will be moving back this weekend because her boyfriend went out of state to work a high paying job to save money for a home and wedding they both grew up these last few months of living together. It is all life lessons for them and us. It would be easier if you and her dad where united when it came to her so maybe you and him can sit down and work something out for her sake so she doesn't have two sides to play when she doesn't like how the other side is playing. Best of luck to you and your daughter. Things do get better it just takes work.

she will return. She is a teenager and being one.
Also, it is not a bad thing, FOR HER, to think of her dad, as a rescuer.As big a dope as you know he is, it is a good thing for her to think he is a good guy. It will only help her in her relationships with men.
But, if you havn't already, speak to a lawyer or family court.
She is a minor, and can't decide on her own where to leave.
Kids, it doesn't get any easier :)

Dear C.,
Teenagers are tough. And then if they have divorced parents, it is not uncommon for teen with divorced parents to suddenly prefer one household over the other.It is also not uncommon to "play" one parent against another, given the situtation. I am a stepmom to teenagers, and I have seen this before. They're smart. Then it can switch back on a dime. Your ex may do/say something and they may argue. That said, I thnk you need a conversation with your exhusband about this, without her listening and an adult conversation. Perhaps then he can hear you and understand that what he did was take advantage of you and her argument, and that he could have been supportive as a dad and supportive to you as well. I think you need to have a talk with him, and then privately with her. What does your custodial agreement say anyway? These things are all important. Please try to remedy the situtation and don't give up.

As a stepmom of 2 girls, 18 and 20, I'm sitting here thinking about how your ex has his hands full. We thought that if the girls got through their teens, high school, they'd pull it together and be kinder, nicer kids to me but it only seems to get worse. They were equally half time in each house until the age of 18. The oldest moved in with us full time and thought she was queen of the roost. When I pushed back (asking for household participation, rules, etc.) She moved to her moms. For 2 months. I was asked to move out, and she moved back in. Her father now has HIS hands full, and regrets asking me to leave, but I have to say, it's good to have your space to take care of yourself.

We'd always heard how great it was at mom's house, and how there were no rules there (Disneyland best friend mom), but comments from mom tell us that's not the whole story, and that they fought with her all the time and played how great it was at our house. I'm a child of divorce too.. it's a sucky situation for a teenager, it just is. Still, don't assume it's any different at dad's house than yours.

Unfortunately young women have to separate emotionally from their moms to define themselves as women. Doesn't mean she doesn't love you, or you her. Trust that the first 16 years of you raising her will imprint on the woman she will become. I was terribly frustrated with the choices divorced kids get that children of intact families don't have, and aren't ready for. Don't bend over backwards. Stand your ground. She's pushing to test her boundaries and you have to keep showing her them.

When our oldest moved back in (she said because there was no structure at mom's house), her dad set very distinct rules about how the house would run. This summer when their mom moved out of town, the youngest moved in full time and started acting out terribly. He finally grew a pair (so to speak) and put his foot down telling her if she didn't live by his house rules she could move to her moms--no car, no computer, no college money, no cell phone. That if she was old enough to not need a parent, she didn't need all the things he provides for her. She started communicating with him and meeting curfews.

As hard as it is for you to let go right now, it is so important for girls especially to have a relationship with their dad. I wonder how she will react when he sets boundaries, because at some point, even if he is very flexible, they will be at odds. Also wonder how she will react to his dating -- or is he married and are there other kids in the home? I see where people say a 16 year old can make residence decisions, and the courts generally support this. It sucks to feel you have no rights as their parents though...and yet are still responsible for them.

You are right though that it's a bad bad pattern to run away from conflict and not learn resolution. Don't give up on that. Not sure what the argument was about, but if it's something you can't compromise on, agree to disagree, but remind her that although she may see things differently, you have the experience and wisdom and responsibility to make decisions based on her safety and well being. No one has asked-- is her dad's house a safe place for her? if not, of course you have to press your custody rights. It's got to be very frustrating to have taken all the responsibility and have your rights not regarded by your ex.

They let 16 year olds drop out of high school too. Stupid but they let them. Give her this chance to bond with her dad. Spend time together.. on your terms. Perhaps set a date for the same time each week. It may mean there are times she has to give up some social event to meet your date, but I wouldn't reschedule at the last minute if she blows you off. You've been so important to her, she's going to miss you, you are the only MOM she has. (it's a special bond even when you're going through conflicts... she probably wouldn't treat anyone else the way she treated you, good or bad). Call her and ask about her day, and just listen. She doesn't get to stop being your daughter : )

You asked how to move on and live this way? Do it well to set an example of how a strong independent woman lives. You love her, you don't need her. You want her to love you but not need you. Be there when your ex calls to find out how to handle her, support him (for her best interest not for his) then let him have to do it! Take some time to enjoy your friends, pay off bills or save for and go on a vacation (you deserve it, and she'll hate being left out, but she made her own bed). Enjoy the peace of your quiet home. Sometimes some space will allow her to bring her best self to your door... you may get to counsel and love her without being "the law".

I hope you can find some positive through this uncomfortable time. It's NOT fair-- as much as you want it to be. Give it some time, and both of them will agree with you that perhaps that night wasn't handled well. (consider maybe he lives with some guilt about his lack of involvement & did exactly what most parents do when their children call for "help" --come and "save" them) I hope he can be more supportive of your efforts as a parent in the future. I think you still have the capacity to resolve the conflict and teach some of the lessons she needs to learn, perhaps with this living situation you can find different ways to be heard.

Don't feel punished. If you are convinced she is loved and safe, think of this as growing pains... it's a dry run for 2 years from now when you really want her to want to be and have the skills to be independent. I'm sure she loves you and someday will be mature enough to thank you for all you've done for her.

Hang in there!

ps if my math is right you were very young when you had her, and saying your daughter was your life meant that you took your responsibility seriously, not that you smother her.

I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. Dealing with teenagers can be hard. Just try to be there for your daughter as much as you can. Be understanding. Sometimes children (adults, too) think that the grass is greener on the other side. But once the newness wears off, your daughter will begin to see how good she had it with you.
Depending on the state in which you live (you would have to speak to an attorney) it is most likely "okay" by state law for a 16 year old to decide which parent he or she will live with. I know that is hard to swallow.
But, just give her time and your love and understanding. She will come around in time.

C.,

I've got to tell you that from a single parent perspective this is a concern for me when my son gets older and is dealing with his teenage angst. It is sad that her father did not try to help mediate the situation and help you co-parent, rather than giving your daughter an escape from having to deal with the discord.

Have you and her father talked since this happened? Like my ex and I, it doesn't sound like you guys are the type to chat over details...but, at the same time he could be showing her it's okay to run away from your problems rather than finding constructive ways to solve them.

You are both her parents, and just because he got to play the 'hero' in this situation doesn't mean that he can allow you to be shut out of her life. Can you contact him for a sit down to discuss how things are going, and what you two can do together to work through this and cut off this pattern before it starts?

I wish I had more experience in this, but I appreciate your post!!

Hi! I wish i had some wonderful advice, these things are tuff! I was that teenage daughter before. I moved out due to an argument with my mom when i was 15, i was angry and hated her. I was a selfish teenager. I moved with my father who liked to party and do whatever. I must say i was back at my moms in about 6 months. I called her the first time my dad and i got in a fight, and she came that day to pick me up. I know every circumstance is different, therefore the only advice i have is to pray! It is so hard! Now that i am 31 with 2 kids of my own it kills me to think of all the times i broke my mothers heart. She is my best friend now. Don't lose hope or grow weary.

Hi C.:
The question here is, who has primary custody of your daughter? If you were awarded custody at the time of your divorce,then until your daughter is an adult,or your husband has gone back to court to change the judges ruling,she remains in your custody. Your daughter, moved in with her father, because you allowed it.She got angry,during a disagreement with you, and believes she will benifit,from running to daddy.She has lived under your roof,and under your rules most of her young life.In my opinion shes under the assumption,that she will have less rules,or restrictions with her father,as its a whole new enviroment for both. Shes banking on him feeling regretful,for his absence in her life,and believes he will give her more freedom, to do as she pleases.If i were you,I would contact your ex,and tell him he is in violation of the original court order in regards to custody,and unless hes prepared to get an attorney and go back to court,to retain custody of your daughter, he'd better pack her bag,and bring her home.I'd tell my daughter,since she believes shes mature enough to over-ride the courts decision of living with you, then she well can sit down, and have a mature conversation regarding her wishes,and the reasoning behind wanting to move at this time.I wish you and your daughter the best.

Dear C.:

Don't stop being her PARENT! You are still her MOM! Be her Mother! Understand her struggles, understand teenage hormonal drama, be there for her in all the other ways she DOES need you. And I bet she will want to be with you even more. She is not gone. She is with her Father. You can still do all the wonderful, loving things you did for her when she lived with you. You can check on her, ask her about her homework, life, friends, etc. My parents divorced when I was young. They made the mistake of giving up on their parenting responsibilities, which last a lifetime! Don't give up! She is your daughter!
You can survive any argument or hurt feelings. Just don't hang on to them!

I wish you luck!

Sincerely,

Andrea B.

I am so sorry about your situation and I feel your pain. I have a 17 yr old that has done the same thing, but she moved in with her friends family. Her father and I are still together, but he only gets involved when he wants to be the "hero" and try to "fix" things. Your daughter will come around eventually. Just be thankful that she has a safe place to fall and that her father was actually there for her when she needed someone. Dont feel betrayed by your ex or your daughter. These teenage daughters of ours are just going through a tough time, too much school pressure, peer pressure, raging out of control hormones, boys, etc. Give her time to make her feel like she is in control of the situation. I also put my daughter on a mild birth control for medical reason, really bad, painful periods and to mellow out the hormones, this has worked wonders!! Talk to your OBGYN, insurance covers the birth control because its for medical reasons and not actually for "birth control" reasons.
Try to talk to your daughter daily and nicely ask when she thinks she might come home, if she starts wanting to raise her voice and argue, just tell her you will only talk to her if she can remain calm, dont engage in an argument with her. Write/email her a note about how much you love her and want the best for her and that yoou need to communicate and that you want things to be better. Dont play the blame game, chances are she doesnt even remember what you fought about to begin with. These loves of our lives really dont know or appreciate all we do for them, so this distance may turn out to be a really good thing for both of you.
I wish you all the best and hope that your daughter realizes how much she truly does need her "mommy"!!

Have you considered family counseling/ therapy?
A lot of progress can be made in even just a few sessions.
The phrase "my daughter was my life" is a little bit of a red flag for me. Of course our children are an immensely important part of our lives but it's okay (and healthy!) to have your own life as well.
Good Luck.

Hi,
I'm not sure if this was already suggested, but some conjoint family therapy for you and your daughter may help mend things...make the time. She's worth it.
Bestt wishes, L.

Hello C.,
I'm sorry about your dilema. The question is...is her father ready for the challenge of teaching her all the life lessons she needs? Or does he just want to be her refuge from you...her superman who rescued her from the reality of her own immaturity? If he's not raising her properly, he's allowing her to run from life's challenges. But if he is being a responsible parent, maybe he's working on guiding her towards coming home to you. Either way, I would not leave it in his hands. I'd apologize to her for allowing the arguement to get out of hand since the parent is the role model. I'd admit that we're both facing challenging situations we just don't YET have the wisdom/experience to handle but that I want to stick together & TRY together. I'd let her know I will NOT give up & I'm sorry she was so angry/hurt she felt she needed/wanted to leave. I would let her express herself & ask her to listen to me as well. Remember, the result of that one moment will have a life lasting impact and she's looking to you for the example. I wish you the strength and courage to make it happen. Take care & good luck.

Oh boy...
C., I am so sorry for how this must be affecting you. Brings a little tear to my eye, when I think of how it must have made my mom feel when I left at 15! I felt quite capable, in life, and was not treated as such and it made my head spin. Your daughter very well may be facing some similar issues. I went to a friend's, whose mom took me in (unbelievable, in hind-sight) later that week I went to live with my dad, per his request. He said we'd be just fine and implied that my mom wasn't as good at this as he was... 8 months later he was kicking me out, back to my mom's!!! After that mom and I got along a lot better. Maybe the time away made us both reflect on how lucky we were to have each other.
I'd suggest that you, in her absence, try to begin to realize that the only thing that makes your daughter a child is the written law. Her decisions may be immature but NATURE has declared her a woman by now. She needs you to help guide her decisions WITH HER PERMISION. You have to act smarter than her, and at 16 I remember being pretty crafty and capable of making many good decisions. Sure there were bad decisions made too but that's how we grow.
Good luck and try to use this time constructively. Build a better relationship with YOURSELF and her. No one should be "your life" but you.
Look within. If you're able to parent alone for 14 years you're a very strong woman!!! Love yourself and you'll be fine and in the end, a better mother for your daughter, a budding woman herself. :)

I was really moved by your story, it sounds heartbreaking. Have you tried therapy? I know of a GREAT therapist in Scripps Ranch and teenage girls love her because she is "cool". Her name is Dr. O'Donnell and her # is ###-###-####.
Good luck, hang in there.

aloha, I feel your pain, mine was the same...
First, treat her with respect, that means respect her choice. It is natural to go against you at this age. Call her daily, or so, just to say hello and to see if she needs anything, without making any demands of her. (mine would not even speak to me, but I continued, I knew I was the one who could demonstrate unconditional love.) I cried, mourned, but went on with my life) the dad and I had an ugly divorce and this added to my grief.
My child is back now, living with me, and rarely sees dad, because, they learned about unconditional love, which dad does not have. It took about 6 months, but we are very close now, with great mutual respect. Best of luck to you.

You don't need to "move on." Your daughter can still be your life, even though she's not living with you right now. It seems that she wants to be treated like an "adult." So treat her like one. Use this opportunity to get to know her on another level. Go out to lunch and a movie on Saturday and talk like girlfriends. Show her that moms aren't all rules and regulations.

The vast majority of your relationship with your daughter will be spent with both of you as adults. It's starting, probably sooner than you wanted. But embrace it and show your daughter that you love and respect her by respecting her wishes to live elsewhere for now. Be loving and remain welcoming and she may very well change her mind.

Best of luck to both of you.

First off I'm so sorry.I know how hard it can be with a teen daughter. I have two children from my first marriage 20 & 17. My daughter is the 20 yr old. I still have my battles. Dad should have supported you. I can understand the betrayal you must feel. My daughter too had threaten to move out about that age. I had told her how much it would hurt me. You are past that now. She has left the home. All I can say to you is its only a matter of time. She's still the same 16 yr old that left your home. Dad will have the same problems. Let her know you love her your there for her. As you have ALWAYS been there for her. There is no moving on. She will always be your daughter. Hold on mom. I promise it slowly gets better. VERY SLOWLY. Maybe you can start taking a class or join a local church, gym. I will pray for you both.

Hi C.,
You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck. I don't know if anyone has suggested family counseling but that was the first thing that came to my mind. I wish you only the best:)

Now your roles are reversed with the father. Play it that way.
Take your daughter out for a meal and a movie every week or so. Be as sweet as you can. Let the father deal with all the problems. Pretend you daughter is just a friend and enjoy her company. I would guess the father will realize what he has got himself into and it will all work out for the best if you keep your cool.
Good luck,
B. v

C.,

I know that you feel hurt and betrayed, but you have to continue to be the humble adult. You can not give up on your daughter because she needs you and you need her. You should make every effort to continue to be there for her. She is on the verge of becoming a young woman. She is emotionally ill equipped to deal with all the feelings, emotions, and thoughts that she experiences. You must remember that she will make mistakes and sometimes those mistakes will hurt you. Your love must shine through and you must not speak about your daughter in the past tense. She is apart of your life and you must continue to be a support for her. She may let her pride prevent her from reaching out to you. You must not do the same. You can convey your support and love without agreeing with her poor decisions. I know you love her and I know she will continue to cause you disappointment. You must be strong and let her know that you do not agree with her, but that you continue to love her and want the best for her. You should also have a heart to heart talk with dad!

C.

First of all you really need to be calm and talk to your ex about this. As far as your ex and his wife just tell them how you feel and just maybe they will be able to see where your coming from. What he did in a sense is wrong! Whether together or not you both need to be on the same page because I am sure if it was the other way around he wouldn't like it.

Secondly, you really need to talk to your daughter and tell her how you feel. She is 16 not 20! It sounds like she is in rebellion and wanting all the freedom she can get.

From experience do your best to reach out to her and lay down the ground rules. If she wants freedom then she must have respect and earn it ( but still enforce your morals and values). We live in a crazy world with all sorts of dangers for young ladies. You stand your ground your doing a good

job. Don't let her manipulation effect you into keeping yourself busy. You did all you could to provide and be there for her. Just continue to love her and be there for her when she is ready to talk to you or willing to come back.

Wishing you the best.

Let her go. Don't bug her. When she calls, let her talk. Just let her know that you're always there for her. Do something now that you've always wanted to do but never got around to. Go back to school. Make you your life. She'll respect you for it. She'll appreciate your faith in her. When she comes back to you she'll do it because she wants to.

Sounds like your ex is playing the hero/rescuer to alleviate his guilt for not being around all the time. If you have the court order saying so, take hime to court. Otherwise you'll just have to wait it out. Be there with open arms when she is ready to come home. It may take several years and a lot of growing up, but your daughter will eventually get it.

The hardest part of being a parent is believing in yourself and remembering that this will pass. Why would you expect your ex to be different then he has been for the past 16 years? It's hard to raise children with values & morals when an ex is undermining you and it's what your child wants to hear at that moment. But please remember that somewhere in the future your child will look back (as an adult and probably a parent) AND KNOW WHO WAS THERE FOR THEM THROUGHOUT THEIR LIFE. My son was 3 when his father & I divorced. Over the next 15 years I was villified, badmouthed, and regularly trashed. We called him "Disneyland Dad" because it was fun and games on the rare occasions when he parented. My son was 25 with a small child of his own when he came to me with a thankyou. "I now understand the rules, discipline, consequences, and all the rest that you instilled in me. I want for my child all of the things you wanted for us and I know that my children will sometimes hate me for being a good parent. Thankyou Mom. I hope that I can be half the parent to my son that you were to me." Cry all you need to but don't badmouth her Dad. She will see him for what he is and respect you for not trashing him. I always believed that someday they would understand. And then I would shut myself in the bathroom and cry. Now they are adults and while thy have a good relationship with their Dad; they see him clearly. They love him but do not depend on him and do not expect from him more than he is capable of giving. They are excellant parents and I survived that painful teenage time and am proud of them. Hang in there. Your time will come and will last for the rest of her life.
V.

I understand the emotions involved, but you are dead wrong on this one. Teens absolutely deserve to decide with which parent they live. Your daughter is an individual, not a piece of property. I moved in with my dad when I was 15, and it was one of the best decisions I've ever made - for everyone involved. Yes, my mom was angry and hurt at first, but in the end it was very good for our relationship. Your daughter is close to being an adult as it is... time for you to lead your own life. As for going into self-preservation mode - that is not an option for mothers. Do away with your feelings of hurt, betrayal and anger. Use this time to grow and mature as a person. See her when it is convenient for both of you. Talk on the phone every now and then. Accept her decision. Be calm and reasonable.

I'm so sorry about your current situation and heartbreak but believe it or not teens do have a choice. All three of my cousins lived with their mom because of custody agreements but once they turned twelve one by one they decided to go live with my uncle and his new wife. It was a more stable environment for them. Along with the stability came rules and one of my cousins decided at about 15 that she would rather move back with her mom where she could run wild. Much to the dismay of my uncle she did move out. I hope this situation can be resolved quickly for you.

When my daughter was 14, she decided she wanted to go live with her dad who was not particularly involved in her life. It tore me up also. We arranged a place to meet every other weekend so that I could have time with her, sort of a flip-flop custody arrangement. He was overly strict, unsupportive, brought many women home, subjected my daughter to being the baby sitter to these women, etc., etc. He was trying to make believe that he was somehow a good dad. When she was 16, she had enough and realized that I was the better parent. My recommendation is that you meet with your daughter one-on-one and let her know that you are there for her. Then maybe you could arrange a similar schedule for weekends as I had with my daughter, unless of course, she lives too far away. Girls that age are difficult to deal with, but they do come around. My daughter was a nightmare, but now she's responsible, works and goes to school at 29. And guess what? She lives with me again! Take heart and take care.

I know it has been over 4 years now. I hope you get this message. I am in the same situation and it occurred two weeks ago. My daughter was my daughter and a best friend. A best friend in the aspect we did everything together, even walked daily together. Please, I am looking for answers. She is now living across the country with her dad who at one point she didn't talk to for well over a year. I'm broken....heart hurts and words just don't explain this feeling of hurt. How have you coped???? How do I get through my days now feeling alone and broken????

Look i bet you have done a HEll of a job raising her. She is old enought to make her decision. Not saying it is the right choice but eventually she will realize what a great mom you are. And for her father, of course he was not going to back you up. His GUILT would not let him. He is going to try to make up for all the lost time... Believe me your daughter will also realize this and soon will return. Once again, you have given her 16 years of you life and more but take a break continue to keep busy... and do not hold nothing against you daughter. See it as a time out for yourself, not that you did something wrong but as a vacation to reflect and focus on yourself. Good Luck