16 Year Old Son, Needs More Initiative, We Want Him to Be More Independent

ONE WORD 4-H
Its a great youth club all over the usa I was in it for 10 years and we went on a lot of trips and I have seen it first hand to help guys become more social.
Find the one near you and take him and sign him up for every trip that come available....You will see a change!!

My parents told me when I was 13 that I would get $100 every 6 months for a clothing allowance, and anything after that-- clothes, movies, trips-- was on me. I hustled babysitting jobs and anything else I could do, and then when I was 16 I went and got a part time job. If he has no money to buy video games or do anything else he wants to do, then he'll feel motivated! (Although I didn't want to pay my own car insurance, so I put off getting my license until I was almost 18). I wish you well!

Wow. You're the parent here, so you just need to be more agressive. My parents made us get jobs. We weren't allowed to just sit around and play video games, sleep late, not groom ourselves, etc. My mom harped on us all the time! I swear she was a broken record and wondered if she ever got tired of making us do what was right. Now as I'm grown up, I realize she did her job as a parent and I'm sure it wore her out, constantly making sure we did what a growing kid who new nothing was supposed to be taught. Good luck w/ getting your son to use lotion...men don't usually use lotion!! :) I would lighten up on the train thing, don't you have a hobby or collectables that you enjoy?

I just happened to find this post through a google search of how to overcome shyness. Let me first say that I'm not a mother. In fact I'm not even female lol, I'm a 20 year old college "kid" with a shyness/social problem. You all know secondhand the most about your children, with only them having more knowledge than you. So I'm not telling you that there's nothing you can do, I'm only saying that your generation and our generation are somewhat different. I hate to say it, but as far as high school goes, he doesn't sound like he has much chance of a fresh start. High school is just like first grade in that once the kids get accustomed to the newenvironment, the split off into their own cliques. And once that happens, it's a musical chairs effect where those left standing (without a clique) are just left out. I know it probably hurts as a parent to hear that, but it's the harsh reality. Unless he can completely rip out of his shell and do something very memorable to his classmates, college will be the chance for a fresh start. This is all assuming that he is not, in fact, an introvert. If he is, then he won't change because he feels no need to...he's happy the way he is. But like I said, you are the one to make that judgement.

Also, just to be safe, check to see if there aren't any mental illnesses that he may be suffering from like depression or social anxiety. If so, then it's going to take a lot more than a change of style to help. It's a serious matter that is soooo unrecognized. Not to give a pity story, but I personally struggle with depression/low self esteem and the occasional suicidal thought.

So basically if you want to do some good, start prepping him for college life by encouraging him to stick with a few friends for security. If he has none, work with him on learning how to break into the social circles. I hope this post helped and I apologize for any typos, I typed this on an iPhone haha

I don't know that I could say much else. With independence comes a lot more that you may not yet be bargaining for. I agree with helping him get at least a part-time job even if it's only a few hours per week. He needs to learn sometime. I am not certain that grooming is something you can force on someone at that age. Our daughters all went through their piggy stages. And yes, it became tiring harping at them! But they were 8-11. I can't imagine still having that as an issue at 16.

I TOTALLY agree that his gaming should be on him to pay for. Try and be supportive about the trains. Maybe he wants to work for the railroad! Railroads are dying and I think that's sad. We need to bring them back in a bigger way.

It sounds like he is a scholar and you don't have to harp on him about grades. KUDOS to you! And the fact that he is respectful is every mothers dream. You don't want to know what it's like raising 4 girls! My husband nearly didn't survive the first 3 as teens. 3 down, one to go.

It sounds like you have done a good job. :)

Suzi

Hi S.,

I went to Scholars Academy back in my day, so perhaps I can shed some light on your son. Don't get caught up in the "initiative" thing. He has initiative at least in his schoolwork and his games. Your son is obviously academically gifted, or he wouldn't be at Scholars. This brings its own challenges.

I wouldn't jump all over him yet. He just came back from a place where 300 other kids were at his intellectual level. Where he may have been understood for the first time in his life. Where he wasn't sneered at for being a brainiac. Now he is back home, back to his previous peer group. There is an adjustment period after Scholars. You mourn for a bit. He is probably depressed. He's back to a place where he has to deal with unhappy social issues after being in an amazing socially accepting place.

Give him time to mourn. Chances are he made some incredible friends there who are at far corners of the state where he can't go see them. And he's probably having a pity party for himself that he's back where his schoolmates ostracize him. Being smart can be really tough.

I would encourage him to stay in touch with his new scholar's friends. They should have a calendar coming soon with addresses at least. (That was my day before everyone had email). I would dangle the Reunion as incentive. There should be a reunion in Sept or Oct. It is a ton of fun and you get to see almost everyone. Tell him you expect personal hygiene from now until then if he expects to go. Or tell him he needs to do X to earn some money to pay for the hotel room at the reunion.

I hope something I've said has helped. I know I had a tough time back then. I was at a small school with no gifted program. We lived out in the country far from everything. I didn't feel a connection to my classmates. Scholars probably saved my life. It showed me there were others out there like myself. And that there was a great big world beyond high school. And yet, I knew I had to endure TWO YEARS of misery before I could get out there. I'm betting that is what is on your son's mind, even if he won't articulate it.

Good luck, and send me a note if you need anything. Tell your son "boomba" from a fellow scholar.

I don't know that making him get a job is the answer. My parents didn't want us to work too much as kids - they wanted us to be kids - we have our whole lives to work. Not to say that they didn't install a good work ethic in us, and we did have part time jobs, but they wouldn't let us work more than 10 hours a week. We had an allowance that was lunch money - if we made our own lunch, we got to use that money for whatever we wanted. Other than that, they bought us necessities, but extras were up to us to save for. However, we were also very involved in activities, and social butterflies as well. I think boys are sometimes late bloomers and I wouldn't push him to be social if he seems content. Does he at least have one or two friends? My husband has a couple of close friends, but that's it. He's just more of an introvert.

But if you are concerned that it's just because he's being lazy, something I would maybe suggest would be talking to him about making decisions. You might try reading Love and Logic. They tell you how to help your child realize that every decision they make ultimately affects them more than anyone else and they have to deal with the natural consequences. If he doesn't make an effort to socialize, then he will be lonely. If he doesn't eat, he'll be hungry. If he doesn't groom himself, he'll be stinky (which will keep others from wanting to socialize with him). And you don't need nag or remind him, because he will have to deal with the consequences, not you. As for the sleeping late, give him responsibilities around the house that you need him to take care of that have to be done by a certain time every morning. If they aren't done, he loses video game privileges or you can tell him you don't have time to (take him to the mall, do his laundry, insert favor here) because he didn't do what you needed him to and you had to do it. The book explains it better. Hopefully it's just a phase. Good luck!!

If he did fine during his three weeks at Mizzou, then he'll probably be okay. The way I see it, the difference falls under the category of expectations. There, he was expected to accomplish something outside gaming and trains. At home, maybe you haven't communicated your expectations for him as well. Maybe it's time.

Our youngest child is 20 and just moved back home to finish college at WSU. Because we have thoroughly enjoyed empty nest for 2 years, I am really thinking a lot lately about just your issues. My advice: Start giving him more responsibilities--daily chores, clean his room, do his own laundry, yard work, maybe even learn to cook for the family; and he's old enough for a part-time job. These are life skills that he's going to need in the near future. I would also tell him that for his own good, he needs to turn off the video games (at least cut back considerably). If he gets bored enough, he'll start looking for alternative activities. If he's shy and really has no friends, look into ways he can volunteer places. Consider a good church youth program. Youth pastors can be very good about encouraging the quiet kids.
Try not to compare him with your daughter. They each have their unique bent. Enjoy his and just encourage him. He sounds like a neat kid.

Good luck!

Count your blessings. Sounds like you have a late bloomer, but I guarantee he will become more independent when he's ready. He sounds very much like my neighbor's oldest son, who is very smart, and did very well in school, but wasn't very social. After graduation, he went away to college, where he works in a sorority house as a server. He used to be very quiet. Now when you meet him, he initiates a conversation, asking how you're doing. He is now working as a summer intern at a power company and will be a junior in college in the fall.

If your family needs him to work, I would certainly explain that to him and ask him to get a job. (That will kind of force him to get his driver's license.) Otherwise, I would just continue what you're doing. It's worked so far.

My son is 16 and I would suggest maybe initiating a night where you and he go out to eat, just the two of you so you have to talk. My husband usually teaches one night a week so my son and I took the night to go out, he really talks to me about things. I have two older daughter's that are out of the house and I never had a communication problem with them, my son used to be a different case, we have reinforced the idea that he can talk about anything without consequences as long as he initiates the conversation. Believe me those talks were rough and we had a hard time not coming down hard on him sometimes after a tough conversation, but we saw that he wanted to change things and he is a very well rounded, confident, grown-up young man.
If your son is a gamer, he probably has friends that he 'sees' on the internet to play these games with, I think this can be good or bad, just keep an eye on what he's doing while he's there. There are some good programs that help you monitor what they do while on the internet. Good Luck, he's probably just going through a stage, just don't do as my mother and let him stay home doing nothing until he's well into his 40's LOL!

I found it very helpful to learn about people's "colors". It is a user-friendly Meyers-Briggs personality traits system. We learned to spot characteristics that belonged to orange people (fun-loving social people), green people (intellectuals who don't follow fashion trends), gold people (super-organized and well-groomed), and blue people (the kind of persons who make good doctors, sincerely caring about others). We learned that if you were a boss in a big company, you'd put an ORANGE person as your receptionist, but you'd never make a work-group of ALL orange people - because they'd laugh and nothing would get done. Laurie Beth Jones (lauriebethjones.com) teaches the same system but uses the "elements" instead of "colors." Your son sounds like a "water". Calm on the surface, easy-going, avoiding conflict, running deep. Laurie Beth teaches that we need to recognize the differences between fire, earth, wind, or water people and learn to appreciate the strengths of those personalities. People like your son are the ones who put a man on the moon! However, at age 16, in order to start preparing him for college, the first thing you can do is STOP doing his laundry. Give him 1 day, and 1 day only, when the washing machine is all his. If he doesn't get his laundry done on that day - - too bad. He must wait til next week. (LOVE & LOGIC is a great book. Another mom already recommended it and I second it.)

I agree with making him get a job, or doing other things to get him out. There are also organizations and clubs out there for gamers and other tech geeks (and I mean geek in the most loving way - my husband is a geeky guy), he should look into them if he doesn't know about them already. His school might also know of some clubs or have programs for him to join.

But, I also wanted to throw something else out there. Is it possible that he might have social anxiety? You might want to talk to him about it, or have him talk to his doctor if it's something you are concerned about.