16 Year Old Son Ran Away 2 Weeks Ago

I found this site through a lonely move on my part, last week I put into a Google search box, "my 16 year old son ran away" and one of the threads here at mamapedia came up. It was really really helpful to hear the viewpoints on how to handle things, and it was the turning point for me to try to stop focusing on "how could he" and start thinking about “why did he and how can I help him.” It does hurt big time to know that he doesn’t see home as a haven, I would almost rather have an entitled, never-wants-to-leave kid than one who so readily gives up what I have tried to make a decent home.

I am still at a loss, though. I have re-read the posts. Folks seem to mainly fall into two camps, either go get the kid and drag him back (PINS warrant, cops, etc) or approach with openness, unconditional love, etc.

I have done a little of both. Here’s what happened, I’ll try to snip it down. My son just finished his junior year, and he is 16 years old, born late in the year, young for the class. On the last day of school, the day when the kids were just supposed to go get the report cards, nothing else, and also a day when he was supposed to go to an orientation for a college course he was taking this summer, I went to work as usual, and he went off to school, I thought. He texted throughout the day, or replied to my texts, lying that he was where he was supposed to be at each stage of the day, lied about being at school, seeing report card, getting grades, then lied about heading to the orientation, etc. Once he knew I was home he texted me to look at his computer. There was a note “I am leaving, I can’t live with you.” That was two weeks ago yesterday. I may sound calm here but I am losing my mind. I wish I had a husband around (and I am basically past that) so I could quit my job and just focus on my kid. I am walking around like a zombie, and in top of it, basically lying to everyone because I have told very few people. I told my boss because I did miss a week of work the first week.

Without rehashing the whole thing, and the horrible first few days (it is bad now but I am numb, coping), I filed a missing persons report to super reluctant police about 3am the first night. He had and has been texting me throughout this whole time so they were reluctant to take the report, but I spoke with many cops that first night, and one told me they have to take it, insist, so of I did.

Since he isn’t on meds or disabled, this is seen as a non-emergency, and I get that. I also don’t want him dragged home in cuffs, not because I can’t bear it, etc, but because he will just leave again. He said this in the note, and even if that is just bravado shouldn't he want to come home?

Up until a few days ago, he was answering almost every text and I have been beside myself and so have texted him a lot. (PS our plan is a “Go Phone;” I have no credit, so it is like a cash card. Talking is expensive; the texts are unlimited for a fee, so we go with that. So everything is texting, and I am way too old for this). Anyway he kept saying that he is keeping me informed so I won’t worry, so I will know he is okay (but this has dropped off and now I haven’t heard from him in 24 hours). A day or so ago he said he shouldn't have to answer each text.

His note said he couldn't live with me anymore. Things are not always hunky dory but they are generally calm. What I see as the big problem on my end is I am definitely an overbearing mother. I get really nuts if he doesn’t bathe, take care of his skin, and I bug him until he does. I am up his butt about schoolwork, which he lately lies and says is done when it isn’t anyway. He is “smart” but lazy. His grades have been bad this year. They are always about a B or C. Not living up to his potential, that whole thing. Maybe I was kidding myself, but he did seem to really enjoy his alone time as well, he is a musician and a writer and a dreamer of sorts. I always need to know where he is, and did not go out a lot, hang out a lot, he says because he hated that I would need to have the phone number. He is stubborn that way and I guess I should have seen that something like this might be coming.

He also, for the last year or so, has been very reluctant to have me buy him clothes, a new phone, or anything (not like I am rolling in dough, but even logical purchases he might need). He is a punk rocker type so that whole mindset is anti-establishment, etc, and he walks around in kind of run-down clothes, he hates Abercrombie, etc and likes to shop thrift, which works for me because I am a single mom and don’t have a lot of money. But he just seems to HATE to take any money from me, which seems admirable but it hurts. It is my job to support him. When he was saying way back when that he would attend college, he was fixated on how much it would be and wondering how he could pay for it; he didn’t want me to pay for it. He says he sees that my taking help from a parent for so long isn’t healthy and has led to my being a bad money manager (not nice to hear, this sentiment came out in a fight once, but it is true. Sucks, though, to have your kid sees these faults).

My point saying all this is that he isn’t a kid who is going to be stressing without his car (no car), privileges (he had plenty of freedom to pursue things he wanted but not ones involving lots of money or THINGS). He has said he needs to do this; he will make it on his own or die trying, etc.

He wrote in his note that with two of his friends leaving for the summer he felt he might as well do this now. I think transitions are very hard for him, always have been, he has been a troubled kid (it has lessened, or changed into different things, over the years). We see a family therapist, I told him what was going on; he has tried reaching out to no avail. He keeps asking me if I passed on his message, as if he is wondering why my kid isn’t getting back to him.

PS My son also announced a few months ago that he is not going to college, I got very upset, etc, but the long and short of that was that I have not mentioned college since then, I am trying to back off. When I asked him about the college course this summer, he said, I’ll still go. Now I don't think he ever planned to go.

He is a sensitive and caring kid, let me stress, when he did call and we actually spoke (this happened just twice since he has been gone, after I kept texting that I needed to speak with him, it took like 30 requests) he said mom you have to admit this is the first real selfish thing I have done, and while this isn’t true, hello, as far as a lot of kids go, he just does not ask for much, and maybe that is because of the up and down finances in the home. Who knows. So while this is true, that he is usually pretty considerate, I told him that it doesn’t excuse what he is putting people through. The first week, the first days, I was LIVID and could not believe the selfishness of this kid. I am not young and I and my friend were running all over the city looking for him.

Sorry to go on so long, I just want to give the main pieces of this: I have not told anyone in my family except one of my brothers who I really don't get along with but with whom my son has a nice over-the-phone relationship (he lives in another state). I asked him to reach out, he did; has only received one reply early on. I can’t tell the rest of my family. In the beginning it was because I definitely felt humiliated and didn’t want to be judged, but now over these days that have passed, I realize that they will be so worried, and while I still don't want to be judged, and still feel humiliated and wonder how I screwed it up so badly, that is fading and I realize folks will really be worried and I have no answers for them and it is trying to rehash it over and over, even with the few people I have told who are helping me.

If what my son says is true (who knows), after the first night which he says he spent on a subway bench, which kills me, he seems to be on the couch of someone who is over 18. I can’t believe he still has money but he says he does. I am afraid of a million things, but I am most immediately afraid that he will run out of money and perhaps jump a turnstile to get on the subway or shoplift to eat and get arrested, and I am afraid once that situation is done he will go to a worse one.

There is a detective who called. He said he had to close it out officially since my son is keeping in touch and they know he is “okay” but he will keep helping. Anyway he has a list of phone numbers my son has been texting or receiving texts from and is calling them. I provided these to him. I texted my son that I have to do this by law, I guess I was making excuses but I really don’t think he realize that whether he likes it or not he can’t just leave and be on his own and no one will pay attention unless he is emancipated. If I can use the detective more as the bad guy in this scenario this is fine. Lots of parents do this, a good cop/bad cop approach and as any single parent can tell you, we miss this as a possibility! Sometimes it gets very intense just you and your kid with no buffers. The detective seems to lose patience at times, he says he has kids, I asked him what would you do, he said, take him by the throat. I said; well okay what if that isn’t an option? He thinks I am being too soft.

My son has texted that he won’t meet me, he can't see me, not until he has a job or a place to live; these seem to be markers he has set for himself. He also may think I am trying to trick him because I have done a pretty much about-face, I am not telling him he is wrong or ungrateful, etc, now I am just asking if we can meet somewhere neutral so I can see him and hear how things are going and make sure he is alright. He says now that the detective is calling his friends that he doesn’t trust me, etc. I told him what a PINS warrant is and said if I was going to have you dragged home I would have done that already.

That was Sunday evening, I haven’t heard from him since late that evening. It is now Tuesday morning. Any advice would be appreciated.