16Yr Old Daughter - Intense Fear of Touch

I don't have any ideas, but please do keep the lines of communication open with her. Continue to love and support her. You can't help until she communicates with you.
Best wishes!! :)

Hi. I have no personal experience with this issue, but one idea popped to my mind immediately. Does she have a pet? I know many hospitals and rehab centers use animals as a way for people that are suffering to give and receive love and to connect. Animals are "safe" recipients of love for many people and can be immensely comforting. I am not suggesting that your daughter's issues could be in any way completely "cured" by petting a cat, but it could just a baby step way for her to work on her issues with touch and trust. Just a thought that I had. I hope your daughter continues to work (as she obviously has with so much effort) on these issues and continues to improve. HTH

I definitely think contacting her therapist is a good idea - you may want to ask your daughter if she agrees. In the mean time, here's a suggestion you could discuss with your daughter.
Teenage girls are very exuberant, some almost fling themselves at their friends to give them a bouncy, enthusiastic high school hug and maybe even a kiss. Think a great big, hyper, almost full grown laboratory retriever puppy and a kid afraid of dogs. The lab will jump up, lick the kid on the face, and for someone not expecting or welcoming this, they'll either stiffen or be knocked down.

My suggestion to your daughter is for her to approach one of her friends that she trusts and is most relaxed with and to ask that girl to give her a hug - just a little one. She should do this on her own terms and in a setting where she is most relaxed.

She may never build up to being bowled over by the St. Bernanrds in the group, but maybe she can handle the one-armed squeeze around the shoulders.

H.,
I think you are doing a GREAT job supporting her through all her problems. I admire you. Just never give up! A good therapist and age will eventually help her but your support is the most important thing right now.
I’m not a therapist or have any degree in Psychology or Psychiatry but I’ve dealt with her same problem for many years. I'm now 47 but it took me about 30 years to figure out that I was actually NOT too weird. Back in my native country I resented crowds and situations of excessive noise but I didn’t know why. People over there LOVE being bunched together. I stopped going to church because even if the other benches were empty someone always sat next to me! If I moved away, they followed me. Same thing happened if you were standing in an almost empty bus! They are all like penguins over there!
Here I still get distressed when I have to wait in a line and people touch me, but at least now I know what my problem is, so I usually try to avoid those situations as much as I can. I finally have labeled myself as being claustrophobic in general. I always put an object like the shopping cart or a bag between me and the others to create space around me -and I give them the evil eye if they rub against me more than once! (anger control is another of my issues)
In this country most people are very understanding, though, and tend to respect personal space. Whenever I find myself about to lose control, I tell the people around me to please give me space, that I have an issue with claustrophobia. It’s actually quite funny. The people that don’t know what the word means run away from me like I was contagious, the others, politely, step aside a bit, and so I handle the situation without major meltdowns.
Please tell your daughter that it’s OK. That MANY other people go through this “No- touching” thing in various degrees, and for different reasons, and that we all manage to learn to handle it. She’s not alone. It usually gets worse when we are stressed out but really improves when you are happy. It almost disappears and you forget that you have that problem….until next crisis strikes. But at least you know that it will get better eventually. That’s why is important that she accepts that it’s part of her personality and that is not such a horrible thing. I actually didn’t start hugging people in a heart-felt way -asides my boyfriends- until I was almost 30. I’ve met many people that have told me that they aren’t huggers. It’s not so uncommon. She’s not that weird!
I cannot abide loud music or drums. I also feel like strangling barking dogs and noisy neighbors but….you do what you have to do. You have to find your own tricks to deal with the problem. I’ve been sleeping with ear plugs for 15 years (can’t live without them!) Before I married my current husband I always chose to live in houses in quiet neighborhoods or roads -top floor, if it was a shared house. I have never taken any medication for my problems but many times I wish I had, specially when utterly depressed (but I had monetary issues and no health insurance so that was no possible at the time). Please tell her never to get to the point where she’s desperate. Medication is out there to help her jump over the bumps on the road.
Life changes you. I have now a 4 year old that doesn’t stop talking and making noise all day long and guess what? I let him play the drums, the harmonica and whatever he wants whenever I’m happy. Whenever I’m stressed out I just tell him that is not a good day to make music. I hug him and my husband as much as they let me but I sleep in a corner of the bed or go to the guest bedroom when I need to be alone. If people love you or respect you they’ll understand that you need your space a bit more than other people.
Anyway. Please, tell you daughter that life is funny and takes many turns. There’s always hope for a happy tomorrow. She just needs to believe that she can have a very happy life….even if she has to take many detours or takes a bit longer than she would like.
Like I said before, I’m 47. I’m also about to start my second semester in college in the hopes to become a High School Spanish teacher. I calculate I’ll be 60 when I finally get my certificate, LOL! (I’ll be working as a teacher assistant while I go to school). Finally got the family I wanted for so many years and I’m very happy overall –even though this darned economy is making us tighten up our belts a bit (sight)
It’s hard to be 16 and even harder to deal with insecurity issues. Hope your daughter can see the light ahead and find the tricks that will make her life easier.
Please, H., send me a note if she ever wants to talk to someone with her same kind of problems. I seem to have a “green thumb” with teens and she won’t be the first one I’ve had helpful chats with.
If YOU want to talk to me, please, give me a call at ###-###-####. I’d love to lend a hand.
Warm regards,

L.

PS: I teach homeschoolers in a nearby church and also from home (Art and Spanish) I had a quite successful art career before moving up here and having my son. People are starting to know me around here (I don’t know if they are still available but I wrote a few articles on the Hudson Valley Parents Magazine Online a few months back (on multilingualism). http://forums.hvparent.com/forums/)
PS 2: I’m now considered a “hugger”

Hi H.,
I recently saw Oprah show and she featured several people with different fears. Go to her website and search for the program.
Another recommendation for you and your children, I highly recommend to get Dr. Daniel Amen book " Change your brain, change your life!"
Many imbalances have to do with our brain and body. Especially being deficient of very important nutrients. He also talks about ADD. And I highly recommend to clear out your home of carcinogens, like all your cleaning products and laundy products that you have been buying in drugstores or grocery stores.
Check out: www.saferforall.net
For more info you can always contact me at: ____@____.com
Hope that helps.
C.

Hi H., Your post has moved me to respond even though I have no experience with this issue. I am glad you are such a good mom and that your husband loves you unconditionally. I think you should call her therapist, leave this to a professional. You may get responses from others who do have experience with this. I will say a prayer that you can get her additional help. My grand daughter was a little resistant to hugs and kisses from other than her parents but seem so have warmed up now that she is 13. We being Italian are always hugging and kissing. Many blessings in the New Year, Grandma Mary

My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I also have a daughter, now 20, who went through many things like you are describing. We did many therapies, but the one that helped with this particular problem, was called LENS created by Dr. Len Ochs. Some web sites about this can be found at neurofunction.com, ochslabs.com, or stonemountaincenter.com. Best of luck to you and your daughter.

Dear H.,

I first want to say that you sound like a great mom who gives her all to her children. My first question is are you sure that no one has abused or physically hurt her? I completely understand where you are coming from because I experienced similar issues with my son. He suffered from depression in his teens, felt worthless, would talk about wishing he was dead etc. It was by far the scariest time of my life. He had a very low self-esteem and was extremely self destructive. Most of his issues were friend issues and him trying to stay on track because of the values that were instilled in him from my hubby and I . His friends were all getting into trouble and were rejecting him because he was getting good grades, in the gifted program, and basically was a good kid. By 16 his grades slipped, he dropped out of the gifted program, started smoking pot, and gave into the pressures because he could not handle the rejection from his peers. He just wasen't strong enough with his own self worth and was definitely not a leader. He would get into trouble and then fall apart when he saw the disappointment on my face. I was truly afraid that at one point he would take his life. It could be anyone, even someone she is close to. We made it barely through high school and forced him to go to college. He lived home because he was not stable enough to live away. It wasen't until his junior year that we started to see the light. He ended up graduating with a 3.0 and a business degree. It took him a little longer but he did it. After years of therapy and finding the right therapist he finally opened up and pulled himself out of the depression he was in. My son consumed my life, when he was in pain I was in pain. I never thought he would find his way. As ironic as it is he became a residancial councilor in an orphanage for emotionally disturbed kids. Mostly teens who have been taken from their parents because they could not handle them or care for them. Most have emotional problems as well as behavioral problems. This job was the best therapy for him and really has turned him around. He is loved by the kids and really feel like he makes a difference and most of all he realizes how lucky he really was. Peer pressure and rejection from friends can really take a toll on kids no matter how good of a parent you are and trust me I was a very involved mom (that's why he always got caught because I was always checking on him) Acceptance from their friends is the most important thing in the world. I would tell him how wonderful he was and how much potential he had and his answer would be you have to say that your my mom!!! Like your daughter he would always come to me when he was down and I would just freeze with fear. I would be up just watching him all night to make sure he was okay. I think that is the secret to him not taking his life is the closeness we had as a family. He is now going to be 24 in Feb and when we were out for Christmas Eve dinner he looked me in the eye and said mom when I have kids I am going to raise them just how you raised me. I almost cried because I thought for so many years I must have screwed up to have a son with so many issues. So hang in there get her back to the therapist and just keep supporting her she will come around. If you stay strong and let her know you will never give up on her she will pull through. Good luck my prayers are with you and your family!!!

Hi H., I think your sensitivity to your daughter's needs is a wonderful thing. She is fortunate to have such an involved, understanding and supportive mother. I am a therapist, and while I certainly don't have all the answers, I do have an obvious bias. As you know, depression is a cyclical illness - it is likely to return. Because of that fact and the fact that your daughter has struggled with self injurious behavior and explosive anger in the past, if it were me, I think I would want to contact her therapist for some guidance and assistance as you said you were planning to do. I think it is a good thing to intervene earlier rather than later, to help her get a handle on some of this behavior before it becomes more of a problem for her and more isolating. I think she has told you the most important thing; it is beginning to interfere with her life, and so now you both need to take action to get her some assistance. She is a lucky girl to have a caring mother like you. Best of luck. A.

My oldest son had similar aversion to touch. He has Asperger's syndrome. Asperger's may respond to OT (Occupational Therapy.) Does she have other sensory issues (sounds are too loud, dislike of certain textures of food, picky about clothing?) These are often symptoms of Asperger's sensory defensiveness.

Fear of touch can also be a sympton of Obsessive-Compulsive disorder (OCD), especially if she is afraid of germs. Is she only afraid of touch from people? Or does she not like any touch? OCD usually can be helped with medication and therapy.
Those with Asperger's tactile defensiveness seem to tolerate firm touches better than light touches. It also helps if they can be in control of the touch. We taught our son to extend his hand for a handshake when meeting someone, to avoid that person attempting to hug him.
We had him on a brushing program, where we used a special brush on his skin to help desentize him. We also gradually introduced many tactile sensations: playing in sand, water (he still doesn't like water), finger paints, etc. He had a delayed hall pass in high school to avoid him getting bumped by others in the hallways. He also went through an auditory training program (not covered by insurance) to help him tolerate sounds.

Definitely work with a therapist or OT. Good luck.

I do not know much about your situation but I have a friend who is a pediatric occupational therapist. I would start with contacting an occupational therapist regarding sensory dysfunction. Just a thought. If you search "sensory dysfuction" on google, see if she fits some of the categories.

H., please look into EFT. This is something your daughter can do on her own although you may want to bring her to a therapist the first time. This is leaps and bounds ahead of any other type of therapy for fears.

Homeopathy can also be helpful. No touch needed. One session with a professional to find out the proper remedy may be all that's needed.

Oddly enough many "psychological" problems are related to nutrient deficiencies in the brain. Amino acids in particular, B Vitamins, essential fatty acids are the most common ones. Chemicals in the household, personal care items, etc may also cause a brain allergy.

If you want to talk further about this, just message me and we can arrange it. Don't worry too much about it. I'm sure one of these suggestions will work. Start with EFT since it's likely going to be the easiest, cheapest and most effective. If the problem comes back you will know it's more than likely from a deficiency or other imbalance.

I think you might want to get your daughter evaluated for Sensory integration issues. A certified OT would be able to help with a diagnosis. Often sensory issues are the root cause of some mental health issues. You might want to check out the book "The Out of Sync Child". Best wishes.

Just a quick thought after reading your note... you are doing a terrific job and should be proud of yourself as well! You have brought your daughter a very long way and your communication with her sounds very special and open... I unfortunately do not have any direct advice for you and think this should be brought to her therapist for advice as he/she knows her the best.
I just wanted to congratulate you on your efforts and your support and unconditional love for your child.
P.

H.,
Your daughter is a smart girl, she came to you with her feelings and wants to get help. Call her therapist and get her the help she needs. Growing up I did not want to be touched either but I never told anyone. I wore long sleeve shirts and pants and I stayed away from people as much as I could. In my case I was being abused both physically and mentally, but I forced myself to have a boyfriend even though he too abused me. Finally I met the most wonderful guy in college and learned that touching wasn't a bad thing. I wish I had the resources available that you and your daughter do, as I had to work through this on my own and trust me it was extremely difficult. Do whatever you can to help your daughter and give her a hug for me when she is ready, but in the meantime tell her I am sending her virtual hugs.
Hugs,
T.

I would definitely get her back into therapy. It is possible that her fear is associated with something else. Maybe there is more that she doesn't know how to tell you, something that happened. She's being open with you, and asking for help, so take it further and get her the professional help she needs at this point. It sounds like you have raised an incredible daughter so far.

I am sensory defensive and had similar issues when i was her age. Some of it I outgrew, particularly the extreme aversion to touch. I suspect some of it is hormonal and some of it is neurological. From what I understand, assistance from an occupational therapist could be helpful. It might be something to look into.

M.

Being 16 there are a few more pressures today than years past, and this may be one way of expressing the fear of those pressures. If you want, here are a few tricks I would like to offer.

One, ask your daughter if there is the possibility of guys in her social gatherings which she is trying to avoid, and let the conversation go from there. I know this is a wierd questions, but when coming of this age, pulling away from all social touching can also be a way for avoidance of sexual advances. If she doesn't get close to anyone, then she will not be approached by a guy in that manner as well. You said that the fear was creeping back, so I assume it was overcomed to your knowledge until now. Don't forget to enforce to her that if she has any moments of akwardness or if she just doesn't want to be touched, that it is ok. Let her speak up and not be ashamed to have these feelings. I hope she doens't think she is wrong for feeling this way. We all feel like that at some point. Other feelings sometimes just last longer than some. Maybe work with the rest of your family, and if not too embarassing for her, with her teachers as well, and inform them to either ask first, or just not to at all, make physical contact until she is able to overcome this.

Second, you can also ask her if it is just the acutal feeling of people, or the feeling of anything (cats, dogs, inclosed spaces, tight rooms.) She may just be experiencing issues with tight quarters and feel suffocated when others are invading her space. Hugs and other physical contact could make her feel constricted and cause the wrong reactions. If so, maybe for a while give "Hand Hugs". We did this with my son for a while when he didn't want us to pick him up or touch him for real hugs. Whenever we wanted a hug, we just enterlaced our finders and squeezed, giving 'hand hugs'. We also did finger kisses. We would kiss the tip of our finger and then touch just the fingers. It was a great way to keep contact yet let him have his space.

A third option is having a little type of game with her. If she is having an issue with the actual feeling of someones hand, or the actual skin contact more than anything, get a few different types of textures and ask her which ones she likes best. Does she avoid cold, hot, rough, soft, spiney, sticky, etc. I know this ones sounds a little odd for a 16 year old, but it does work younger children and can maybe give you an idea of something.
Background: my oldest had issues with touching for a little while, and we found it was the texture of things/skin he did not like. We worked with soft bristle cat brushes, combs, felt, cotton, sattin/silk, pillow stuffing, etc to see what he was more confortable with and went from there. It's a process, but it can give you an idea.

I don't have a child with a fear of touch but over the years I have developed an aversion (not fear) to being hugged and/or touched so I can kind of relate. I don't know why I developed a dislike for people touching me and invading my personal space but once I told people, relatives, etc. they are fine with it. If I'm in a very emotional situation, like someone was just in an accident or if someone close to me just died then a hug or two doesn't really bother me. The only person I don't have a problem hugging is my son and depending on the situation, my husband. As far as just being touched it really depends on the situation too. I don't ever have people randomly touching me; I shake hands regularly and that's fine, it's part of my job but like I said no one puts a hand on my shoulder or grasps my hand in conversation, it's not common at all.
If what your daughter has is a fear, then yes, I would have her see her therapist again but if it's just a simple dislike of touching and she is fine with it but others have the problem then it doesn't seem like it's that big of a deal. - I hope this helped but I could be way off base.