18 Year Old Son

He clearly does not understand what could happen or he would not be messing with this girl. She is a child and he could spend the rest of his life on the registry if he does not stop what he is doing. That will ruin his life, many on the list for child offenses end up homeless and jobless because no one wants to hire them or let them live near them. If it is truly love then they will wait until she is legal to begin dating each other.

He's 18. If he doesn't want to follow your rules, let him move out. Stop paying the insurance on his car and his phone bill. If he wanrts to make his own rules, let him get his own place and pay his own bills.
You can't stop him dating the girl - her parents are the only ones who can, and they are appraently okay with the relationship.

Wow, what a dilemma! I agree with the other posters that he is on a terribly risky path. I, too, know of two individuals who are "sexual offenders" because they "dated" a 15 yr old at 18 - the one person is now in his 40s and has spent nearly $100,000 trying to get his conviction overturned. He cannot live within so many miles of a school, cannot rent (has to own his home), and cannot even eat lunch with his two boys at school - it is a violation of his conditions as a sexual offender (being on school property). Very, very serious. However, I am willing to bet that you are on the money when if you show him these types of articles, his response is "that won't happen to me." Teens think they are infallible - why should he be any different.

I guess if he is going to be making grown up decisions, like breaking the law, I would cut him off monetarily and tell him he cannot live under your roof. You can provide all the moral support and love in the world, and continue to do so. However, anything else he is going to have to do on his own. I would look at it like if any of my kids were engaging in unlawful activities, I would still love them, but they couldn't live in my home and do it. My future and the future of my other children could be jeopardized.

This is a tough decision for you and I wish you all the best.

BTW: in the one instance, the mom who "loved the boyfriend" called the cops when he broke up with the girl - the other instance, it was a relative of the girl who turned them in. It doesn't have to be reported by just the parents to cause the problem.

Why isn't your son paying for anything? You even bought him his own car,
I hope that some of that money he earns working part time is paying for his own expenses. At 18, he should be compelled to partially support himself.

Kids tend to take for granted things that are handed to them on a silver platter. I think it's time you start making him pay for some of his expenses. It helps them grow up a lot, when they start feeling the pain of having to work for a living.

Help your son grow up, and maybe he won't be so interested in 15 year old girls. He sounds immature, which isn't uncommon in 18 year old guys.

I agree with B's response. I am copying and pasting part of it because I think it's so important for your son:

"He's making some money so let him pay for his own phone.
If he needs the car to get to school (is he going away or is he living at home and commuting to school?) then help him pay for it as long as his grades are kept up.
If his grades fall off and he's not serious about college then he can get a full time job and pay how own way - including rent to you is he's living with you."

Suggestion: Prepare to see his name on the sexual predator websites! I work in criminal law and you can tell him for me that we have represented MORE THAN ONE young man who thought the same thing your son did - we are in love and it won't happen. Problem is, her parents are not "in love" with him and all they have to do is get mad for any reason or no reason and make a phone call to the police or district attorney, In just one minute of anger, they have the ability to ruin his entire life.

As for the rest, I would take back the car and quit paying for the cell phone and quit asking where's he going and what he's doing. He apparently wants to be an adult, so treat him like one. Don't do his laundry, cook his meals or pay for anything for him. He's working part time - let him learn how to manage his money and pay his bills on time. It's tough love, he'll be mad now, but 10 - 15 years down the road, he'll thank you.

could you have a police officer talk to him about what will happen when he gets arrested for being with this 15 yr old? maybe seeing/ hearing from somone other than mom and dad may shock him to reality.

In New England it's my understanding that any sexual act (not just intercourse) with a minor can have pretty severe consequences. There may be an age difference consideration. I understand why you are concerned. It could ruin the rest of his life. Not worth it.

As for the money - even my kids pay for their cell phones (much younger). That's an easy fix. Just stop paying. He should contribute.

Same for college. Ours are already saving - we expect them to pay part of the cost. Best way to ensure kids will take it seriously.

Good luck - not an easy one.. especially if he doesn't care about the consequences.

He's making some money so let him pay for his own phone.
If he needs the car to get to school (is he going away or is he living at home and commuting to school?) then help him pay for it as long as his grades are kept up.
If his grades fall off and he's not serious about college then he can get a full time job and pay his own way - including rent to you as he's living with you.

As for the 15 yr old girlfriend - yes they are probably having sex - her parents may not care (some don't) - make sure he has a supply of condoms.
And while not putting this girl down at all - talk up about how exciting it will be to meet new people and friends at college.
He should get involved in college clubs/activities - and he might see that hanging out with a high school girl is kind of a drag.
They might break up eventually - or not.
It would not be good for them to get pregnant and for him to have to pay for child support before he has an education and a career in place.
If it is true love - then he should care enough about her to make a good future for himself so he can support her and his future family in a good life style - and that means getting his degree and getting a good job.

If I were in your shoes, I would talk to a lawyer. I would get good advice. I do NOT know the laws in your state (and don't know if you really live in VT). I would want to know if your son can be labled a sex offender by the authorities for having sex with a 15 year old. I would want to know if the girl's parents can have him arrested. They might not always think he's a nice boy.

If it would work and if your lawyer agrees with it, I'd want a notarized letter from her parents stating that they are okay with your son having a relationship with their daughter. I have no idea what the lawyer would say about this, but I think it's worth asking him or her.

Honestly, if she's considered underage, I'd keep trying to keep him living in your home. At the point she is no longer underage, and your lawyer agrees that he can't be charged with having sex with an underage girl, I would tell him that he needs to find another place to live until he can decide that he wants to be a college student or not. Your son needs to grow up and letting him stay at home on "easy street" is not the answer.

Either he helps in the house, doing chores that help with the family, lets you know where he is and what he's doing, or he finds another place to live. Someone will rent him a room and he can pay rent from his part time job. And he can pay his own insurance - you need to take him off of yours. If he has a wreck on your insurance, you will be liable for it.

If he lives on his own, with his own address and paying his own bills for a full year, and he will not be considered your dependent. He can get financial aid for going to college. He'll have money for a place of his own and will have no one to yell and complain to if he doesn't make good enough grades to keep his financial aid. That'll make him grow up.

You need to show him tough love after you find out what's what legally. Get a lawyer and work this through.

I think you need to sit down with expectations for things like grades and clarify what you'll pay for and what you won't. If you pay for his insurance, is his part of the deal that he gets As and Bs? If you pay for a cell phone, you get to choose what kind of phone (no upgrades on a whim) and what service plan. Etc. We paid for my sks' car insurance the first year. We pay for books. We do not pay for their phones. Their mother did, til SS graduated college. My SD works PT to cover her groceries and utilities and miscellaneous expenses. My SS did not work, but he also got an academic scholarship so keeping up his GPA was his "job".

So if he's living in your home, he should follow your expectations. I'd let the strings looser. No curfew but please tell you when he'll be out all night. That kind of thing. IMO, find the balance (hard, I know) between treating him like he's in HS and him treating you like a roommate. If this living situation doesn't work well, encourage him to move into his own apartment or dorm. I would very simply say these are the rules for living rent free in my home and you can follow them or find other accommodations.

And remind him about birth control.

By the way, a recent, relevant news story: http://patch.com/michigan/grossepointe/lie-lands-teen-19-...=

This is not easy! They are kids that think they can handle this !

I would call the parents there and MAKE SURE they are supervised at ALL times. Tell the parents you and your husband spoke and cut the time ??? Her parents sound like doormats !!!

When.my daughter was younger, my husband and I both walked up to the door and told the parents what we expected...and that was supervision. One of my friends used to let her daughter do what she wanted because she "trusted" her and she told me that I was too conservative. After something terrible happened and the law was involved...She told her daughter exactly what was expected!

This generation of kids is not fearful. You do not want your son in HUGE trouble after it is too late.

Try family counseling.

Show him a news article of what happened to someone that had underage
sex.
Then take the car away from him.
Then have him get a job, pay for his gas & car insurance.
The job will teach him the value of money & working hard. Chances are he'll
be a tad bit better about his spending.
The paying for things will teach him budgeting & that money does not grow
on trees.
Also, the job will keep him occupied.

He is breaking the law if they are having sex. If a complaint is made, he's in big trouble!

Tell him he's 18 and he needs to leave. This way you don't have to deal with him any more.

Or you can treat him like an adult that is over the age of having to mind and allow him space to make mistakes while he has the cushion of his parents at home.

I would have to draw the line at the girlfriend though. I'd go to her parents house and speak with them and get to know them. They might be very good at supervising them and not allowing them to be alone or unsupervised. They might have the same concerns as you do and that's why they only allow her to see him at their house. They might not trust that you will be supervising them as good as they do.

Sitting down with them and discussing it can clear the air. It can also let you have more peace about the whole situation.

An 18 year old getting ready to go to college has no business dating a 15 year old, especially one you've never even met. That should have been nipped in the bud long ago. Be that as it may - you have the car and his phone as leverage. Take them away. Simple as that. He may be 18 but he is acting like an adolescent, it sounds like he still has a lot of growing up to do. It's crunch time. Time to finish raising him quick before it's too late.