I have an 18 year old son, soon to be 19, who just started college at Montgomery College over the summer. We have two rooms in the basement and the one he is using is really small. He has been asking to switch to the larger basement room, which we have been using as a playroom for our three younger boys and is where I exercise. The boys rarely go down there to play and when they do it's usually to play the Wii. My husband, who is my older son's stepfather, is dead-set against letting him switch over to the larger room, mainly because he is not paying rent and does not keep the room and bathroom in the basement clean. I'm kind of split because I agree with my husband regarding the not keeping the rooms clean, but I also understand my son's point. He is an adult now and in college, so he would like the larger room so when he has friends over there is a place for them to sit besides on his bed, as well as having a larger space to put a desk where he can do his homework. I just wanted to see what other people's thoughts were.
Funny, I didn't realize it was almost exactly one year ago that I posted my other question regarding my oldest son. To those who read it and wonder if things are still the same or if things have changed, they have definitely changed. He is now going to school full-time and working part-time, as well as helping with the boys at times. He is even taking the four year old to flag football and helping to coach. I'm not sure what got into him, but I'm really glad to see the change!
To the person wondering why he's going to community college and thinking he was not able to get into any other school, that is not the case at all. He did get into each of the four schools he applied to, but they were all out of state and I told him that he would have to take out a student loan if he chose to go to school out of state. We discussed the community college option and getting his core courses out of the way much cheaper and then he can go away his junior and senior years. He agreed that was a better option financially.
As far as the cleanliness part, his definition of cleaning and mine are totally different, which I understand and do not expect him to clean the way I do. He is busy during the week and does his "cleaning" on Saturday or Sunday around his work hours.
He and his stepfather have never really had that great of a relationship and my husband seems determined to keep him in his place and make sure he knows who is the man of the house. My husband seems to be jealous of my relationship with my son and thinks he should just be out of the house simply because he's 18. He's from a different country and was brought up differently than me, so maybe that's where his way of thinking comes in.
A decision still has not been made because I don't want to make a decision that goes against what my husband decides. I did tell my son that even before making a decision, he needs to continue the weekly cleaning but do a better job at making sure things are really clean. I still have to discuss things with my husband and figure out what the best option for everyone would be.
I would let him have it in a heartbeat. He's going to college so I don't understand the rent thing. I would if he were just working and living with you. But I would tell him as an adult he now has to keep the areas clean because that's what we expect of adults.
I think you should let him have it, he is older and needs more space. But, let him know keeping the bathroom clean is part of the deal since he pays no rent
Let him know he can have the larger room. but he needs to keep it clean..
If he does not keep it clean you will begin charging him rent, so you can hire a cleaning person once a week..
And stick with this agreement..
I say be thankful he's living at home & not on campus! I say NO to wanting rent out of him.....instead be very thankful that he's going to school & working towards his future.
& as someone else said....I'd be moving him into that larger room.....right now!
& as someone else also said......does your husband clean his own bathroom? :)
Your son is an adult, treat him as such....& allow him to blossom out of his childhood room! When our son moved back in for hip surgery, he moved into our guest room with my blessings. It gave him a private bathroom, an outside access door, & a much larger space. Saved all of us a lot of heartache!
So compromise, set a time frame that he must keep his room and the bathroom clean and if he does that then he can have the bigger room. Your husband needs to be reasonable and your son needs to have skin in the game.
Whether or not he pays rent while he goes to school shouldn't be used to decide room size, it should be a grade issue.
I think that you need to make an agreement that if you allow him to have the larger room the conditions would be xyz. If the conditions aren't meet he moves back. No negotiating later & stick with whatever rules you lay out
I read the other comments and found that I have a very different opinion than others.
I think that if he has outgrown the space you provide in your home, he needs to move out into student housing. I know that there is a cost involved, but this is nature's way of saying that it's time to grow up...or pay the cost (living in the small room) of living as a child in his parents' home. Being an adult doesn't mean that he gets to call the shots in your home...he only gets that priviledge in his own home!
Regardless of the decision you make about large/small room, there is no excuse for him not keeping his space clean. The most important factor in this whole situation is that you and your husband need to come to an agreement about it and present it together, as a united team.
I have not read any other comments...
He is your son. Hei s going to college (versus sitting around doing nothing). He has the smaller room in the basement so the other kids can have a playroom? That shocks me in and of itself. All of my kids have their personal space first and the leftover space is for fun stuff.
I think he should have hte bigger room. I also agree with your husband that he needs to help with the chores at home if he is living there, but really that should have been required all along, not just because he is getting a bigger room.
The other option is for him to go get his own place, but many college kids can't afford that.
I would probably let him have the larger area as his "living space" with the caveat that he will keep it clean because, on occasion, other family members may use it (such as for your exercise) and if he doesn't keep it clean I will clean it for him which will involve throwing away or donating whatever it is I find just sitting around or the expense of a cleaning person for which he will be responsible. I don't really see why his friends can't just hang out down there as is instead of in his room.
I do not agree that he needs to pay for the larger space. He is still in college. It would be different if he was out of college and had his adult job. I hope that I never become that thirsty for money to make my own kids pay rent. How terrible! When he is out of college and has a job then he can start helping pay a portion of the utlities and groceries. He would also be responsible for all his things such as clothing and stuff. But never rent in his own parents house. That's crazy.
But I do not think there should be an issue with giving him the bigger space. The kids don't use the room as their playroom and his room should be enough space to set up some workout equipment in. So I don't see what the big deal is.
A year ago you were saying that your son was disrespectful and uncooperative. etc. He was working with no plans for college. Has he changed? Does he now show his step-father respect, help around the house, and treat his younger sibs in a healthy way? If so then he should have the larger room. He's going to college, a move in the right direction for his life. I would consider having him live at home as my contribution to his education.
I would make the stipulation that he be respectful and co-operative. I would require that he keep the bathroom reasonably clean and that he follow family rules about food, dirty dishes, etc. in his room. As long as his room is free of spoiled food, excessive dirty clothes that will cause a smell, that is a healthful environment I'd give him the larger room so that he can have friends over.
After your SWH. I'm so glad he's turned around. I suggest giving him the larger room would be a good way to reward him.
I agree that if he wants the larger space he needs to pay for it. Payment can be what you decide it to be and consequences are what you decide them to be, but if he is pulling the adult card then he needs to act like one.
Why must he entertain friends in his bedroom?
When I was in college, I commuted from home because I couldn't afford to live on campus.
Between working and classes, my room was just a place to come home and sleep.
For a few years, between my school schedule and my Mom's work schedule, leaving notes on the fridge for each other was the only way we knew we were both living in the same house.
We were more like room mates.
I did my chores on the weekends.
He doesn't need the larger room.
He needs more of a life outside your house.
I agree, let him have it.. perhaps on condition that he treats it well, gets good grades, and/or contributes to the monthly rent or grocery bill.
College students are sort of different. I would let him move in the larger room. There is nothing that says an adult son who is in college should pay rent. If he was on campus living his housing would come out of his school money so it would cost you more.
He should be treated like an adult but his space should be his space.
He should get the bigger room, but he should also be expected to keep his area clean and continue to comply with the house rules, whatever they may be.
Hi, K.:
It seems your husband feels like your son is not pulling his weight even though he is in college. Is your son working?
He really needs to start paying $25.00 a week.
No, If he wants a bigger room, move out.
Good luck.
D.
I think that letting him move to the larger room is setting up your household for him to stay longer than he probably should. Unless he is paying rent, he should not get any EXTRA space for entertaining, especially since he can't keep clean the space that he does use (but that's beside the point). Your house, your single-family home, your living area is what it is, and his entertaining can be done where everybody else entertains. Otherwise, he needs to move out and make his own way. Where does he suggest the rest of the family move to do what you all do in that larger room? Into his current bedroom? I don't think so.
You and your husband are the adults in your home. You turned it into a home for your family--the two of you and your minor children. The natural order of things is for your children to outgrow their parents' home and leave. If you set him up with some bachelor accommodations, he'll live there 'til he's 30.
I have to agree with your hubby. If he's not paying rent, AND not keeping what he does have clean, then he doesn't deserve anything larger.
At the very least, if he could show me he could/would keep it clean, I would give it more consideration. Also, I believe your son should get at least a part time job and pay some rent. Not much and not because you need/want the money, but because it's good practice for when he moves out. You could charge the rent and bank all the money and then when he does move out, give it back to him in one lump sum to help him get started.
If he's an adult, wanting all the adult privileges and trappings, he should be asking to pay rent in exchange for the upgrade of rooms. If he was being responsible, I am certain your husband would feel differently, but I agree with him...
I can see why your husband is against this idea. Giving over the basement area makes it too enticing to stay--for too long. In my life, I've known quite a few guys who were a bit too happy to live at home for way too long with a nice, spacious basement 'apartment'. Plus the home-cooked meals? The idea is for the kids to grow up and fly away from the nest, not to entice them to stay. :)
Do what helps your eldest son to become a grown-up. If there's no real responsibility at home, how will he manage when you are *really* ready for him to move out?
I would let him have the larger room (unless it's going to cause a major problem with your husband). However, I would make a WRITTEN contract with your son stating exactly what your expectations are. Specifically: keep his space clean enough that you can get through to deliver whatever you might need to. No food left out overnight. The bathroom must remain clean so that anyone else could use it. That kind of stuff. Don't require him to pick up his room to a 2nd grader standard since he's not a 2nd grader, and it's his personal space. The bathroom, though, I'd be more strict about since theoretically the rest of the family might use it.
And... does your son have a part time job? If he does, it's not a bad idea to ask him to pay a token rent. That might help him appreciate the mostly free place to stay (and food too, right?).
One of the responses tipped me off to your past questions about him. I would say he gets the room if he has earned it. Is he respectful of the family? Is he still smoking pot and is that what he plans to do when friends are over in the new room? Is he still getting in car accidents and not telling you? The reward should be based on his behavior. If he is still immature and doing stupid teenage stuff, than forget it, in my opinion. If he is turning into a responsible and respectful man, than yes.
If he's going to community college as a stepping stone to a four year school then why would he need more space? He's going to be leaving in another year to year in a half and if he's living in a dorm he won't have much space either so he should get used to it.
If he ends up staying after community college and still wants more space then he should pay rent for that extra space. If he were living on campus he would be paying room and board. Don't get me wrong, I think while he's at the community college he shouldn't have to pay yet, but there comes a point where he'll need to learn to be responsible about his living arrangements. If he presses for the "I'm an adult now" then he should pay for it like an adult. Personally I hope he's a good kid because I don't know that I would want him using the basement as a "hang out" with his friends if he is or wants to treat it like an apartment.
