I am venting mostly-
I have had to do the hardest thing ever, kick my 18 year old son out. He is a father, so that makes this really hard. Even though his son mostly lives with the Mother, I know my son will withhold my grandson as a way to get back at us for finally holding him accountable for his own actions.I never saw how kicking him out would be a resolution, and still question how it will help. But I have to set boundaries. He is incredibly disrespectful, ungrateful, inconsiderate and refuses to contribute to our household. He says he doesnt listen to me because I am annoying, or he doesnt clean because I too am unorganized in my bedroom, etc. he blames everyone else for his issues.. He is verbally rude, insulting and abusive and gets this way over small things like, not being able to use my laptop, or being asked to take out the garbage.
I have two other children, a 14 year old daughter and a 18 month old son with special needs. I cannot have them live around his behavior. MY daughter is uncomfortable around him and angry that he is so inconsiderate. It is an unhealthy environment for all of us.
He has had many chances to shape up his attitude but because of his issues with any authority figure he wont comply, he told me he hates me and my rules. Me and his father have been nothing but loving toward him and we may be difficult to him, when trying to set boundaries, but we are easy going kind people. He has his gym membership paid, his phone bill paid and has a sitter when he needs one, and needs or wants for nothing but is ungrateful and I feel he doesnt deserve any priveleges any more. He finds a way to be manipulative, cruel, and tries to bully people around him into submission. So I had enough. I have been soo nice for too long, it is time to be strong and get him out to enforce our right to feel safe, and to be treated fairly!
Sometimes the best lessons are learned in the hardest way.
Often, "tough love" works.
Best of luck.
My Mom had to do the same thing with my sister.
It's not easy.
Be strong.
You are doing the right thing.
Good for you mamma. You hit the nail on the head when you described all the things you do for him. That's the problem. He feels "entitled". Do not feel bad because of the grandbaby. He may withhold him for a little while, but believe me, he will need you soon and he will call. Don't cave; call his bluff! Stay strong!
I'm sorry that he's likely to withhold his son from you (that punishes the kid) but I think that sometimes they don't fly unless we shove them. If he can't abide by your rules, he can move out and make his own.
You are doing him a favor by not enabling him any longer. Good for You!
Good luck Mom! Stay strong! A small piece of advice from a wild child who put her mom through hell until I got kicked out. Stay firm in your decisions but don't stop loving him or telling him you love him. It took me a while but I understand why my mom put me out. The part that I struggle with still is that she acted like she didn't love me anymore after she did it. She still acts that way sometimes, but that's another story. It's tough when he's angry and lashing out at you but still remind him that you love him. Good luck to you!
After you get him out of the house change the locks on the doors. That way he cannot come in and do what he wants.
Tough love is hard but it the only way some children learn that they are responsible for their actions and their life. I did it with my son when he decided to go into the Army only to get cold feet. We mommas prepare for the day when the child will leave and that is it - time to move on. He thanked me later when he got married.
Stand your ground as you have two other children watching what you are doing with the oldest one.
the other S.
PS It took me a year to realize that I put him out with my statement of "You may not being going into the Army but you are leaving here today." So he had to go. It was so peaceful in the home. All the extra turmoil and friction in the house was gone.
I'm so sorry to hear this. I think kicking him out will be the easy part, he may even go willingly. Hopefully, you plan to stop paying his bill as well. I think it will be hard because he will realize how much he needs you and want to come back. Then what?
I was also thinking, you didn't mention how your relationship is with the mother of his child, or if you even have one. If you are on speaking terms, I'd call her and let her know that just because you and your son had a falling out, you still want to be in your grandchild's life, and offer babysitting for HER. Then maybe call in a couple weeks and ask HER if you can take your grandchild for the afternoon.
Again, I don't know if this is a viable option in your circumstance - probably not if he is still in a relationship with her - but the young mother may need babysitting, and moral support. She is probably feeling the hurt of his personality also, as will his child.
You have to do what you have to do and sometimes it's not about having to say "no" to him but "yes" to the rest of your family and their right to live in a safe and peaceful environment.
I am sorry you are going through this.
Please read up on the "tough love" material so you will be ready if he tries to force his way back into your home. Maybe this will be the wake up call he needs to "man up" and take responsibility for his actions. You and your other kids do not deserve to be treated like he has been treating you. Good luck and peace.
Good job, mom. I'm so sorry you are going through this. What an emotional and tough decision to make. You did the right thing. Be good to yourself and your family, and don't look back. And be super careful in case he retaliates. ((Hugs!))
good for you!
khairete
S.
Good for you! I have not been in your shoes - but I just wanted to give you a pat on the back - I'm sure it is one of the hardest things you will ever do - but it will probably be one of the best things you've ever done. Hopefully your son will mature in light of this, and start showing you the respect that you deserve. Isn't raising kids the hardest thing ever!!?
You did the right thing. Some people have to learn life lessons from life itself.
He's legally a man now. Instead of choosing to be a college student and study to learn to BE a man, he let himself get a girl pregnant. He didn't step up to the plate where that was concerned. He probably treats her badly too.
I know you love your son, but letting him "want for nothing" just taught him to expect to have what he wants without him having to work for it. Enabling a kid is not helpful.
I have a son in college, mom. Yes, I pay for the majority of his education. He has some loans that I pay in his stead IF he has a 3.0 or better each semester. He knows perfectly well that if he drops below it, he will have to pay back the loan that is in HIS NAME, along with the interest that accrues the day he takes out the loan (not when he graduates.) It's a carrot and stick approach. It also helps him to understand that he is responsible for his grades and the bill if we choose not to pay.
Does he make mistakes sometimes? Yes. We just had a tough talk with him because he was late paying his car insurance. We told him that if he didn't pay on time with the money we provide in his stipend, that we would withdraw the stipend and he could use his summer job money to pay his car insurance. He took care of it. (He thinks that he is too busy to call the insurance company and ask them for the 3rd time why they aren't auto-drafting it from his bank account, and just keeps putting it off.)
Did he like our no-nonsense attitude? No. Did he scream at us, act disrespectful, ungrateful, and tell me that he won't listen because I'm annoying? NO. He doesn't get everything he wants. He has fallen asleep in the airport before and had to spend the night in it because we told him that HE has to pay for a hotel room. It's the way you teach your son to be independent and understand that he doesn't get to continue to depend on you. You have to show some tough love to get him to grow up.
I wish your son understood that like my son does. I'm sorry that he's so awful to you. You don't have the luxury of withdrawing your support little by little - he isn't giving you a choice here, mom.
I am glad that you are putting your foot down.. Look at it this way - you are trying to prevent him from being a loser and a moocher for the rest of his life by teaching him NOW when he's young enough to straighten up.
Sending you strength~
Dawn
Sending you hugs, stay strong.
Good for you to teach him responsibility.
And welcome to Mamapedia!
I am so sorry that it's come to this. This must have been such a hard decision. I believe that you are doing the right thing. Your son is now an adult, and a father (even though he is still a teenager) and he needs to start living his life as a grownup. I'm sorry if this causes you to have less contact with your grandson. They'll probably show up when they're desperate for a babysitter. Hopefully you are close with your grandson's mom and can arrange with her to visit. Good luck, please keep us posted.
I haven't read the other responses, but you did the right thing. Not doing this would only allow him to continue this behavior. He won't withhold your grandchild from you for long, trust me. I moved out at 20 for good. I was pregnant with my first and my fiance and I got our own place and have never moved back in. All of my other siblings have. They have all acted similar to your son, thinking they are grown and don't need parents, but milking the parents for all they are worth. Only when my siblings got out on their own, did they (all but 1 at least) start to show more respect to my parents and grow up.
Good luck, I know this is hard, but you did the right thing.
Love it when they want all the rights of being a grown up without the responsibilities. He'll figure pretty fast how easy his life was up to now. Is he on your cell phone plan? If so let him know when the money is due and how much. If it isn't paid you can have the phone turned off by reporting it as lost. It'll keep the number until he coughs up the money.
If you have a good relationship with your grandson's mom maybe you could contact her directly about setting up visits with the little one. No grandchild should be taken away from a loving grandparent.
You did the right thing. Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest.
Ya I would not be paying for his cell phone or Gym membership if he is disrespectful to you. He needs some tough love Momma!! Tell him to take his attitude and hit the road. Do not just threaten him. He needs a dose of what it's like to grow up.
Tell him he does have an option after moving out. He can come home working a full time job, doing chores, being respectful and behaving like a son should. but he would have to have this job for a month before considering it. You would not longer pay for anything. He would pay YOU for staying at home.
STAY STRONG MAMA! All I have to say is to stay strong and be brave. You have made the first steps towards reclaiming your household and helping your son grow up.
It's really hard, but you did the right thing. Don't change your mind -- this kid needs a long dose of reality to help him grow up.
You are doing the right thing. He is so young and opinionated. His mind is still so narrow. He will mature...but if he is like many males it will take till his 30s. My parents never paid anything for me after I left home. They tried to help a little during college with my tuition but mostly I was on my own to figure it out. You are probably too kind to pay for things for him...stop doing that. He needs to learn to do this on his own.
you did the right thing. so when or if he chooses to ask to come back tell him he can under these conditions-
he must pay X amount in rent
he must pull his weight in the household chores
he is not to be rude to any one
he must pay his portion of the phone bill
he must pay for his gym membership.
and anything else you choose to throw in.
hes 18 now and has a child so he now needs to put his big boy pants on and be an adult. having to pay for everything he wants or has may change his attitude a bit.
Tough Love is a wonderful choice. He doesn't respect your rules and your feelings, so he should move somewhere where he can do what he wants, when he wants, at his own expense and live out the consequences. If you keep enabling him, he will continue to act this way. Your other children do not need to be exposed to this behavior, even if it is from your child/their sibling. He needs a reality check. Asking him to leave should do that. Good luck.
