My son just turned 18 and is a senior in high school. His girlfriend is 19 and graduated last year. They have been together for about a year and I still feel like I don't know her. She doesn't attend college nor does she work. Anytime I mention that there's a job opening somewhere I get an excuse. Of course I then get aggravated and say to my son in front of her that successful relationships require 2 incomes these days he gets upset. He has plans to go to college and share expenses with a buddy. Of course she is going with him and when I inquire as to what she's going to do to contribute he said she doesnt have to work because everything will be 50/50 with his buddy. Of course, I know from experience that wont last long. Then there's the issue of the birthday presents she gave to my 5 yr old daughter and my other 18 yr old son. She colored a picture out of a coloring book and gave one to each of them. Remember, she's 19. There's obviously something not right? What do you think? My son says that no one has ever taken time to show her how to do things and that she thinks a little slower than others. I have no problem helping to guide her since this is who my son wants to be with but I don't know what to do or how to approach the subject. HELP ME PLEASE!! ALL SUGGESTIONS APPRECIATED
Are you helping him to pay for college? If so, have him live in a dorm. She will not be able to live with him there and he will meet many other potential GFs.
It doesn't sound like your son or this girl want your guidance.
From where I am sitting they are both adults and need to make their own mistakes. Your son wanting to share living expenses with a roommate and let his girlfriend live there for free will not work for long and he will find that out. If he plans on being the one earning the money during college - I am afirly certain he will get tired of her not doing anything fairly soon.
The only thing I would INSIST on is that he not get her pregnant. Tell him to wear a condom, heck, get him a "family pack" of condoms. Tell him that even if she is on the pill it is not 100% safe and that he needs to wear a rubber!
Then take a step back and let it unfold... I predict the less you interfere the sooner your son will wise up...
Good luck.
Of course she's immature. She's a teenager. What do you expect?
You're not her mother, so you have no business pushing her to get a job or to attend college. Concentrate on your own minor children.
Your son is only in high school. He's a teenager dating a teenager. I think you're treating their relationship much more seriously than they are and you need to step back. You have no business meddling.
But it shouldn't be 50/50 with the buddy. If I were moving in with 2 people, I would expect that I would be paying 1/3 of the expenses, not 1/2.
She sounds like my mother, who just wants someone to pay for her to not have to work. If I were you, I'd make sure I'd had a good safe sex talk with my son. Make sure he knows that he should ALWAYS wear a condom, don't trust that she's on birth control or an "accidental" pregnancy will probably occur.
You're stepping out of bounds by giving her job suggestions. If she doesn't go to school or work, then her parents are supporting her. Now, if I had a kiddult who had graduated from HS, they wouldn't be living on my dime while not working or attending college/trade school, but since you are not the one supporting her, it is not your business or your place to get involved. The coloring book thing might be odd, but a 5 year old might like this. She isn't required to give her boyfriend's siblings gifts, and as you point out, she does not have a job so she is not earing money to buy presents.
As far as her going with him to college, why is he living off campus as a freshman? Are her parents going to pay for her food and spending money? Your son's friend is surely not going to pay for half of the groceries and utilities when there is a 3 way split of people using them.
Your son and the girlfriend are still teenagers. Your son is still in high school. They are lacking in maturity and adult experience, but you should stay out of their relationship, other than making sure that he has a supply of condoms.
He's 18 , she's 19, They will figure this out one way or another.
If you want to run BOTH of them off... Stay the course of what you are doing now. Nothing pushes them together more than a parent nagging and butting in.
He'll figure it out really fast when he realizes he's paying for her and she's not contributing. That will get old.
Butt out and let things fall into place.
MOST colleges require freshmen to live in the dorm at least 1 year.
Where is her family? Does she have no support, emotionally or financially?
Instead of hating and resenting her, figure out who she is. She might very well be your DIL if you keep trying to push them apart.
The only thing I would pay for is birth control. He will need a job.
You have every right to speak your mind. You have. Now, speak your mind very clearly about birth control and him not ending up a parent with this girl. Let him know the buddy may not be willing to support the 3 way living arrangement. Let him know what you are willing to support. Unless he is fully supporting himself and paying his own tuition, you have every right to express your opinion. And you have every right to pull your support if you don't agree with his decisions. IE girlfriends frequently have a negative impact on grades.....
Stay out of it. Your son will learn in time exactly what this girl is all about and if that is who he chooses to be with then so be it. At the same time she'll also learn that life isn't as she has pictured once they both are in the situation. You can suggest things to your son if you're that concerned but you have no right to suggest things to his girlfriend, she's not your child nor is she your concern. Your son is technically an adult and should be free to make his own choices and so should his girlfriend. There's no way I can see you being able to make a positive impact on the girl solely based upon the fact that you've said anytime you mention a job you get excuses; of course you do, I doubt she wants yet another adult bothering her about what she is doing with her life.
It's their lives, let them live it. Give your son the best advice you can and do your best to help him and your children but keep his girlfriend out of it.
Bite your tongue and let things unfold.
I'll bet when he's enrolled in college, working and socializing he will tire of someone with so little ambition. His world will be opening up in so many ways and if she is just sitting around the house all day she won't be the most interesting conversationalist.
I would also expect the 50% buddy to rethink the math on their arrangement pretty quickly. Living with a couple is not much fun, especially if you're footing the bill for another guy's girlfriend!
it's strange to me that your son doesn't find this alarming....but he is young. so is she.
try to stay out of it (to the extent that they are technically adults, and at the point that he moves out of your house, you really will have no more legs to stand on as far as controlling his relationships). really do try. and keep in mind, chances are VERY slim that this will be a forever relationship. *fingers crossed* he finds a mature girl at college who shows him what a real relationship should be.
Your son is... Co-Dependent.
He is not, rational either.
This is a highly dysfunctional relationship.
It is not just the girlfriend.
Who's paying your son's college tuition?
And how is he going to share expenses with a buddy if he does not have an adequate... income?
Again, Your son is... Co-Dependent.
He is not, rational either.
This is a highly dysfunctional relationship.
It is not just the girlfriend.
Tell son that it is usual for 3 people in a house to split the bills 3 ways. If she is staying at home all day while they are out at school and if roommate has a job and is out even more they're not going to want to pay for her part too.
So he'll need to contribute at least 2/3's towards the bills. Even if she cleans and cooks and takes immaculate care of both guys she will have her own part to pay.
In group homes each person pays an equal portion of the total bills. When one of those person's needs a caregiver to work with them more the bills are reevaluated where the person who needs the staff pays more, where a staff person stays with them such as overnight or they need 24 hour care, since his staff person is using electricity, gas, food, heat, water, etc....that person has to pay for the staff person's keep.
Son won't find anyone willing to support his girlfriend for very long. Isn't he going to be living in the dorms anyway? Don't they require freshmen to live on campus? If so she can't go with him anyway.
BTW, mom, there are a LOT of married couples right out of highschool where at least one of them are full time students and the other is a SAHM, a LOT of couples will start a family while in college.
I agree to stay out of it, he will see what life is when he is in college. You may ask your son for a deal as part of your helping with college (if you are doing that) it's pretty typical for parents to say I will help as long as xyz conditions are met and include something like if you get married TO ANYONE while in school your financial assistance is done. This will hopefully give him more time to grow up and grow out of this relationship before he gets "stuck."
He will figure it out when he leaves for college. Plus three people mean split three ways. Does the other roommate know she is tagging along. Have you ever spoken to her parents? I might speak to them if my son was moving in with her. Maybe to get to know them better, then you would be able to ask some questions. You can have her family over for dinner or pizza.
I get it, I do. My son recently moved out with his long time girlfriend. I really like this girl, she's become a member of the family.
When college didn't work out for my son, my husband got a job for him out where he works. For our at the time 19 year old son, it was damn good money. As soon as she heard that she started looking for places for them.
We were able to get him to stick around for a few months, he made a deal that if he got the job, he would stay home, save almost every penny and go back to school. That didn't happen, she wanted out of her house.
Here's the thing....she has no job. She should not be moving out if she can not help support herself. Then goes and get's food stamps and medical. Yeah, I made my opinion very clear to my son. If you can't support yourself then you don't need to live on your own. She's always looking for job's, but won't apply at the place that will hire and work around her schooling (at least she's still in school, but it's only 2 days a week).
That's all we could do. It's his life, we stated what we felt, and now we move on. That's all you can do.
As for the pictures for birthday present, sounds like something my 20 year old would do. She still loves to color, it really is the thought that counts.
What Jessica and Proudpanmom said.
She does seem a little bit 'off'. I can agree with that. It could have a multitude of reasons why.
But I think I'm with your son on getting upset when you mention stuff that you and he both know is aimed at the girlfriend. I question where your consideration is. That is making your son feel embarrassed NOT because there might be a grain of truth to what you're saying, but that you would have the nerve to say it in her presence. For one, if she's 'off' a little, wouldn't that kind of explain why she doesn't have a job or go to school? You're being critical and lacking compassion. I hardly think you'd be a good candidate for guiding and advising her. It takes compassion to help someone that runs at a slower pace. I'm sorry if I sound harsh but I simply think what you did was out of line and thoughtless. If you're trying to plant a seed or bug in your son's ear, do it privately so she doesn't feel backed into a corner and your son won't be embarrassed that his mom lacks tact.
As for the plan sonny has for splitting things 50/50, I agree that won't last long. The buddy will resent a 2 way split if it realistically and fairly should be a 3 way split.
I'm scared about the 50/50 with his buddy. If I was the buddy and my friend and their boyfriend/girlfriend lived with me I won't be ok with supporting a 3rd person. I don't care if they cooked or cleaned. If they didn't pay rent, food, water, etc. If your son's not worried then let them work it out when the time comes. He will be at school, then work then studying and not much time for her anyways. She will get the wake up call at that time.
