19 Yr Old Wants to Move in with Boyfriend

I moved in with my boyfriend at 19. 12 years later here we are married, 2 kids, one on the way! She is an adult now, let her decide.

She's 19, and this may be "the one" but probably not! She may live with a number of men before finding "the one." I wouldn't cut off a child of mine's tuition for living with someone, but I would remind her that she is living in an adult relationship, and she doesn't need to come running home every time they fight or have a problem -she needs to stick around and resolve it.

She's an adult and needs to make her own choices. I would sit down and have an honest talk with her, explain why you don't like her decission, but you do understand that she needs to lead her own life. You love her and you will always be there for her.

As far as finances, I agree with you about college and continuing to pay for school. However, that's it. She's on her own and needs to pay for everything else (food, utilities, rent, transportation, medical, etc).

you have to let her make her own mistakes to learn. that is how they learn to grow up. sorry mom

So they argue a lot but want to live together? Wow. Well, they are too young to know better. I think you need to let this happen b/c it will happen anyway whether you like it or not. So, you can either tell your daughter that you are opposed to this, give her a hard time and she will hate you and resent you (the way I felt and still feel about my mother), or you can give her your blessing and continue a good relationship with her. She will probably end up moving back with you anyway, since she and her boyfriend fight so much, so you will probably get your way in the end. She needs to learn this first hand. Just remember that she will have your grandkids someday (something my mother never thought about) and you don't want to piss her off to the point that she moves far away from you and dreads every time you visit her.

You can't do anything. She is an adult now. You're right, not to threaten her education. Unless, not living with a boyfriend was a stipulation of her education being paid for, it would be wrong to take it away. IF she asks, you should certainly voice your opinion and concerns. Other then that, she is growing up and has the right to make her choices. They might not be the best choices always, but she is past the age...of you being able to do something about it.

Ahh, let her give it a whirl, if you dont mind her coming back home it's no biggie. One of my girlfriends just had that happen with her daughter. My g/f gutted and painted her daughters room the DAY she left. Daughter came home to visit the following wknd and pretty much GULPED that mommy had already turned her room into a sewing room, lol.
But, she'd let her come home in an instant if she wanted to.
The line you do draw tho, is not to help with any of her new occurring financial debt.... and hopefully she doesnt go credit card crazy. All you can do is cross your fingers and sigh that this day has finally come. I moved out with my b/f when I turned 18 and have never moved back home and that was almost 40 years ago ;)

My story is like busymom...I was married at 19 and here we are 20 years later with two kids, house, jobs, cats, fish, etc. We waited almost 14 years to have kids so we didn't "need" to get married.

Personally, I would say, once she's on her own, she's on her own. I never moved back in with my parents once my DH and I were together. If she wants to be a grown up, great, but with it comes ALL the responsibilities, like sucking it up and doing what's necessary when things start to unwind.

For paying for college....it's up to you. You could aways tell her to get loans and pay for things herself, then once she graduates you hand her a check to pay off the loans. That way, she's gambling with her money and not yours, but you still pay if you're so inclined. GL!

I got married at 18. It was a mistake, but my wonderful daughter and grandson wouldn't exists if not for my foolishness. I cried a lot, learned a lot, and grew up in ways that never would have happened otherwise.

It's life! She'll probably be fine, even if her life is not what you would design for her in a perfect world.

Bless her and let her know you'll always be there for her. If she starts using and abusing your generosity, then look at doing something different.

Marci W. and Whizzy hit the nail on the head. She needs to live her life, make mistakes, take responsibility and grow up. Always be there for her but it is her life to live even if she makes decisions you don't agree with. At this time I would recommend saying very little but remind her what true love looks like without pointing out the obvious in her current state. I'll be praying for you.

.

Moved in with my b/____@____.com's now been almost 8 years and 3 kids, pets, house all of that, we have never moved back home. We were BROKE those first few years but we made it on our own and do pretty well now .Let her learn, it's her life. :)

The only thing I would personally do is when they came over they would not share sleeping quarters at my house. I would caution my daughter a lot that this type of relationship could jeopardize her education but beyond that I would probably just pray a lot!!!! I would keep a close eye on the grades if possible bc if I am paying for school then I would expect her to study and not get so caught up in playing house that she wasn't keeping up with her classes. I think the only way I wouldn't pay for school was if she was flunking out of classes. But I personally would hate it!!! But I know kids...they have to go and try everything the hard way! She may be a legal adult but she is still so very young. Hang in there mama, I wish you all the best!!

As an adult, it is your daughter's choice where she lives, etc. Personally, if it were my daughter, I would stop all money coming to her, not to be mean or to hurt her, but because she is an adult with a live in boyfriend, then they need to act like a couple and provide for themselves. I feel that paying for college for a child living with a bunch of girls in a dorm is different than one playing house with a man. I am not saying I would disown my daughter or anything, but if she is too young for this kind of lifestyle, she will learn a lot faster if she has to live the reality of bills, etc with her boyfriend.

Let her learn. Let her live. Let her make her own mistakes. You've done your best, mom.

Will you be there to pick up the pieces? If so, tell her you love her and you'll always be there for her.

I might be wrong, but I feel like you don't like the idea partially because you think you're not supposed to like the idea, even though it might not seem so bad to YOU. I think that you know what's best for your daughter better than anyone else, and if you think she will be ok, then let her do it and don't worry about what anyone else thinks about it. Traditions and the status quo can be great sometimes, but also, there's a reason that things change over time. If you look over history, there's a lot of silly stuff people did for the sake of tradition and to stay within the social norms of the time period even though those things had no basis is logic or common sense. Also if you look back at history, women used to be considered old maids if they werent married by age 13--and civilization didn't stop even with a bunch of pre-teens as parents with families, so it's completely do-able. I'd pay for her college too, you want her to have something to fall back on if this relationship doesn't work out either now or in the future. Good Luck!

I'm sorry you're feeling conflicted. You sound resigned to it, although you don't like it.
What do you say? I guess just be honest with her and tell her you'll allow it and that you don't really like it.
I would have a really hard time funding the college tuition, since she feels "all grown up." But ultimately your choice. Do you like the boy? Is he in school? If he is (and the roommates are as well) she might stay more focused on school.

While your thoughts & feelings are valid, she is over 18 & able to be on her own. If her relationship goes bad, just be there for her when she needs you.

You can do & say anything YOU want, just as she can.

Personally I wouldn't pay for her tuition but I know I am much more strict than most parents. On that note maybe tell her if her grades slip to a ____ then you won't pay for it anymore.

Another thing is to suggest that they sign a month to month lease. God knows this can be a huge financial mistake so this will lessen the blow if something does happen

I would NOT allow her to 'run home' whenever they fight, that to me is absolutely unacceptable.

Good luck fellow mama, mine is 20.

Well if anyone told me 34 yrs ago my daughter at 19 yo would move in
with her boyfriend I would have said no way. FF and guess what. At
19 they moved in together. He was older. She was and still is a very
independent woman. Self employed, responsible. So here we are 15
years later and they are still together. It is a different world out there today
is all I can say..I trusted her and it paid off. She and her boyfriend are
very happy. Why they don't get married, who knows. It works for them.
Good luckl

I say let them move in together. With divorce on the rise maybe living together will give her an idea of what he will be like if they do get married. I have been with my husband since I was 15 and married at 21. We did not live together before but I think if we would have, I could have trained him a little more. :) I would continue to pay for her education. It doesn't matter where she lives, she will appreciate that one day.

i am 29 and married and have never lived with a BF. For one it gave a little mystery to my now husband. I mean whats the point of marrying if you live with the guy already and "the milk is free". Sometimes when i was younger I did not agree with my parents stance on this, but now i appreciate them looking out for me and am glad i never did live with my now hubby...

My daughter moved in wih her boyfriend while she was still in college. The worst part of it is that she never had the chance to live by herself - she went from me to him and she missed a valuable part of growing up. Though they weren't a good fit and though they weren't married, she treated it like a marriage and so it took a long time to actually split. She ended up wasting some prime years in a bad relationship that she was over-committed to because they were living together. I guess that is one thing you could discuss with her, she really should take some time to live on her own and come to know her adult self before she jumps into this. If they don't feel they are ready for marriage, they aren't ready to live together either - it's still a huge commitment.

I up & moved out when I was 19 moved in with a girlfriend for only a few weeks till I met now my hubby..We only knew each other for 2 weeks till I moved in ever since then now 10 yrs later i'm still here with 3 kiddos..
There isn't much you can do my parents were upset they knew I didn't have a car was in the process of getting another one but I managed worked FT paid my bills did what needed to be done.A young person is very capable of being responsible.Good Luck to you it is another step of letting go

She's young....
I would REALLY make sure, she AND her boyfriend.... both go, regularly... to a health clinic...and get tested for STD's.
Really. Its her life....
To me, that is more important or as important... as everything else.

My 1st serious boyfriend in college... nice & great guy... but well I got something from him...that was from who knows who before me. LUCKILY, it was treatable! He would have never gone to the Doctor if it weren't for me, insisting... as a "couple."

all the best,
Susan

you can't stop her legally however, if you truly don't agree with it you do have grounds to remove any financial assistance you are giving her whether college, food, etc.

i would definately set the ground rules that she cannot come running home when the going gets tough and will not open your wallet to her home life (paying that bill she cannot pay because she blew it all on going out the night before it's due)...maybe treat her schooling the same way a loan or grant would, "i'll continue to pay for your college, but you need to provide me a transcript at the end of each semister showing your grades, if acceptable, i will pay, if not i will not (failing or dropping classes is not acceptable)...and pay the SCHOOL, not her

I was not quite 19 when I moved out, during a 3 year apprenticeship (Germany) and my then BF and I got married 5 month later. We knew each other only 13 month when we tied the knot and next April we celebrate our 17th anniversary! Also have 2 kids and moved 10 times with the Army from Germany to the US and back...
If they want to do it, there is nothing really you can do, I would recommend though telling her/them of your concerns, and to make sure to let her know that if for any reason she wants to move back home she can! Maybe its good for them to get to know each other better, I believe you don't know somebody really until you lived with him/her! There are quirks a BF/GF won't show when dating only, but they will slip when they live there... (I am only thinking of socks and undies that where under a sofa....)

You can't stop her. Legally! But you may be able to stop her by telling her how much you are against it and why. But should you? That's another question. She is already sexually active with this young man so you can't use that as a reason. She has a job (they both do) and thinks she has figured out the financial part of living together. But there is so much more to living together that she may not realize. Yet! That's the part you need to talk to her about. Even if she doesn't want to hear it!

Here is what I would do (and have done with 2 of my children that did the same thing). Tell her you do not think it's a good idea. But at the same time tell her you will always be there to help if needed (and I do not mean financially). Continue to pay for her college though. Why would you not do that? But the important thing to tell her is that she will always have a home in your house if she ever decides to move back. Yes, there may come a time when you have to tell her that her room is now "dads man cave" or "mom's sewing room" and she can't come home anymore. But it's not time yet for her. She is only 19 and still learning what the "real world" is about. She still needs you to be there for her even if she is living some place else. And she needs to know there is still a "safe place" for her somewhere. But at the same time she has to know it's not an easy way to get out of things. She can't come running home to mommy every time they have a disagreement or the rent is due and she wanted to buy a new purse she saw in the window at Macy's. Or she feels like she has no privacy anymore! This privilege is to be used only as a last resort. And does have it's limits!

BTW Of the 2 children of mine that did move out. One has been happily married to the man she moved in with for over 15 years and has 2 beautiful children. The other moved back home after breaking up with the girl he was living with because they found out after a few months of living together that they just weren't as compatible as they thought they were. He is now happily married to a different girl and expecting their first baby in a few days.