that question has been removed due to rude comments. thank you to the few that werent.
Back to Basics Discipline by Janet Campbell Matson. She loves you most of all, mom, and she's looking for her boundaries. She's almost TWO! Rejoice, and rise to the occasion. Firmly. It will leave more time for happiness and bonding when you do not allow her to act this way.
She is not being bad, she is being two. She is learning about her world and being a separate person from you. She hears 'no' all the time - no tells her what not to do - she has no idea what she is supposed to do. She is not supposed to give up - she is supposed to explore and learn - which is exciting and frustrating.
Redirecting is exactly what you do - over and over and over and over. Nothing 'works' for long at this age but repetition and time). Instead of no, don't hit the dog, you model for her how to touch the dog. At this age, you really cannot tell her to do things. You need to do them with her. It helps a lot to make it fun and give her choices. Instead of 'sit in the chair' it is 'would you like to climb up in the chair yourself or have me pick you up?' Instead of 'get dressed' it is 'time to get dressed (physically direct her to her room if necessary) - do you want the red shoes or the blue ones? It helps IMMENSELY to give time warnings - 'it will be time to get dressed in 5 minutes, then 1 minute until getting dressed, then 'time to get dressed - would you like to walk to your room or shall I carry you?' and then do it. I have heard it called GYOBP - get off your butt parenting - it works. The more things that you can make into a game the easier it will be for both of you. The toothbrush can talk, it can want to brush the bacteria off her teeth, her sweater can feel lonely by itself in the closet and want to be worn. You can pretend to do things wrong - 'look, your pants - these go on your head, right? No, are you sure, ok then how do they go?'
Please do not take this the wrong way - but her dad may just be able to make things fun - therefore she pays attention.
I have never done 'consequences' or time outs with my son, so I cannot comment on them.
First, try to remember it's not intentional and she's not doing it to hurt you (although it feels bad). She's growing up and testing her boundaries, which is healthy and normal... and painful. Try to remain calm, and just redirect her, or remove her from playing, or take her toy that she's hitting with etc. Hang in there...
Its called discipline. She is not too young to start having consequences to her actions. She will get it. If she hits the dog, big no no in our house, time out. You can tell her why but I wouldn't get too much into debating or lecturing a 20 month old. Just say "you don't hit the dog. You are going in time out". If she continues, take something away, and yes if necessary pop her on the bottom. I will catch heck for that one but so be it.
Your daughter is very smart. many people don't realize how smart kids are at this age. they think, "they're just babies". Oh no, she's very smart, and she's playing with your emotions. as the others said, she is not treating you mean, she is testing you. she will play off your emotions. you need to handle her matter of factly, and speak to her firmly and confidently. think before you say no, or give her and order, and then be consistent and follow through. every time. do not get upset when she is naughty. when she acts this way, put her in the naughty chair, or corner, or whatever you decide, and stay calm. do not talk to her if she is yelling or having a tantrum. go back a few minutes later, and have her tell you (if she can) what she did wrong, or you repeat it, then have her apologize (if she can - if not, teach her a sign for this). make sure dad follows through too. if she doesn't want you to do something for / with her, don't let him give in and do it.
most importantly, please stop taking her (unfortunately) normal toddler behavior personally. this will just set you up for problems in the future. if you keep thinking that it is personal, you will just end up giving in to make yourself feel better, which will not teach your daughter appropriate behavior.
Oh... and the fun begins. I would recommend 1,2,3 Magic. Although, I haven't read the entire book yet, it works for us. My son knows when I start counting that I'm done with whatever behavior he is taking too far. He's 4 1/2 and tests me more and more everyday, but by the time I hit 2, he's stopped whatever he was doing (but he's usually crying and pouting at this time, but he stops). It's a method that his teacher started to use when he was 3-4, and for us it works too. I should probably finish reading the book one of these days, to figure out how to stop the crying and pouting), but right now i'm happy he stopped whatever he shouldn't be doing, since i can ignore the pouting. Hang in there - it gets worse before it get's better... so i've been told :)
I think you have to realize that she is not doing anything on purpose with the intention of hurting your feelings or making you upset - that comes later, when they are teenagers. ;) So you need to stop taking it personally. She is being a normal toddler who doesn't realize that rules are rules, and is being bounced back and forth between 2 homes (which is tough for any kid at any age). This is normal behavior for a child her age and she needs structure and clear boundaries as to what are acceptable behaviors and what are not. She needs consistency but realize that she will test those limits again and again, and it's not a reflection of her feelings for you. Realize too that some kids are stronger willed than others and may need to be disciplined and consequences given over and over before it begins to really sink in. AND she is probably worse for you than for Dad because you are the primary caregiver and to some extent they know they can behave less than perfectly for you because you will always love them no matter what - with Dad and others, she may not be as sure, since they always eventually "disappear" and are not around 24/7 like you are. Try giving her more choices when possible over things like getting dressed, but limit the choices to 2, and be okay with whatever she picks. Keep her in time-out each time for at least 2 minutes (set a timer) and let her know why she is there, and then have her tell you she is sorry (or tell the dog she's sorry if she hit him) once the time-out is done. Consider some books or classes that teach about raising toddlers and the challenges you will face. And most of all, hang in there - stay consistent, and it WILL get better!
She is hitting an age where she is aware she controls her environment. The transition from one parenting style to another is hard on my kids and they are 10 and 12. We do nothing structured the switch over night. Just not worth it.
One thing you cannot do is change your parenting style. She will realize you are, and need you to be, the same way every time.
If you take nothing from my advice take this, stop looking at how she is for her dad as an indication of her happiness there. You are only seeing bits and pieces and it will drive you nuts! Control how things are in your home and your daughter will come around.
I think you need to find something that does work. Try 1, 2, 3 Magic or Love and Logic. I've heard good things about both. Remember, she's not even 2 yet. She's testing, and you need to guide her to appropriate behaviors. Do you do time outs? My DD has done time out since about 18 months old.
