20 Month Old Who Is Very Defiant

You have to make "no" really mean "no," because right now, he's testing you to see if you really mean it every time, or if he can get away with it sometimes. And he is getting away with it. Whatever method of discipline or punishment you use, make it consistent -- don't just say "no" and let him do it without a negative repercussion. I personally use spanking on my kids, but you can see if other things work better.

If you are VERY consistent, he will realize he has no reason to test you. Set some ground rules and then stick to them 100%, no matter what (even if you have friends over or are at the grocery store, etc.). It may be hard at first but the stronger you are, the easier it will get.
Good luck!
M.
www.nomommybrain.com

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Welcome to what I call the back-handed mother compliment theory. This is when we make our children feel so secure in our love that they save their worst behavior for us. Also welcome to the world of testing. My children tested me every two years for about six months from the time they were two to ten to see if the rules had changed. Thank goodness their three years apart so I wasn't dealing with both at the same time. Your darling child is looking to see where the boundaries are and if you are really going to enforce them. He is looking to you to make his world secure by defining what he can and can't do. He wants structure and is looking to you, his primary caretaker, to provide it. If you give in he will get confused. In addition, his behavior will get increasingly worse until someone puts limits on him. Don't think of it as punishment you're doing to him, but providing him boundaries and structure so he can learn to control himself. This is a gift you are giving him. John Rosemond states this is a battle that must be had with all children and it's easier when their two than when their twenty-two. Your son isn't being defiant, he's just being two. You might want to check into Scream Free Parenting, it really helps parents keep their cool through trying developmental stages.
L. D.

If you tell him no then follow through and take the food away, or take him off the furniture. You need to be consistent and always have the same consequence for the things that your child does wrong. Good Luck!

Read Making the Terrible Twos Terrific, by John Rosemond. The terribles start around 18 months.

You're not alone! My daughter will be 2 next month... she does the same with throwing and climbing. I read at BabyCenter.com (great website! they send me updates, activities, and milestones according to my daughter's age) that throwing is a new motor skill and shouldn't be stifled necessarily, just show the child that you CAN throw a ball outside, but you CAN'T throw your cup at Mommy. Throwing food was too much to resist for my daughter so I gave her a little bit of food at a time so she'd eat it and not throw it.
I don't think there's any cure for the listening to daddy better...its a man thing...I don't know why or how.
Giving my daughter time out has really worked wonders. I am more of the disciplinarian as I am with her mostly. I warn her simply, "If you do this, you are getting time out." And I do not play. If I say its going to happen, I follow through-every time-no exceptions....I try to "stay off her back" as far as not having something to say at her every move unless she's in danger or going to break something. It only took about 3 times before she got it but I did it with a stern look and tone and always ended her time out with a "You had time out because..." and a hug and a smile. Its a great alternative to spanking. Be consistent, it'll pay off :)

K.,

I have a 20 month old son as well. He started the testing about 3 months ago. Here is what I have learned with the little guy:

#1 Consistency

Select 1 behavioral correction method and stick to it. I found one called the SpRD (stop pause redirect). You and everyone that cares for your child must be informed of this method and use it. Including Dad!

http://www.amazon.com/Manipulative-Child-Resilient-Resour...

You can pick the book up at the library and go straight to the chapter that discusses how to use this method.

#2 Creativity

My little guy is very much like his dad and that is he has inherited his High IQ. In order for me to stay one step ahead of him, I must use creative thinking.

For example, he started the not wanting to leave the car seat when we arrived home. He absolutely loves to go places and meet new people. Anyway, instead of forcing this child to do as I say. I remembered the old saying, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." My son is wise for his age. So, I invented a game called "Hunt the Monkey." I tell him there is a monkey loose in the house and we must find it (stuffed curious george). This drove him crazy the first time we did it. The excitement in his eyes was unexplainable. Anyway, creativity outsmarts stubbornness any day.

#3 Be Mommy Cool Cat

They must never see you loose your cool...no yelling to get them to do what you want. Always, always use logic, reason, understanding, empathy, and most important love when disciplining the little guy. If he loses respect for you, you lose him. Lots of deep breaths.

#4 Mr. Strong Arm

One Mom below is correct...I have noticed this with my husband. Boys listen more to their dads than their mothers. HOWEVER! We stay consistent on all our disciplining. The only time he jumps in is if our little guy is going into combat mode. Then, Daddy steps in and stops the bad behavior. Let's face it, we all have our bad days. He is a little guy and needs a strong voice every once in a while. Kinda like when we are going through a difficult time in our lives and only a fellow woman can help mend us back together.

Creative suggestion for throwing food....Grab his favorite toy...place it by his high chair during one of the next throwing episodes....pretend to be the toy speaking...say, "name of child, I do not like what you are doing right now, I am going to go away for a few days and come back when you are no longer acting this way. I like to throw things outside, but do not like throwing things inside. Bye-Bye for now." Then, walk the toy out of the room and come back. Children at this age are highly receptive to being sympathetic to hurting others feelings.

Good luck! Oh yea, I speak to my little man like he is 4 years old. He understands the English language very well. Maybe your guy is the same way. Just tonight I started making him go to sleep in his own room (co-sleeper/nurser). I had to tell him that Mommy was going to be in the next room and as soon as he fell asleep, I would pick him up and take him to bed with me. This was the only reasoning method that stopped the stomping and refusing to sleep mode. He immediately climbed in his bed and went to sleep on his own!!!! Telling him he is a big boy now, blah, blah, blah, did not work. I had to become empathic to his feelings and think about what would make him go to sleep on his own.

My husband and I are learning every day, as this is our first child. It is definitely one of our best adventures together. Good luck to you and your husband.

I had the same advice as Dawn. Take him out of the high chair and say you are finished. Also you may have to sit him in the "Timeout Chair" and when he gets up put him back into it. Actions go a lot farther than words. At two he should sit for two minutes or so and a minute per year after that.
If you start now at 15 they will know you mean it when you say do you want to sit???

What's wrong with climbing on the furniture? It's good excersize.

My kids have the ability to tune me out also. I yell and make threats. That seems to work pretty well. Also, if one of them throws food I put them in time-out right away, messy fingers and all.

Yep! He's testing you. So, what ARE you gonna do?

You must be consistent and win EACH 'battle'. Don't say anything unless you mean it AND are willing to carry through the process of making it happen. If you say, 'don't climb on the furniture', be prepared to go grab him down from there EVERY time he does it.

Part of 'time-out' is that the child has to be separated from you. This is punitive and effective.

Also try using 'positive' vs 'negative' rules. Instead of 'don't throw food', try, "Keep your food on your plate/tray" AND if he throws it, mealtime is OVER. About 3 times of this (consistently!) and he gets the message, I promise. Mealtime is for eating, not playing.

See, I'm a 'control' person, and I just can't see how adults can be so easily manipulated by little kids. I'm also 'fun-loving', though, so our adult kids still like me even though I was a tyrant! LOL

In fact, I'm going to visit the 3 grandkiddies TODAY! YAY! It's been too long . . .

I was watching part of an info-mercial of James Lehman's 'Total Transformation' program, and they said something that made a lot of sense. It was something to the effect that: Children don't need us to control them as much as they need to have us teach them how to control themselves.

May you have the fortitude to stand your ground -- and have fun doing it!

God bless!

My grandson does the same thing, and he is 2 1/2.Now he throws himself on the floor when told is bath time or bedtime. I just took the food away, he wont starve.He is wanting attention, and is pushing your buttons. Yes he obeys dad cause hes not with him all the time like you are.Be on your toes hun, he is at the testing age and will doing something different every day to see your reaction, what he can get away with. Time outs dont always work, BUT make sure that he cant see the tv. I told my daughter, its very frustrating, but he will outgrow it. You cant reason with them at this age.

Redirect, redirect, redirect. I had some of the same issues with my daughter - and still do every now and then at age two. What I have found is that she wants the reaction. If I make a scene and put her in time out she got what she wanted - she smiles, giggles, etc. and thinks time out is a game. If I am calm with my warnings and then just put her in time out (no reaction, just do it calmly) she gets more upset.

Things seem to work best if I'm able to redirect her attention and show her what she can do instead of telling her what she can't do since the natural instinct (in adults as well) is to want to do the thing you not supposed to.

For eating - maybe give a few pieces of food at a time instead of a whole bowl. Or, make a game....eat a bite of food and I'll let you throw the ball on the floor. With my daughter, when she got to where she was throwing her food it was really an indication of one of three things: (1) I'm bored; (2) I'm done eating; or (3) you and Daddy are talking and not paying attention to me.

Best of luck. She's at or almost at the stage of trying to show independence. Fun!!

Hi K.,

You've got lots of great advice below! I have two boys in the "Terrible Two" stage (one entering... and one exiting... hopefully!)... so I just read John Rosemond's book "How to Make the Terrible Twos Terrific. I HIGHLY recommend it!!! He runs along the same lines as the SuperNanny or Nanny 911... more of a no nonsense approach, but realizing that at this age, kids have to test your limits. I was worn out from butting heads with my boys and heard about this book. Lots of great advice and very old school. I'm a teacher as well - so it's refreshing to read a modern parenting book with a back to the basics approach (like in Grandma's day). As John Rosemond says, "It's the best of times... it's the worst of times!" :-) Enjoy and good luck!

D.

so....if he's disobedient and defiant....really....what ARE you going to do? what if time out doesnt work? what if taking stuff away doesnt work? what if spanking doesnt work?

I recently read
Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood: Practical Parenting from Birth to Six Years (Paperback)
by Jim Fay (Author), Charles Fay (Author)

I HIGHLY recommend it. It's a fast and easy read (took me an hour). It's all about throwing responsibility back to the kid by giving them choices instead of commands, not providing the opportunity for disobedience and giving the child alot of control throughout the day in things that don;t matter (do you want the blue cup or red cup?) so when you DO have to demand something (you MUST hold mommy's hand in a parking lot darling.), the scene has been set for them to be willing to relinquish a bit of control.

It has worked miracles for my daughter. my dd turned into an absolute hellion at 18 mos. after trying EVERYTHING, a friend turned me onto this book. Love and Logic series should be included as a hospital parting gift instead of a diaper bag! It has worked WONDERS for us! Instead of dreading my daughter waking up, the endless whining, fits, screaming, hitting, biting, hair pulling, etc.....now we have a delightful child that is an absolute pleasure to be around most of the time. We still get occassional fits and whining of course, but no more hitting,, spitting, screaming, biting.....she's mostly obedient, very rarely defiant....it has been a miracle for us. And it only took a day to start working. by a week the transformation was incredibly permanent.

I also recommend reading John Gottman's Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. It also should be on the parenting required reading list....although it targets emotional/mental capabilities so while it certainly is applicable with toddlers and beyond, one has to get the physical behavior taken care of first. Gottman's book is a great relationship building program that teaches your child how to deal with life on an emotional level. I highly recommend reading it once you are successfully using Love and Logic with positive results in your home.

And remember - no parenting style/book/etc fits EVERY behavior for EVERY child for EVERY personality type for EVERY situation. Don't forget you are allowed to tweak things to honor your family/child/personalities! :) eg, what works for my two year old doesn't work for 8 year old. But he has eight years of strict drill sergeants in him v. our starting her off in life learning to make good choices and accept responsbility for the bad ones....

Good luck! :)

Hi K.,
Good for you for taking action before he gets into school! You'd be surprised how mnay moms do that. :) I am a firm believer that the Terrible Two's and now adays Three's come from avoiding the issues now and even as early as a year. Couple tips:

* The time limit is always one minute for each year of age.

* Always have a plan, you know him best, but whatever 'system' you and daddy make up, be sure to follow it.

*Remember to add in positives next time you catch the food on the plate. :)

I like to give one verbal 'reminder'. Such as, "Keep your food on your plate." Then the next time it happens BOOM, instantly, move to time out. Only saying a few words like, "Mommy said food on plate, bad choice." That's it. They can't process much more language than that at this age and they definitely can't reason with you until later, so don't get into a discussion EVER with a toddler on this.

Best of luck to you!
Amanda

umm we started time outs around 18 months give or take. My son will be 27 months and for the last 6 months I have seen much better behavior. I feel really proud when I get compliments on him.

Now here is how I do it. When you want to break a bad habbit he has formed, catch him in the act. Give 1 warning only and tell him he HAS to listen! If he doesn't, sit him down wherever, closet chair, floor, just don't leave the room (out of site out of mind) tell him he is on time out for NOT LISTENING. (not throwing food) He will might cry or get back up but be persistant. Give him 1-2 minutes as you will be doing this quite a bit until he catches on. At the end of the timeout tell him he HAS to listen and to say sorry mommy for not listening. (OF course your son can't say this but trust me it sticks for later) hug and kiss and repeat as necessary.

I will timeout my son anywhere. He knows its useless to act up in public over something. I do not want to be one of those mom's who doesn't have very good control either. Now the warning of "would you like a 2 minute timeout..." seems to do the trick. We also rarely have to give timeouts now. Good Luck.