20 Yrs Old Daughter. Need Advice.

Why does a 20 year old need emancipated? Does she have developmental delays or something?

I would NOT allow any guy to stay over. No exceptions. My house and my rules. And yes, I would flat out call her a bad mother for bringing strange guys around her child.

She needs to have a job and be in job training. She has a child now. If she can't or won't take care of the child, you can call CPS and they can intervene. The government always prefers relatives take custody of a child.

Fact is she has not broken any laws or really placed the child in dangerous situations, from what you have said specifically. Talk to an attorney about what must happen before you could get guardianship of this child. They may be able to explain it much better.

I would let the doc know she is giving the baby inappropriate nutrition. The baby could end up sick or worse from blood sugar or something, not a doc but just way too much for a little one that weighs nothing to take and digest.

I am confused about the emancipation thing. She is 20?, she is an adult.

I would take her to the housing authority, the food stamp office, file for child care assistance so she can go look for a job and get employed, etc...everywhere I could to start the ball rolling to get her living independently. She will always be a child mentally if she is continuously rescued from life. She needs a safe place to live right now.

She needs a kick in the hiney, I would beat my daughters A** if she brought someone in my house to screw around with. If she were in a monogamous, committed relationship where they were living together and were visiting from out of town then it would be different.

I hate to say it, but if you don't nip this in the bud now, it will never change. Your daughter sounds very immature and self-centered (not good qualities in a mother). You need to lay down the law, and if she leaves, so be it. She's an adult. You can't force her to stay with you. She will respect you and your rules once you start enforcing them. You can have a conversation with her such as "I love you and care about you, and I love and care about your child, HOWEVER, I am not a hotel or a revolving door. If you would like to live here, you will contribute towards the household, you will take care of your own child, you will not have guys staying overnight...yadda...yadda...yadda. If you cannot abide by these rules, you will have to find another living arrangement".

It's called TOUGH LOVE. Your daughter needs it, or things will never change.

If you believe she's not taking care of her child, document everything you see, call CPS, call a lawyer and take her to court for custody.

Best wishes!

I would do everything in my power to get custody of the baby and then kick your daughter out.

File for an emergency custody order, kick her out, stay in counseling.

If all the things are true that you say she did, you should have NO problem getting an order of custody.

Please know that 2 days before christmas I had to tell my daughter to leave my house and she is not allowed to come back unless she goes to counseling. She is refusing. I'm sticking to my bottom line.

She is using the baby to get to you. And you are letting her. Time for that to stop.

Sending nothing but good thoughts your way.

She is 20 a legal adult. So make her an adult. Send her on her way. Make her get a job and pay rent or kick her out.

You house your rules. No strangers in the house without permission
--that includes new boyfriends.

Check out parenting classes maybe you can go together.

Is she just a brat or is there something else going on? Alcohol? Drugs? If there IS a substance involved then it's a WHOLE other story.

IF she's your basic spoiled brat, then maybe it's time to force her to stand on her own two pegs.
Give her 3 months to find a job, car, apartment, whatever.
Keep a close eye on the baby.
Report any neglect to CPS.

Heartbreaking, I know. But the gentle touch isn't going to work with either circumstance above. Good luck.

Does she want her daughter? I am sure she loves her, but would she be willing to let you have custody of her?

Is your daughter on Drugs?

Does she have a job?

How does she support herself?

Do you have her pay her rent and part of the bills in your home?

Have you told her you do not want her bringing men home over night?

The more responsibility YOU give her.. The more she will know she has to get it together.

I know you think you are protecting your grandchild, but if your daughter really cannot do these basic things.. She really needs to leave and figure this out on her own..

I am sure she WILL find a way to take care of her child OR she will realize she needs you to help her and will be willing to follow the rules.

Some people think being more strict makes their children leave, but many times this is what that child is actually seeking.. Yes, she may blame you, but it gives her the excuse to not be able to go out.. To not allow men home.. etc..

It may also convince her that she needs to get it together for her child or allow you to have this child.

That's kind of hard. You do need to put your foot down on to what goes on in your house. No strange men in as overnight guests.

She needs to have rules about working and taking care of the baby. If she feels you don't think she is a good mom, call CPS on her. If you don't like how she is conducting her life, then maybe she needs to find a place of her own.

You can't keep having her come and go like a hotel. The old saying about you made your bed now lay in it.

Somehow her living with her dad didn't go all that well and she came to live with you. It still didn't go all that great. Now the two of you (mom/dad) are paying the conseqjuences -- dad washed his hands of her by buying her the car. You are "stuck" with her actions. I know that you are concerned for the baby but it is her child and you have to step back a step even though it hurts you.

I know many people would say that since she made her bed she can lay in it and be responsible for her actions especially at 20. Life is hard and she has to learn this.

Good luck to you both.

The other S.

EDIT: Since you are providing for your son as well, it is imperative that you do something with the daughter. It has affected your other child as well. Can you change your counselor from a Christian to another for more help?

Your husband and his family created the monster and I know you love your daughter but sometimes tough love is what is needed. She is going to have to learn that the world does not revolve around her. It is going to be hard but it has to be done. She needs her own place and she can have her own friends stay or visit. Until you step back and let it play out and have no emotions it will continue. It is time to stop beating your head on the wall and getting a headache. The law says she is an adult at 20 so let her be one but not in your house.

I think you need to talk to her. She may be wild, but she doesn't have to do so in your home. If she is unable or unwilling to care for her child, she can leave the infant with you (and you might want to consider getting legal custody). You may also have to report her to CPS if you know she is endangering the infant. I'm not clear on the emancipated part - she's 20, not 16. She's an adult, legally and has been so for 2 years.

I think on some level, she is seeing how far she can push you, knowing you want to keep the 6 week old safe. She's blackmailing you. You need to get informed and stand your ground.

I've been there, only fortunately my daughter was being responsible. However, when she got pregnant I told her and her boyfriend that they were now taking on adult responsibilities and needed their own place. Within a month they were in their own apartment. Fortunately they were both working.

Then, later after the baby was born, I was concerned about the baby's well being. Nothing to report to CPS but still not a good situation. I took care of the baby while my daughter worked and in this way was able to give my granddaughter what she wasn't getting from her mom. Her boyfriend left.

It's very difficult but tough love is a must. IF you don't set some boundaries now you will be living this frustrating life for years. Tell her that she must take care of herself. In order to live with you she must have a job and pay rent. Otherwise she's out and on her own. And then follow thru.

You can suggest that you'll take care of the baby until she gets on her feet. You can tell her you'll call CPS if things don't change. Use it as leverage.

As long as she's living with you, you're making up the difference in taking care of the baby and CPS won't get involved. You are providing what the baby needs. But you can insist that she move out and if she doesn't have a home and is not taking reasonably good care of the baby they will get involved.

Sounds like you need to have some definite rules for her to live by. As long as she's living in your home you can insist that she not have overnight guests. You can require rent, help with housekeeping, and a respectful attitude. If you want to not just push her out you can start with a conversation about responsibilities of adults in your house. Perhaps, tho it's unlikely after all these years of having no rules with consequences, that she'll straighten up. I would give her a deadline of say 1-2 months to meet these rules and tell her that she's out on her own if she doesn't comply.

Be calm and unemotional. Vent with someone else. Be firm and unwavering in make these requirements.

My daughter and I went for some counseling which helped us sort out our roles as mother and grandmother. As a mother it's really easy to want to take over when we see our grandchild being short changed. Reality is that the mother has all the power and for us to be involved we have to find a way to work with the mother.

You have the power in your home. You can make requirements for her to stay and you then have to follow thru with consequences. You have to let your daughter fail as a mother before you can take over.

My daughter woke up and became more responsible. She and I had a terrible time during her teens and young adult years but we worked thru our issues and are on good terms now. I give counseling credit for the greatest influence. Counseling helped me see that even tho or especially because I was concerned about my grandchild I had to back off and give my daughter a chance to be responsible.

Note: my daughter did allow me to take care of my granddaughter for 2-3 months while she did get on her feet. My way of talking with her was to avoid any accusations, to say to her that she had so much to do that I offered to help her by taking over the baby for awhile.

I'm sure she is eligible for state assistance including WIC. That would be a place to start. My daughter received financial assistance to by taking classes to make her employable.

I feel the same as Live Bold. I just don't see where she's doing anything dangerous to herself or the baby. I understand your frustration and concern, but your daughter has been emancipated so she's legally an adult. My only suggestion would be to advise her that you are uncomfortable with her boyfriend spending the night in your home. Please keep in mind that your daughter is postpartum, but she spent some very important years away from you so, I think the issues you are having with her stem from the time she lived with her dad. Perhaps she interpreted that as you not wanting her or something. Maybe you two can get in to some family counseling to find out the root of her angst and work toward building a better relationship. Best wishes.

shes had a free run too long. its time to set ground rules. shes in your house not her own. make a list of rules she can wither choose to follow them or get her own place. plain and simple. she needs a job and needs to pay rent or something.

i am sorry you have to deal with this stress....
Is it possible your daughter is using your concern about grandchild to manipulate you..... like if you don't let her do what she wants she will leave. you know you daughter best... but it sounds to me from what you wrote that she is using the baby as her leverage....
Does she get assistance? Subsized child care so she can work? Tell her to ger a job and get help for the baby.
As hard as it is, and as worried as you are about the baby and your child...you need to help her grow up. set limits, and consequences if she does not stick to them. she must contribute the household and the care of her child if she wants to say with you. And when she says... you are saying I am a bad mother..... respond... no but you are making bad choices. Again... she is manipulating you
If she leaves and you are truely worried about babies safety call CPS and seek temporary custudy.
i can not imagine how hard it is, and it is clearly easier to give this advice than to follow it. OUr instict is to protect our kids, but sometimes to do that we have to let them fail.... and pick themselves up.

I know a person this old needs tough love, mainly love but with rules and what you will stand for or not. Also you are so torn with this little baby so innocent and not deserving of a life like this. On the other hand there are so many little kids living this kind of life out there and we can't protect them all. I know you love this one so much since she's your granddaughter. I would say to set the rules for your home, tell her what she needs to do to live there, pay rent or help out or whatever, and then see if you can offer kindly to help with the baby or find someone to babysit if you can't and then help give some stability there. Maybe I'm thinking with my heart here with that though. You won't be able to take care of this little child forever though and she'll be in and out of your life most likely. Try to establish a relationship with your daughter where you are not critical but just firm, where you can be able to talk about the baby and things she needs without making her feel like a failure at the same time. Keep the door open to communicate so you have contact with the baby too. It's so hard and I feel so bad for all of you. If you can pray I would do that everyday.

I am so sorry for your troubles! Your daughter has become toxic and If it were me I would send her on her way in order to save my 16 year old son. If you do not he will repeat the same behavior.

You have to send her out into the world in order to gain some responsiblity and clarity. Take the band aid off now so that the healing can begin. Easier said than done.

I know been there! If you continue to enable her she will not change and she has to for her child. This is when the praying mother has to come into play, cover her with prayer and ask God to plant a seed into her life that will draw her closer to him, pray that God removes any and everyone from her path that will interfere with that process.

Sending you strength to make a hard decision that will make your daughter become responsible.

Added: The fact that she allowed a stranger to me into MY home is a big "NO U DIDN" she would have to go! I would have had to put my grown woman panties on and show both of them the crazy in me.

Our homes has to be our safe place and people who interupt that has to be shown that it can not happen. In my world anyway & JMO!

Don[t let her take the little baby out of the house-just keep offering to babysit. Babies have only formula or breast milk for 6 months-and nothing else. Get Social Services involved. A simple parenting book will substantiate what the needs of an infant are. As for the boyfriend-he's a reason to believe in gun control-I don't know how you are managing-she is holding you hostage in your own home! My heart is aching for you. She is being a bad mother-how dare she jeopardize her child's health and well-being-and her own-how dare she treat her mother with such disrespect-and have no respect for herself. I'm praying for you and your little Grandchild.