22 Month Old Attached to Mommy and New Baby on the Way...

You can start telling her how important a big sister can be and tell her how much she can help with the baby. Start having her go get things for you now and start being more independant in doing things for herself.

You've gotten some great advice already. I went through a similar situation. I had my second son when my first was 2 years and 2 months old. Up to that point I did everything with him get ready in morning, drop off/pick up daycare, bath, bed, running errands, etc. He was my little buddy. I was on bedrest for a few weeks during my pregnancy and also had a c-section so couldn't pick up my first son during those periods. He, like the other poster's child, always wanted daddy to hold the baby. I didn't have too much trouble when I was nursing because he seemed to understand that his brother was feeding but otherwise he always wanted me to pick him up or sit on my lap. I did a lot to "prepare" - talking, reading books, etc. which I do think is good but I don't think anything really prepares them for the reality of not being an only child any more. I agree that you can't tell the firstborn how they should feel. Its a big adjustment period for everyone and the best advice I can give is just accept this and try not to worry about it too much. There will be times when you are frustrated and there will be times when the firstborn is frustrated. It takes awhile for the family to find a new rythym. I read something that has stuck with me and I wish I could remember it exactly but the gist of it was that you can't just add on the newborn to the family, its routines, etc. You have to separate everyone out (symbolically) and then bring everyone back together again in a new unit. This really was true for us. Also, know that it is normal to be frustrated that you can't spend as much time as you like with either of them, like you were able to do with the firstborn. I still struggle with this as I feel the second born just doesn't get the alone time with me like the first one did but he's a happy independent guy who spends more time with dad than the first. Its just a different paradigm - it won't be the same as with the first - but that doesn't mean its not as good. Sorry for the novel - this just hits close to home :) There will be a point, one day, where you realize your new family unit has found its new rhythm, I promise. Best wishes.

To prepare my firstborn for a sibling, we got a few books to add to the routine: "I'm a Big Brother" by Joanna Cole (there's a sister version), "The New Baby" by Mercer Mayer, and "Don't Wake the Baby" but I don't recall the author. We also talked to him about the baby in Mommy's tummy and took him to the doctor appointments to hear the heartbeat. Since your daughter doesn't have a choice, i wouldn't ask her if she wants a new baby... because there's really nothing you can say to her no! (I don't mean that in a mean way!!)

I agree with the other advice that from now to October is a long way developmentally. My son was 26 months when his sister was born, and they are good friends! There was a rough spot when she first learned how to grab his toys, but mostly life is good all around :) The Joanna Cole book will help your daughter understand that having a baby around doesn't diminish your relationship with her.

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Hi C.,

I am in a similar situation. My little boy was 2 in March and I am also due in october. I have been doing some reading and this is the advice I have found.

1) Don't introduce the concept of baby until a month or so before the baby is born or (obviously) if she asks about your bump. 6-7 months is a lifetime for a 2 year old and waiting that long for anything to happen is impossible for them.

2) Try to make them as independent as possible - within their own development obviously - ie potty training, dressing herself, feeding herself, playing alone - before the baby is born. If she gets used to doing these things on her own now, she won't resent you or the baby when you suddenly don't have the time or patience to help her with them when the new addition arrives.

3) Don't introduce the concept of baby as a new friend or someone she can play with. This is setting her up for disappointment when the baby arrives and all it does is sleep, cry and poop. Instead explain that babies cry and that is how they communicate with us. Show her pictures of what she looked like when she was a baby. Give her a realistic view of what the baby is going to be like - sweet, but dull. ;-)

4) If at all possible, try to spend time with another newborn. I am lucky I have friend who is having a baby in May and I am hoping to introduce my son to the concept of me holding another baby and caring for another baby with my friend's newborn. If you don't have a pregnant friend, maybe just try babysitting for any other child so that your daughter gets used to sharing you with another child. Make sure that during that time she doesn't feel neglected, but understands that you are also going to give some attention to the other child, but it doesn't mean you care for her any less.

5) When the baby arrives, don't insist that she loves the baby or cuddles the baby. Just let her take her own time with the baby and do what she feels is natural. Ask her how she feels about the baby rather than telling her and (depending how verbal she is)talk to her about her feelings. If she says she hates the baby, ask her why. It may be something specific and recifiable. I had a friend whose little boy 'hated' his baby brother and it turned out that it was because he missed having his bath alone with Daddy, which he did before the baby was born and now he had to share his bath with the baby. Well that was easily recified by giving them separate baths. Sometimes it's so simple.

6) If the new baby is going to use anything that is currently your daughters - crib, changing table, etc - move your daughter into her new bed (or whatever) several months before the baby comes, so that she does not associate the baby with losing her things. Similarly, I am going to put my little boy into nursery 2 mornings a week and I am planning on starting him over the summer rather than in September, so that he is settled and doesn't associate being 'sent away' with the new baby.

7) As for her attachment, I would start trying to encourage her independence as much as you can now. Encourage her to play alone for short periods at first, but for increasingly longer periods. Encourage her to 'read' her books by herself and give her lots of praise, even if she only does it for a few minutes. Encourage her to sit next to you rather than on your lap while you read her stories - if that's the current routine. Even getting her to watch a video on her own is important - otherwise what are you going to do with her while you are putting the baby down for its nap, breastfeeding it or all of the other time consuming things that newborns require.

8) Encourage daddy and daughter time alone together at the weekends - preferably away from you so that mommy is not an option. They could go and do her favorite thing - whether it's swimming or the playground or whatever. This will help her to understand that she is ok without you and she will not feel abandoned when you need a rest after the baby comes - particularly during those first weeks of breastfeeding.

9) The last thing, and I think this is common knowledge, but just in case. When she comes to the hospital to see you and the baby, make sure you are not holding the baby. Have your lap open and be ready to give her a big kiss and cuddle and let her find the baby and ask about it. Answer all of her questions and even let her hold the baby (in your lap of course and with an explanation of how fragile babies are) if she wants to.

I hope that's helpful. That's all I could think of off the top of my head. It is scary because you want it to be as easy as possible for them don't you - and obviously as easy as possible on yourself.

Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy. Dianax.

Hi C.,
You've gotten a ton of great advice, but I'll add one more thing...My son was twenty-seven months old and very attached to me when my second baby was born. One thing we did that I believe made all the difference was to have him stay at the hospital with us (not during delivery). He got to bond with the baby so much and still have me and my husband right there for him (even though I had a c-section). He never had a feeling of a new baby getting to be with us while he was off with other family. Dad took him home in the afternoons for naps, but he slept at the hospital at night - miraculously well, I might add, even with hospital staff coming in and out all night. We took toys, books and a few DVDs with us and he took lots of walks with Daddy and other family that would come and visit. The gift shop people got to know him really well - it was one of his favorite destinations. :o) It was a really sweet time for our family and I encourage everyone to do it if they can. Best of luck to you!

For starters, stop asking her what she wants. Dont say "do you want a baby". That just gives her a chance not to. She doesn't have that choice (obviously). Just show your constant excitement about the new arrival, and tell her all the time how great it will be for you to have two little ones to Love. If she is truly that attatched to you, she will feel exactly how you feel about all of this - If you are concerned that they will not get along, then she will have the same concerns. She is a little child and needs structure that YOU control.

Hi C.,
Congrats on your new arrival!! I am 7 1/2 months pregnant and have a 21 month-old son, who I feel is pretty attached to mommy. Diana gave some great advice. The only thing I'd like to add is that I bought a book for my son, "I'm the Big Brother" by Joanna Cole (they have a "big sister" version) that I recently started reading to him. I don't know what he "gets", but at least the concept of being special to mommy & daddy and being a big brother is introduced. It's a pretty PC book, Daddy changes the diaper and helps out (yeah!).
Best of luck to you!!
Deborah

I had a similar issue my girls are 22 months apart... The things that worked best and I warn you in advance baby sister has caused many a tantrum but nonetheless...when I was pregnant we started having my husband do some major tasks always so she got used to it if its an option have him bathe and put her to bed even if you have to leave the house or pretend to be gone. It helped a lot...the upside and downside is my 2 year old is now super daddy's girl

I don't really have any advice on this, but my daughter was born on June 29, 2007 and she is all about mommy all the time. I do work full time, but when I'm home she wants me! Daddy use to read to her the two nights a week he's home, but now she wants me to do that too.
If I were you, I would just enjoy this time now and hope she out grows it. October is pretty far away, as far as development goes.
best of luck and congratulations!

I think its an age factor, my 27 month old daughter is the same way...and yes it can get very tiring, hopefully it will pass and of course we'll always be their number 1! Question: I love you schedule, that would be a dream job...what do you do? I work from 9AM to 6PM and I really need to find something else. I need more time with my baby!

my daughter was also young when I had my 2nd. I told her that I need help, she was going to be a big sister and that that was a big job! She really liked the idea of being needed and helpful. I asked her to tell me when the baby woke up, was sad, hungry, ect. I think it helped her to bond with her brother also. She knows that he is not competition, and feels the importance of how she helps me help him. She looks out for him and loves him very much. I also gave her a doll when she came to see us in the hospital "we both have our own babies now, you are just like mommy" She loves getting the diaper for me when its time for a change or picking up something he has dropped. Just make her feel really important, like you cant raise this baby without her help. Then she wont be in a competition for your time or love she will be helping out her mommy like no one else can.

I have a 25 month old and a brand new baby and my daughter had a really hard time with the transition. My newborn is 3 weeks old and my daughter is starting to get more used to it. My 2 year old acted very angry towards my husband and I and would barely even give me a hug or a kiss when I came home from the hospital. She did love the new baby and wanted to be around the new baby all the time. Everyone I have talked to said her behavior is normal and within a month or two everything will be back to normal. My daughter is more of a daddy's girl and I work full-time as a teacher, but will be home for 5 months. You could buy your daughter a baby doll and get her used to that. I try to get my oldest involved in helping as much as possible and that has seemed to help a lot. Having 2 kids is really hard with the 2 year age difference, but I am managing. Good Luck

Hi C..
I had the same concern when I had my second son. I have 3 kids each one is 2yrs and 3 months apart from each other. I read the "I am a big brother book to them" every night. The most important thing is when baby come is to include them in everything. like if you are changing baby, you can have her help by giving you the diaper or when bathing, she can help put the soap. My boys were very attached to me at that age and they still are. It is a GOOD thing. one day they will be big and not need you soo much and you will miss it. So I say just enjoy it. I see as the closer you are with your kids the more of an open relationship you will have as they get older.

Hi C.,

My oldest son was 20 months when my second son was born. I was a SAHM with him during that whole 20 months and he was very attached.

We talked to him a lot during the pregnancy and told him about the baby and how it was so special that he was going to be a big brother. I would also suggest reading books about becoming a big sister, in your case for your daughter. My husband was already an involved dad, but I started him taking on some more of my responsibilities before the baby came so our son would get used to dad doing more things for him.

This is how it worked out for us. When I was home with the kids by myself I nursed the baby and the other sat on the side of my lap, If I got up to do anything my eldest followed, when dad got home. It was "mommy, daddy hold the baby". It lasted for a few months, everyone needed time to adjust and our son needed to adjust to his newest brother who all of a sudden was taking up all of mommy's time now. But it worked our just fine. Once the baby was old enough to be laid on the floor, he then became more interesting for my son and then pretty soon he was fascinated with everything the baby was doing and I had a little more breathing time.

Once the baby was here, I had him become my little helper, he brought me diapers, clothes, helped with bath, anything that he could help out with I included him in it. Dad took on a lot of responsisbilty with doing "big boy" stuff with my son when he was home, and we would switch and make one-on-one time for just me and my son while dad cared for the baby.

It was overwhelming in the beginning and a lot of house work went undone, and I was lucky if I even got into the shower beore my husband got home. But it all mellowed out when the baby was about 4-6 months. I was more consistent with scheduling with the baby and had a routine/schedule for feeding and naps which worked out great.

Best Wishes!

You've recieved many good ideas. I thought that Diana M's ideas in particular was excellent. She really broke it down. Like several people reccomended, hold off from talking about the baby until a month or two before the baby's birth. In the meantime, get her to be more independant as well as spending special time with Daddy. "Special daddy bathtime or bed time", going to the park or to other "special places" (even if it is errands).

To prep her, find books from the library. There are many books out there that are good resources to read to your daughter. Books that are good are big sister books or books on how a baby changes the family. Many books that we found, discussed feelings, how to deal with those feelings, and that those feelings are ok. Tell her that no matter what happens (the baby, that mommy and daddy will always love her. One video that I found was Arthur's baby by Marc Brown. It is based upon his book, but after the regular story, real kids talk about their baby brothers and sisters. Then the video goes into DW's Baby in which it is the same story, but from DW's point of view. My daughter loved this video. Fortunately, I found it in the sale section at the library since we watched it over and over and over!

If she is not potty trained yet, don't worry about it. Do it a few months after the baby is born. Althoughwise your daughter may regress. Mine did. It was very frustrating.

Before the baby is born, have your daughter pick out the special outfit that the baby will come home in. We went to Target a couple of weeks before the baby was born and my daughter picked out an adorable outfit as well as a "lovie". Since my daughter has a special bunny blanket (little blanket with a bunny head on it from Carters) I told her that it would be special if she gave one to the baby that was similar. My daughter chose a giraffe blanket of a similar style for her sister to be. (I snuck in a 2nd blanket just in case). Now her sister just turned 2 and has loved that giraffe blanket from the time she was 6 months. My oldest daughter is almost 5 and still has her little bunny blanket.

When the baby is born, have your daughter be the little helper. She can get the diaper for the baby, burp cloths, clothes, bottles, , or whatever you or the baby needs. And of course praise her for being such a great helper! : ) One book we found talked about how the big sibling may to asked to help with the baby. It even said that the sibling may be asked to throw away the dirty diapers! I immediately told my daughter that she would not be asked to do that! Yuck! We both had a good laugh about it! : )

When you are feeding the baby, your daughter may want your attention. One thing that worked for me was reading books to my daughter. She loved it! She would keep bringing me more books while I was nursing. That way I gave her the attention she craved while feeding the baby! Another thing that I heard about but didn't try is having special toys that your daughter can play with that only comes out when you are feeding the baby. That way it makes your daughter feel special, too.

Good luck and congratulations!

My granddaughter was the same with my daughter-in-law. She was so attached to her that when my daughter-in-law would go to the bathroom and close the door behind her, my granddaughter would sit outside the door and scream and cry like she had been beaten! Then my daughter-in-law went to work full time. Voila! Once my granddaughter got used to going to the babysitter and mom being gone all day, she came to realize that mom is coming back. They live in Redding now and my granddaughter has come to stay with us for as long as one month at a time without any problems at all. She talks to her mom on the phone at night and is perfectly content because she knows shes going home and mom is still there. Is there a play group she can attend in the afternoon where you would drop her off? If not, do you have a friend who might agree to pick her up and take her out for a couple of hours just so she can get used to not being with you constantly.

Hi C.,

I didn't read the other responses and so I hope I don't repeat anything, but I'll share my experience with you.

My son was 2.5 when my daughter was born (7 weeks ago). He was very much against the idea of the new baby. I quit calling the baby bump "baby" and re-named it "little sister." He wanted to be the baby and so I let him keep the title.

I explained to him during calm and happy times (before bed) how a baby sister was coming (the month of the birth). I told him it would be HIS little sister and he had to take care of it. I made a big deal of how she would admire him and love him and I told him about the things he can do as a big boy that little sister wouldn't be able to do.

I wanted to read him a book on getting a new baby sister, but I coudn't find any.

I bought and wrapped a couple gifts "from the baby." My mum came to help out when I was in hospital and they had a rough couple days of it while I was in hospital. He wouldn't sleep, eat, and just cried. When they came to visit after she was born I presented him with the gifts and made sure he knew they were from little sister to him. I gave him lots of hugs and cuddles in my hospital bed and explained all the tubes in me.

Once we got home, as jumpy as it made me, I let him touch her and explore her. I showed him "gentle touch" like we practice on animals and I helped him to hold her (never letting her go, but making him think he was holding her by himself). I praised him for nice things like kissing her, hugging her, holding her hands, gently patting her, etc. I made a big deal out of what a good big brother he was when he was being good with her.

I have him help me with her. He brings diapers and wipes to me when I change her. He holds toys in front of her face and moves them around to amuse her during diaper changes or quiet times. When she cries in her baby carrier he rocks it to quiet her. He likes the idea that she is "his baby" and he likes to help out and get praised.

I try to include him in times that used to be his, like breastfeeding. I hold her in one arm and let her suck while I hold him in the other arm and give him hugs and talk about when he was a little baby. Sometimes he'll bring a book to me and I'll read to him while she nurses.

At times I have to attend to him and can't attend to her, like when I'm changing his diaper. If she cries during that time, I gently tell her that she just has to wait until Mommy is all done helping big brother. He LOVES that since he's usually the one made to wait.

Also, if you can, while the baby is sleeping or at some point during the day, TRY to make time to spend with just her and no baby involved. Even just 30 mins./day of Mommy time helps a lot toward curbing jealousy.

My son has always been like your daughter in that he clings to me and even accompanies me to the bathroom. He still clings to me, but he has made room in life for his new sister and now he includes her and is very protective of her.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!