P.M.
At her age, she is learning about manipulation, but not in the deliberate, planned way adults think about. All her behaviors are an attempt to meet some need, and whatever works best is what she will repeat. It's simple human nature.
Her behavior suggests she's really distressed, probably frustrated, and she could possibly be missing you and trying to demonstrate this when you're around. Her distress, which we can only guess at through your description, could indicate some neurological deficit. These are really common today, possibly because of more chemicals in the home environment, or overscheduling, or poor sleep, or hereditary issues, or most likely a combination.
I'll give you a list of tricks and techniques that can often make the whole experience easier for child and parent. But do consider whether there are chemical-laced products that you use at home that could be avoided. I have severe chemical sensitivities, and get both physical and emotional symptoms to exposures to perfumed toiletries, home cleaning products, fabric softeners and air "fresheners." (Many of these are just downright toxic.) In group testing situations, I have watched children go from contentedly coloring to bouncing off walls, screaming, crying, or being impossibly stubborn just minutes after having drops of some dilute solution squirted under their tongues.
It would be worth checking out. You can try sealing all suspicious products in plastic bags and using free and clear detergent, baking soda or vinegar for most cleaning for the next 2-3 weeks, and watch for any improvements. If reintroducing the products back into the home then results in worse behavior, you'll have a possible solution to work on.
So, here's that list of things to try. Your daughter is not "trying" to be naughty. Children don't really want to cause problems or get in trouble if they have any other way at all to meet their own growing need for autonomy, independence, and control of their circumstances.
Adults, with our vastly greater experience, want everything to flow according to our grownup expectations. Your toddler doesn't know any of that yet, and she will probably have a couple of years in which she just won't see very much from your point of view. Thats' completely normal – she can't help it. Digging in heels and tantrums are a natural outcome of becoming more frustrated than they're able to endure. Many parents report that this "new" behavior seems to come out of the blue. The stress of travel and changing schedules, or illness, or any major change, may contribute.
Though you won't ever have a toddler who can behave like an adult and make all the choices you would make, there are tried and true methods for eliminating much of the mutual frustration that the mom and the child experience during the next couple of years. This may be challenging when you're also caring for a younger child, but overall, you'll expend less time and energy than you would if dealing with behavior that isn't evolving in a positive direction.:
1. When she wants something, empathize. Big time, and in the child's language. I love the advice of Dr. Harvey Karp on how to get on a distressed toddler's wavelength in this and several related videos: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G6KnVPUdEgQ&feature=re... . Once your little girl realizes you do care about what she wants, she's more likely to be able to calm down and cooperate with what you need from her. And there are lots of positive ways to approach this, rather than just saying no to a child. They hear no so often, and they can be so frustrated. So look for ways of finding a mutual "yes," and save "no" for those occasions when children are trying something dangerous.
2. Keep it playful. Children lean primarily through play. You may need help with this if your parents didn't model a lighthearted and cheerful approach when you were little. The book Playful Parenting is a great resource. Your daughter's sense of humor is developing, crude though it may be.
There will also be times when you must have her cooperation, like diapering or trips to the store, so keep a special toy that she gets to play with only at those times.
3. Here's a big one: give advance notice when you'll want her to be doing anything differently, especially when she's grooving on her current activity/play. Children absolutely hate unexpected transitions. With my grandson, we let him know at least a couple of times that a change is coming ("We're going to go to the store / have lunch / take a nap pretty soon." … and then a second alert one minute before making the change.)
4. Whatever the next activity is, make it sound as desirable as possible. Give some detail about the ride in the car, or a favorite food at lunch, or sweet snuggles before nap. Be positive and enthusiastic. And be calm. Desperation will show, and even though she's too young to deliberately engage in a planned power struggle, she will quite naturally sense any cracks in your resolve. And this is where future power struggles truly can begin.
5. Try to keep demands low when she's tired, over-managed, hungry, or sick. She won't have any emotional reserves left with which to cooperate.
6. Get to know her most likely trouble-spots, and plan ahead. For many kids, it's when they want some temptation they've seen. So keep those things out of sight when possible. Be prepared with a distraction – for example, another toy she likes when you have to take ______ away from her, or a healthy treat when she wants a junky snack. Laughter, introducing a new game, a few twirls and bounces, hugs or tickles, a goofy song, can help break into her determination to get something she wants (that short attention span is both a curse and a blessing).
7. Avoid bribes, but let her work toward occasional rewards. Don't try to buy cooperation with "IF you'll do X, we'll let you have Y." Instead, phrase it as if she gets to assist in advancing something good for herself: "Hey, as soon as you help me get X done, then we get to do Y." It sounds like a small distinction, but it's important. It gives the child a chance to cooperate in what feels like choice, even when there's no "if" about it.
8. Be sure she gets lots and lots of physical activity during the day. Time outdoors in nature and natural daylight is calming for most children. If she has pent-up energy, it will have to come out some way, and unless channeled in a positive direction, it will likely to add to both your stress and hers.
9. Whatever you are trying to teach will need to be repeated hundreds of times over the next few years. That's completely normal. Attention spans and impulse control are extremely limited in toddlers. (On your parenting contract, and you'll find it in teensy-tiny print under "I agree to the following terms and sacrifices.")
Spanking and time-outs don't work for every kid, and will sometimes actually backfire over time. Especially with spanking: children may be scared, shocked, or shamed into compliance, but behaving for the sake of avoiding pain isn't the same thing as developing an internalized sense of "good." Consistent, calm guidance and demonstrations of what you DO want from her will work better in the long run than punishing for what you DON'T want her to do. See more on this by googling The Science of Parenting or Emotion Coaching.
I wish you well. Pay attention to what you love and appreciate about your daughter, and make sure she knows. Children seek attention and approval above all else, and if she knows you're noticing her good moments, she'll try to create more of them.
