3 1/2 Year Old Anger Issues Now That New Baby Is Here

Hi Claudia, I have a 3 year old and a 15 mo. old. It is absolutely important to spend time with your 3.5 year old! While my 15 mo. naps, I do something fun with my 3 year old: crafts, games, cards, drawing, anything! When my 3 year old is acting out for attention, I remind him of the rules and ask if he remembers the consequence. Give him appropriate consequences and rules. It is important for him to know. The less tv the better. Use that as a reward if you need to but not as a crutch to not deal with his behavior. If he's doing something you can ignore, then ignore it. If it is a danger to him, you, or the baby then deal with it. I think it is important to pay attention to him and not his actions. Use lots of praise when he is doing something good! Involve him as a helper, he's old enough! Good luck and have fun with both of them :)

I'm afraid i may be dealing with the same issue in a couple months when my second child is born. My daughter is 3 too and such a mommy girl. So i look forward to reading the answers. One thing I plan to do is get my daughter into some class like swimming, etc or even doing the story time at the library with her (if money is an issue) where it's just me and her so that she can still have one on one time. She's been having a hard time as it is with the pregnancy and already losing some mommy time since i'm more tired now. Not paying attention to your son is not the answer. He's wanting your attention. Have him help in little ways like cooking, help with folding laundry (you can have him shoot baskets with the socks). Don't know if he helps with the baby but he could help change the diaper, feed the baby, etc. Good luck!

Hi Claudia,

If there's any way you can set aside time (maybe once a week) to spend with just the 3 1/2 year-old, I think that might help him out. If you pay positive attention to him (i.e. doing something fun together just the 2 of you), he may be less likely to act out.

R., MSW

Claudia - our daughter had just turned 4 when the baby was born 9 months ago. She loves him to death but clearly has difficulty and shows it by looking for reasons to tantrum. It's been like walking on eggshells. I'm sure you know the feeling! Anyway, I have found that her behavior improves when I can focus on her for a portion of the day. So, I'll have to agree with the other posters and your husband!

Yes yes yes spend some special time each day with him. Of course this is a huge adjustment for him. That doesn't mean you don't address specific behaviors that are problematic. Let Dad or your M. take care of the baby some while you take time with your little guy. He doesn't understand the situation fully, just that you are no longer his one and only! He needs reassurance that you are not abandonning him, and time to adjust to sharing you. Not abnormal at all!

Your husband is right. You need to pay attention to him. You can not withhold that because of his behavior. You need time outs and taking away priviledges for each behavior and keep each behavior separate and a new situation. I know it is hard to find time with each child by themselves. I would put the timer on for 15 minutes a day and call it just me and you time. I would make sure everyone else is taken care of so that I can give him undivided attention. i would do what the child wanted to do and when the timer went off it was the timer saying we were done not me or the baby. I also take each child out for the day on a date with me on their birthdays and half birthdays. They choose where we go for lunch, we usually go to a movie or go indoor put-put golfing. Sometimes we go shopping for a little something because it is during a birthday. I do it on sunday afternoons. The kids love it and can't wait until it is their turn. But start with the 15 minutes if not everyday at least a few times a week. Also make sure you are able to read a story or tell a story before bed a few nights a week.

Congratulations on the baby! Totally give him the love, he's craving it... in his own way... I know it seems really hard now, but you've got to find him "HIS" special mommy time. Go on a date, let him pick the place and go, even if it's just for 1/2 hour. It could be something so easy as run an errand and go look at christmas lights, many stores have them up already! Go to dinner just you two, or the library. Just find something fun and let him know how much you love him. Watch baby movies of him... Good luck, they will be friends and things back to normal before you know it :-)

Claudia, I feel your frustration! I too have three little ones (almost 5, almost 3, and almost 1). When people ask me what it's like with three...I have to be honest: It's my 2 (almost 3) year old who is creating a lot of the stress. He is totally acting out, being headstrong, throwing/hitting, climbing the walls (literally, removing pictures from walls), and breaking a lot of stuff (household stuff as well as his toys). A few weeks ago I decided to have a babysitter over in the morning while my older one was at school. I suggested that my 2-year-old and I take a walk around the block, leaving the sitter with the baby. My son and I collected leaves, jumped over the sidewalk cracks, talked about the sky, etc. and it was probably the most special time I've spent with him since the baby arrived last December. About a 15 minute walk. He keeps talking about it (even now, a few weeks later). So, I am determined to take him on some more "mommy and me only" walks. Also, I have found that a bedtime story, just me and him, also chills him out. I agree with what the other moms said - carve out time for him when possible (weekends work when the little one is sleeping and your husband can take the other child). I'm having a hard time not yelling these days, I am so frustrated!! But I keep telling myself that if I can keep my cool (even when the kids break things or become little crazies) I can teach them patience and compassion. I already see them mimicing my frustration when they get mad and it's a little scary...Hang in there - I know it is hard!