My son is three and a half and has been having some behavior issues the last couple months. When something doesn't go his way he automatically starts doing this terrible sounding, really loud no I don't want to do that and then if you try to tell him not to talk that way he will hit you in the face or something. We have done time out, we have spanked him, tried just getting in his face and telling him he does not talk to his parents that way and if he wants something to talk like a big boy. Nothing seems to work and we are both at our wits end with this and are tired of him always jumping to yelling or hitting. Does anyone have any advice? Thanks in advance!
I don't really have any good advice...just wanted to show some solidarity. I am experiencing the same thing with my three year old daughter. Recently, she was sent to time-out at daycare....and she threw the chair. Not funny.
I did look at some of the Dr. Harvey Karp videos on YouTube and have had some response with some of his techniques.
It is more important that ever to stay consistent and give logical consequences.
There is a huge difference between breaking a persons spirit and breaking a persons will. We are all willful people if it's not broken out of us. Like it or not, we all have bosses. Even those of us that are self employed have laws and clients to answer to.
One pastor we had explained it like this. When a young baby starts to go to a place that's not allowed, stand over them and move them a few feet back from that space. A lot of talking isn't needed. Just keep moving them even if it takes 100 times. Eventually, they will cry and will keep going to that spot. But they will stop going there when the game is old and they are tired and they have cried themselves out. That same pastor did believe in spanking for some offenses. He didn't believe in doing it out of anger and his children knew exactly what offenses would warrant a spanking. This is not breaking a persons spirit. It is breaking the stubborn willfullness that will get a person in trouble through their life.
We've come a long ways in society. Punishment used to be so barbaric that societies put criminals hands in boiling water, branded them, cut off hands etc. I do believe that a generation back, when belts were still used we had not come far enough. But to be so adamant against a rightly timed swat on the bottom is taking a terrible thing that used to happen and going so far in the other direction that it's just as barbaric in another way. We can't live in utter chaos because people are not responding to all these psychological games parents are playing. That's all these books are about. They teach new ways for parents to behave to get what they want. Some of the things described here and in these books being recommended are just condescending. People are giving children way too much power. They are not old enough to handle that power.
People are not one size fits all. Every child is different. In general, the parent needs to show that they have a stronger will. It's not yet time for a child to have so many choices. Some choices are good. Too many are bad. They will have more choices when they are grown. In one way or another they will hear this message again and again through out their lives. To give them any unrealistic view of what things will be like for them in their school and life beyond is unkind.
I would love to see egg timers placed in work places around the country and bosses telling their employees that if they don't like their job assignments that they can scream for one minute. When that minute is up, nothing will have changed. They still need to do what's been assigned and the way it's been assigned.
He is trying to prove he can outlast you. Stick to your guns, whatever they may be. As long as there is ALWAYS an unpleasant consequence, he will eventually stop. Some kids are just more determined (stubborn) than others and will keep it up trying to show that he will do what HE wants. You just have to outlast him, and show him that he will do what YOU want.
First, never, never hit a child!!! Is there alot of yelling in your household--if so he is just repeating what you are modeling. Have hime checked by your doctor and discuss the behavior problems. Limit sugar and makes sure he eats balanced meals. Find out what is making him so angry. Give lots of praise when he does something right. Always boost his self esteem and give lots of choices. Do you want apples or oranges ect ect.
Good luck
Sounds like you are doing everything right (except spanking, only my opinion), as long as you put your foot down and NEVER cave in, this too shall pass........I remember the terrible 2/3s, testing the waters, now is a defining moment in your child personality develpment, it's excellent you are sticking to your guns, it WILL end Mamma, don't worry, the more determined you are, the FASTER it will end, will be followed by a lovey-dovey phase, and then several more test the water phases. Sorry 'bout the stress! You can get through it! (Whenever he does something positive, make sure you go on and on about how GOOD it makes you feel when he makes GOOD choices!)
i would take something away or ignore him
My son is 3.5... and he's started doing that too sometimes... and he uses his Daddy's "big" voice when he does it... to sound more intimidating. (I laugh to myself when he does that).
But at least he does not hit.
I put my little dude in time-out... because for "him" it does work more than it does for his sister, which for my daughter it does not work at all.
Next, I like this book: "Have a New Kid By Friday" by Leman. Really great applicable tips/suggestions and it is not punitive and it is not 'mean.' It is actually very useful... and it does work.
You can get it from Amazon or even E-bay.
Its a phase... but still, you have to delineate boundaries/limits to it.
Next, how does he communicate? Is he aware that he can express himself verbally? Is he allowed to do that? Is he 'heard' and also respected?
Can you tell him "redo that..." and then give him another chance at making something more appropriate? I do that with my kids... and it teaches them problem solving skills... because they can 'redo' what they just did wrong. And I "allow" them to. Remember.... kids are very impulsive and can't always control every.single.thing.they.do. Sometimes, my daughter will do something (not thinking it out) and then will immediately say "SORRY Mommy, I didn't mean that... I was just distracted and didn't mean to say it that way..." and then too, I don't just jump the gun Immediately and "scold" or admonish my kids... I usually pause, look at them... and gauge it out real quickly... then I say "Redo that...." and I allow them to, to "try their best...." because I know they know how.... per their age.
You said your son acts up when he does not get his way. Okay so that is most kids and teenagers. But so... before you tell him 'no' to something... do you give him options? Or, do you OVER explain what he can't do? After 3 seconds, a toddler is not going to really listen to our whole diatribe about why & what they can't do. All they 'hear' is that they cannot do a.n.y.t.H.i.n.g at all. They get irked.
Or, put on an egg-timer... and tell him "okay, scream. Go ahead. I will give you 1 minute....to get it out." Then turn on the timer. Then let him get it out. I have done that to my kids too.. .and they get shocked that I "let" them scream it out. But it works. Then often, they find they didn't 'have to' yell anyway.
anyway, just some ideas,
all the best,
Susan
sit him timeout 3 min,tell him why hes there ,keep your voice at a normal level then no more talking for the 3 min.when you have quiet time with your little man explain to him how screaming and yelling is not the way to handle his anger then think of something that will work with him also face to the wall with no talking from anyone no tv no anything this is harder on parents than child been through this it all works out !TIME!!! THATS ALL IT TAKES! good luck!
