3 Year Old Is Antisocial

Start getting her involved in something social. Dance, School,....etc.

Putting her in situations where she is forced to talk to others is the only way to help her open up to others more. You can also role play with her by using dolls.

My oldest daughter was/is very much the same way. She is in 2nd grade now and doing much better although is still not the social butterfly and doesn't enjoy lots of attention. It was when I started her in preschool that things started to help, then from there she did dance with a friend. And now she is doing school and started gymnastics without knowing anyone. She is doing tons better, but still has her moments.

Wanted to add also, I was a shy kid growing up. Now not so much, but I remember not wanting to talk to my aunts and uncle. When I think back I find it quite silly now, but this help me understand where my daughter was coming from.

Is she a sensitive child? An introvert? If she can socialize with people but often prefers quiet, then it may be that she is overwhelmed by certain social situations. For an introvert, dealing with groups or focused attention can be very draining. How much warning does she have that her aunt is coming over? How are her aunts? Are they loud and friendly and boisterous? Or do they let her come to them on her own terms?

I am an introvert and my sister is both an introvert and shy. Funny enough, my DH is an extrovert. He's had to understand that when I sit on the sidelines I'm not being antisocial. I'm just not comfortable jumping into a group and holding court. There's a funny picture going around FB that shows an extrovert reaching into a bubble wanting the introvert to come play and an introvert on the other side hissing at them.

I think that since she can socialize with other kids, it's not that she's antisocial, but just has a different level of comfort with strangers. I'd work with her on knowing what to expect and work with them on approaching her the way she is most receptive. Like maybe the aunt just says Hi to all the kids and goes to read a book to them - that she can snuggle up for or she can listen to from afar.

And if the problem is her reaction to them simply saying HI, work with her on saying, "Hi" or just not snarling. That may be in part just teaching a child to be civil, like I am working with my DD on not crying when she has to leave a playdate.

Once she does her scream-and-run routine with, say the aunts whom she knows, does she then warm up at all, slowly start to be OK and interact with them? If that is the case -- she is fine and will outgrow the scream-and-run. It has become her go-to "I'm letting you know I don't like this change in my day" reaction. If she does NOT interact at all after a few minutes, even with people she clearly does know, that would be more cause for concern.

I agree with the person who posted that your daughter could use some form of class outside home, one where you are present and she can see you, but not necessarily right there next to her every second. Observe some classes that might interest her (does she like to move to music? "Tiny tutus" types of dance class, nothing too formal; does she like to mess with clay and paint? Kids' art class, often held at community centers or recreation centers) and so on. Nothing more than once a week right now. Many listings for these things will say "mommy and me" or "parent and child" which is what you want right now.

Eventually she could do two different ones a week once she realizes the fun to be had. And next year I'd get her into a good preschool program maybe three half-days each week. Preschool is all about socialization, not really academics. You may have struggles at first but work with the teachers and stick with it. This is likely a phase since she is verbal, smart, and happy. She just needs to get out in the world more -- gradually -- with you there as her safety net. If she sees you interacting with people first it telegraphs to her that they are safe people. You can even tell her that a lot -- "I will talk to the teacher first and that way you know the teacher is OK, and then after YOU can say hi." And so on.

I think you can honor who she is and teach her good manners at the same time.
If she doesn't want to speak to someone that's fine, but she sounds like she's verbal enough to understand and follow directions: we don't yell at people, we don't growl at people, please use your quiet, polite, inside voice, etc. If she doesn't want to speak you can teach her to nod and say excuse me before walking away.

She's not antisocial (which would involve behaviors like spitting on others, kicking them, glaring at them, etc.), just shy. I was very shy as a child.

The very best thing you can do is accept her as-is. Don't try to make her more outgoing. Let her know it's fine to be shy.

I eventually outgrew it (for the most part) on my own terms. The more people tried to change me or tell me not to be shy, the worse I felt. I lost the shyness when I was ready, not when others told me.

Well, I wouldn't. It sounds like she has very good intincts and should be encouraged to trust those. New people should be somewhat "scary." However, when she does this, just say, "Please don't scream unless it's an emergency. Let's say Hello again." And then you speak for her. It's okay if she doesn't speak to adults, just model the appropriate language for her.

What a great question.

What I have found helps young children is to give them both a prep before we see people and some options. "Auntie is coming over soon. When she comes in, it's your job to look at her eyes and say 'hi'. Let's practice." (you can do this with puppets and dolls, which gives the child more emotional space from the situation.)

If this is hard for her, give her a nonverbal option. "When we see Auntie, it's your job to say hi to her or to give her a little wave. Then you may go play."

It's not uncommon for more sensitive, observant children to not want attention focused on them. I've heard of several birthday kiddos who did not, under any circumstance, want Happy Birthday sung to them. I also think it's okay to have a small birthday for children this age, with just a few family/friends over. It's often 'too much', even for very social little kids.

Overall, the best things you can do are to keep reminding her *every single time* what is expected. When she does growl, be firm. "Stop now. This is a time to be friendly." and then give the option "If you choose not to be friendly, you may be quiet." This is reasonable for this age. You don't need to punish, either, just remind her a lot what is appropriate.

Lastly, one thing that comes to mind is how do you respond to this? Some kids WILL act out (growl, scowl, etc.) when they know they're going to get attention from the parent for this negative action. So be sure to prepare your daughter with your very simple expectations, correct her firmly, and don't let it take away from YOU connecting with the visitor. But do not overfocus on her behavior or harp on it. At home, when she growls, you can send her to her room until she can be friendly. That is the rule at our house-- a grumpy attitude means you can go take a break and come out when you are ready to be polite. (one can air grievances or be sad, but just being a stinker doesn't fly... you go do that in your room.)

Shy and needs to not be put in the spot light but let to warm up on her own terms to people until she learns some day to handle the shy personality. Don't make her feel like she needs to be an extrovert, she's not. Do make her be polite and kind but she's an introvert. Love her as she is. Teach her to warm up slowly and kindly.

My middle son is like this to a degree, he wouldn't scream and run away but he would turn sideways so his body was only half facing you/the other person and he would purposefully look up or away as to avoid eye contact at ALL COSTS. He was exactly like your daughter as far as b-days goes and being the center of attention. He was, kinda still is, VERY shy...but he is getting better every year, he is 6 now and almost completely out of this stage.

What I did was follow his lead, tried not to push too much, except on allowing me to love on him, when he was @ 2 y/o he didn't like hugs and kisses but I never stopped giving him them and now he is my most lovable guy!

~Our family just accepts that he is the way he is, which is A LOT different than all the other boys in our family, and we have 6 boys total, so we have a lot to compare him too, ya know?

I will say that he is my most challenging kid and gives me a run for my money, that's for sure! He got in a fight the first week of K b/c he thought the kids playing the 'tag' game with him were touching and laughing to 'be mean to him' he also is the kid who, in K, asked to sit in a desk all by himself...but he is *extremely* smart and also way ahead IQ wise....I kind of think they go hand in hand? He also is very specific about how his hair is, heaven forbid it be kind of different than the day before or people might notice and inquire about it. Just lots of lil' things like that...

He is an AMAZING kid and I wouldn't change him for the WORLD, I just have had to learn to parent him differently than all the others, and that's OK.

As far as your question about her yelling and almost growling at people, I think you would be wise to correct her every time she does it and get her out of the habit. Reassure her that she doesn't need to talk to them if she doesn't want but that she can not be mean, ya know?

ugg my dd is 7 and still will not respond when people say hi, She loved her softball coach and would talk with her at the games, but we ran into her at the supermarket and she was very calm and not in DD's face but DD still would not acknowledge that the lady had said hi to her.

Its' very hard to correct, what are you supposed to do put her in time out everytime she refuses to say hello?

I've tried not answering for her and that is just akward too.

The best advice it so role play probably with dolls, I"ll be aunt amy and you be lizzy and when aunt amy comes to visite lizzy can say HI, i'll ring the door bell ring ring, i'ts aunt amy, HI lizzy, now you say.......

I do have hope that hey will outgrow it but we still aren't there yet.

One of my kids didn't like being the center of attention. He wouldn't sit in the birthday kid's chair and didn't want to wear the birthday "crown" when he was 4 years old. That was kind of funny...!

So, I understand that part of your daughter's behavior, having seen it in my own child. Lest you think that he has continued to act that way, he has been in several plays and musicals (he's grown now) and is no longer shy.

However, this growling and yelling at people is over-the-top and you need to give her a consequence for it.

I would NOT try to get her to open up. But I would NOT allow her to get away with meanness to others. Whisk her away to another room and talk HARD to her and tell her "You do NOT yell at/use an ugly voice to Aunt Marie. That is NOT acceptable behavior. You may not play with "x" for the rest of the day because of the way you treated Aunt Marie." And take away a beloved toy.

It's time to start dealing with this issue, J.. You can't just assume that she'll stop doing it without you coming down hard on this behavior.

Dawn

She is young and will grow out of it. No worries

Time. Sounds like my youngest dd. she has never wanted attention, birthday parties, etc. just introverted! She's much more social at preschool this year than ever before, but still just likes alone time and no fussing. I'm a total extrovert but after reading about introverted children and introverts in general, I understand it more. She used to growl at people actually! Or hiss :) much better after she turned four! Now she is still shy but is polite and more open.