3 Year Old Tantrums - Plainfield,IL

Three is a tough age. They want to be independent and they are testing boundaries. I also think they are LEARNING to deal with their emotions. While I never give them what they want b/c of a tantrum, I don't feel it's right to leave a kids who is clearly out of control emotionally to "figure it out". I like the idea of calmly stating what is going on, "You cannot have a lollipop for breakfast - those are for special snacks" (real story from my morning w/ my 3 year old). He broke down and threw a minor crying tantrum. I calmly told him this and then said, "but you can have x, y or z". He wanted a lollipop. I calmly said no, and walked away,. A few minutes later, I came back and asked if he was ready for breakfast... he was still crying. I said I'd be back to check - and rubbed his back again". Don't give in to their wants, but I believe you also have to calm them and help them through the feelings they are having (frustration most often). He ended up calming down, and then getting a graham cracker and some milk.

It's hard to know if this is due to the baby or just due to being 3!!! Sometimes if my daughter is particularly upset about something benign and she won't stop crying I will not put her in time out per say, but ask her to sit on the steps or go to her room until she's done. I simply tell her something like...I can see you're upset. When you can be calm please join us in the kitchen. Or...I don't like to be around you when you whine and cry, please leave the room until you're done. It works...sometimes faster than other times, but it still works. I think it sends the message that it's okay to be upset or to take your time getting over it, but I just don't want it near me, which is fine too. To me it sounds like you're doing all the right things, but 2 kids is definitely harder! ;)

Another thought I had was this...perhaps some of it has to do with the baby getting attention and he may not even consciously realize this. Something I did with my kids was this. When my son (baby) was settled, fed, and happy I would tell him something like I'm going to put you down now in the swing so I can play with your sister. It's her turn for mommy time. He had no clue what I was saying, but it sent a message to her that he would have to wait too. This way I wasn't always telling her to wait while I dealt with the baby, but sometimes he had to wait too! ;)

Good luck!

Way back in my archives I have one on tantrums. I have a tried and true method that has been passed on through four generations. I dug it out and here it is, cut and paste:

*DISCLAIMER* This is an unconventional method. Not for the faint of heart. Or those who can't hold back a laugh in front of their child. ;o)

Take a small cup (I like Dixie cups) and put about 2-3 inches of water in it. Put it in the fridge and let it get nice and cold. Reeeeaallly cold (but don't use ice!). Make sure it is easily accessable.

When your adorable little one starts in on his series of shrieks and tantrum behavior, go to the fridge and get that cup of cold water. Hide it.

The most important point here is that he should NEVER see it.

Put the cup behind your back and walk up to him confidently. When his face is screwed up in the middle of a scream, dash that water right into it. (Don't worry that he might choke...he won't. He's breathing out in order to scream and yell.)

Hide that cup behind your back and never let him see it. I suggest you use a Dixie cup, since you can immediately crumple it up.

This will stop the scream/tantrum immediately and he'll probably freak out a little bit and start crying. Don't coddle him too much, and don't talk to him (and don't feel too bad...especially since this is going to stop the problem!)....just go and get a towel and clean him up.

If you feel like you have to say something, say "Oh NO! What happened? Were you screaming/throwing a fit? Uh oh!" Give him a hug and send him on his way....but act like the whole thing never happened. Don't explain....let his little mind work it all through. It won't take long for his logic to figure out that screaming/tantrums equals a cold surprise...

A couple of added points: For this to work you can NEVER threaten. He shouldn't know where it comes from or why...Never say "If you don't stop throwing a fit, I'm going to get the water" or, "If you have a tantrum, I'll do this!" The consequence should not even be related to you (this will save you a guilt trip, too). Never talk about the water or the fit in front of him. He should never know that you had anything to do with it.

This is based purely on conditioning. Like Pavlov's Dog drooling when he heard a bell, your child will VERY quickly associate his inappropriate screams and fits with that cold spash. I hope this works out for you...even though it's an odd method, it is tried and tested.

EDIT: LOL! 8kidsdad! Your method is pretty close to mine!

When my little ones did the tantrum thing, and not all of them did, it was usually jumping up and down and crying/screaming. They usually stopped before 15 minutes had passed.

One time, when one of my kids went on and on for close to an hour, I told him to stop. Several times. He just ignored me. I finally picked him up by the waist and carried him under my arm into the kitchen. I opened the frig and took out a pitcher of cold water and took him to the sink. When I got ready to pour the cold water on him, he quit crying and yelled, "No Daddy. No Daddy. I'll be good."

I was a new dad and hadn't had any experience like that with my kids. That taught me he knew exactly what he was doing. From then on, if he got carried away, more than 15 minutes, I'd simply ask him if it was time to get the cold water. When he changed from yelling and screaming to jumping up and down and yelling and screaming, when he'd stop, I'd tell him he hadn't jumped up and down long enough. He had to jump up and down until he REALLY got tired of jumping up and down before I'd let him stop. When he'd start the tantrum, I'd go and get a chair and sit down beside him. It didn't take much time for him to figure out that I was preparing for the long run. Once I brought a book too. He gradually quit having the tantrums. If he started, I'd ask if I needed to get a chair. Eventually that was enough and he'd stop the tantrum.

One thing to remember. Don't reward him for the tantrum. If mine wanted a soda instead of milk and my refusal started the tantrum, then nothing to drink, period. If he wanted strawberry jam instead of grape jam on his PB&J, then nothing to eat.

If you don't like the tantrums at 3, you'll hate them at 13. And he will teach his siblings to do tantrums too if they aren't stopped.

Good luck to you and yours.

He sounds like he's overwhelmed: new baby in the house and preschool, too---that's a lot for a little guy. Sometimes you can jolly them out of a minor fuss --- if he asks for pirate juice, for example, tell him that you will look around at the supermarket and try to find him some pirate juice, or maybe you can get him some dinosaur juice, or some bug juice---but for now, all we have is this plain old grape juice--- want some?

When he starts making a big fuss over something, try sympathizing with him a little ("I'm sorry you're having a hard time... can you tell me about it?") If you can get him to express himself, he may feel a little better. But don't knock yourself out. Sympathize, and talk with him about how he feels if he can articulate it at all, but then make it clear he can't continue to fuss ("I'm sorry you're having a hard time, but you need to stop crying, so you go to your room and cry it all out. When you're done crying you can come out.")

For a little guy there are lots of changes going on. We thought us bringing home our daughter (when my son was also 3) was no biggee because he seemed not to care......well we soon realized he was affected by it. It seemed it was about 6 months later all of a sudden we were faced with the most challenging behavior from him from his birth (and he's been high maintenence since birth). We tried to make sure both me and my husband gave some special time to my son each day....If I was going to the store I'd ask if he wanted to come with me or my husband and he would go for a walk by themselves, etc.

There is also an age thing - 3 comes with the learning of independence vs dependence and I think many times they want both at the same time and get frustrated!! 3 was much worse than 2 for us......best of luck. Not really any great advice from me but sending support your way!

kids dont do well with change.

New baby plus New School = frustration

He has a great imagination. Make a bottle of juice JUST FOR HIM... if you can create a label for him with his name on it and a nice big pirate ship and put on it
"Aiden's Pirate Juice!" ARRRRR!

tell him its for him only. it will make him feel special.

when he tantrums, I hate to say it, but let him....ignore him and go on with your things as normal. You have a life too... I do this and my 3 year old soon realizes that screaming is not going to help him. When he finished his melt down, go down to his level and tell him in a calm voice that if he wants something just ask. If it is frustration over toys... kids do that all the time. Mine will even go as far as throw the toy across the room if it did not do what he wanted it to do.

the main things you can do do nip it in the bud:

1. Stay calm

2. Distract and concur (take his mind off the subject, give him something else to focus on.)

3. Ignore his meltdowns and praise his good behavior

4. Time outs when he gets out of hand, a firm voice. If he refuses, take a toy away.

5. If he asks for something that does not exist, give it to him.. pretend...!! He wants you to play with him. He misses his mommy...

watch the "1-2-3 Magic" video....it will teach you how to circumvent those tantrums.

He is 3.
This is a hard age.
Harder than 2 years old.
4 is hard too.

Just because he is now an 'eldest' sibling... he is still, just, only, 3 years old.
MANY kids, once they become an eldest sibling... are just stressed and pressured. Because now, everyone 'expects' them (regardless of their age and development).... to 'act' older and SUDDENLY 'become' older. Even when they are not ready for that. And a kid this age doesn't even know how to be older nor even what an "eldest" sibling is. And the Eldest often becomes... the 'example' for the younger sibling, by default. And that is a LOT to carry, on the tiny shoulders of a 3 year old.
They cannot... express that.
They cannot.

The "Expectations" of the parents, upon an Eldest sibling... is often not in line, with the child's age nor cognitive or emotional development.
At this age, a child's emotions are NOT even fully developed... NOR their communication skills... NOR their social skills.... NOR do they even have, fully developed "deductive reasoning" skills, either.
They are not, fully developed yet, in all these parameters.
Thus, they act this way.

Teach him... how to communicate. Teach him how to say his feelings. Teach him it is OKAY... to have feelings. Teach him it is OKAY to feel grumpy or happy or frustrated or irked. But TEACH him, how to express that. A child is not born with inherent skills, for that. It is learned. It is taught. And it takes TIME... for a young child like this, to learn all of that.
Put it this way, not even some Adults... have those skills or abilities.

He is having to adapt, all of a sudden to a new life. "He" has a baby too. It is hard. He was an only child, all this time. He can't change what happened nor how his Mommy and family and household changed.
He is trying... he is being 3 years old. He is... fumbling as young children this age does.
Teach him how.... to cope, how to communicate, teach him the NAMES for his feelings, and how to communicate that.

Teach him... that Mommy and Daddy... ARE his soft place to fall... when he is not perfect. That he can trust you.
That he is not just at the end of punishments.
Have a 'relationship' with him... not based on performance or not.

That is what a child, this age and any age, needs.

Again, a child this age... does NOT have full development of these skills yet.
And... keep "Expectations" about him, his age.... age-appropriate.
He is 3.
Not 8.
A child this age, is not articulate yet... in MANY ways, cognitively or emotionally. Nor socially.

Don't just see the "tantrum".... SEE what is below that surface.
Below any ripple on the surface of water... there is more.
Don't see him, as just a 'tantrum.'

**Now, for a young child, being around a baby all the time and a busier Mommy... is HARD. Realize that.
They need a break too.
Maybe have him in Preschool more. 3 times a week.
My daughter was that age, when she entered Preschool and LOVED it, and I had my 2nd child (a baby then) at home. It was HER thing, HER school, HER friends, HER... routine. She needed it and even told us how she LOVES preschool and HER time.... for her.

Don't give him "techniques."
Give him... YOURSELF.
Have a "relationship"... with him.
He needs, you.
He misses, you.

my 2 1/2 year old will sometimes have those "out of nowhere for no reason what in the world is going on" type of tantrums. they started a couple of months ago. and will be over the most ridiculous things, such as getting his diaper changed. he gets himself so upset and so worked up that nothing will stop it. I have found that if I put him in his room with the baby gate in front of the door and leave him in there for roughly 5 minutes and then go back and ask him "are you done yet?" then about 95% of the time he will stop crying wipe and eyes and say yeah, all done. then he is fine and goes on about his day. it is totally weird because it is like he turns into some other child for that tantrum.