Please help me. I know this is my fault but I need some ideas and support to get through it. My daughter, who is 3, has NEVER slept through the night. I believe it is my fault because I have always gone to her at every peep, and so now I'm suer it is a learned behavior but I don't know how to retrain her. I half sleep walk to her room at night because it is a habit it for me now to, to get up when she calls for me. I don't know how to train her not to call for me now. My husband just tells me to not go to her or to get on the monitor and tell her to go to sleep but it makes my stomach flip flop to listen to her cry for me and not go to her. Please help...
ADDITIONAL INFORMATION: She has a night light and a dreamlite. Sometimes she is only half awake and just says my name (out
of habit). I have always just gone in and rubbed her back and she goes right back to sleep. I was just hoping to find a way for her to learn to do this on her own. I always rush in there because I never wanted it to accelerate into crying because I am just not the "cry it out" type. I'm not saying "crying it out" is right or wrong, I'm just not capable of that method. I always have felt like “what am I teaching my child if I don’t go to them when they cry….that I won’t be there for them if they need me?” Anyway – most of the time she is not crying, just calling my name but I think it is truly just a habit of her light sleep, she moves and calls my name and I rub her back and she goes back to sleep. Our house is not huge, but I have always left the monitors on because it is a split house – our bedroom on one side, with the kids’ bedroom on the other side.
Thank you all for the advice. She already has a night light and a dreamlite. So, last night I turned the volume off on the monitor and I didn’t hear her once! HAHA. She and her big brother (5) came walking into our bedroom hand in hand this morning at 6am smiling and saying they slept through the night! Maybe the start of something good…
P.S. If she is sick or has had a bad dream I always sleep with her and that won't change. She is little and I want her to know I am here for her, but I also want her to learn to soothe herself a little when it is just a little restlessness.
Hmm. If I woke up at 3am in the dark and felt scared called out for my husband and he let me cry alone in the dark because he wanted to sleep , I don't think I would stay with him for too much longer.
I am so sorry. It amuses me that parents with kids who sleep think they made it happen. My only kid who slept through the night most nights by age 3 was the one I adopted - and he did NOT sleep through the night when he came home to us. My 3rd son is the one I "let cry". Guess who gets up every night? Yep, that one. Honestly, I believe they are either good sleepers or they aren't. You can "train her" so far, but her nature is what it is, and so is yours, so keep that in mind. Don't try to make either of you behave in a way that is contrary to your nature!
Try letting her cry for 20 minutes. Much more than that, and she really does need you (or she's super stubborn; you'll know). Nap when you can. Try to remember she'll only be little a brief while. And don't beat yourself up if you end up going to her! I don't know why we give Moms such a hard time for this. It's our basest instinct. It wasn't so many generations ago, we were sleeping in caves, huddled with our wee ones at night, probably until they were between 6 and 9!
So sure, try to let her cry a little, but shoot, she's 3, not 13. She'll sleep through the night eventually.
*hugs*
I do not think this is something you can necessarily train....I mean yes I get that you have gone to her every time she cries or wakes up (I have done the same with my three children) but that is how some mothers/fathers are. Others are okay letting their children cry it out, telling them they cannot get up in the middle of the night, etc. For me, I'd rather them know they can always come to me, at any time of the day or night. I have a 6.5 year old, 4.5 year old and 4 month old. My oldest didn't sleep through the night until she was 5 years old -needing me anywhere from 1x-5x a night depending on how bad of nightmares she had or how upset she was when she woke. My 4.5 year old slept through the night 99% of the time between ages 10 months -4 and now suddenly since his brother was born, he wakes up and comes into our room at night. I used to let him crawl into bed with us but sometimes I'm nursing a baby so now I walk him back to bed. For me, I do what I think is right FOR US. And for us, that is occasionally co-sleeping, walking the kids back to bed as often as they need it, sleeping in their rooms or letting them sleep in ours if they are really sick (but not necessarily contagious - ear infections, strep but on meds, etc). I know at some point they will no longer want to come into my room, cuddle and snuggle with me so I'm okay with letting it happen now! Probably not the answer you want....but just want you to know you are not alone!
First of all, lose the monitor! She is three, she doesn't need a baby monitor. If you don't have a monitor it is likely you won't here her "peep" and she may get a chance to fall back to sleep on her own.
What are you doing when you go to her room? What you need to try is the Ferber method. She is old for this, but you can use the same strategy.
First I would explain to her before she goes to bed that if she wakes up at night and it is still dark she needs to go back to sleep and not call for you. If she does call for you (and she probably still will), go to her room. Do not turn on any lights. Simply pat her on the back, tell her it is time to sleep, lay her back down if she is sitting up, say good night and leave the room. Wait five minutes. If she is crying or calling after five minutes repeat the process, then leave the room and wait ten minutes. If she hasn't gone to sleep after ten minutes repeat the process. Keep doing this until she goes back to sleep. It is important that you stay calm and reassuring, but be matter of fact and consistent. It is best to start on a weekend because it may take a couple of nights and you might be tired, but it will be worth it.
It isn't good for you or for her to be waking up in the middle of the night. Everyone will feel better when you are all well rested.
Enjoy this time with her. Pretty soon she will not need you at all.
I didn't leave my daughter to cry, at any age. I'm her mom, that's what we're for. She also slept with me most nights until she was much older than 3. She's actually been a really good sleeper from about 13 months on, but not because of any "training" I did.
I would suggest turning the monitor off unless you have a huge house. If you have hearing like most moms, you'll hear her when she really needs you. And then tell you husband you'll get up if you want to/need to, and soon she will be grown and not need you.
While it is hard, you just have to let her cry. When she realized that you are not jumping every time she crys she will give up.
I know this is hard, as I had to do with my my 2 year old after our last vacation. My husband aunt kept going into her room and rubbing her back every time she made a noise. It took us 3 days of letting her cry it out and she stopped.
I got my son a dreamlite which he loves (costco has the best price that I know of). They're easy for a child to turn on, and they turn off automatically after 20 minutes if you set it up that way).
My son didn't sleep through the night till he was 6 and my sister made him a weighted blanket. He would walk to my room and I'd walk him back.
You are correct in that this was a learned behavior. My doctor warned me from the start that the main reason many toddlers still wake at night is because they have been trained to need something to go back to sleep on their own (we all wake at night, but most go back to sleep without milk or mom). She is three so she should understand that night is for sleep, and that mom needs sleep as well. Let her know that if there is an emergency (she wet the bed, she feels sick/has vomited, ect) that she can come to you and wake you up, but other wise she needs to just go back to sleep on her own like a big girl. If she is scared then find out of what (the dark, the closet, ect) and make a plan together to make that thing less scary.
Get her a nighlight for her room so it's not totally dark.
In addition, get her a Dreamlite. She can put it on her pillow then turn it on
in the dark of night so she is not scared. (It projects images onto the
ceiling.).
Tell her before she goes to bed that if she wakes up she has a nightlight
and Dreamlite to use. Show her how to turn it on. Try it out @ night
before bed in her room.
You don't have to listen to her cry. Tell hubby you've got it handled & do
it your way. However, I would turn off the monitor so he doesn't wake up.
Try not to go to her for every little peep. See if she will go back to bed.
You can always go check on her from doorway & if she is fine, don't go in.
YOu need your sleep, too.
Don't worry, this phase will pass soon.
