3 Yr Old Acting Out at School

She's three years old! She's not going to be able to do all of that. It's bad enough she's in an institutional setting all day; that's very stressful for a three year old. Punishing her when she gets home is pointless since she can't connect those dots yet, and it just stresses her out more. Impulse control will take time and lots of loving attention to develop. You might consider a different environment for her. Like staying home with you.

I own and operate a preschool and I am against this whole smiley face, frown face system. I had a teacher who used to do that and believe me it did not work at all, and in some cases it can make things worse. I am not excusing your daughters behavior, however she is 4 and it is preschool where she is supposed to be learning the rules, not expected to always follow them. I do not want to criticize the teacher's methods however I do think her expectations may be a bit high. First, expecting a 4 year old to do what she is asking for some children is almost impossible. I have 5 year old children in my kindergarten class that play in the bathroom, and have to have constant monitoring. I am concerned that this constant negativity towards your daughter is going to instill negative feelings about herself. I would not punish your daughter unless she does something punishable. Like hitting another child, pushing another child, or being disrespectful to her teacher, or another child, but just because she can't remain quiet in the bathroom or the hallway is a bit much to me. There are ways that a good teacher can keep children engaged, and teach them proper school behavior. It is a process that takes time and some children take longer then others to get the rules. Does your daughter behave for you at home? At my school we line the children up and sing a song with our fingers over our lips to help them to stay in line and remain quiet. It may not be your daughter it could be her teacher, or her teacher's expectations. If I were you I would ask the teacher to lay off the smiley faces and frown faces and perhaps try to be focus on the positive. Lets face it if we look hard enough we will surely find something. If that were the case I could send home notes every day for children not following the rules. I am sure your daughter isn't proud she is misbehaving she is just becoming used to, and unaffected by getting negative reports and that is what concerns me. There are positive things you can do at home to help her want to do better. When you see her doing something positive compliment her on how helpful she was, or how kind she was. Eventually she will understand that she would much rather please mommy then disappoint her. Good luck!!

How long is her school day?
Honestly, at age 3, that sounds like a pretty high standard. I would be concerned about the school expecting way too much from someone who is only 3. She is not a little robot with an on/off switch. How much free time do they have during their day and how frequent? Are there only certain times (3 or 4 minutes in a hallway once or twice a day?) when she is expected to be really quiet and submissive? If she is being marched around in single-file lines and expected not to speak at all more than one trip up/down the hall per day then I would have an issue.

Maybe they should have "buddies" to hold hands with in lines? I hope she doesn't become "labeled" as a "bad" kid for these "frownie" faces.... it's WAY too early....

3 is still real young, to COMPLETELY follow directions, and all the time.

I would not get too hung up on the frownie faces. Much less let it affect her negatively or give her hang-ups or then have it cause her to always "compare" herself to others. Nor getting caught up in the "appearance" of things as parents compare their kids smilies/frownies against the Other Kids. Many times as well, it is the Parents that are more "competitive" about it... and then it gets displaced onto the child.
To me, that is a worse thing for a child to develop & see... as a result of the reward system.

At this age, they are STILL learning and learning what "school" is about and learning to follow direction etc. It can take the entire year, for some kids to gain that experience and then be 'able" to attain mastery over it. And even Kindergartener's are still learning this.

Also at this age, "full impulse control" is NOT developed yet. Even in older kids.

I, personally would not punish her or take things away from her, over the "frownie" faces. Because it may just backfire and make her feel self-conscious or make her give up trying to "please" everyone. Some kids, feel pressure that way.

Just encourage her, for "trying her best." For my kids, I do NOT expect them to be "perfect." That is too impossible, and it just makes them frustrated... because then NOTHING they do is ever good enough. So, I simply teach my kids to "try their best... " for what THEY are able to and age appropriately. As a result, my kids feel real good about themselves and they don't compare themselves to others in a negative way. They accept who they are and know they are doing their best and get happy about it.
Main thing is that they are Happy... about what they are doing, where they are, and that they ENJOY school.

I am sure there are lots of other kids that did not listen well to everything, nor have on their listening ears. Even if you motivate her with with something... a 3 year old gets easily distracted or perhaps the other kids are not listening either. And she is in a class of many kids now... not just one on one with you or a Teacher... so keeping a child ON point and ON cue... is not always easy... nor the "fault" of only the child. I'm sure the Teacher does not always have their listening ears on either.

Is she ready for a school environment?

All the best,
Susan

shame on that preschool! Just because it's a "Christian" preschool does not mean that they cannot be without fault. And there is serious issue here.

The whole reward/punishment method can create lifelong emotionally debillitating issues. I don't believe in rewarding children for expected behavior.....other than a simple "thank you" for listening to me. In addition to this, I also believe that punishing a child (such as in your daughter's situation) is completely unacceptable.

Unfortunately, my son was on the receiving end of this type of behavior modification. He was in 2nd Grade, & once the teacher got into the habit of checking off on his behavior chart....then there was NO chance at success. Not a day went by without him getting multiple "checkmarks", & only twice during the 2nd semester did he get to participate in the Fun Friday activities. TWICE in 1/2 a school year! No matter what we did, that teacher would not modify her own bad habits & the children in the class paid for it. (my son was not the only one on the receiving end of this- almost 1/4 of the class had the same issues. & guess what? That teacher retired at the end of the year!)

I truly believe it is time to meet with the teacher & the director of the preschool. If this subject is not open to discussion, then it's time to change schools. As for your daughter, start spending time modeling your desired behavior.....as some of the other moms have said. Get a good feel for what your daughter is doing & what she needs to improve on. BUT, be very careful NOT to let her know you expect change.....simply model that behavior & she will automatically mimic you! Kids excel when things are presented in a positive, nurturing atmosphere....as opposed to a negative environment, where they are expected to change/behave better. Peace!

I don't think anything is wrong with your daughter - I would pull her out of that school immediately. I don't believe they understand child development or they wouldn't be using this system - especially on 3 year olds. It's ridiculous and as some others have said - harmful.

Yes - model the behavior you would like to see; let her know what behavior You expect in different situtations and share with her what that means in action - you know, sometimes their eyes tend to wander or glaze over if you're talking to long or too above the level of understanding.

There are also good books out there you could use - I'm thinking of Jamie Lee Curtis's book, "Big Words for Little People" - it goes beyond deportment and deals with empathy, responsibility, etc., too. I got it for my grandson when he was three and we still read it just about every week when he comes over.

Get her out of that school!

Coming from an early childhood background, I wonder if the question to ask is if the teacher's expectations are age appropriate? Or if there is another child at school she is especially fond of that maybe acts out that she is trying to follow? If this is not consistent with what you know about your daughter, look into the school a little more closely and see if the teacher will work with you. Sometimes, different children are just motivated by different things, and maybe this system is not working for her. I would definitely get more info from the teacher and really try to work together to find something that works well for both the classroom and your child.

I could not agree more with what the other Mama's have told you. Your little one is THREE years old not 13...let her be a toddler!!! I would definitely not punish her in any way for the frownie faces, by the time she gets home she has already moved on to something else and has not idea what on earth that frownie face was for. Celebrate the smiley faces and forget the frownie faces. You can work on the things that she needs to have reinforced there at home...talk to her about using her "listening ears" and show her what that is by using YOUR "listening ears" with her!!! Get down on her level and really give her 100% of your attention when she wants to talk to you about something. Read stories to her and then ask her age appropriate questions about what the two of you just read.
And you may be right about her being proud of doing poorly in school...if you spend a lot of time interacting with her about her "failures" then she has found this to be an attention getting mechanism...so like the old song says 'accentuate the positive,eliminate the negative"!!!

Kids seem to be wired backwards from adults at some stages. Maybe she feels like she's getting more attention when she gets frownie faces. Have you evaluated her at home and school and ensure that she's getting more attention for happy faces than the frownie ones? Maybe she's getting more attention at school for the frownies.

Positive reinforcement works better than punishment at that age and needs to be more immediate. Take her to the dollar store after school if she gets more smiley faces than sad. Let her pick out something small each day that she does so. It needs to be progressive. So gradually increase the number of smiley faces that she needs. When you get to all smiley faces and she does that, stop at the dollar store every 2 days that she has all smiley faces, etc. If you don't have time to stop at the store, bring her a small surprise each day. Eventually, you will work up to the special surprises on weekends only.

It sounds like she's in the preschool equivelant of military school. I don't like it and I think you need to get her in a decent school or find a good in home provider.

I am very strict and these are things I strive to teach. BUT, I don't expect any child to do any of these things all day long. Even grown ups have a hard time with some of these!

It's unfair to expect a 3 year old child to remember what they did or didn't do to earn these frownie faces. If it was a big thing like hitting or throwing a huge trantrum they might remember. But they probably would not remember why. Children need to be corrected right then, in the moment, not hours later.

As a provider myself I do not TATTLE on my children everyday. If I am having an issue that I think is turning into a repetative issue or if I think a child is struggling and feeling sad about something, or if the child is being destructive and I must bring the parents in, I will. But for the most part, I believe while they are with me it's MY job to train and teach a child how to behave in my house. I hope that I will teach good skills that will carry over to their own home and out in public. But I also believe children behave very differently in different situations and with different people.

If you really like the school, ignore the faces completely. But seriously, she's 3 years old. Let her be a child for crying out loud.

I would simply make a point to show her what good listening is. Emphasize when you kneel down to talk to her or that you are making eye contact when she is talking. Make a game out of pairing a few silly tasks together and let her practice doing in the right order. And just acknowledge her when she does it correctly. If she makes good eye contact with you when you talk to her...tell her so and that she did a good job. If you only asked once for her to put her shoes on and she followed through, make a big deal that it helps you when she follows directions and you didn't have to repeat yourself!

My son goes to a school with the same type of system. Though he is 5 now, we had been having those types of issues too. After one particularly frustrating week full of frowny faces, we sat down and did a chart together at home. We called it the "good note chart" and made 5 boxes across, and 4 boxes down-enough for 4 weeks of school days. Everyday that he got a good note at school, he got to put a sticker on that day, and would earn a quarter for each sticker (it was totaled, not in the hand everyday!). At the end of the school week, we would put the total money at the end of the week, and then after 4 weeks, he was able to get a special toy he wanted. I think he ended up with $5.00 all together. But you get the idea. But it really did help him get back on track, and feel good about doing good at achool. I find that incentives and being rewarded for good behaviour works a lot better than taking things away for bad behaviour. At least, in the case of my son, it does. Not to say that I haven't, but I just get better results that way. Anyway, it is just an idea, and you can come up with your own. I just wanted to let you know you are not alone and this is what worked for me. Good luck!

Have you ever thought that maby the teacher and your daughter are clashing for some reason... Or maby there is a reason why she is not putting her listnening ears on or following directions sometimes kids act out because there is something else going on maby she is getting bullied and the teacher is not doing anything about it My son did that when he was young that is why I am bringing that to your attention I think maby you should sit her down and ask her is something else is going on... and if there is a reason that she has started acting like this other kids can be very mean and sneaky but I would not take the reading away....Encourage her to try to get along with the teacher sounds to me there is a problem with the teacher especially when you are contantly getting notes from her are other kids getting this or is it just your daughter? How many other kids are getting these notes??? Just a suggestion good luck

Hi S., I have a 12 year old son and what works for us to really reward the positive behavior that we see him doing. When we place alot of attention on the good/positive behavior that we want to see and make a big deal out of it, it motivates him to continue to display the positive behavior. Sometimes kids seem to like whatever attention they get whether it be for positive behavior or negative behavior. I would also brag on her in front of others, maybe if you pick up, be sure to brag on her when she behaves well in front of dad or grandparents. It seems to work for us.