3 Yr Old Who "Doesn't Want To"

My almost 4 year old started the "I don't want to" thing about a couple of months ago. He melts into a teary puddle on the floor when he doesn't want to do something. I've found that the time outs really only work for me - when I need to be away from him for a couple of minutes. What's been working for us lately is "if you want to play with or do XXX again, you need to stop now".

We also started a "good behavior" sticker chart. He gets a sticker for everything done correctly and if he has 10 out of 15 stickers for the day, he gets a special sparkly sticker. When I remind him that he can get a sticker before he goes to bed if he doesn't whine or have a crying tantrum, he usually stops.

I'm a mom of 6 and I've dealt with this 5 times now (my youngest hasn't gotten there yet!). I think you're right about what is going on. In my opinion that's the age that kids start deciding that they are going to grow up a little...whether we like it or not! My oldest daughter started it at 2. She would no longer let me even assist her when getting dressed. She had to do it all by herself. My son was a little older at 3, but the same type of thing happened as you're describing.

The best way that I found to deal with this is:

1. Pick your battles. They need to be able to show their independence, so ask yourself, "Do I really need to argue this?" and "Will it hurt them in some way for them to do this?" If the answer is no, let them do it. They're just asking for a little space. This will make it easier on you in the later years too, because you won't have them getting independent all of a sudden at 13 and find yourself suddenly trying to adjust!

2.Make sure that you let them know that there is a different way to ask for the priveledge. They're just learning to communicate and I feel like it's my job to assist them with words if they aren't choosing correctly themselves. You don't have to be angry or demanding, you're their teacher...just a matter-of-fact, "Oh, are you trying to tell me that you want to do it yourself?" or if you actually say to them, "Mommy, can I please have two more minutes?" letting them repeat it back to you.

3.I've also found it REALLY helpful to say, "Would you like me to help you, or would you like to do it yourself?" when it comes to something like cleaning up toys or doing something that you've asked them to do. For the first several times it's usually that they want your help, but then they discover that doing it themselves is more rewarding. When I give my help, I always make sure that they aren't getting out of doing the job...but helping too! I like to say something positive when we're done, like, "Wow, we were quick!" or "What a big helper, good job!"

4. The 'warning'. I always like to give a 2-5 minute warning if they are going to have to stop an activity that they are enjoying. If they throw a fit, I remind them that I told them a few minutes ago that we were going to be leaving and then let them know what's next on the agenda. Sometimes saying, "We've done our fun thing by going to the library, now it's time to go get some stuff done, then we'll see what other fun thing we can do later!" will be enough to get them to the car without further incident!

It really matters how you say it. If you are angry, it's not teaching, but preaching. Kids of all ages seem to be much more receptive to the first type!

One more thing. Don't threaten time out. Either do it or don't. If you want to give him to the second time you ask to send him to the time out chair, fine, but I'm struggling with older kids right now that don't take me seriously until the third time I ask! With so many kids I'm talking most of my waking hours! Wish I'd known when they were little and I would have done it a little differently. :) OK, so two more things...don't ever feel like a jerk. Are you being firm with him out of love or out of want of power over him? You want him to grow up to be a good kid...so keep being firm. He'll appreciate it when he's older!

Boy, didn't know all that was going to come out! Hope it helps and I didn't come off as a know-it-all! Good luck!

I whole-heartedly agree with Molly W. about offering acceptable choices. I do this many times a day with my 2 year old, and it really diffuses the battle of the wills because she feels she has some control. I'll use this for transitions, too: "Do you want to leave now or in two minutes?" The answer is always 'two minutes', but we rarely have any fits over leaving (even very fun places like the playground). I find this also makes it easier for the times when choices simply aren't available - she's more willing to go along since we haven't been battling over many little things. Around here, yes-no questions are avoided if at all possible :).

I've also taken a Love and Logic parenting class (there's a book about early childhood, too) and found it had some very useful tools. Along with offering choices, my other favorite is the 'uh-oh' response...I'd explain but I probably wouldn't do it justice. I'd recommend the book :).

I also very much agree with Kate W. that HOW you say it is very important, too. Being matter-of-fact and empathetic goes a long way.

ADDITION: I forgot to mention, that if she doesn't pick one of the choices in a reasonable time (20 sec?) I make a choice for her. Doesn't happen often, and does result in some whining...but I think the follow-through is important.

You MUST enforce your authority now before he gets older. Kids will test their limits, no matter how good of a kid they are. And they will do anything to get their way. If you threaten, make sure you carry out the consequence that you say you will, because if you don't, your child knows that he can get away with throwing fits because mommy won't actually do anything but bark at him. Time outs sound like they're not working, so I'd move on to other forms of punishment, like removing privileges, using spankings, etc. Remember- if you cannot carry out the discipline/consequence that you threaten him with, then don't say it! Kids are smart!

I'll reinforce what some others have said. Give a 2 minute warning prior to enforcement. I found with my children that if I said, "Bed time in 2 minutes." or "We're going to the store in 5 minutes." When the time was up, and I said it was time to go, I got virtually no arguement. Kids sometimes have a hard time switching from one task to another immediately. The couple minute warning gives them a chance to switch gears. I also found presentation of appropriate choices very useful. Calmly ask, "Would you like to turn off the TV, or would you like me to?" At 3, there's a lot of independence being demonstrated. I found if I did something for them(thinking I was being helpful), I could have an instant melt down, because, "I wanted to do THAT!!!" Giving them the choice saved time and aggrivation for both of us. Good luck, and remember it will only be easier when he's a teenager :O)

I also had a son who skipped terrible two's and chose to have terrible now I'm three stage. It is just a stage and another mommy test of being consistent with your response. Tell him you will not talk to him while he is on the floor, whining or doing bad behavior using your low voice rather than your high voice.

T.,

It sounds like he's testing the boundaries (and your patience :)). My son still is this way sometimes, and he's now 4 1/2. Just be consistent and TRY not to let the whining and tantrums get to you. When my son would/does get this way he gets sent to his room with a "if you're going to throw a tantrum, do it it your room, we don't want it here in the <insert whatever room you're in>". As for the "but I want to" tantrum, now is a good time for him to learn that we don't always get what we want. I still use that line with my son. "But I want . . ." "Well, we don't always get what we want, stop whining". He usually stops.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

Try a transitional warning "[name] we need to leave for the store in about 10 minutes so get ready to turn off the movie" or whatever. Then when it comes time to turn off the movie it can be "[name] its time to turn off the movie, do you want to do it or do you want mommy to" If this results in a tantrum calmly :) watch the tantrum while you count to 10 under your breath and then say "OK, you didn't choose so mommy gets to choose" and turn off the TV. The next bit is to tell him that you see he's really upset and that you'll be waiting right over there, by the door, or whatever for him to calm down so that you can leave. . . etc.

Check out the love and logic parenting program, bassically you smother your son with acceptable choices whenever you need him to do something. It will work. And you can still use time outs, we did. Our time outs were automatics for things that needed to stop immediatey, hitting etc.

Good Luck!
F.

Maybe you have already tried transition warnings. "I'll need you to turn off the movie in 2 minutes"...leave the play ground, get dressed...what ever. It doesn't always work but its worth a try. Everything is a phase...this too shall pass! Have fun.

I am a mother of four... oldest to youngest: 12 (boy), 11 (girl), 8 (boy), and 1 (boy). I remember very well the whining about everything. I learned very quickly that if I didn't follow through after one warning, they would walk all over me. Be persistant, but when it's all over, talk to him so he understands that sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do and that sometimes we don't get to do things that we do want to do. If he learns now that when you say you're going to do something you mean it, he will learn to obey with less questioning and whining... this will pay off big-time in the future. Stick with it.