3.5 Year Old Preoccupied with Death.

My daughter too, started talking about dying and heaven about 3.5 to 4 years of age and still does so on occassion and she is now 5. I just think it is them trying to understand it and grasp the concept because it doesn't make sense, if you think about it. She talks about how she is going to be sad and miss me when I go to heaven. Talks about people around her dying, although she has little experience with it.

I think it is pretty typical for all kids to go thru this at some times. I swear there are times when my daughter will obsess about it and then it stops. Only to start a few months down the road. Now she is into playing "dead" with her friends, and they all are into playing dead. I don't get it at all.

I'd just try to be casual about it. If she asks questions, be matter of fact, but not overly forthright with info. Basically, be kind of bored about it and maybe the interest will slow down.

My son was 4 when out elderly cat passed away and he kept coming back to the subject for several months. It was kind of different because he saw the cat sick and just after she died.

It sounds like you are doing a good job reassuring her that people only die if they are very old, very sick or badly injured. Her make believe play is also her way of making sense of the issue. Maybe ask her why she is so concerned about it, what she thinks might happen, etc. When I was a kid it helped me to know if by chance something happened to my parents that I would probably got to live with my grandparents or other relatives. My son knows that as well (he is almost 6).

I don't think every kid focuses on death but it isn't really uncommon either.

I don't think this is very unusual. Children pick up on more things than they communicate. They look, they listen, they try to figure out their world, they stew about it, and they wonder.

I remember when my older son was about that age, and every morning we drove past a derelict drive-in restaurant building. It had been abandoned since we moved to that neighborhood. It was just... there. One day, it wasn't; the building was half-gone, in the process of destruction. I glanced in the rear-view mirror and my son's face had gone white. It hadn't occurred to him that buildings could be taken down. It was such a shock. We talked about it... how buildings were built and un-built, how the building wasn't alive the way he was and taking it down didn't hurt it, how something else would be built on that site and we could watch it go up.

It's really surprising what goes on in children's heads.

I remember, further back, that when I worried about death as a young child, my parents simply told me not to worry. They thought that would comfort me, and maybe it should have. They did the best they knew how, but it didn't help a whole lot.

If your daughter were my daughter, I think I would say, "Yes, I will die some time, and so will you. In this world everything that's alive dies sooner or later. That's the way this world is made. I want you, and myself, to live happily for a very long time, so I try to make us healthy and keep us safe. I will be here for you as long as possible because I want to take care of you. There will *always* be someone to take care of you."

I would also start telling her about the concepts my religion provides - let her know that there is another, better life after this one, and that nothing is random or meaningless.

To my thinking, that sort of answer teaches concepts a child can think about and it can open the door for more - yes! - questions and answers. It also provides a little security to a very young child, to know that she won't be abandoned and that she *can* count on someone being there to take care of her. I bet that's in her mind, even though she may not be verbalizing it.

My son was just a bit older when he *Really* started asking the questions and becoming obsessed with the topic of death and when and why we have to die. He just turned 6 and still we have the random conversation about it. I answer him honestly (but softly) every time, every question...

I am not sure if it has helped. I had, as a child, a very hard time with the concept, I still remember lying in bed at night and having it just roll around in my head FOR HOURS...consequently as an adult I am still very afraid of death...and I think my son is like myself in this way.

I am not sure what exactly it is to do about it. It doesn't appear to be monopolizing his time as much, I think he is coming to grips with it...albeit slowly...

It is sad isn't it?

I myself have cried for him in my bed, late at night, after a question session...just knowing that he is lying in bed working it out in his little head, hurts me so much...but we all have to come to grips with it at some point, right?

My daughter was obsessed with dying and skeletons and such after her 4th Halloween. She drew death scenes, including blood all the time. She even told us what she wanted her dress and casket to look like when she died. This lasted about 4 months pretty heavy.

It will likely pass. Just talk to her about it and be honest with her. It's a concept that is new and intriguing. If you're having trouble the topic, try to find someone to talk to for yourself. Keep the dialogue open with her, though. Don't shut down her normal curiosity.

I think it's normal especially since you've had some health problems. Babies are born knowing that they need their mother to take care of them and that if they don't they will die. It's instinct. At 3 1/2 she is concerned about you leaving her. She still knows that she needs you. I would spend time reassuring her that you will always take care of her. Acknowledge her concern. Do not tell her to think about happy things. Allow her to feel whatever she's feeling. By pushing her feelings away you're causing her to need to hold on to it.

I would spend as much time as she needs answering her questions instead of being vague and pushing the subject away.

My 8 yo grandson has been interested in death for years. He still looks at statuary and says "he's dead." He wants to get out of the car and touch the statue. Death is an abstract concept that is difficult to comprehend. At 3 1/2 she doesn't want to know about the abstract idea. She wants concrete information about death as it applies to her and her family. She wants reassurance that mommy isn't going away.

You don't know what she's overheard someone say about death or illness. When my youngest brother was born, I. aged 11, overheard my uncle say that she almost died. I asked him about it and he said it was my baby brother that almost died. I thought it was my mother because she did have postpartum depression and we were staying with my uncle. He didn't reassure me in any way and I was fearful for quite awhile that even tho my mother didn't die she still could.

It is normal. You don't know how his last life ended or what he faces in this lifetime. There are books about handling death written for small children. See if any of those at the public library help him.

My oldest daughter also went through a phase where she was very concerned about dying and heaven. She would ask questions nearly every night about what happens when you die, what you get to take to heaven, and many more! It was quite disconcerting! Why do they always ask these questions at bedtime?! I think that this is just the way kids work things out in their minds. Acting things that are on their minds or that they are worried about in play is also very normal and actually quite healthy. It helps them work things out and process them. I think what your daughter is going through is very normal. Just answer her questions simply and concisely, and don't add anything more. Eventually, it will just fade away to be replaced by another issue.

I will add that my daughter tends to be a little OCD and has never, in her almost 20 years, not had something that she obsesses about, some more than others. She comes by it naturally, as we have quite a few family members with OCD symptoms, (cough, her father)! It could be that your anxiety issues, possibly related to a little OCD as well, could be something that your daughter shares with you. Our doctor always just told us not to let her obsessions become our obsessions. That advice helped tremendously! We have learned to be pretty non-chalant when discussing things that have become a little more obsessive. She can tend to drive us a little crazy, so there have been times when we have had to say enough already! She is definitely our squeaky wheel! However, she is a healthy, happy, very beautiful and intelligent young woman who is currently an honor student in college and doing very well. So I think you can just take a deep breath and relax!

I am glad you are getting help for your anxiety. That may help you deal with her anxiety issues, if there are any, as well and recognize if these are healthy or something that needs attention.

Good luck!

I have a four year old daughter who also has been asking questions about death for about 6 months now. It is disconcerting and even shocking at times and of course brings up the thought in my mind of her death or mine. As many other people have said, I think this is a natural time to be asking these questions because they are in the process of realizing that they are separate beings from their parents..individuals and as such this brings up the idea of life and birth which naturally brings up the opposite of that.. death. As others have said, answering the questions they ask simply, without judgement and calmly is the best way to deal with it. Good luck to you! As with most things with kids "this too shall pass"