I am currently pregnant with my third baby. I had a baby shower with my first two because there were large age differences and we had nothing left by the time the second child came around.
We are now pregnant again but this is going to be the first boy and my sister-in-law has called and expressed interest in planning a shower, however she lives a few states away and does not even think she will be able to make it here to actually host the event. I do not want to appear as though I am hosting this shower myself as it is our third child but I'm unsure what to tell my sister-in-law about planning an event she cannot attend?
I had thought about waiting until after the baby was born and just having a welcoming party but because I strictly breastfeed my babies I always end up isolated in a room by myself and never get the chance to socialize or even show off the baby to people that would come. I have even had people go so far as to tell me I am being rude by being alone in another room, which I personally think it is ridiculous because I am just not comfortable breast feeding in front of my husbands relatives that I see once a year. SO I came to the conclusion that a welcoming party would probably not work in my case.
What I am wondering is do I decline the baby shower offer from my sister-in-law or offer to help her? She does have another sister that lives close by that I thought may help her seeing as she is so far away but that sister has expressed her dissinterest in doing anything at all. I am greatly leaning towards just declining the offer but my husband has made it very clear to everyone that he wants to celebrate this child the same way the other two were celebrated and doesn't feel this one should be treated differently simply because he is the last born.
Apparently I need to clear up a few things because I have gotten some (as I perceive it) rude answers. First of all, my children tend to breast feed for at least half an hour.. on each side..., both of them were what the pediatrician calls "lazy eaters" or "grazers" so it does take a LOT of my time, I em envious of those women who are done in 10 min and their baby is full. My children have never been like that. And aside from switching to a bottle there is no other solution for that. It is not simply an "excuse" as one poster put.
The other thing is that no one has come to two showers for me, I lived in a different country before I met my husband and my first daughter was from a different relationship. The reason my sister in law threw me a shower for my second one was because we literally had NOTHING and HIS family wanted to have a shower and partake in the event. I had no issue with it. I do not have ANY relatives or friends that live anywhere near me, the closest is 50 hours away. It is all just my husbands family and NONE of them have children.
And no I don't just want "blue" items, I have gone through EVERYTHING I had left from when my daughter was born and out of it I have a total of 5 onesies and two sleepers that aren't Pink, Flowery, or otherwise for a GIRL. Even though I could care less about gifts, I wouldn't care if I had a shower either way. Which is why I asked the question on whether to decline my sister-in-law's offer because she is so far away. I had pretty much made up my mind to decline it anyway but the amount of rude comments I got just confirmed that people are really far too judgmental for my liking.
ADDITIONAL EDIT:
No I do not think that simply because a poster said to decline the offer that the are being rude. There were lots of posters who said to decline the offer but did so in a nice way. My response above was only responding to a few specific posters that I found to be offensive, it was in no way pertaining to everyone who said to decline the offer, which is why I added additional information. I appreciate the "constructive criticism" that was given by some and that is why I asked for advice, for the constructive posts, not the judgemental ones.
ADDITIONAL EDIT #2:
In response to Erika C's question, yes my husband is the last born in his family. He has three older sisters and is the only boy, he is also about 10 years younger than his older sisters who are all close in age. I agree with you that may be partially the reason he feels so strongly about our son having a shower as well.
I may be in the minority here but if this were my third pregnancy I would politely decline a third shower. Yes, every child is special, but a shower is for showering the mother with gifts and items that are needed for introducing a baby into the family. With two other children, you likely have most of what you need anyway other than 'blue' clothes which really isn't a 'need'.
I am all for having 3 baby showers. Looks like I'm the minority:) and no I don't have 3 children.. only one. lol I am planning my sisters 3rd right now actually. I am calling it a baby "sprinkle" - meaning she only needs the necessities and small items (ya know, like diapers, wipes, bottles, etc) But, I'd say if someone who lives close to you has not offered to throw a baby shower for you I might decline the offer from someone who lives out of state and wouldn't even be able to attend. That honestly doesn't make much sense to me. And I def would not throw my own shower. lol, BUT like I said, if someone else offers I would accept. I think baby showers are fun and not all about the presents.
I wouldn't have a 3rd shower, if you she wants to buy you something let her but most people look down on 2nd baby showers much less a 3rd. Sorry to be rude but there are ways to inexpensively get the things you need and having a 2nd/3rd baby shower in MHO is tacky, sorry.
I say no shower. I am a big believer in only ONE shower for your first child. I strongly disagree with having any more. If someone wants to purchase a gift for your other children they will without having a shower.
I agree with the first poster that it would be best to politely decline the offer. Does your husband seriously think when your new baby grows up that he will be hurt because there was not a shower for him. Come on, now. The baby is not even here so he is not being "treated" in any way. No matter if you view this as a "celebration" you will not be able to keep some of your guests from thinking that you are greedy and trying to make them buy you gifts. Too many people just think that way...I have heard a LOT of women gossip about others who have done multiple showers....they go, give a gift and gossip about it being tacky for years and years. Personally, knowing that so many feel that way, I would feel too embarassed to have a second let alone third shower. Perhaps you can find a way to have a party/celebration where gifts are off limits. That way you will have your celebration for this child. You will receive gifts when the child is born regardless....I know I always at least send an outfit or something to my friends who have had new babies. Congrats on your pregnancy.
Edited to Add: Please don't take anyone's response as a personal attack against you. You asked if we thought you should (1) decline the offer from your SIL or (2) help her plan your shower. Please don't think that everyone who voted "decline" as rude. Maybe you only wanted a one word response but I believe folks just feel the need to explain why they responded the way that they did. Or at least I did. I did not think anything in your post made you personally sound "greedy" or "gift hungry" I was just sharing the feedback I've heard over the years when this topic comes up...perhaps I just know too many caty women.
I agree to politely decline the shower. Think of your friends and family who have already attended two showers for you. Most people probably feel that is enough. And of course the baby will have no idea. I didn't want a shower for either of my 2 children and they're just fine! :)
I'd decline her offer. baby showers are for people having a baby that have NO baby things. This is your third baby. I'm with tedsmommy: no shower.
If you really, really want gifts (please don't register!), have a welcome baby party and deal with the issue of breastfeeding the best you can. I'm sorry--that sounds like a poor excuse for not doing it AFTER the baby at your home. Congrats on #3!
EDITED TO ADD*** You asked for advice and you got advice, whether you agree or not. I stand by my answer. If you have gone through everything and cannot replace what you need, maybe look at some re-sale shop options? Ultimately it's up to you. Who "hosts" a shower and can't attend?
It's amazing to me how there are "defined rules" for the definition of a baby shower. I hosted my friend's 3rd baby shower because I wanted to celebrate her as a mother and the arrival of a new person into this world. Why do people feel there needs to be rules for that? Sure it might be tradition, however where do traditions start? Who started them? What were they thinking when they created these traditions? Why can't we as a generation, individuals, groups, mothers, fathers, children start new ones? I had a baby shower a couple years ago and the theme was "baby and beer." Why? So that the male friends who were invited would be more comfortable joining in. We had no "baby shower games" as I never really liked them and people who attended were mainly friends with their partners and family. I'm glad those who attended were not the kind to gossip about how inappropriate the shower was. Sheesh, it's a celebration of a joyful event and anyone who can't appreciate that truly needs to wonder about what is important in life...
Don't have a third shower. The baby has no clue and will never care if a shower was thrown in his honor. Since the SIL can't actually plan it, host it, etc. you should thank her and decline. If your husband is truly adamant about doing something, have him plan and completely oversee and get ready for a sip-n-see for after the baby's birth -even though you'll be in another room breastfeeding. He needs to be realistic and do whatever you want. You're the one having the baby.
I just want to say that I find it completely illogical and judgemental for people to say they "strongly disagree" with having a shower for any baby after the first one. Maybe it's just the word shower that makes people lock it into a small pigeon hole and narrow and limit the ability for people to want to celebrate bringing a life into this world! I for one cannot think of ANY MORE JOYOUS occasion that I would want to celebrate other than that. If I had 10 children I would have 10 showers (parties to celebrate the new life coming into the world) Yeah I said it, so there!!!! And I will have a birthday party for each one every year, and a graduation party for each one, etc, why should only the first child be worthy of receiving gifts from his adoring and willling family and friends? The word shower makes some people (those who only know how to think inside the box the way they were programmed to) think of showering people with gifts as the reason. What about showering people with love, joy, and emotional support etc? People are so materialistic that we can't celebrate now? sheesh. Have the party, please, your husband is right, celebrate this one just the same as the last two. You're not asking for anything, just for people to come and share in your joy, if they don't understand that, that's their problem.
Someone else asked this question not to long ago, and got the same rude answers, what I told her was.... If I was ever pregnant again, I would want to have another shower, its not about the presents, being pregnant is the happiest times of your life, so why not celebrate with your friends! I say go for it, and enjoy it!
Congrats on adding to your family!! :-)
I also think that you shouldn't do a third shower. I think baby showers are to "help" get first time parents off with lots of new things they probably can't afford for their baby. I don't think it's appropriate to do it for subsequent children.
If you want to have a "welcoming" party for this child, then that's your business, I don't think anyone should throw the party for you. It's your party, for your child. Perhaps your sister in law can help you throw a party welcoming the new baby. As far as your BFing, I don't understand why you're isolated in a room never getting a chance to socialize? How long does BFing take? I mean, go nurse your baby, then go visit with your friends. Basically, I think if you're going to have people over, you do have some responsibility to "play hostess". No one says you have to have a party within a week of giving birth. So wait until you're feeling ok, then have the welcoming party. Maybe a family member, like your mom, can agree to "take care" of the baby, while you visit with friends.
PLEASE PLEASE tho, think about NOT inviting everyone. The season is changing and it is not a good idea to have a ton of people handling your baby and bringing in cold/flu germs to a newborn.
That's just my 2 cents. I hope it helps you.
wow...people are so rude these days!! what happened to if you cant say anything nice, dont say anything at all??? First people need to actually read and understand whats being asked here not just pick out bits and pieces!! She isnt saying she HAS to have a shower or she HAS to have gifts she was wondering whether or not to accept the offer...since when are people set on "traditions"?!? Nothing anyone does these days is traditional!! If you want the shower have it :) who cares if people gossip.....its life! Its sad that people would honestly "gossip about her for years" because they had more than one baby shower! GROW UP!! I look at it this way...if there are people really offended about you having a 3rd baby shower they just dont need to come!! Celebrate this wonderful gift God has given you!! dont let RUDE comments change your mind!! i say go for it!!!
I would decline the shower. You should have all the basics from your last child seeing that these two are closer in age like the crib, car seat, stroller, swing, etc. I'm sure family will get him gifts anyways once he arrives.
My girls were 14 & 9 yrs old when I was preggars with my 1st son. My mom-in-law lives in NY and I'm in GA. She planned a baby shower for me in NY. She understood that I couldn't attend, but did it anyway. Lots of family members showed up and brought nice gifts and gift cards. She had food, games, pictures, and even a baby shower cake. Let your in-laws have a shower for you in your absence. With you having your 1st boy, you'll be surprise at what you will need. Let people do nice things for you, cause after the baby is no longer a newborn, they tend to forget about you.
I would decline a planned shower as well. However, if your SIL still wants to throw a "surprise" party for this baby, it is still possible.
When we were pregnant with our first baby we had to relocate for DH's job. I was new to a job in the area myself. That being said we had no friends or family close by or even in this state. My mom threw me a surprise party via Skype. She had all of our friends and family over at her house. We still played games and had a lot of fun. I opened the gifts that were sent to our new house and she opened the gifts that were brought to hers. It was different but very very memorable and extremely kind and considerate of her to do that for me.
:-)
There are a few things going on here. The husband correlates a baby shower with gifts as being necessary to show equal treatment. Babies certainly sense stress, anger, love, joy - but they can't count presents. (Not to be too weird, but is he one of the last in the family and feel like he got the short end of the stick on parties, presents, etc.? It would be really helpful to figure that one out.)
If the sister-in-law is not present, she is not hosting it - she is just sending out invitations. So while it is kind of her to have good thoughts, in this case, one really needs someone on the ground, in town, hosting the event. Since there is nobody to do that, I'd say, let it go. People will bring baby gifts when they visit little by little. And if you don't baptize the baby, why not have a party to celebrate his birth once he is nursing at 4 hour intervals so he can be passed around and you can be present for most of the party.
If someone offers to throw the shower, then I think they should be there to host it. If they won't be there, then why throw it? I guess it doesn't make sense to me, but that doesn't matter in your case! ;)
If it is all his family that wants to gather for a shower, then they should do the planning and everything, with little or no help from you (except for the invitation list). You should be able to sit back, relax, and enjoy it. If you feel uncomfortable about the appearance of a self-hosted shower, then let SIL know you don't feel right about it. Let her know she should pick a date that she can be sure to attend. If that is impossible, be sure those invited know who threw it. If it is all his side of the family that will be in attendance, then they should all know anyway. Your closest friends will understand, and others won't be invited so don't worry about them!
Congrats and HAVE FUN!!! :)
**EDIT: I just read another poster's suggestion to ask someone like your mom to "take care" of baby while you have people over and socialize. You said you would be brestfeeding. There is NO WAY on God's Green Earth that would I allow my mom (or anyone else, family or not) to nurse my baby!!
I think you should go for it! Since your sister in law can't be there for the shower, maybe when she sends the invitations she could write something like "The shower is being given by "Auntie Sue" but unfortunately I will not be in attendance due to the fact that I live so far away". Then everyone will know who is giving the shower and why she isn't there.
Maybe she can be there via computer. Set it up with a webcam so she can see and hear everything that is going on, and if she has a webcam on her end also, everyone can see and talk to her as well. Skype is great for that! (We do this for my daughter that lives on the other side of the country whenever we have a family get together so she doesn't feel completely left out. Everyone loves it!)
I am not even going to read your answers because I read your "what happened" and just KNOW people were rude about a third shower.
Guess what?? I am having a baby shower this weekend for my THIRD baby (insert gasp here!)!! The horror!
My girlfriends and family are super excited to come and celebrate our first daughter five years after my last son.
Do not take what any of these naysayers are saying to heart. If they are family and "real" friends they will understand that you are loving and supporting this next baby and just excited about the impending birth.
It may seem a bit "wierd" to have the host not there. But again, if it is family and friends they will completely understand...especially if she says something on the invitation about her not being able to be there but super excited to celebrate the new baby!
Sometimes I am soooo thankful that I have the friends that I do...cuz Lord knows I am going to PARTY this weekend!
L.
Money is tight for many people right now. If I were invited to a baby shower or welcoming, I would feel obligated to purchase a gift. We don't have any expendable income right now, but I would still feel like that is the right thing to do. So you may wish to think about that before deciding on a formal gathering.
Another thing I would like to note is that I had a baby girl but recieved many clothing hand-me-downs that were for boys. Around the house, who cares what the baby is wearing? Even when we went out she still wore boy clothes. They go through them so fast, it seems a waste, in my opinion, to not use the clothes you have already.
I really like the idea of "Baby Sprinkle" party for sure.
I know I would not accept beyond the first shower. I do know that several small churches here have a shower for each child in cases where the family can not afford things. It is done as an act of love and no one gossips or is tacky about it. When a M. has everything and then another shower a year or two after the baby is born, she will get a shower but it won't be a nice shower and the women will gossip about her for years.
Hi K.!
I'm sorry you got rude answers! It does seem to be "one of those" issues! Anyway, I had showers for both of my babies, and dear friends had one for each of three, because we wanted to celebrate their joy! We didn't get big things for the second (or third) but had so much fun celebrating and supporting each other. I only wonder if you would end up have to do much of the party "work" yourself since your SIL can't be there. That is the only thing that makes it a little weird/difficult. If your husbands family wants to have a party to help you celebrate this baby, then let them. Times are changing and ideas are different. I guess there will always be people who stick by old fashioned rules, and those who embrace the newer ones. As long as your not asking/begging for things then go for it! People will think what they want, just as they are free to decline the invitation if they don't agree w/the celebration! Congrats on your baby! I hope you enjoy!
i grazed over your other answers after reading your "what happened", sorry you felt attacked by some responses.
My 2 cents - i've heard of people having baby "sprinkles" before and think that's an adorable idea... the invitation should make it clear that this is not a full blown shower and maybe only gift basic necessities (like one other poster said)... but focus it more on being a celebration of your new upcoming miracle :) New life is always something to celebrate! But asking for any big things when you've already had children, i can see how it might be seen by many as kind of "tacky" - i know that wasn't part of your question and you probably weren't going to ask for them anyways, but wanted to mention that i probably wouldn't register for anything... unless this was a "oops" baby, the big things would be something you've probably planned for anyways since you didn't expect a shower. we didn't even ask for many big things at my first shower for our twins - we found cribs second hand (one from a friend and one from a garage sale -- made sure they weren't recalled first!)... the dressers were hand-me downs, many of the bouncers/exersaucers/high chairs and bathtub were either hand-me-downs or consignment or garage sale finds. Barely anything we have is "new"... just the car seats. We got so much more fun stuff at the shower - books, toys, clothes, bath stuff, diaper stuff!
The one thing that would make me consider declining it though is that the "hostess" would not be attending. Personally i would not be comfortable if it appeared i was throwing my own shower - even though technically it would be someone else throwing it, she wouldn't be there to host it. Maybe she could talk to a more local family memeber who can help her with the hands-on things?
I hope this didn't sound judgemental at all, just my thoughts :)
Congrats on your pregnancy!!
Handle it both ways, we are in a techological age. You can register and let your long - distance sister in law handle the logisitcs of that as well as the digital apect of an online/ skyped shower, whether it be before or after your son is born . Additionally if you still decide to have a welcome home gathering for those close by who are not technally inclined,extend an invite to your local sister in law to be a guest , but let your hubby host it. Let him display his "daddy pride" for his first son and receive gifts and love on behalf of your growing family. Everyone else will just have to understand that you are in "Bonding mode" and get over it. Your husband's presence and willingness to stand in the gap should be indicative of the fact that he loves and supports your decision to put baby first. Be well Be blessed and Be Inspired! D. A. Smith, A parent's helper
I am in the camp that thinks it's tacky to have a baby shower for 2nd and 3rd babies. Also, clothes can be very cheap. Shop sales or nice consignment stores and you can get the basics for next to nothing. I assume you already have the expensive stuff and gear from your previous children.
I would just tell your sister in law that you really appreciate the offer, but since this is your third you'd prefer not to have a shower this time.
While I understand that your previous children have been slow nursers, every baby is different and this one may eat in 10 mins like mine. So I say just play it by ear. Even if the baby is another slow eater, you can always wait and have a "meet the baby" party whenever you're ready and you've gotten into a better groove of nursing, even if it's not right after he's born.
Edit: The point of a shower is literally to "shower" the mother with gifts (it's designed to give new moms a boost in preparing their homes for having a baby). I understand wanting to celebrate your baby, but gift giving is the central point of a shower. The same way many people would think it's tacky to have a wedding shower for your 3rd wedding, many people find it tacky to have a baby shower for a 3rd baby (you should have the basics, and by that time, should be able to provide anything else your child needs).
If somebody local, who can actually host the shower, offers to throw you one, that's okay. However, I would personally instruct her to say "no gifts" on the invitation. Surely some close friends and family will end up giving you things anyway, but that way you get to celebrate the baby without making people feel obligated to give a gift (or like you're trolling for gifts, which is what some showers can feel like).
I had a shower for my first, not one for my second (even though that was when I really needed things) and then a suprise shower for my third. I would have said no if I had known it was being planned, but it was a great time. Maybe thing to do something after the baby is born and say no gifts? I think it's great to celebrate babies, so why not?!
I am not a big baby shower fan after the first baby. I understand when they
are so very far apart. I too feel every baby is special and deserves something but not a baby shower, especially since SIL will not be around to
host it. So I would decline and possibly do something later on.
First, I am sorry for the rudeness you received. I had the same experience once and was appalled at how unkind people can be. I'm afraid the anonimity of the internet lends itself to that. I was actually told to 'back off' when I was asking about the care of my infant daughter!
That being said, your disclaimers certainly clear you of any guilt if you wish to do this. If you can't be there because of the breastfeeding, well, so be it. Anyone with kids would understand. But why wait till then, and have it before?
But do you really want to plan this, considering how busy you will be with two older kids and a newborn? Maybe it's not worth the hassle. Explain to your SIL and see what she says.
S.
