3Yr Old Not Wanting to Take a Bath

Hey B.,

I'm sorry about that. There needs to be reasonable consequences for the hitting and rewards for not hitting. As for the bath, I was wondering if you tried bubble baths, they have bubble fingerpaint, soap crayons, and Avon has paint soap that washes off clean. How about the good old fashioned rubber ducky or bath toys?

When my son was two all I was trying to do was make it to three. Then he turned three and all hell broke loose! I did not know who this little deomn spawn was, I mean I was freaking out and spent most of my time in tears. I am 36 weeks pg today so I am right there with you. He turned 3 in January and I was having such trouble with my pregnancy I did not know what to do! I have no family anywhere near us so I was hitting my wits end with his hissy fits and temper tantrums, he NEVER threw those before. The only thing that started working for us, and is still working, was reverse psycology. OK I KNOW that sounds nuts. But the more I wanted him to do something the more he fought me on it. So nowm I just tell him I do not want him to do something, or I just dont care if he does it or not. For example, I stopped making him a plate for a while because he would never eat. But I would tell him he could not eat off of mine. What do ya know, he is now eating better than ever. He too always loved taking a bath and playing in the pool. Well we started him on swimming lessons and OMG who is that kid screaming like a maniac. We tried 3 lessons and had to stop going. With the tub, I would run one for "ME" and tell him mommy is going to take a tubby, you go in there and watch tv. He would get upset and I would ask why. He would then offer to take his OWN tubby. Things like this went on for a while, and some days I still have to play that reverse card. But I am amazed how well it has worked out. ALSO I NEVER mention stuff about the baby when he is in a mood. Seems to freak him out more. Like I do not let my hubby tell him he has to start being good because we have a baby coming, or that he has to stop doing this or that because a baby is coming.

I do not know if I made a lot of sense, baby brain you know how it is. But I hope this helps. If you need a little support now and then just pop me an email. I know how it is. Also, there is another message board area that has helped me immensely. At www.babycenter.com they have birth boards for each month in each year. I belong to the January 2005 board, for my son, and I belong to the June 2008 board for our little man to come. It helps to talk to so many mommies in our boat.
T.

I have never had one that did not like a bath, however I had one that hated me to dress her. So try, letting her pick a towel, pick the soap & do her own hair (with your guidance of course) then let her pick out her own ooutfit & see if giving her the ability to chose helps. If she gives you a hard time, then she does not get to pick her own stuff. Your husband should be at hand to assist with the baby. Do not let the baby wittness the bad behavior of the 3 year old if possible.

If you can not maniplate her in a rewarding way, you have to switch to a restrictive. Do not use time out in an instance like this, because you are right she has won. Try getting her favorite toy or movie or whatever it is & show her that you are putting it in the trash (have your husband take it out after you have left) and that each time she has a temper tantrum she will lose her favorite thins.

Sometimes we have to break the cycle that we have allowed them to put in place, be strong and consistant in what ever punishmnet/reward style you choose.

I'm sure this must be so hard for you to go through while you are pregnant, and thinking about adding another child into chaos isn't helping you calm down and think through what you need to do. This sounds harsh, but you need to take control and let her know that you are the boss and she can NOT control the family like that. She sounds strong willed, so get yourself a book (or 2... or 3) on raising strong willed children. In the meantime, remember that huge tantrums are a learned behavior. All children will test you at times to see how far they can get and to see what kind of reactions they can get out of you. She freaks out in the bath and you struggle with her, which is fun for her. Your blood pressure and tone of voice elevate. No matter how hard it is for you, try being monotone and calm while she freaks out. Don't let her tantrum push you over the edge because then she wins. Just as calmly and matter of factly as you would say, "The sky is blue", say, "It's time for bath." Keep that exact same calm, monotone tone of voice throughout the bath NO MATTER WHAT SHE DOES. I know it's hard to physically struggle with her while you're pregnant, but you need to take physical control of her and if you can't then your husband needs to start giving her the baths. She needs to know it is NOT OK to hit you-- just as it will not be OK for her to hit the baby just because she's mad. Be proactive and ready to catch her wrist when she swings at you. Hold it just long enough to say (in that monotone voice), "You may not hit mommy. That hurts me." Then let go of her wrist right away. Be ready to catch the next swing. Other than the things I described, I would have an otherwise quiet bath. Resist the urge to keep telling her to stop or to hold still or whatever else you want to keep saying that she is ignoring. This will NOT work the first night, but stick with it for a few nights in a row because CONSISTANCY is key. She will get it that bath is something that needs to happen and she can't get away with throwing a tantrum and getting you all upset, so she will eventually give in and allow you to bathe her. Also, after the struggle to scrub her, calmly ask if she is ready to get out or if she wants to play, which puts some power back onto her and lets her make a decision (because the washing part is not negotiable)

Hi B. - It sounds to me like she is attention seeking. My son went through a stage of just being horrible, doing things just to get my attention, it didn't matter if it was negative or positive.

Children who are attention seeking hate to be ignored, so if any of her attempts can be ignored try it. Keep her and your other child apart when she is going to start something. Take separate baths. Tantrams are a learned behavior. If they have one and you give in for a multitude of reasons they have learned to get your attention from a negative action. I have 3 children, now 8, 9 & 11. You have to be firm the first time and stick to it even if it takes 5 times or more. I promise it will work if you enforce it often enough. Stay strong.

Regards

M. F

HI B....
it doesnt get ANY better...worse actually, until you do exactly what you said..."take control". Go to www.nogreaterjoy.com and get two books 5$ each called "To train up a a child" and this will teach you, with real examples, the "how to" of raising kids....to where you do JUST THAT..raise and train them up. I can atest to this...I have five and life is GREAT! all because my husband and I run the house and we do NOT accept anything less than what is expected...and its not tyranny...we have a blast, the kids are respectful, still 100% kids but they know their boundaries...and when they forget, and they do....we quickly remind them. From when they are babies....6-8mos for us, we started...with swats on the hand and a smile....training. the fits don't last when that cushiony part on their butts/thighs (what God intended them for with fatty substance) gets stung with a swat...and a nice tone...."we don't act like that!" "you are a good girl/boy!" YOu will sit here until you are better and if you continue, your fanny will sting!" and you stay on them if it takes HOURS and DAYS to get it through their head...based on how strong willed they are. I have one that was VERY strong willed..days of training...but now its great! We are in control and NOT the kids. get the books and study hard and apply. you will be so blessed you did...having 3 will be a blast! i promise!

I'm not sure if this would work for you...but is your husband willing to do the bath routine? Since my husband works full time...this is the standard in our home...it's their bonding time...so he has done both our kids baths since Day 1. He's got it down to a science...heehee...and the kids look forward to it. The routine doesn't change, so they know what to expect. The tantrums are likely just a ploy for attention...like pretty much everything our kids do LOL...so before or after baths...why don't you sit with each child and read several books that they pick out. That way you get that one on one bonding time, too. Good luck & God Bless and Congrats on #3. Love, B.

I know you probably don't want to hear this, but it sounds to me as if a spanking is in order. She needs to know who is really in charge. Right now she thinks she is and it kinda looks that way. You need to flip the script. You need to nip this in the bud right away. If you let her continue to hit you at this age, she is going to think its ok to hit you from now on. When you say something, mean it. Don't let her see you cry or anything. If you need to cry, go somewhere else so she can't see you. Does she treat your husband the same way? If she respects him but does not respect you, then when she misbehaves, don't go to him. You need to let her know that mommy has the power also because maybe she thinks that mommy does not have any power and I dont have to listen or obey her. One more thing, be consistent with the discipline and dont let her get away with anything.

B.,

Something that I didn't see mentioned is that for a while, you can take a bath with her and your little one all at once. You can play with them in the tub and make it fun again. I would let her know that when she takes a bath without mommy for 6 nights with no fussing, on the 7th night you will take one with them and she will definately straighten up. Just let her know each day how many days til "mommy day". Also, this is a special time to be a kid together and your kids will love bathtime. My girls beg to take baths now, even though I only join them once a month or less. We play with little animals and bath toys and they love it. They never complain about bathtime. I have done this from birth and it has become our special time to splash and play. They love it.

why not switch it up a bit an let her take a shower, my 3 year old loves to take a shower, she will mostly take a shower when we are at my parents house but every once in awhile will ask to take one at home and its a bit faster so I let her. I have her stand under the water then have her move to the side so that I can put the shampoo in her hair then I help her rinse it out. Sometimes I will let her use a huggies mitt washcloth and wash herself one of those may even work in the bath for you. Also I before my daughter takes a bath I have her go in her room and pick out her pjs and put them on the foot of her bed then she will sometimes dress herself after her bath or shower.
Hope this helps and good luck with your new arrival!!:)

I would just wipe her down with a couple of warm, wet wash cloths for now. (basic sponge bath) That way, you can control her better, if she starts swatting at you! She'll be, for the most part, clean, and you can establish better control of the situation in the meantime. She'll probably start to wonder why she isn't getting a bath, but her 16 mo.old sibling is!! Maybe telling her she can have a bath again when she starts behaving like a big girl will help, too.
If possible, let your husband take over after the baby comes. Hopefully this phase will "phase out"!!
Good luck!!!
Laurie, mom to 8 blessings

Hi B.
what I would do is use reward system. Get a poster board that you can put on the wall. Buy those little stick on stars. And make a list like Help Mom, Eat your meal, sit still, pick up toys, take bath, etc. And explain to her that each time she is good at those things, she gets a star. When she gets a star under each one, she gets to pick out a special book or a special movie or a special cake or snack. Help her work towards those things, and include the little one also. They love to please at this age. And make after bath, a time where you get to do those special things, so she has something to look forward to and a reason to take her bath. Maybe she doesn't want to take the bath because next is BED!!!Good luck
T.

You've gotten a lot of great advice. I went through the same thing last fall when my oldest turned 3 (and my youngest was almost 18 months). My husband was out of the country (military) and I was at my wits end. I started bathing him at odd times and it worked. Remember, this is just a short term stage they are going through. So on days that he didn't get too dirty, I would di a quick washrag wipedown before bedtime and bath him the next morning before school (he was fresh and rested). On the days when he was dirty I would bath him before dinner (and feed him a tasty snack in the tub to ward off hungry behavior). Some days when he was just too unmanageable, I gave in and let him play in the sprinklers, water table, pool, etc. and choose other battles to tackle. While playing in the sprinklers never got anyone squeeky clean, I made do with it. This too shall pass.

Bathe your children separately so you don't have to deal with the younger one acting the same.

Time out doesn't work for your child - You've got to find another means of 'punishment' for her. If you are good at sticking to your word try giving rewards...Set up a chart and everytime they fill there chart with stickers they get a reward (one of my old teachers did this in my elementary class and I have never forgotten it - she drew a bubble gum machine on paper and then cut out circles, each time we did something good we got a piece of bubble gum for our machine and each time we didn't listen she took one away). You should tailor the prizes to your girls and your husband will have to help out since you are due very soon.

Don't give in. My son is 3 and although it's not as bad as yours I can tell you what I did. When she kicks, hits, etc. pull her out, put pants or towel on, she goes straight to time out, when time out is up explain why she's there and that she has to finish her bath. Take her back to finish the bath. You will have to continue this cycle until she understands that you are not giving in and she WILL take a bath. Soon she will realize that she turned what could have been 10 minutes into an hour or more. Be sure that your husband is on board as you will need to switch off when your patience wears thin. I can promise you that it works - I think your daughters will just take longer than my son did because they've been doing it so it takes longer for them to realize that they can't do it anymore.

When I first read your post first thought in my mind was I noticed with both my boys 3 was worse than 2. When my oldest turned 3 and started acting up I thought when he was 2 it was a breeze why do they call 2 terrible 2's - 3 is the killer.

After glancing over some of the responses I agree with some others on letting her have some control at bath time and choices that she can be involved in. My youngest also went through a stage where he didnt like baths. He currently still doesn't like me to wash his hair however he doesn't have a choice what he does have choices in during bath time is does he want to play in the tub for a few mins before mommy washes him. I also found he doesn't like his hair done because water gets in his eyes, so he now wears goggles in the tub while I do his hair. This also makes it somewhat fun for him also. I also wonder if the reason we have such a hard time with kids at 3 is because independency is kicking in. Maybe she wants to be more independent when she fights you ask her "do you want to do it yourself?" also if you dont have a detachable shower head that she can stand in the tub in hold Id try getting one and maybe she would enjoy that too.

Good Luck. Hope it turns around for you soon. Also I completely understand what you mean about the younger mimicking the older's behaviour and all I know to do is to fix the older's behaviour and the younger will follow we have to remember that children learn from those older than them: siblings, parents, teachers, and also friends.

Again Good Luck Hope this helps

I know how you feel. Both of my kids have gone through stages when they have hated bath time and it is very frusturating. You may want to try bathing them together. I used to do that and they seeemed to enjoy it more because they could splash and play together. Maybe you can get her some bubble bath or a special toy if she goes a couple nights with no temper tantrum. I have recently started putting my 3 year old in the shower and she does great so she may be ready for that. However, it may just be a stage and she may just be trying to get you attention. It will pass as all things do. Just stay calm and be firm. Also, get your husband involved. You guys can rotate nights. That way, even if your daughter is having the tantrums, you can get a couple nights off. Don't feel desperate and don't worry about being able to handle a third. You will be fine. Motherhood is full of ups and downs and if the worst thing your kid does is throw a fit over baths, I'd say you've done pretty good so far. Good luck.

I would try putting her in the shower. My daughter did this too , so I just started with a shower. In a few days she realized that she was not able to play, just get clean and get out. You and your husband should share bath time, one do the oldest in the shower the other give the baby a bath. Do not let her get away with hitting you. She may not get as clean in the shower but it is better than no bath at all. I have started taking things away from my daughter when she hits or is ugly to us. With the baby coming, I would suggest getting your husband to do the baths and handle it his way. You are going to be busy with the baby so he can handle some of the "kid" duties. But let him handle it and don't run in if things don't go the way you think it should. The girls may need him to take charge. Hope things get better!