Hello everyone. We have a 4 1/2 year old son and a 6 month daughter. Up until a few months ago we didn't really think he showed any signs of jealousy when she was born but maybe his new behavior he has shown is his way of showing it. We have tried most everything but maybe someone call lend a hand. He is extremley over sensative lately. When he doesn't get his way, he cries, when you tell him no to something he cries. I am talking full blown tears in an instant. We make a point to do special things with him alone one on one when we can and we make sure we continue praising him for accomplishments to make sure he knows how much he is loved, etc now that his sister is her but it seems like nothing is working. He has thrown more tantrums this past couple of months then ever before. I am certain it has to do with the changes in the house but it only seems to be getting worse. And I am not even mentioning the evil looks he is starting to give us, you know that silent look like he doesn't care what we say. He is being completely defiant out of nowhere. You tell him to go left and he goes right. Is this just the age or is this something else? Any suggestions or ideas?
It sounds to me like he needs other kids near his age to play with - he may be feeling lonely and bored. Sometimes playing with a child who is a little older helps. Does he go to preschool? Will he go to kindergarten in the fall? After all, a 6 mo. old baby isn't really a lot of fun for a child his age. Mom and Dad aren't really that much fun at his age either because you don't really play in a way he needs to. Good luck!
You know this is in all likelihood a reaction to the baby? He's finding out life is WAY different now, and he's not too sure he likes it. Make sure this new family life is fun for him. Plan special time alone with just hubby, you and him--baby nowhere in sight. Get a sitter and take him to the park for some fun play time, to a House of Bounce, mini golf, really cool things. Also, special one on one time w/just mom and another time w/just dad. I can't stress to you how important this is for your son's self-confidence and emotional well-being. At the same time, set down some house rules (post a chart), and consequences for breaking them. Be consistent here---it's needed now more than ever. IGNORE the crying.....it will pass if you don't make an issue of it. A little hug and kiss, there, there, kind of thing, and move on to something else---make a pot of coffee or some busy thing NOT around the baby. Also, plan some regular fun stuff with the entire family---take a picnic lunch to the beach with a kite, feed the ducks at the park, etc. Let your 4 yo see that life is still FUN w/baby, too. Snuggle them both on the couch with you and read books aloud. Take nature walks with your son and baby in the stroller. Maybe look into sibling rivalry/new baby jealousy picture books from the library that you can read to him. Those can be so helpful. Minimize the attention to the baby for awhile. Plan play dates for your son---at your home and away. All this takes effort on your part, but it will pay off. Good luck!
My son was 4 when my daughter was born. Same deal. My son was a NIGHTMARE for a whole year. Mean to both me and the baby. In desperation, I went to the preschool direction who simply said, "all misbehavior is due to unmet needs."
http://www.awareparenting.com/misbehav.htm
Meaning... he needed my individual attention and missed me. So instead of focusing on punishment, I focused on spending more one-on-one with him (during naps, whenever and where ever). It WORKED! He completely turned around. He is 8 now and still teases her a lot (my current issue) but they do love each other very much.
It is your son's way of showing his discontent with the changes in the household. Yes these feelings are unfounded but, nevertheless feel real to him. He needs to be talked to often about how important he is as well as your new one too! How much a big brother is important in his little sisters life - forever! Reassurance constantly - that is the way with kids. Try to include him as much as you possibly can with her..changing diapers, powdering her afterward, feeding with a bottle - burping. All things he can "help" with if you show him - and you hold her while he helps. Things will get better. Good luck & God Bless!
Show your love ANY WAY you can.
Be as affectionate as possible.
I would feel my life had fallen apart and burst into tears at the drop of a hat if my beloved brought in another loved one to our home and expected me to accept it. I would try, but their anger and disappointment in me anytime would be unbearable.
He may feel the same way. How much control does he have over stuff? Find ways to prevent him feeling powerless.
;-)
Boys an be very aggressive and push you away - when what they really want is to feel loved.
Don't react to the evil looks by letting that push you away. He is passionate and needs your love and it's thwarted love that you see as hatred.
He may need school at this time and other boys and girls his age. Ask him if he would like that?
Have you tried talking with him? Encourage him... he's at a tender age. You already know that and have done a lot of things to assist him in this. Boys need to learn how to express themselves and to know that someone is listening.
Maybe his change in behavior is due to something else? Has anything else occurred?
It's a lot of things going on I'm sure... his age and phases, his new sibling etc. It's hard for a child to adjust sometimes....
If he is in preschool... are things okay with him in that environment....or is he acting out there too? Is anything different there or has he been treated differently? Ask his teacher...
Do you encourage him to "bond" with his sister? "Help Mommy" kind of activities that incorporate his sister? Many times, as Parents, we may be used to saying "don't touch..." or "be careful..." etc. around a baby. Maybe he wants to participate?
When I had my 2nd baby, and my girl was 4 years old... she LOVED to "help" me with her little baby brother. I let her, within reason and for her capability. It made her feel "proud" as a "big sister" and that she was helping her brother. It gave her a sense of accomplishment as well. It also gave her a way to bond with her brother and feel apart of it all.
4 is still a tricky age... starting from 2 years old and the "terrible 2's" it actually goes on until about 5 years old. Then they seem to mellow out. "Parents" magazine has great articles on each age and the accompanying "characteristics" and behavioral "phases" they go through.
Sometimes too... as a baby grows up and gets more mobile and able to do more things and is more active... the older sibling can get more "possessive" over their toys etc. and feel as though their "territory" is being taken away. And when the younger sibling can then learn to "talk" this can also be another time which causes a change in the sibling dynamics... because then the younger sibling can "talk back" to the older one and defend themselves in everyday sibling activities. It's a change in the relationship... and just growing up.
I know it's now easy... just keep nurturing him, giving him positive reactions to things... and focusing less on the negative. Some kids need LOTS of reassurance. You do seem to have tried everything... it seems perhaps he feels he's not in control of his environment... and his acting out is a way to get what he wants even though it is in a tantrum-y way. Sometimes kids get this way when there is an un-met need.
I really don't have an "answer" per say, just some thoughts.
Good luck and take care,
~Susan
www.cafepress.com/littlegoogoo
My three year old does that now and we haven't even had the baby yet (two weeks left). This is just a method of getting attention and/or to manipulate your reaction (i.e. get what he wants). I read several books with suggestions on the subject and the method that I liked best (and has worked well for our family) is a combination of two techniques suggested by "The Perfect Nanny." When my son starts a tantrum, I simply ignore it. I make sure that he can't hurt himself and then I walk away. He usually decides to stop the crying/screaming fit in a minute or so (the first time was longer). If he is whining or screaming, I simply tell him that I won't talk to him until he talks normally. If he follows me around, I take him to another room. I tell him that he can come join the family (or me) when he is ready to talk normally and behave nicely. He usually chooses to do so after about one minute and then he is fine. He doesn't do it as much anymore. I don't think it is really about the baby, it is about him exploring behaviors and finding out what is acceptable and what is not. As long as you are still giving him the love and attention that he needs, he won't be permanently damaged by the addition of a new child to the family. Relax, this is normal and is not your fault.
Hi M.,
I have an almost 5 year old (turns 5 next month) and she is exhibiting the same behavior. Nothing in our house has changed. She has a 2 1/2 year old brother so I don't think it has to do with the new baby. I believe it is just a phase they are going through (not my favorite one!) I would say just keep up the time outs (or discipline) you have been giving and don't give in to the tantrums and he should outgrow it soon! Good Luck!!
Hi M.,
Some of it may be the new baby but most is just his age. My daughter didn't go through the "terrible twos", she had the "terrible four-and-a-halfs". Just be patient and ignore the tantrums so you don't reinforce the behavior. Give him a lot of positive reinforcement when he is acting nicely.
V.
It’s not uncommon for 4 year olds to become very defiant, and home life can start to feel like a battleground for a while. Being consistent and not making excuses for his behavior will help, as well as a 30 minute block of time each day just for him. No interruptions, just you and him reading, coloring or whatever he really enjoys. It will probably pass in short order.
Hi,
Hang in there, I know it's painful to see your little one suffering. But I think you hit the nail on the head -- a lot of it is his age. Naturally, sibling rivalry will play a part, too, but from what you're saying it seems to only be exacerbating existing tendencies.
My youngest is 5 now, and I've survived three others passing through those ages. Age 4 can be... interesting, to say the least. The bursts of defiance, the roller-coaster emotions, the eruption of soul-wrenching sobs because he wanted triangle sandwiches, not squares -- yup, sounds about right. 4 is rife with jealousy, too -- this is about the time kids start throwing around the ' he stole my friend' line. With my girls, this is when I witnessed the first knee-high cliques forming (grrrr...). With my boys I noticed increased aggression. Some of my kids' friends went into testosterone overdrive -- hitting, face-screaming, chest-pounding, foot stamping -- thank heavens my boys were a bit more mellow. But the whole 'he-man' thing seems to crop up a lot at this age. And around age 8, as well (heads up)!
I suggest two things (I'd do it for you but I'm in a time crunch tonight):
Google "child development age 4 aggression" or some similar thing, and you'll see a bunch of results that will tell you your son's right on track developmentally -- but you should also see that it's peaking -- meaning it should ease off within the year? Here's one page that's pretty helpful:
http://resources.atcmhmr.com/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&am...
(Don't be alarmed or offended, the page addresses normal child development information, but it's on a site which also deals with mental health and retardation. The info applies to the average kid, though, honest.) :-)
I'm sure new-sibling syndrome will be in there somewhere. My kids were very close together, so they were too little or too shell-shocked from their own births to really show much jealousy. I'd say your best bet is loving affirmation, inclusion and routine blended with a determination not to coddle him (because kids may not be able to spell Power but man, can they wield it)!
The other thing I'd Google is Supernanny. I know a lot of people laugh it off, but seriously, those techniques saved my life. Really simple, really effective, really free -- just remember to be really consistent.
Hang in there -- the proof that you're doing a great job is that you're humble enough to ask for new ideas! With that kind of open mind, you'll be just fine! :-)
Sound like your doing all the right things to me! One bit of advice I would add to that is to make light of it. Tease him a bit. "What is that!?!" "You silly, are you being like baby _____ (daughter's name)?" "Come here you silly goose!" "Oh my goodness! What is that? Use your words." Etc. I've decided with my five that there are just times where they regress a bit. They need attention. They need love. And they need fun, teasing moments to get them out of it. When I respond with lightness, the behavior passes quickly. Good luck!
