4 Year Old Confused and Hurt....

I went thru almost the same situation. My son was acting out, wetting the bed, and becoming withdrawn. I planned extra mommy and son time reading, coloring, and just playing together. My boyfriend at the time; we are now married 3 yrs strong,loves soccer and bought my son his first soccer ball. It is an activity that was their thing and I became the cheerleader. Within a few weeks my son was running up to John with soccer ball in hand wanting him to show him new skills and drills. Patrick(8 yrs) hasn't seen his bio-father except in pics, just asked John and I when he could be adopted by John. He calls him Dad and has for 2 years. I hope this helps you some.........patience really works wonders!!!!!!

All you can do is be there, be the best parent possible. Your boyfriend can step up and do things with him as his dad, but he may shy away from him for a while, it's our natural human instinct to guard ourselves from getting hurt (again).

I would definitely have him see a counselor now and maybe a few more time as the years go on. My mom left my sister and I with our paternal grandparents when I was three. It was harder at first, I would wake up after having nightmares that they were going to leave me too. There are still some issues but counseling has helped, and knowing that I was better off because of her decision has helped too.

Good luck!

S.,

I feel so bad for your family. The best advice I can give is to hug him ALOT, make sure he knows that you aren't going anywhere, and that you love him no matter what. Let whatever happens between your boyfriend and your son happen.

I agree that you should try to find someone that you, and your son, trust that he can go and talk with. That would probably help him at least a little. If you can find someone that you both trust see if (s)he is willing to keep it all confidential, that way he'll still feel safe talking to them even when he's older. Failing that, you might want to consider a counselor or shrink. Maybe even a grief counselor, it sounds like this little boy is grieving for his father.

Hope this helps.
Melissa

I hurt for your son. What a sad, horrible thing for a child! Please find a good child therapist to work with. A good counselor can help him make the adjustment and know that you aren't going away from him too.

Lots and lots of hugs. And seriously: Don't go on any trips without him. No overnighters with your honey, no honeymoon without the kids...Not until your boy is ready.

Hugs.

S.,

It's a great step to solicit advice. But, my view on something so incredibly huge as building the internalized self-esteem of a child at such an impressionable young age is - you need to go talk with someone and work with someone who A) has qualified expertise and B) has NO STAKE in your life.

I say "B" because it's easy for others who have some kind of emotional tie to you - friends who appreciate your needs and relationship with your fiance, etc. - to NOT speak up about the child, first and foremost. That's just a fact of life. People don't always want to tell you what you don't want to hear. Now, I have no stake so...:-)

If your fiance is as fabulous as you describe, an 'outsider' like me might say, he should easily be expected to be able wait much longer than a year, if necessary, for the positive development of your son.

In my view, children this age don't understand how it's GOOD for them to not have their biological father in the picture. They process things on a base, human level of feeling - and he's got to be feeling abandonment, loss and an internalized sense that it was his fault - something wrong / bad with him that this most primary, key figure in his life would leave. It's a very common reaction in a child to divorce, let alone this kind of total abandonment (but don't take my opinion on this- go see an expert).

We've all see how kids long for and love parents who are drug addicts, neglectful, whatever. It's one of the most base, human needs / desires. Personally, I believe it cannot be filled by a new match and your just showing him that YOU are not going anywhere - it can only be filled in time and with the absolute, solitary dedication to HIS needs, long before yours / your fiance's.

S., I hope you'll forgive if any of what I've said is abrupt - the fact is, I am well accustomed to speaking so directly to girlfriends but not to strangers. But the mom in me says, you are this little boy's world. YOU. And the choices you make have HUGE impact on how he develops - so, in my view, it's worth taking time, baby steps and not jumping into a new marriage just yet - but, rather, seeing someone and working with your child's needs, first. Only when he is in a good, steady, secure place in himself and can accept change in stride would I, personally, then consider my own needs, as a woman.

I know, because of your reaching out for advice, you have a deep, deep love for your child. If this hits you in your heart, it will likely be because it rings true as a good direction to take - because you want what's best for your child more than you want what's best for you. Again, please forgive if I've said anything out of line - if it were me, I know it would be hard to hear anything that doesn't fit my desire to re-marry or whatever - but... I'd step up to that plate and go see an expert and take care of issue #1 first. Not only would it help my son, but it would be in the best interest of the new husband and the step son, toward building a calm, cohesive family unit. Time is on your side if love is as deep as you believe.

Okay - I wish you the BEST for your son, for you, for the step-son and for your relationship, too. May it all work out in the best interest of everyone!

Warmest Regards, T. B

First of all, Im so very sorry to hear about your split up and how irresponsible the boys dad is being. I can imagine after four years this is VERY tramatic for your son... I would honestly recommend having your son talk to someone to help him through this very tough time... Poor little guy, I couldnt even imagine the pain/confusing he must be feeling.

As for making him feel secure, just make sure that he knows that you will always be there for him and that you will never leave ( after a split up, kids often worry the other parent will leave them. Also, let him know that it was not his fault, and keep reminding him of these things. It should atleast put his mind at ease, yet wont take away the pain.. Im so sorry~

oh I also wanted to recommend trying not to push the man you are dating on him too much. I know from experiece and my daughter was only 1 when my husband came into the picture, but their relationship still struggles greatly... Good luck and best wishes to your family~

I am so sorry to hear of this loss to your son. Explain to your son that it is his father's loss. What a wonderful boy he is and that it is not his fault his dad left. Let him know that you are not ever going to leave him by telling him and showing your love for him. Hold him, make sure you always have one-on-one time together even after you get married. Once you have explained to him that it is not his fault, but his dad is being selfish (I don't mean to bad mouth dad, just tell your son he is being selfish), it his dad's loss, tell him how wonderful he is to you and move on. Don't keep bringing it up and reminding him. This will just reopen a wound that is trying to heal. Let him bring it up if he needs to. You can ask him if he needs to talk about anything, or if he has any questions, to keep communication open, but don't be specific about dad.

My son's father didn't sign away his rights, I wish I would have had him do that. He moved away when my son was 3 and we didn't hear from him again for 14 months, one call, broken promises, etc... Then, nothing for 10 years! I haven't dated since, so no replacement has been found. I did just recently find someone to take my son fishing and stuff. What a blessing! My son is fine, gets sad every once in a while. I ask him if he needs to talk or ask any questions. I try not to mention the d word, dad, unless he brings it up first. I don't want to needlessly open any wounds that are healing. I let him know every day how much I love him and how glad I am to have him as a son. I hope he knows I am not going anywhere.
Blessings,
J.

Try having your son tell you more intimatly about his feelings. I know he is 4 but, by letting him to his own thoughts may not be the best thing. Use your imagination to get him to speak. I am so sorry for your little boy, good luck.

I'm glad you recognize that he is acting out because he is confused and hurt. He needs lots of love and understanding and empathy. Talking with him about what you imagine he is feeling, acknowledging that his feelings are important, that his relationship with his father is important. And if his father really doesn't want to see him, your son needs to know that it is not his fault (he may need to be assured of this repeatedly). And it's very important for you to not say anything bad about his father. If you feel like you want/need to give your son an explanation, it could be something like that his father is hurting right now, going through a hard time in his life, and isn't able to be with him as much as he would like to; or something about you and bio-dad having a hard time getting along - as long as nobody gets blamed, and your son understands that there are no bad guys, only people sometimes aren't able to show their love because they are hurting. I don't think it is necessarily true that his bio-dad not being in the picture would be more beneficial, especially if they have had a good relationship - it could be very important for your son if that relationship could continue in some form. Unless he is actually a bad influence or abusive, I might even encourage him not to sign away his rights. If he does want to continue to be a part of your son's life but the friction between the two of you is too much, you could do visitation through a third person, and/or you could see a counselor or mediator together to see if you can work it out so things could go more smoothly and so that your ex's feelings about you don't get in the way of him being a good father to his son. As far as helping your son to feel more secure, again I'd say to really empathize with him - it must be terrifying for him to have his dad disappear from his life, and he probably thinks it's his fault. Also, I'd suggest that your boyfriend not try to be a dad, at least not right away, not try to replace his bio-dad, but be more like a friend, and be extra understanding and not take it personally if your son isn't completely open to him. Wishing you the best on your blended family!

My advice would be to get your son in to see a child psychologist. He seems to be reacting to his bio-dad leaving the picture, and if he internalizes this and believes it is his fault (which kids always seem to do when a parent leaves), he could have abandonment issues for the rest of his life. Get him someone to talk to that is not involved directly with the family so he won't think they are saying it was not his fault just to make him "feel better". He may also be acting out to the fact that he is not Mommys only boy now (your soon to be step-son)so be sure to reasure him that you can love new son without taking from love for the 4 yr old. Good luck with all the changes!

Blessed Be

There are great resources available at Kinship House. Call them to access their services. They are near Lloyd Center in Portland. Wonderful resources!

first do not let your bf adopt your son until you get married. Then I would talk to your sons ped. and see if he can refer you to a councilor. Good Luck

I read all the other responses and it all seems like good advice....thought I would just add one more...there are a lot of children's books writte on this....it can be great, non-threatening way to get your little one the info that is needed. Reading one together that has the informaiton that you feel is appropriate can help to get him the right kind of messages about what is happening. As kiddos of this age often do not have a long span for retaining info, it gives a great way of continuing to remind him of what is going on just be working this story into a regular routine of story time. It can help your child know that it is ok to talk about what is going on and often allows you the opportunity to stop and talk about it together. I would add one more opinion and that is, don't make a big deal of the bed wetting, kiddos often experience anxiety outwardly through bedwetting, when he is feeling secure and there is no other medical explanation, it should subside...your PCP might also be able to provide you with some additional info on how to help him.

The best of luck to you both

I'm a single mother of a almost 5 yr old handsome boy. His dad is hardly in his life at all. I don't really receive child support from him, he calls maybe once a month, and doesn't see him unless I take our son to him. It's a matter of...you be the best mom you can be. That's all the support you can give right now. I've learned that sometimes, just doing the best that you can and ensuring your son that mommy is always there, really makes the world.

Spend some one on one time with your four year old. Maybe plan a special time each week to go to a movie , park etc. something he can look forward to and count on. This is a good opportunity for heart to heart talks. He/she needs reassurance that your not going to forget him/her or he/she is not being replaced. In a sense it can be sort of an intrusion for children when another adult comes into the picture reguardless of how nice and wonderful they are. When it comes down to it, dad is dad and there's no replacements. And it's possible your four year old is feeling abandoned and wandering if it's his/her fault. Your sweetheart can be supportive during this time by understanding and not interfering with your special time. Listen to your child...Spend time with your child...Love your child...Believe in your child.

I hope your ex- didn't express his displeasure with you in front of your son. You need to listen to your son and hear what he's saying when he's upset. Signing away his rights doesn't mean he gets to ignore his son. You should see a guardian ad liem to insure that your son's rights are protected. He needs someone other than you to speak for him in all legal proceedings. You may be reading more into this than there is. Answer any questions he has simply. No long explanations. Accidents happen, he may have a bad cold, upset stomach, a food allergy. You say he's clingy. Maybe he doesn't want to share you with the 8 yr old. Jealousy. Do you all live together now or do you keep separate residences? Is the 8 yr old a permanent resident, or one that comes over every other weekend with some extended stays? If the 4 yr old has developed a relationship with his soon to be brother, it may be disconcerning to him that he goes away. Maybe he's afraid he'd have to leave at some time. Things to think about. It's hard to share custody of a pre-schooler. So much to take in, so many changes going on in their own minds and bodies. Talk with a family counselor if things persist. See your pediatrician to make sure there's nothing physically wrong that would contribute to the night time accidents. Give him good attention during the course of the day and don't let bad behaviors go unnoticed. Take appropriate action. But love him, hug him, play with him. He's only 4 once and it's a great age for both of you!

First of all, let me say congratulations on your new, successful relationship, but also how sorry I am that this is happening to your family. I cannot believe your son's father is giving up a relationship with him just because you and he do not get along.

My parents divorced when I was young (about 2nd grade) and to this day, I do not have a good relationship with my dad. In fact, we no longer speak because he was incapable of being involved in my (and now my son's) life on a consistent basis.

I think you need to be very general in your explanations to your son (because he's so young) about his father. I would try to put it on his father and explain that his dad is just not ready or available to spend time with him right now. Try to avoid negative talk about his bio-dad, and as your son gets older, you can talk more about it, but it's important that he come to his feelings about his dad on his own, based on his own experience. Let him know that your new partner loves him and cares for him, and will do the best he can to be a father to him but isn't trying to replace his bio-dad. I agree with other writers that counseling at some point may be very useful.

Good luck to you - you're in a really tough spot that may take a while to deal with.

I am a divorced woman who has a son from a first marriage. My ex is so bad that I cannot even have any kind of relationship with him. HOWEVER, it was very important to me to REALLY communicate to my son that his father loved him very much, and the problem was ME and him tother, not my son. You have to repeat this over and over again.Lucky for me he was only 8 mos old when i left, so it was not as difficult as it will be with you.

This is why it's not good to "get rid" of an ex permanently. People are not disposable. Try to tell your son that his dad still love him. Try to have the dad stay around. Kids - especially your son's age think that everything is their fault. You have to explain to him that daddy and mommy love him VERY much and that his daddy loves him too, but just can't be around any more. He probably feels very rejected and insecure about this. Young boys are VERY attached to their fathers - especially 2 - 4 years. Young girls are more attached to their mothers.

I would try to get the ex back into the picture if I were you - try to put your difference aside for the sake of your son. Tell your ex what is going on with him. Maybe he will stick around just to be with his son. We can't just replace people with someone else, such as a new boyfriend. That doesn't work. He needs his daddy. Besides, boyfriends leave too.

Also he may be wondering when he is going to be "tossed aside". Your son may also be feeling like he is betraying his "real" daddy.

I have friends in the neighborhood who divorced - the mother left. The daughter was DEVASTATED!!! She still has anger issues related to this - 4-5 years later. You cannot expect them to cheer up and act as if their parent doesn't matter.

You and your ex need to make amends for the sake of your son and keep him in the picture, or your son may end up hating himself.

I am recently divorced and how I talked with my five and three year old is that thier dad is living in his own home. That they have another father in addition to their bio dad. My three year old understood and knew that my boyfriend was like a step dad. My children have a tough time coming back from their dad but are reliefed they got to visit with their dad. Maybe you can have pictures or mementos from when his dad was in the home. Re-assure him that his bio dad would be proud of all that he does and would want him to do the best he can in all of his interests.