4 Year Old Does Not Want to Be Potty Trained

Well you have missed his window of interest some time in the last 2 1/2 years. In the day care I worked in we just told the parents to put the child in underwear all day long and just took them to the bathroom every 15 to 30 min. We also had them take off their own wet clothing and put new clothing one. They usually get tired of all the fuss and start having less and less accidents. Once they are in underwear DON"T put them back in pull ups except at night (until there are very few accidents) for any reason. It confuses the child and their bodies. Don't give up or give in. Besides children continue to have accidents from time to time until they are 5-7 years old. Also focus on the positive and don't punish the child for accidents. Maybe use a reward system you both can agree on.

John Rosemond is a psychologist who has a syndicated column in our Sunday paper. He says to give them a high fiber, high liquid breakfast, and park them in the bathroom until they pee and poop. they can come out when they're done. He states that is takes about 45 minutes for most kids to figure it out. I think this is similar to the potty train in a day thought process.

Does he like school? Does the threat of not being able to go make a difference? Honestly, I don't know legally if the school can deny him an education, but I would think it would be tough for him being different from all his friends.

Since he does okay in school, I doubt there are any physical issues to rule out. So, yeah, let him decide when - I doubt he'll go to Kindergarten in pullups (and if he does, who's to know?)

It may help to give him a bit of incentive. My son didn't want to potty train at all. When he was nearly 4 I decided that Nintendo (his favorite activity) was a big-kid activity, and big kids went potty and wore underwear. At first he said "I don't want Nintendo anyway" but after a month or so of watching his big sister play he started asking again. I just reminded him it was for big kids, and big kids go potty and wear underwear. That was the only time I mentioned the potty to him. It took him a few months (he was past 4) to decide it was worth it to go potty. Then he was 100% trained in a week. I think it was mostly just stubborness.

I finally "won" with my just turned 5 year old boy by my husband and I working together. We did this over a week in the summer and it worked!! I started on a Thursday morning by putting my son in underwear. I told him that he was 5 now and that when we turn 5 we clean up after ourselves. I explained to him that he would be cleaning up his pants if he "forgot" to use the toilet and that he would have to stay outside (in our fenced in backyard) until his underwear was dry. I never showed any anger even when he would stand right in front of me and urinate onto the carpet. I would calmly wait until he finished and then would go get out the paper towels, a plastic grocery bag and the Nature's Miracle. I would have him wipe his legs off and then start blotting up the floor. He would put the used paper towels in the bag. After he got up as much as he could I would thank him for cleaning up the floor and have him throw the bag out in the garage trash. Then I would take him to the back door and put him in the backyard and tell him he had to stay outside until his underwear was dry. Without him seeing, I would then clean the carpet and put down the Nature's Miracle. He would ask for another pair of underwear but I would tell him that he only got one pair a day. Outside I would give him a cup of water and a bag of goldfish. I would take up to an hour or two for his underwear to dry and during that time he could eat goldfish, drink water and play. Of course, part of the plan was to have cool stuff going on inside during this time. (Movie, popcorn, etc.) He needed to "want" to be inside!! The second day went the same except for the time he did a BM. For that, I took him calmly up to his bathroom and stood him in the tub. I put a plastic garbage bag opened up on one end and he was on the other end. I put baby wipes on the side of the tub as he used the ones I had already put there. He had to clean himself. Yes, wiping his own poop! When he would get it down his leg, he had to wipe it off. If some fell on the tub floor, he had to clean it up with the wipes. At first he refused, telling me he didn't know how. I calmly showed him how to wipe up without doing it for him. He proceeded to scream and cry but I calmly told him that all 5 year olds clean up after themselves and that he could just stay in the tub until he cleaned up. I then pretended to read and not notice his fit. He cried for about 10 minutes but finally decided to clean up. I stayed right there and encouraged him and told him how good a job he was doing. When he finished I did a final wipe and cleaned his feet and put him in a new pair of underwear. (He didn't seem to notice that I was giving him a new pair.) He then had to throw away the large pieces in the toilet using a tissue and he took the bag and threw it in the garage trash. Now he washed his hands and he could go play. As quietly as I could, I disinfected the tub and floor of the bathroom. This plan happened for two days. On Saturday, my husband got into the act. We started by giving our son lots of fun things to drink. My husband set his watch and every hour would have our son go use the toilet. (We made sure that the timing wasn't so long that our son couldn't be successful!!) Our son would get lots of praise every time he went. If he had an accident we would do the same as on Thurs. and Friday. We did this for Sat. and Sun. and then on Monday my husband was back at work so I started reminding our son every hour or two and kept calmly expecting him to clean up any accidents. My husband was always involved in the evenings when he would get home. Within a week our son was potty trained! There was still an occasional urine accident but we just calmly had him clean up. Within 3 weeks there were no more accidents. Our son had learned that it was much easier to just use the toilet! (We always talked about how much easier it would be if he used the toilet, while he was cleaning up or while he was outside but that it was his choice. We would sit outside with our son part of the time but we didn't play anything with him. We made sure we were busy doing some task or reading.) This plan does take a lot of patience and teamwork. I had to be the "bad guy" and my husband was the constant reminder but the treat plans just never worked with our son. The KEY to this plan is NO ANGER and EXPECTING RESPONSIBLE behavior. Please note, at night our son still uses a goodnight. He's dry about 2/3 of the time. I'm not really concerned! That part will come when his body is ready. I really hope this helps!

Hi,

I so know what you are going through! When my son was 3 1/2, he would use the potty for anyone but me. (Babysitters, daycare, grandmas house.) When I mentioned it to the doctor, he said my son was just ''playing games'' with me and to firmly go without the diapers/pull-ups. So, with my sons help, we gathered up all diapers, pull-ups etc...and put them all in a trash bag then set it out for pickup. Once he knew there were no more diapers I did not have ANY problems. Right away he went right to the bathroom and never had an accident! I was amazed. You might try it. Also, if your son is wearing pull-ups at preschool, you are lucky, with my daughter, they would not even take a child that was not fully trained by the age of 3.

Good luck, I know its frustrating to say the least!!

Is he looking forward to going to kindergarten? It's amazing what kind of motivation we got our son to have when we told him he had to do something before he started kindergarten.

Tell him they won't let him go to kindergarten if he still wears a diaper. You can stretch the truth a little and tell them that they won't let him go even if he wears underwear there, but wears a diaper at home.

Or try to motivate him with a prize. My sons were motivated by the prospect of a camping trip with dad. And I made a chart for them with squares to fill up with little stickers, with a small drawing of a tent at the bottom. It helped them focus on their reward. And it doesn't have to be a toy or feel like bribe. It can be a fun outing with the family, or a "date" with just him and dad (or with just him and you.)
Good luck!

Throw away the diapers/pull-ups. Then neither of you has the option to use them!

What worked for our daughter is to tell him you have no more diapers. There are no other options. If he makes a mess, make him clean it up. Also pull out the big boy card and show him what privileges he gets as a big boy. If he wants to make the choice to use diapers then he looses all big boy privileges. If he is wearing underwear at school then he can do it at home. Take away the power struggle. Good luck.

First, do you clean him if he goes potty in his diaper/pullup. If you do, this could be the issue. He wants your attention or wants to still be the baby. He needs to take on the responsibility of cleaning himself and putting on a new pull up if he wants to wear them. No excuses!

He needs to be treated like a 4 year old and be given responsibilities that other 4 year olds have. I am not saying you don't do this already, but it is a big issue.

The power struggle has passed and he has already won since he is still wearing them and not using the potty like other 4 year olds. You have to put your foot down and get rid of all pull ups, diapers, etc. Underwear only and don't give in. Good luck!

S.

my almost 4 yr old daughter has been like this too. so I commiserate with you. I am not going to spend my life in the bathroom. so a lot of the ways people keep telling me to potty train won't work for me. I get too impatient if I am sitting in the bathroom all day and I didn't feel like she was really learning to recognize the feeling anyway.
we put up a chart and she can put on underpants if she wants or not. if she goes to the bathroom she gets to put a star in a slot and once she has 7 stars she gets a prize. like dress up shoes. (I spend about 5 for 3 pairs...but I have spent up to 10 on some of the beginning prizes, I just wanted her to earn something she would really like and be motivated and for her, candy etc. wasn't working)
my husband gives her a small piece of candy and a star when she goes for him.
if she goes in public she gets 2 stars.
if she is in a pull up (like for preschool) if she comes home dry she gets 2 stars as well.
we gently remind her but if she doesn't want to go to the bathroom I just say ok, thats sad though I guess you won't get a star.
when we stopped "making" her go, she has now started to go first thing when she gets up in the morning by herself, and sometimes she stops and says Oh! I gotta go potty!
its been good.
we never make a big deal out of accidents, just help her clean up and say oops, well that was an accident, they happen lets get it cleaned up.
maybe it is taking longer but I feel like she really is starting to know when she needs to go, not a clock saying go pee so we don't have an accident, and it has really taken away the battle and has given us so much more peace in our home.
anyway--whatever method ends up working I wish you luck, you still have quite a while before kindergarten. I would take that off the table--and just focus on seeing if you can make it fun for him, and for you.
hugs

If it is a power struggle, let him win.

When he realizes he is the only one in pull ups and knows is that he has the power he will finish training.

Give him power to make as many safe choices as possible, do you want the blue or red shirt. Keep to the regular schedule. Make sure the boundaries are still in place, but give him choices when possible.

Good luck,
S.
Mother to Kai
www.ChangingStores.info

We spent $20 on a timex watch (that he picked out) with a timer that repeats. We set it for ever 30 min, then every hour, every 90 minutes, and finally every 2 hours.

When the timer goes off, he is to stop whatever he's doing, run and go potty, and wash his hands. When the timer goes off, don't tell him to go potty. Instead tell him the timer went off. This way it seems like more of a choice for him and he'll start going without you forcing him to go.

When the timer goes off, I say:
1 - Oh, I hear your timer, what are you going to do?
2 - Big boys don't cry and fuss. The timer went off, you know what to do.
3 - I'm going to close my eyes and count to 5 and when I get done I'm going to see if you're still here.

I've never had to go past step 3

Night time:
once he's doing daytime well, have him go potty right before he gets into bed. If he pees in the bed that night, note the time. Wake him up just before that time and take him in to go potty then carry him back to bed. You'll only have to do this for about a week. Then just skip it one night and he'll do fine.

If he does have an accident, thank him for waking you....if it's small, just put a large towel (doubled up) over it and then let him go back to sleep. Wash everything in the morning.

Let him know that he also needs to go potty just before you go outside - for the park/school/shopping and just after you get back.

Also use peer pressure: point out other kids - friends of his - and tell him that they pee/poop in the pooty not in their pants or on the floor.

I can understand your frustration. I have three boys on the Autism Spectrum and all three had delays with their tolieting.

I have found that the best approach is similar to the post that Celeste wrote.

Give an incentive to him when he chooses to go. Don't get upset or make a big deal when he does not go.

It truly is best to empower him to make his own decisions within the boundaries you choose to set.

Don't look at the situation as a power struggle. Instead accept that for what ever reason he is not ready and try to help him find ways that will motivate him.

As far as kindergarten next year goes...they will have to accept him as a student ....but the teacher may feel the same frustrations and power struggle you do ...so work on a simple system that you can be happy with and then if for some reason he still does not want to wear underwear at school next year....let the teacher know your using a "system" and work as a team to help him transist.

Trust me on this....other people will pick up on your frustration and imitate it....kids will pick up on your frustration and it will shut them down more.

It honestly is best to give him the room he needs....You said that sometimes at day care he will wear them so I would focus on that and not worry about home as much....I think you may find that he will begin wearing them more as he becomes more aware of himself and others.

Hang in there.

A.

We struggled with PT-ing our now 4 year old. Spent over a year as well. It was definitely a control thing for him. He is a rather precocious 4 yr old. Our biggest problem was #2, but I think these same Ped recommended rules would apply (from my son's Ped who I think is awesome). I'm just copying and pasting the steps he suggested:

1. 2 – 4 wks do nothing
2. Pick a day to spend full time with your child – limited/no distractions.
3. Put him in underwear
4. Put out the toilet(s)
5. Give him soda and juice to drinks, lots of salty chips and snacks – fill him up with junk food and drink (to generate pee and poo)
6. Create a box of prizes – preferably put them in a box or something he can see through or into easily.
a. Let him pick one prize every time he pees or poos in the toilet (for DS he suggested we eventually switched to only giving him toys if he goes poo in the toilet, since this was our biggest problem).
7. Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell him to go potty at all.
8. If /when he has an accident go back to the spot where he had the accident and go through this little 'routine' with him (we verbalized it and 'acted' it out):
a. When he feels it
b. Jump up
c. Run to the bathroom
d. Have him pull his pants down
e. Sit on the toilet
f. Pull his pants back up
g. Repeat 5 – 10 times

9. Remain Positive always – most important

We followed this pretty religiously except I added bigger bribes for the poo. I was using a toy rental company, so I was able to offer him BIG toys for low cost. I figure not having to fork out the price of pullups paid me back in a month easily.

I guess I should mention it worked! Took about 2 wks total before the accidents stopped almost completely (although he was pooping in the toilet by the 2nd day). He continued to have occasional accidents (3-4 a month) over the summer (we did this last spring when he was 3 1/2), and we had to do another month of the toy rental to get him to night train (we were able to determine he was 'capable' of staying dry at night, but was just 'choosing' not to be).

Good Luck.