4 Year Old Entitlement Have I Soiled Her Too Much?

I think it's probably a little bit of both a stage and a possible entitlement issue, probably more of an age thing, though. I agree that you should not give her things until she can say please and thank you. Prompt her once and if she doesn't say it, don't give her what she wants. I wouldn't get angry or anything but just simply tell her 'I'll do that for you when you can say please.' and move on. If you give her something and she doesn't say thank you, the next time she asks for something (anything!) tell her 'gosh, I'm sorry, but last time you didn't use nice manners, so I don't think I can help you.' Make her realize that her actions have consequences but just do it in a nice way, she'll get the hint!

There are two separate issues here gratitude(hard to teach at age four) and politeness-now is the time to make politeness a habit. they dont understand they are lucky to have things not all children have and they always want more, just model by every day saying one thing you're grateful for- I'm so happy we have this nice house, some people will be looking for a warm place to sleep tonight. I'm so lucky to have a healthy daughter, just like I always wanted. I love my soft bed, some people sleep on blankets on the floor. Dont expect her to realize the world doesnt revolve around her any time soon. but keep modeling being grateful for what you have. Politeness, Please, thank you, no thank you, and excuse me if you want to talk when others are talking are as required as brushing teeth and going to bed, no one asked if you wanted to, if you need to be reminded every time you will be reminded every time, refusal could lead to time out or.... eventually it will be habit.

My 3 year old son says thank you...it is pretty simple, if my child refused to say thank you ( even if you need to prompt your child to do so) I would take it back and say I am sorry if you are not thankful for this I will find someone else who will appreciate it more, or who will be thankful for it) You could always work on coaching her about saying thank you, reminding...talk about manners. Find books at the library about manners. I think it is a good habit to teach at a young age. My older children both thank me for lots of things, from clean folded clothes, to dinner, to bagged lunches for school. It is just something that needs to be taught.

Forcing a child to say " thank you" does not teach them true gratitude. It only teaches them that in order to get what they want, they must learn to imitate you. It is not respectful or genuine. Model saying thank you to your children, to your spouse, to others and they will learn to understand what gratitude really is. It is the same with forcing a child to apologize. It does not mean that they are genuinely sorry, and may breed resentment because it initiates a power-struggle.

WOW! You have gotten some really great answers and I agree with most of them. I agree that it is about manners/politeness and that a four year old might not understand gratitude. These things are to be taught by parents and family.

I myself believe a four year old can understand gratitude. When she receives something and it makes her happy, explain that gratitude is being thankful that ______ gave her _______. In addressing the issue of not being satisfied, explain to her if she's not happy she should give _______ back to _______. My granddaughter just turned five and she has understood this for several years.

I did notice that one thing has not been addressed. It is not just about gratitude and manners. It is also about respect. And yes, a four year old can learn about respect. This is how it is taught in my granddaughter's karate classes - There are nine words of respect 1) Yes Ma'am 2) No Ma'am 3)Yes Sir 4) No Sir 5) Please 6) Thank You 7) Your Welcome 8) May I 9) Excuse me. Then teach/ask her what respect means - being polite to others. As she gets older, she will learn that respect means a lot more and will get her a lot of places.

And remember, children learn from example much quicker than just being told what to do. I have always used these same words in addressing others and to my daughter as she was growing up and now with my granddaughter. If a child is told "Thank you" and "your welcome", they will be more likely to use these same words towards others. These nine little words will make her life much easier through life. I just can't imagine my daughter never having said "yes/no ma'am" to one of her teachers. I would have been mortified!

Good luck and God bless. Parenting is a life time commitment and we all have to learn as we go!

Thats just a phase. My niece was such a pain at that age! She'll learn she's just testing boundaries, completely normal. On the other hand, my daughters were saying please and thank you before they knew most other words, its all relative.

I would be more stern however, not give her things unless she said please and thankyou.

Hi R.....
Ahhh my heart goes out to you. But you have done the first step by recognizing the problem.
I guess we need a little more information.
Being grateful is a process. I know my Grandaughter is going through the same thing. I am trying to teach her that Grandmas are good for other things than just presents!Everytime she and I got together she would ask me what I had brought for her. After a while I felt resentful. But I had to realize it was all my fault. I had conditioned her to expect that I had a gift everytime she saw me.It was fun to give her something and see her reaction.
I know that one thing I taught my own kids was to say thank you.... It's like making your bed... your whole room can be a mess but if your bed is made it makes your room look neater...
So metaphorically speaking... If your kidlet says thank you... no matter what issues she may have it makes someone's whole character look different and others want to either give or not give to her the next time... Not sure you can explain it to her that way but maybe she needs a little fable of her own! ~The next time perhaps you know she is not going to say thank you. Know in your head that you are prepared to march back to the shelf in the store and put it back and walk out the door and drive home. Not when she goes screaming out the door maybe even relenting and saying or screaming THANK YOUUUUUU just buckle her up, take her home, put her in the bath, feed her dinner or whatever bedtime ritual happens to her and when she is calm. explain to her that from now on you expect her to say thank you or the same thing will happen again. If someone gives her a present, you will give it back. Not being grateful will not be allowed in your family and saying thank you is not that hard and you are very serious about your new rule and if she would like to test it again she may but she is the one that will be losing out because she already saw that you will be following through as you did this afternoon or evening or whatever time it was that day. And then be sure you stick to it. You may want to warn the people that may be the recipeints of the new rule and tell them that you will accept the gifts and put them away but for that day or week or month you have to make your point.
But then take her to places where kids are less privileged. Not in anger or where she knows it is a lesson but ask her to pack up her toys she does not want any more and find a place with kids that might be able to enjoy her toys ... She needs to understand GRATITUDE. Not just learn how to say it... It is a process and 4 is definitely not too late to begin teaching her that because you are way smarter than she is! You just have to be prepared for a few scenes and that's okay if you know she may throw one... you are way ahead of her because she has no idea you know!!! *wink*wink*

My son is 4. He does not do that.
My daughter did not do that at 4 either.
If they did, I would not put up with it.

Once a child hits a certain age, acting like this, is NO longer "cute" or excusable.

She is NOT the horse driving the cart. YOU are.

There is a good book called "Have A New Kid By Friday" by Leman. It is good, helpful, practical, not derogatory, and helps with kids attitudes/issues of respect etc. Useful from about this age.
Any bookstore, Amazon or E-bay has it.
Easy to read.

good luck,
Susan

Politeness and manners are taught. If you don't insist on good manners you won't get them.

I always insisted on and taught good manners. If my kids didn't say please, when they got older, when asking for something, then the answer was no. When they would ask why, I'd reply, because you didn't use the magic words. Now, as adults they polite and are teaching their kids to be polite.

Good luck to you and yours.

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At four, they don't understand such abstract concepts as gratitude, and it's perfectly normal for them to want everything they see.