4 Year Old Frustration

Is he getting enough sleep thru out the day (night and nap if he still takes one)? My 4 year old son acts that way if he's overtired.

Send him to his room until he is finished crying. Say "Crying is okay, but I don't want to hear it, so go do it in private. Come out when you're finished." If he's doing it for attention, and he doesn't get any, it will diminish. If he's doing it for relief, and gets it, then it will continue (for awhile anyway), but you will hear and see less of it. Good luck.

my mom always took the no nonsense approach. It works well for us as well. When my 2 year old throws a fit I look him in the eye and say with a quiet voice "I do not negotiate with terrorists. Leave the room" and he has to leave until he finishes crying. your son may just not know how to let his frustration out. Is your daughter getting any kind of extra attention? IE Potty training, or other new skills? he may want to be babied.

Hi K.,

My son will be 4 in March and I had gotten so sick and tired of his crying and whining at the tiniest little thing that this is how I've began to get a grip on it. And I believe it's getting better. We're not all the way there yet but there is improvement. As soon as he starts whining and crying, I tell him I will not tolerate it and I will not listen to it! I pick him up screaming and crying, take him into the bedroom, tell him to sit in his timeout chair until he is finished and then, and only then, he can come back out. If he comes out pouting and whining telling me he's finished, I tell him it doesn't sound like he's finished to me and make him stay until he is. Alot of the time now, he finishes immediately before he has to go to the timeout chair, of course with the door closed, so I don't have to hear it. It unnerves me so I know exactly where you are coming from.
Good luck to you! If you try this, let me know how it works for you!

Best wishes!
T.

We've all been there, so I'm NOT scolding you, but I think this can be turned around in about 2 days with proper action. Start only recognizing him for POSITIVE action, not negative. I don't mean ignore him, either, as if waiting for him to do something 'good'. FIND something to praise him for, no matter how small ('You put your socks on! GOOD JOB!' or 'You eat so neatly!' -- whatever he's adept at). He'll most likely be shocked at first, but keep doing it and refuse to get pulled into his attempts for negative attention. Kids will resort to ANYTHING for attention, and he's evidently felt neglected (or overridden by the younger sister) enough to demand the negative kind.

I'm a 51 yr old grandmother and I LOVE waching 'Nanny 911', 'Take-Home Nanny' and 'SuperNanny'. I'm usually their best cheerleader! LOL

Check out www.feingold.org. Feingold is a 30yr old non-profit organization whose purpose is to inform the public about petroleum-based artificial ingredients in our food supply. These harmful additives cause ADD, ADHD and many other emotional, behavioral and physical side effects. Our oldest daughter is an emotional basket-case when she eats food dyes and preservatives. Feingold is a leading authority on this subject and has helped thousands of families over the years. Best wishes.

I have a 5 Year old son that acts like this too. Have you ever had him tested for autism and ADHD. I would get his doctor to refer you to somewhere around you to test him for those.

Boy do not mature as fast as girls so he may be on a 2 yr old basis. But it sounds like you are suffering from jealousy and lack of feeling of belonging. Try getting away with him, just you and him and pay attention to him more even with the baby is around. Just see if that will help. Don't fuss at him for his whining, just tell him that is inappropriate. Fussing will give him more reason to do it.
Sometimes it works to let them know that you love them but you are not going to listen to that and walk away.
Try them both, see which one works.

Hi K.,

It can be so frustrating to have your child fall apart at the drop of a hat. The preschool years - ages 3, 4, and 5 - can be a time children are experiencing strong emotions and they aren't quite sure how to manage them. It is easy for us to see that he is crying over nothing and so a parent might scold or punish a child for crying, especially if it seems excessive. Crying is simply one of four ways kids release stress, frustration, and anger.

Instead of getting upset and angry with him, try validating his upset, "Your tower just fell over and that made you really frustrated. Would you like some help?" A lot of times when young children do not feel like their emotions matter it makes them feel even more explosive. You don't want your son to feel that he can't express himself, but you want to help him handle difficult situations without blowing up. For him to learn to do this will really come in handy as he gets older. We don't want him to be one of those guys who has road rage on the high way or who throws things when he gets mad.

I recommend that you read an excellent book called Tears and Tantrums by Aletha Solter. You can find it through Amazon. I also invite you to check out my blog for moms of preschoolers at www.noblemother.com

I can help you further through the classes I offer.

Warmly,
R. Peirce
Certified Parent Educator, Coach, and Virtues Facilitator

Absolutely know how you feel! My son will be 5 in April and screams and throws a tantrum everytime he is told no. Driving me nuts, but I'm really trying to stay calm and not throw one with him! I've used time out. With my older girls I had to extend to the "spanking" discipline because nothing else worked. For him, though, sitting and calming down seems to work. I make him sit down until he is calm. I try talking softly, but sternly to him during the "fit" and let him know when he calms down I will let him get up. So far so good. I hope this helps and I do understand. I would like to say it's a phase as I remember going through it the other 2 times! lol! But I can't stand to hear that from others, myself. Good luck! And just wait till she turns 9.....

I'm with you on nipping it in the bud. Put it this way, I learned my lesson.
My son had some of these same behaviors.
Is your son in pre-school, does he do these things at school?
I would get him tested for ADHD. YOu may think he's too young, etc. It doesn't get any better with age, only worse, if that's what it is catch it early.
The having trouble finishing a task and getting frustrated are biggies with ADHD. When it's ADHD it's not that they won't do things, they can't. I would just get him tested to make sure. It'd be great to start interveining early until waiting till 1st grade like I did with my son.
Good luck!

Well, this is along the lines of "ignoring and it will go away" but I would suggest when he does this you get down on his level, look him in the eye and say, "when you can behave like a 4 yr old little boy, we will listen to you" and then walk away. Or tell him that you will not respond to him behaving like a baby and walk away until he stops crying. When he stops, ask him, "are you ready to act like a 4yr old little boy" then go from there. I would try one time, maybe the very next time it happens, you and your husband sit him down, ask him what is going on, most likely he cannot explain it so then you say, "daddy and I are not going to tolerate you acting this way any longer. The next time you cry without being hurt, we are going to walk away from you. You will act like a 4 yr old little boy and if you do, we will treat you like a big boy. If you do not, we will treat you like a baby....ie back to a crib, going to bed early, take away your big boy toys, no playing outside with friends, etc" whatever you think will get to him.

I would also wonder if it is a phase of jealousy toward his sister. I am sure this phase will not last long but I agree to nip it quick! W.

I see you say your not a fan of talking about it however thats how kids learn so you are going to have to do this. also try time outs. and ignoring is one of the best things i have learned lol

I totally understand. My kids can drive me up the wall, but I found a no-nonsense author who advises doing things the way your grandmother would have. When I do what he recommends, there is far more peace in my home. Check him out at www.rosemond.com. I've read Raising a Nonviolent Child (every parent ought to read it - it's excellent), Making the Terrible Twos Terrific (also excellent for 18-36 month olds), and John Rosemond's Six Point Plan for Raising Happy Healthy Children (good for any age). He also has a newspaper column, which is on his website as well. I have gotten his books for cheap on amazon. Good luck!

He is still a child and crying is how children vent frustration, disappointment, etc. When he starts crying for no reason, I would ask him do you need a time out to think about why you are crying? Remind him his toys are not going away they are only being cleaned up so he can find them next time. My 4 year old when he doesn't want to clean it up and Mommy cleans it up, I take it away till the next day. So the next time I only have to say, do you wnant Mommy to take it away? And he picks them up.

Girl ,I am in the same boat. I was so looking forward to our oldest getting out of terrible 2, then came horrible 3s and now horrendous 4s. Our youngest is in terrible 2s so I totally understand how you feel. To be honest our Godson is 7 and there is some light at the end of the tunnel.
PS I love watching "18 kids and counting" cuz it seams none of their kids go through any bad "stages".....they must know a secret:)

First, recognize that it *is* frustration with your son, and this is how he has gotten used to dealing with frustration. It's a habit, and can be broken, but it won't happen overnight. Both my kids are like this somewhat, and I'm working on them this way. Just like with any other unacceptable behavior or reaction, I give them the "not this way, but this way": "I know you're frustrated, but you don't need to cry/scream/yell when you feel this way, you can ask me for help" (or whatever the particular situation calls for -- count to ten, go to your room for a few minutes until you feel calm, take a break, etc.) Very likely your daughter is seeing that your son is getting attention by what he's doing, and is mimicking him -- partly just because younger children emulate others, and partly to get attention too. You're wise to try to stop this now, before it gets any worse -- for either of your children. The skills you teach them now to deal with their frustration will help them as older children and even adults effectively deal with their future frustration, too, so even though it might take a while to transform negative behavior into positive behavior, it *is* worth doing.

K.,
I can understand the frustration, my daughter has become a whiner, whenever she doesn't get what she wants or things just don't go the way she wants, whining and sometime crying results. We've decided that whenever that happens, she gets one warning to correct it and then time out, some days she goes to time out quite a bit, but others it seems to sink and we have a much better day, because she understands that whining will not get her what she wants. Hope it helps.

Age 4 is a very emotional age. It can be frustrating for parents, but perhaps you can find some information from the pediatrician, library, or elsewhere that talks about their emotional development at that age. This may be something that goes on for some time and cannot simply be stopped by some parenting method. It takes a lot of patience.

If your 2y.o. is a drama queen and gets a lot of attention because of it, your son could be doing this for attention. I would try spending some extra alone time with your son. A walk with him and one parent, or a game away from his sister. If that helps then he is doing it for attention. On the other hand it does not change anything then maybe he is going through something else and you will need to talk to him. If he won't open up to you maybe he would open up to another adult who you trust. If you use someone in the family make sure that they understand what is going on. Kids love to manipulate adults, especially family members. Good Luck!

Hi! That can make for a long day! sometimes they just enjoy acting out, but sometimes it can be a blood sugar issue, especially when they just seem to fall apart and no talking gets through to them. I would keep track for a while and see if it's worse when it's closer to time to eat.... L. S.

I have 2 sons that are 5 and 3. I got so tired of hearing my oldest cry and whine that now he knows if he starts crying he has to go to his room until he's finished because no one else wants to hear it. For the whining, I tell him that I won't talk to him unless he uses his big boy voice. It's worked for the most part. My youngest started to throw a fit last night when we got home from the grocery store because he wanted to eat the cookies he'd picked out for dessert before he ate dinner. I did the same for him (it was a first for him) and I told him he had to go to his room until he stopped crying because no one wanted to hear it. He was so mad, but he stomped off into his room and after a couple of minutes came out like nothing had ever happened. He was perfectly fine the rest of the night. Sometimes they just need a break by themselves to calm down and regroup.

It looks like you have gotten some great responses, so I thought I would mention some additional areas.

Make sure you son is not eating food colorings. We learned at the age of 2 that my son was hypersensitive to red food coloring and that it would make him overly emotional. Chocolate would do the same thing, he would cry at the drop of a hat.

You might also check out the book "The Out-of-Sync Child" and see if any of that describes your son. They may have it at the library.

I would also like to recommend flylady.com and her sister website housefairy.org. The house fairy might help your son to develop some routines that he gets rewarded for.

Good luck.

I have a 3.5 yo & almost 6yo This is a difficult stage. Hang in there.

The best solution I have found is for you & your husband to stay absolutely calm, and the moment a tantrum flares explain calmly & matter-of-factly "you will have to sit on the steps until you can control yourself. This behavior is not acceptable." He may be there for a while for the first few days. Don't have debates with him, simply tell him how it is & enforce it. End of story.

CONSISTENCY. Stick to you guns & follow through.
REMAIN CALM. (I know, nearly impossible - until you experience the results!)

YOUR behavior is key. If you and/or your husband fly off the handle or yell a lot or make a scene, your children see that example. Now is the time to modify your own behavior to SHOW your children how they are expected to behave. This was hard for me, but wow, the results!

When I have a weak moment, once I collect myself, I apologize to my children and tell them that was not acceptable behavior from mommy.

Now they have learned they can make a mistake & recover.

Instituting positive reinforcement has been helpful. Even watching "Nanny 911" has been helpful. This is a really common issue!

Helpful reading: "How to behave so your preschooler will too" by, Sal Severe

Your daughter will learn how to behave from her brother & she will probably be more headstrong. So now is the time!
YOU CAN DO IT! We have stuck to this basic program & we see the results.

P : )

My approach has been to go into another room if it's whining just to be whining and it turns into a "I need a hug" moment and stops. When they would whine if they needed assistance, I would tell them don't whine and to say, "I need help" (this approach works really well, even a friend of mine said she had to try it.) They would start with a whimper, but then remembered to ask for help. My husband has a funnier, more masculine approach. He asks, "Are you tough?" and oddly enough they suck it up and stop crying.

Good luck!

My daughter is doing the same thing and is also 4 yrs old. I asked my mom what to do and she said don't you have a wooden spoon?? A lot of help that was. I am hoping you get some good responses because I have an almost five year old and I don't know about you but I was looking forward to my daughters new "big girl" phase. Instead I am going through the terrible twos again!!!

I have worked in a preschool for 10 years and have a disabled 25 yr old son. Also, I have volunteered in a 4 yr old Sunday school class for 9 years. If I have child who gets emotional like your son, I ask them to go into the quiet area until they are calm. I expect them to do the task after they have pulled themself together. He needs to learn to control his emotions by himself. I don't believe in the "how does that make you feel" thought. It will enable them to put off what they don't want to do.