4 Year Old Having Trouble Adjusting to Preschool

B.: It can be very difficult for children to adjust to pre-K but, better now than kindergarten. Ask the pre-k if you can come and observe. Then you can see first hand and step in immediately to punish if necessary. Maybe that will help..good luck!H.

Hi B.,

I am a preschool teacher here at a local coop and I can give you my opinion on the situation. Every child learns and acts different in a structured enviroment, some take to it easily others do not and it takes time. It is very important that the teacher or director works with each child to find what will "fit" them. The teacher may need to try some different approaches with your son then the "normal" ones with everyone else. Children will eventually "fit" into the schedule and routine but the teacher to me sounds like the one who may need to work on some creative ways to make sure hes included in the activities and not just complain about it or send you to the director without giving it some time. Hope this helps!

Has the teacher told you the strategies she's used to work with your son? The educator must be willing to work with him. If she has given you a solid list of things she's done, and he's still not responding to her, then maybe there is a problem. (I am by all means, not saying - blame the teacher... this just sounds similar to a problem I encountered with an in-home daycare.)

Another thing you could try is observing your son at school. (Is there a way to watch him - from a window or something - without him knowing it? Even if you can't do it from a hidden spot - do it anyway - even if your son can see you. He might not act exactly the same as he does when you're not there, but I bet you could get a general idea.)

Also, is this a center preschool? If so, consider switching him to a school where they do nothing but preschool (no daycare.) I think some of the centers - at least in our city - can be a joke when it comes to the preschool aspect of the center. (Again - not all the centers! Just some!)

My daughter had trouble in an in-home daycare where the provider was unwilling to work with us to help my daughter adjust. The provider had a set way she wanted things done, and when my daughter didn't fit that mold, the provider did the same thing your son's teacher is doing - she gave a daily list of infractions our daughter had committed for the day with nothing positive to say - ever. When asked, "Well did you try...?" the answer was always, no.

I'm not saying that this is the teacher's fault - because we've got to give props to anyone who commits themselves to working with children - but there is a chance that this teacher is not making very much money, wants an easy job and possibly is not educated in early-childhood development. I don't know what the requirements are in your state, but in Nebraska I've seen teenagers who hold the title of "teacher" in a center-preschool setting. In education, at any level, teachers have to be flexible and *most* (not all) teachers are.

Hopefully you can work with your son's teacher and the director to strategize for your son. The key is keeping an open door for communication with his teachers. You know your child better than anyone!

B.
i think you need to go to the meeting with the director and see what they suggest. Has your son really had any play time with anyone his own age? If not that may be part of the problem. The best advice I can give you is to have a positive additude and see what the teacher has to say...this is surely not the first or the last time that she gets a child like yours. How many days a week does he go? Maybe he needs more time in school in structured activities. Ask what you can do at home, but they should be willing to help solve the problem or you may not want your son to go to that preschool!!!
Good luck
A.

hi B.,
Your sons behavior sounds to me like any four year old. Maybe you should look around for a different preschool.

Hello B.,

Don't feel alone....I am going through the exact same thing with my son. He is actually 3 1/2 and not yet in preschool but in daycare. He is completely fine at home but has problems at school with telling the teacher "no" or not listening, throwing toys at his friends, etc. I am at my wits end with trying to get him to understand that is not okay. He tells me that he is not to hit or kick and to listen to his teacher but he gets to school and becomes a different child. I am not sure if it is the influence of some of the other kids or if it is the teacher. His previous teacher he really likes and respects more than the teachers in the class he is in now.

If you find something that works for you, please share!! And good luck!

Gosh...I went through the same thing with my son. It started at age 3 and continued from there. I actually had to pull him out of kindergarten because he was suspended more than he was allowed to attend. He was also good at home, but a terror at school. I don't have a lot of advice (homeschooling for a year didn't help w/socializing, but he's doing so much better in first grade) but I wanted to let you know you'r child isn't the only one. Now we're dealing with a complete unwillingness/inability to follow direction. Someone on this board mentioned Love and Logic program, and I'm going to check that out - I tried a lightweight version of it yesterday and it worked miraculously. I didn't lose it once, and we didn't fight or argue at all. Anyway...talk to the director WITH your son and see if you can come up with a plan of action to reward his good behavior and give reasonable consequences for his negative actions. Oh...one thing that worked in part for us was disallowing our son outdoor recess (since that's where he mostly went ballistic) and giving him "quiet time recess" where he could read, do puzzles, play on the computer, etc. It worked really well until the teacher took it upon herself to let him play outside since he was being so good. That decision resulted in my son's final five day suspension. Gotta love it.

My son just recenlty got kicked out of Children's Discovery Center on 144th & Arbor. Let me tell you the story very long but short. The director called me on a Monday - proceeded to tell me that my son is disruptive, but mind you, they have never worked with me to try to solve the problem nor have I heard the problem was what it was. She conference on speaker phone with her assistant and the teacher to tell me I have until Friday to find a new place to take him. I was so LIVID. I know my son, he's not a saint, but I know it has to be the teacher and the center not being able to handle different children and personalities. I pulled him out that same day and never took him back. I'm in the process now, of documenting everything so I can see if I have a case to file a complaint with HHS. I felt like they slandered my child and possibly discriminated against him as he is biracial in a prodominantly white daycare. I couldn't believe the unprofessionalism of this owner. She even went as far as telling me I needed to maybe take him to see a therapist for agression, but I think he's bored with the daily routines as he brings home the same thing all the time. There's no stimulation. She even told me that DAD needs to play a bigger part in the role of dropping off and picking up. I do that role because I choose to and our schedules fly past eachother. She even said that suppossedly, other children (4 year olds) have told their parents they are scared to go to the daycare. I'm like whatever. They're 4. I really don't know what the outcome will be, but he's in a new place and it's not over. I will definitely get a little satisfaction out of it, even if it's just an apology letter or something. I wouldn't recommend going to CDC on 144th & Arbor.

B. when I read your paragraph I felt like I was reading a page from my journal :) I have a 5 yr old daughter who just started kindergarten this year and she has the exact same independent, strong willed personality as your son. I put her through two years of preschool because of this. It takes her a lot longer to grasp the routine once things have changed. She wants an explanation of why she can or cant do something instead of just going with the flow and doing what is told. She actually cried for a month when I first started taking her because like you.... we had NEVER been apart :) She had a very difficult time the first 3 weeks of kindergarten staying where she was supposed to stay and following all of the class room rules. Here is what I have found out!
The teachers teaching style, personality and patients level is your key to success!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I cant say that enough! The first year she was in preschool it was just 2 days a week for 2 hours. Not that long! But sooo needed! You are very smart to realize that he needs the socialization and also the classroom structure!!! It will really help the transition into Kindergarten! I cant imagine the nightmare I would be having right now had I not done it. Instead of a few bad weeks I think it could have been the whole year!
Emilys teacher was very flexible and understanding. If she was having a hard day she would just send her paper home with her and then I would have a talk with her about why she had the hard day and do the work at home. She let her make choices instead of forcing because that is what the rest of the class is doing! She never made her feel like a bad child or that she wasnt fitting in. The following year I had her signed up again for the same preschool and the teacher decided to work at a nearby elementary school and not do preschool that year. I was heartbroken! My aunt helped me find a preschool near her house and the schedule ended up working out better for me. Emily had been at her school wed. for 3 hours and fri for 3 hours.... not even enough time to get the routien down or understand what is expected and on the following monday when I dropped her off the teacher came running out to me and said I have concerns about Emily!!! The kids are already labeling her a trouble maker and are you going to put her in kindergarten NEXT YEAR I dont know if she is ready! I just about died! It was august of 2005!!! She didnt start kindergarten until July of 2006!!! SHe was barely 4! She told me that she would know better when she did her assesment. So I came back the following day with Emily and the teacher did her assesment you know.. going through the alpahbet, numbers, shapes etc... Emily had already had a year of preschool and knew 80% of the things she was being asked. The teacher kept saying... oh Emily you suprised me... oh you suprised me again... when she would answer a question right. when she was asking her the alphabet all the letters were on a single sheet and the ones she could identify she would put a little green check next to... well Emily wanted a green mark on all of them so she stopped answering because she didnt want to get them wrong. The teacher said if you dont know say skip it and we will go to the next... well she just started saying skip it, skip it, skip it. SO the teacher grabbed her chin softly and made her look at her and said Emily! You need to pay attention! Look into my eyes! You need to listen to what I am asking you to do and do it. Granted she said all of this very nicely but I watched my daughter 100% tune that teacher out at that moment and learned something very important about my child. Meanwhile her old preschool teacher had called and asked if emily would come back to her class because the school job didnt work out. I had said no because the new class worked better with my schedule.... well I called her old teacher as soon as I left that assesment and she told me to come over. We had the best converstation!!! I ended up crying over the whole ordeal and my daughter was back at her preschool the next day! My daughter did have some hard days. Days she didnt listen and days she had to have her paper sent home but her teacher was willing to spend the time needed to help her understand what was expected! And we set up the rule that if something went wrong that day her teacher would tell me about it and then Emily and I would talk about it. There was only 6 or 7 kids in her class so it wasnt overwhelming to her and she really got one on one attention.
I am sooooo sorry to ramble on like this! Your comments are really close to my heart and I have to tell you to be patient!!! If the teacher isnt patient and willing to work with your son there are 100 other preschool teachers in your area that you can go in and talk to. Sit in their class see how they are teaching. How big is it, how flexible and understanding is the teacher. You will find the right fit for your son. DONT GIVE UP!!!!! He needs this to understand what is going to be expected when he starts kindergarten and goes 5 days a week :) If you have a teacher that is willing to work side by side with you your son will just sky rocket! I know with Emily it takes her a little while to grasp onto things because she wants to do it her way! Things have to be her idea so we have to get creative in helping her decide to do things sometimes. I hope that I have helped even just a tiny smidge!!! Good luck! I feel for ya! Hang in there!!! It will get better!!!!

My son was the same way. It turned out the he was hyper-sensitive and has trouble adjusting to the noise level in the class room. He would act out when he got distressed. I taught him to talk about what was bothering him. They some times when he would get over whelmed would put cotton in his ears and he did better. hope this helps

Im having the same issues . HELP

Hi B.
I believe that your child is not being challenged enough. He is probably bored with the school activities. He needs to be challenged and the teacher is more like a babysitter. He is simply bored. Talk to his teacher and see what she says she can do to challenge his mental.
T.

Hi B.,
Your son might not be mature enough to handle so much structure at one time. Maybe he feels insecure about not having you right there with him, or maybe this preschool isn't the right match for him. As someone who has worked with children outside of the home for over 15 years, and as a mom of five, the two youngest my own. I would suggest you trying several different things. 1st try observing him from a distance... If you are able to see what the teacher is talking about then you will be able to talk with your son about what you observed. You might even want to talk with the teacher and tell her what you observed and why you think the behavior happened. If that doesn't work, again observe your son, then react right then and there to your son and his behavior. If you feel that the behavior is your child's fault...
Try volunteering in your son's classroom, start out going every day that he's in class, then once he becomes secure and stops the behaviors, slowely back out of volunteering, cut back the days. Tell him what you will be doing while he is in school (on the days you are not in the classroom with him). Eventually as he gets more comfortable in the classroom, the behaviors should stop, and should not reoccure.
But, if you feel that it's his environment, and not your child then look into a different classroom, or even a preschool.
I don't know if they have a coop in your area, but I would look into something like that, so you can spend time in the classroom at least until he is able to get comfortable, then you can just take your turn when it comes up. Whatever the programs requirements are. It really doesn't matter whos fault it is, what matters is how you handle it. Your son has to be able to trust that you have only his best interest at heart, that whatever you do it is because you love him and want the best for him. Even if that means that he has to leave his friends in one class or school to go to another, or if you have to be there for a week, a month or a couple of months just until he adapts. Whatever you do, do it because you love him.
T. C.

Hi B.
I thought I would reply to you and let you know what worked for our nephew who also had a difficult time adjusting to preschool. He too would show aggressive behavior and not follow direction.. but while playing with his cousins and such would be just fine. My brother and sister in law found that he just needed a smaller classroom setting. They found a preschool that was a private school that only had about 8 children in his age group and it allowed him to get more structure from the teacher and he adapted well with the other children. I think the larger classroom was overwhelming for him since it was his first school experience. He was watched by his grandmother up until then and aside from Sunday School he was never in a classroom setting. (I can't remember the name of the school as it was several years ago or else I would let you know what it was, plus it was in Nampa) My daughter is now four and she has a hard time following direction and wanting to sit and learn too. But her teacher said that all of her four year olds are learning how to follow direction, it is the age they are at. They are learning how to socially interact with each other through structured play - they learn sharing and keeping hands to themselves while playing "kitchen". I know for my daughter having only 7 other children in the class helps her communicate well with them and also allows the teacher to address specific needs.(we are currently living out of state so she is attending a school out of state temporarily, but we found a christian preschool through a local church that had small classes)I hope this helps you.
God Bless!
B.

My nine year old boy sounds just like what you described when he attended preschool. I would say that it is an only child thing but seeing that you have two children and he is the youngest I don't think that would be the case. So, Hum, what I did was keep in close contact with the Principal on the issue or in your case the director. Evaluate the home life. Does the little one pick on the older one? If so your four year old might just be doing this in class because he does it to his brother. On another note my child was a single child and he has always had a problem scence then and still to this day. It has only gotten better now, with the work we do, and is not as bad. We really have to always be in closes contact with the teacher and principal of every school he attends. I had thought it was the teacher and them not wanting to deal with my son, but as the years go on I’ve found that it is a discipline problem that my son has and him learning how to control it.

In Kindergarten I couldn't bribe him with any thing. He decided that he was the one in control, climbing under tables jumping on desks not following the rules, and a sticker chart didn’t really worked for the school spot but it worked wonderful for the little things he did like make his bed, brush his teeth or get dressed by him self. Once in Kindergarten we could not decided what school to take him to because we had to take him to our district, but in preschool he went through three of them until we found the rite one were the teachers could handle him. He was so very bright and learned to count to ten in French, German, and Spanish. The teachers were amazed and praised him for this; therefore making it easer for my son to handle preschool in this one school. So don't be disappointed if you have to take him to another preschool even if you like this one. Your son really has to feel comfortable and praised and the teachers have to be able to work with a difficult child. Most centers don't want to deal with it. Just keep trying and looking for that one that fits the both of you and the teachers that will understand your son. If you need any more advice on this situation or others like it feel free to drop me a note.

~G.

B.,
I'm a teacher with over ten years experience in preschool and kindergarten classrooms as well as doing behavioral therapy for kids with AD/HD, autism, and other social issues. I've worked intensively with both parents and teachers to help kids with behavorial problems find their groove in a classroom setting, and in almost every instance, there are things that both teachers and parents could be doing to better faciliate the transition.

As a parent, one of the most helpful things you can do at home is to be consistent. Find out the language the teachers use to redirect behavior and start using the same redirections at home when applicable. Also ask the teacher if there are specific times of day or routines that seem to be the most problematic and then act out those situations at home. Autistic therapy utilizes something called social stories, but I think they can be helpful for all kids in new or difficult situations. It involves writing out a VERY SHORT paragraph about what to do in a new situation and gives a word for word script. For instance, the title of one social story could be "Sharing with a Friend." And it starts off like this:

"When a friend asks me for a toy I am using, I can say "Okay." Then I can give the toy to them. If I still want to play with it, I can say,"Can we play together?"

You get the picture. Rereading these stories (some moms have even illustrated them and bound them. They read them as bedtime stories or in the car on the way to school) helps the child have confidence and encourages developing more sophisticated vocabulary as well as social skills.

In extreme cases, I have asked parents to come and observe their child and actually step into the classroom to redirect behavior themselves. This is a double edged sword because it can make the teacher feel as if their authority is being undermined, so you'll have to make sure your teacher is comfortable with this. But the reaction a kid gets when Mom or Dad steps in and reinforces that expectations at school and home are the same is usually pretty valuable. I would use this technique sparingly, however.

Lastly, and perhaps extremely unconventional, but in order to facilitate a better relationship between teacher and child (and once again this depends on the school and the teacher), invite teacher to dinner at your home. The benefits of a united front are extraordinary and you'll send the message to the teacher as well that you are concerned and committed to resolving the problem. Somtimes that small gesture from you can add up to lots of extra commitment from the teacher in the classroom. You'll also get a chance to show the teacher how well behaved your little guy can be and the behavioral redirections that work well at home may give her ideas about how to deal with your child in class.
If you need more specific ideas, let me know. I'd be happy to help!