4 Year Old 'Tantrums'

I see that's she new and getting settled, but from what you're describing, she needs to have help before the sun sets tomorrow(today would have been preferable). Additionally, the dog needs to be kept COMPLETELY away from the child or rehomed temporarily/permanently TOMORROW(again, today would have been preferable). If there are other children in the home, there needs to be supervision of him 100% of the time - these kind of situations can go from "tantrums" to something horribly sinister in flash - and if "something" happens to an extreme that medical/vet care is needed and law enforcement/social service agencies get involved, it's all gonna be out of her hands... that's the kind of control you DON'T want to lose as a parent. I'd start at 8am with finding someone to see the child TOMORROW. good luck!

I have taught parenting for yrs...How did the 2, 3 and 4 yr old check ups go? Is the dr aware of these behaviors? When did they start? Any special needs?

Intervention is needed !

I would like to mention 3 things:

One boy I met was just as unruly. I found out that the movies and games he was allowed to have access to were TOTALLY not appropriate. He was allowed on those games that he could blow up people, buildings, cars, trees, etc... NO CHILD should be allowed to do this ! The movies he was watching (And DAD thought it was cool) were the most violent movies ever made for film. The parent didn't see it...Very ignorant! He mimmicked it all !

Another child I met was not exposed to anything violent on tv/video/games, yet, he was mean to animals and extremely violent/disruptive. A mental illness?

When kids are mean to animals...That is a red flag in my book.

Food allergies are huge---Foods are genetically engineered (corn, soy, wheat, etc...)unless you are eating all organic or you have a great farm nearby. See the Feingold Diet.

Food is "medicine" - and so much of our food has HFCS in it, etc...This is not what nature intended. Plus, our soil is soooo depleted of nutrients.

A food allergy test should be taken.

The pediatrician should be informed immediately for a referral to an allergist, therapist or expert in the field - as the child would need intervention asap.

This is going to be quite a task for any nanny before the child is under care of a professional ! These behaviors are beyond time-outs unless the child rules the house at home. The dr would need to know all the facts.

By all means, keep the dog safe !

Yes, she needs professional help. Does he have other difficulties such as difficulty talking, getting along with others when he isn't angry, sensitivity to sound, texture, changes in routine? I suggest he may have developmental issue; perhaps is on the autism spectrum. I suggest his tantrums are normal for someone with these issues.

I suggest that she get professional help right away. Perhaps start by asking for a referral from a pediatrician. In the meantime minimize his stress. Keep his life as calm and consistent as possible. If at all possible minimize his exposure to young children. Be sure he gets enough sleep and regular meals and snacks. Don't put him in situations that require last minute demands. Talk with him ahead of time, in a calm voice, about what you expect in situations. Supervise him closely enough that you csn intervene before he's out of control. Let him know that when you see that he's having difficulty that you're going to take him away from tthe situation. And you're doing this to help him and not as punishment. Use redirection whenever possible. Give choices as often as you can. Do not show frustration or anger.

Be willing to physically intervene when he starts to hit and kick. Physically hold him until he calms down or you're able to keep him separated from others. Focus on prevention but take action when necessary to prevent injury.

Do not take his actions personally. This will help you feel less angry. It's important to present yourself as confident and in control. He is scared because he knows he's out of control. He wants you to take charge. He also needs you to be empathetic. And he needs all of you to be consistent.

I suggest you read about how to manage a child with ADHD or autism.he may not have either but those skills will help.

I have two kids - both teens now. One of my kids is easy going, easy to discipline, great sleeper, etc. My first child was none of those. My first child had huge tantrums, told me everyone was mean to her - so she responded with mean-ness, she never slept, she would have hour long tantrums, follow me around the house sobbing - you get the picture. It wasn't until she was a teenager did we discover that she had a mental health issue and struggles with what's called "borderline personality disorder". It could have just as easily been bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, or any other disorder. The thing is - people who end up as adults with a mental illness have always had it. If intervention, medical help, mental health help and family learning can take place early that child has the best chance to become a fully functioning wonderflly adapted adult.

As much as I thought my kid was just a high-need kid, highly senstive, easy to cry it wasn't until she tried to take her life at age 14 that we realized we needed help. We went through two years of deep trials and errors, bad doctors - eventually a great doctor - medication changes, and lots of learning on my & my husband's part. Oh I wish we had known 10 years ago, what we know now! How much difficulty my child could have avoided. BUT - by God's grace we found an excellent doctor who has worked with us, guided us, found the right medication. I went online and read everything I could, I bought books, I did research and I learned how best to help my child.

My daighter is now a high school senior and is doing really, really well. We've adapted her schooling in a way that meets her needs and avoids pressures that can be avoided. She volunteers in a number of things, she works, has a B+ average (she's smart enough to have an A average - but the pressure is too much for her). She's planning for college in a way that will work best (commuter school for the first year or two until she adjusts to the style, freedom, etc.) Three years ago I wondered if we would get to this place!

Kindly suggest to your sister that she try out dififerent doctors / counselors until she finds the right one. She should ask every social worker, psychologist she knows or comes across for recommendations, and not to discount anyone. From our experience, the one with the nicest office, and great support staff was the worst - just interested in billing the insurance company & writing out a prescription and nudging you out the door. These doctors never asked me about my 14 yr old - her histroy, how things were from our perspective. Then we were recommended to a doctor by a counselor/social worker (who felt she could no longer help us - it was over her head). The doctor had this small, very unimpressive office he shared with others, he was this tiny guy with an accent. BUT - he properly diagnosed my child in the first visit and has been wonderful, super flexible in helping us find the right treatment & medication. He interviewed us and asked questions about our child for as long a period of time as he did with our daughter. It was the first doctor that actually asked us about our child, her personality, how she dealt with things, her earlier childhood, etc.

Finding the right doctor makes all the difference. Tell your sister to trust her gut. If one doctor jsut doesn't seem to be the right fit - try someone else. Even with our wonderful doctor, I felt that my daughter would be better off going to her last 2 years of high school online. He didn't agree. I trusted my instinct - and he now agrees that it was the best decision for our child.

Finally - it's hard to find a good child psychiatrist - and most good ones are not in your insurance company's network (although they may be). But consider what things we value that we would go into debt for. What would we use a credit card for? A large screen TV, a car, a vacation, etc. How much more precioius is our child? My husband and I decided early on that we would go into debt, if needed, to help our much loved daughter. Our wonderful doctor wasn't in any netowrk. Oh well. We put the money aside in our FSA and paid it out of that.

I wish you the best with your nephew. He's probably just bewildered about life, things don't make sense and he's in pain. He needs to be loved and encouraged and disciplined according to how his brain is wired. Once he's figured out it's like turning the lights on in dark basement - he'll be able to find his way out.

Please private message me if I can help in any way.

This sounds more deep than a parenting issue. Meaning, perfect parent reaction this could still be happening. With that said.. intervention needs to happen.

He needs to be evulated. Check for food sesitivities (not full allergys, but sensitivites).

For my son, food changes and accurpessure helps us manage these issus to the point of .. he is now in my eyes normal. He was diagnosed with ADHD and Sensory..

1. We took all food Dyed foods away
2. Keep him from chocolate It makes him mean (my brother had this as well, so I knew to look for it)
3. Gluten was a huge change for us, but it also made awesome stides in the listening department. (this is a sensitivy for him, once we removed it he was feeling better and has been better at listening).
4. We recently realize that chewy candy/fruit snacks make him mean, I am not sure what is in there but it make him mean.
5. We are doing accupressure- it has worked wonders. His own words, it makes me feel more comfortable. We started going weekely, now every other week.

Good luck. Think outside the box..

Making Children Mind Without Losing Yours
Dr Kevin Lehman

Sounds like this is beyond the normal meltdowns of a four year old. I would speak to pediatrician. Think some professional help might be needed. Good luck.

Updated

Sounds like this is beyond the normal meltdowns of a four year old. I would speak to pediatrician. Think some professional help might be needed. Good luck.

Updated

Sounds like this is beyond the normal meltdowns of a four year old. I would speak to pediatrician. Think some professional help might be needed. Good luck.

I totally agree with Maureen on the food allergy issue. My son was 7 and was still having major melt-downs when a friend of mine (whose son was very similar to mine) suggested I cut out gluten in his diet to see what happened. I was very surprised to see a major difference in his behavior. I was close to the end of my rope and so was his teacher. My son had been to the principal's office on numerous occasions and even suspended for a day, sent home for bad behavior. So I totally understand how exasperating it can be. Since changing his diet he is like a different kid, he loves school and has not been in trouble this year, crossing my fingers!

It does sound like professional help is needed as those aren't "normal" tantrums. The only think I can think of is to try to see what the triggers are and catch it before it builds. And to look beyond the obvious if there's more going on.

Can the child communicate at all? If the child isn't talking, then something is definitely out of kilter and the child is as frustrated as you are because they can't communicate. I wish them the best.